AFFLICTION DEPICTION

with the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted

IMPEACHED FER LIFE piece of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated A-double snakes under investigation with the Senate trials...all while try'na to throw off the public by whine'n to his throngs of  lobotomized brain dead hysterically retarded repuglicunt gimps

who have the brain capacity of a mongolian fruit fly...via social media like a virus (and unfortunately some of my own family and friends are included in this pathetic pool) i thought i'd take a break from push'n politicks this week and break down some other more notably un"falsehooded" witch hunt hysteria's from the history books

you know...just in case you happen to get plucked from the pool of useless informationalists whore'n yerself out to be Alex's next prize winn'n bitch

so i thought i'd cash in my recyclables and try to visit my fav-o-rit original 

social media guru...and luckily fer me Shirley McClain cancelled her read'n at the last minute so i  asked Madame Herpesia to take me back to where it all began..unfortunately though since she hadn't paid last months crystal ball subscription...we hadda start with 14th century...EH...why not!

so apparently million upon millions of socialites and social out casts were 

piles of puss filled pussies...thanx to the bubonic plague that was caused by cozy'n up to soprano sing'n sensation Templeton and his mates that also made a resurgence in the 19th century

fast forward to the 19th century...with the lil emperor who hadda attitude

and became the 1st non vaginal trollop'd tramp by winn'n Mr Syphilis 1820 that winter...but a few short months later would have to turn in his crown and sash when he ended up in exile and exited this earth and the tender age of 51 in 1821

by the 20th century...specifically the 1980's...the mass hysteria around 

AIDS that was apparently a continuation from the 1920's when non heterosexual monkeys like the gregarious Galen mingled with the many moonlighters off the coast of the Congo that would bring it to the west and eventually AIDS spread like a socially outcasted wild fire thru-out the non heterosexual community...

thanx to the dementional dickwaddled repuglicunt hopped up on jelly beans at the time

i unfortunately even hadda deal with my share of afflictions in the early 90's

fer the 1st time only thankfully...all cuz some toned up tawdry trollop that picked me up late one nite as i walked home from the bar...begged me to boink him in the back of his brown bronco

and now that we are in the 21st century...we are once again at the very

forefront of yet another newly discovered disastrous disease that is currently upon us...take in account with the lime shortage currently happen'n in the Sahara desert...and the stupid bowl just right around the corner...anally repressed asswipes everywhere who haven't been recycle'n their glass products as one should...there will be a global pandemonium from Shreveport to Shanghai with this uncontainable virus come sunday when the liquor shelves are as empty and our current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted IMPEACHED FER LIFE piece of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated A-double snakes on trial...but i seriously ain't gett'n all that cracked up about it...so there ya have it kittens

NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!

street value

sorry i'm a day late kittens...but with it bein' MLK day and all yesterday

and me back to work'n at some downtown financial institution...i luckily had the day off...but unfortunately so did the library...and now that the holiday is over...it's time to get back to life as usual...iron'n out my troubled trysts and write'n thank you letters to all my over-rated STD's

i hadda mischievous thought though...what if MLK never had run into  

that bullet and gotten shot? i wouldn'ta had the day off!...oh and don'tcha gimme ANY of yer lame attempt at egregious grief about that one...it was an absolute tasteless JOKE (and not beneath me to write it...i am black irish after all...therefore i can say it) plus you ALL know...if Eddie Murphy would'a said it...you ALL would'a been piss'n in yer culottes and ripp'n him off at the water cooler convention the next morn'n at work just to be the first one to say it!

trust me...like my smartass phone that decides to pull a jihad on me about every 3 hrs...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that another time...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered i've passed GO

 so many times without collect'n my $200...that i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time that i got exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...so there i was...starve'n fer a marvin one even'n...(hey...it had been a whole 5 days)...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments just fer a desperate return visit...besides...i'd never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?

as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick the perfect prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...

how it all began?...from how it used to be...to how it is today?...how does one really set their base pay?

let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a long lonely trip down male hookerville

y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...

 were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubines caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from

by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy

it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of 

TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...

 gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company

durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country kabuki theater

was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...

even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course

by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...

were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele

the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no

the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification

from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of the lil purple 

 paisley man & his Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own

but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF

stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up from all the lonely antibiotic parties popp'n up...if yer lucky!

sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...

i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...

and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !

so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...

and thought to myself...i thought...SELF...what am i doin?...i may be one more year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a damn catch...i still have plenty of free fuckable years on my roster...with the cost of live'n completely sky rocket'n year after year...kindly just leave a quarter on the counter fer services rendered...thank-you...

now with that in mind...time to spritz on my fav-o-rit and most effective eau de toilette to date...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!

now get off my dress!

so i dated a serial killer...ALMOST!

like most of the many 10's of double digit cute kittens out there in my

blogsphere that tune in week after week fer all of my hard hitt'n latest break'n snoozer stories that make you sit back and realize just how mundane & metamucily yer own actual real life really is in comparison...i know not to take any of you fer granted...and i also know not to fuck with you of course...i'm like a drug you can't...i mean YOU WON'T...stop take'n!

unlike the feline freaks in this disastrous holidazzle eyesore

so there i was the day before new years eve try'na figer out what would go

 best with my ball gown...basil chicken and the meow mix of veggies i had left in my frigid air from the previous year...before decide'n to settle down to the latest Netflix craze instead of become'n some sorta past my expiration date cougar statistic on the prowl fer a midnite kiss from some unconscious canker sored cantankerous kitten at the bar...unfortunately...i got more than what i had bargained for with my choice...it was like a drug i couldn't stop take'n til it was all gone...and i would be up til the wee hours of the morn'n binge'n all 3 hr long episodes...

and trust me...save this one fer a marathon nite cuz you will be hooked

this is no cliff hang'n documentary!

once the marathon was over...and i laid in bed with my tony the tiger pj's

 on...wrapped in my unfluffable comforter...my mug completely molested in St Ives mint julep mud mask...it got me to think'n about all the past run in's where this mini marathon

could'a easily been written with me as the movie of the week!

picture it kittens...it was the spring of 1991..and i was on my lunch break

at the Children's Theater in the Minne-Apple and i had discovered an ad at the back of the local fag rag i was flipp'n thru at the time...about meet'n local singles in the area...well...me bein' just'a spring chicken plucked from the bowels of a small minnesota town to fend fer myself in the big cold hard city...i was like a lotus flower ready to bloom so i called the line and a week later we would meet at a local non heterosexual intoxicate'n establishment in the downtown Minne-Apple area

this was before i was with car...so i basically hadda check on flight schedules from St Paul to Minneapolis to meet this guy...cuz i was tired of the 3 bus transfers i hadda take to work on a daily basis that always was a fuck over moment when the weather was bad or cuz some road rage'n asswart hadda get to Costco Crazy Daze Deals before the sale ended on anchovies and briskets by cutt'n off someone in front of my bus

by the time i had reached our desired destination...i reluctantly fergot my ID back home and i was not about to rebook a flight back just to get it...but unfortunately the gammorean guard at the front door copt an attitude with me (the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course) and couldn't be bothered in the slightest by my desperate pleas to just let me pass on by...

even after batt'n my daddy long leg lashes

so i waited patiently across the street at some primitive speak'n station fer roughly 10 minutes to see if said phone trade would come out and recognize me

minutes later...what looked like the description of the gentleman caller 

that i had secretly lusted after in my mind from bus to bus as i made my way to downtown Minneapolis (hey...you gotta step inside my mind fer just a minute to understand where i was goin with this) anyways...he would cross the street and we exchanged typical bullshit banter fer about 5 minutes...and though he fit the description he mentioned on line fer the most part...i could feel some sorta hesitation in me...only cuz this would be the 1st time i would become deflowered...perhaps!

he asked me if i wanted to go to his place in uptown...and me bein' 

unfamiliar with the Minneapolis area and it's surround'ns at this point in time...i asked him where uptown was and he explained it was only about 5 miles away (keep in mind kittens...it's 10:30pm on a warm spring weekend...with winds outta the west at 10 to 15 miles per hr) so i asked where his car was and his response was that he didn't have one but it was such a nice nite out that he suggested we just walk instead of cabb'n it back to his bungalow

now here me out...i don't mind a dance in the dark...a drink in the dark

hell...i don't even mind a dick (or 2) in the dark...but there ain't no way in H-E-double hockey stix that i am walk'n 5 miles thru the dimly lit streets of some city i knew nothing about at the time...though i remember he said we could take a short cut thru some Loring Park and it wouldn't be as long...i still resisted and said i was gonna hop on the bus back to St Paul...and i...fortunately as you will learn...would never hear from my date ever again

forward to a year later and i was now live'n in the uptown area with my

very 1st roomie at the time Doug (who i longer dig...just FYI) we were as inseparable as as moth to a flamer (in a non sexual way) bs'n one lazy afternoon when he came home from a difficult day at the park (hey..i don't judge people's professions...i just report 'em) he happened to have the latest fag rag in his hand that he tossed on our coffee table...which...hello...we were almost 22...our coffee table consisted of a large microwave box covered in a printed pillow case...

like most under privileged rectally retarded roomies had done with limited income at the time...cuz we were more concerned about the 3D's...dance'n...drink'n and dick'n our days away

i happened to notice the guy on the cover as the 1st date i ever had when

i came across him on the phone line on one non productive day at work scrubb'n out the urinals just try'na pass time a year earlier...i thought to myself as i picked up the rag...damn...he's in the paper on the front page...and i was too damn lazy to walk with him to his dwell'ns that one windy spring nite

turns out that it was a good thing that i had listened to the flutterbies in my 

gut that even'n fer a change...cuz 2 months after our dismal date...it turns out my date had gunned down 21 year old Joel Larson in Loring Park in the back...and then a month later...he went after former state senator 48 year old John Chenoweth with his 19 year old trick of the nite Cord Drazst...at bare ass beach along the Mississip river...luckily fer Drazst though he was able to bar hop with his buddies after that horrible incident...that i would run into on occasion while bar hopp'n...that is....until he was 32...(leave it to my dearest friend Peetrinella and Jon to indoctrinate me to bare ass beach in the midnite hour just a year earlier) apparently my "date" aspired to be the latest serial killer at that moment in time...gotta have goals i guess!

don't even get me started about the 3 days after i'd moved to Milwaukee..

and the Dahmer trials where all over the front pages...(not that i hadda worry if he wasn't caught yet...well...cuz he only liked dark meat apparently...makes sense i suppose)

or how i used to check in Andrew Cunanan at the gym i was work'n at downtown once i had moved back to Minneapolis before he went on his shoot'n spree...

or my other date i had met in my early middle 20's late one nite or early one morn'n (depend'n on how you wanna look at it) who's left prosthetic arm fell off onto my floor when i let him inside my apt...just a minor detail he fergot to mention to me when chatt'n on line...

now i have zero issues with the handicap so don't get all PC on my supple snow white A-double snakes...but i told Dr Hook it would be best if he could kindly pick up his appendage and look fer another peter'd pansy to poke at

then there was that one time pre-wanna-be-serial-killer-date...in the summer of 1990...when i was wait'n fer my cuz's hubs to pick me up from St Paul on the corner 3 blocks from where i currently reside...when this juiced up shirtless hot tamale pulled a gigantor hunt'n knife on me late one nite and told me to "get off his block" and that is a direct quote (cuz apparently...2 nites later someone did not take his demands seriously)

OMG...i almost fergot about the body spread eagle outside the same apt a year later that i tripped over as i was come'n home late one nite from perform'n...on stage pervies...but i'll add that to another pillow bite'n episode in the near future (cuz it's probably gonna be a 2 parter)...you won't believe how that one turned out!

statistics say that i should have only about 3 more lives left...so until then

GET OFF MY DRESS!