TELEPHONE pt. 2

everyone out there wants to either become friends with a celebrusaurus

some time in their life or at the very least...at least...to be able to speak to them from beyond the grave from time to time fer the right dime of course (hey the estates of the dead don't make a pretty penny fer nothin')

with the hallowed season upon us...it's that time again fer all the lil kittens

to dress up as their fav-or-it mini celebrusaurus and beg their neighbors within a mile radius to fill their fake fendi satchels full of the latest non denominational non binary non electronical goodies to rot their non decayed choppers til it’s non white friday

i myself...bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe of course...know all to well about the trials and tribulations us future celebrusaurus's will have to endure just to keep the basic commoners (much like yerself that tune in every week cuz yer too weak to walk away before read'n my highly uninformative gibberish halfway fer the past decade plus) remotely interested in our legacy once we've reach the great beyond

we all know about the fair share of run-ins i myself have had with other

unfossilized celebrusaurus's thru out my dimly lit career from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND and everyone in between

i've even had the absofuckinlute pleasure to have a mini chitty chitty

bang bang gabfest with other past their prime future celebrusaurus's like NY's very own archaic road kill LADY BUNNY...WILL & GRACE's colostomitic  keebler elf LESLIE JORDAN and everyone's fav-o-rit pain in the ass from the prairie ALISON ARNGRIM to name drop just a few (before they all unfortunately hadda put a restrain'n order out on my perky A double snakes cuz i kept text invite'n myself over fer sunday brunch even though i have zero clue of their whereabouts)

BUTT anyways...click here in case you missed out on pt. 1!

well...hold on to yer yellowed stained corn-on-the-cob choppers kittens 

cuz today we here at the unlawful orifices' of GET OFF MY DRESS have F-I-N-A-L-L-Y secured an annoy'n exclusive one-on-one pow wow 

with the regrettable edible KRYSTAL KLEER

by the late great ghost of JOAN RIVERS from far beyond the grave thanx to the magic of the ouiga 

so darling KRYSTAL...i wanna thank you ever so for finally take'n the time 

to contact me from the great beyond...i haven't heard a damn peep from that bitch of a daughter of mine Melissa or my ungrateful grandson Cooper...they made off with my millions...my QVC jewelry line and my gorgeous penthouse in NY...i carried that gold digging cunt to full term even though i had second thoughts every time i hung up my coat in the hall closet...she ruined my figure gnaw'n on my insides and making me as big as a house fer 9 god damn months...when my water broke my dog drowned...then she turns around and sells everything...hires a buddhist therapist to start repressed false memory therapy to prove she's the real daughter of JOAN CRAWFORD...

oh yea cuz that worked out so well fer CHRISTINA you untalented twat!

 KRYSTAL you don't what it's like on this side...ARRRRRGH...every day of eternity with my beloved EDGAR...i finally got to ask him why did he kill himself all those years ago and he admitted to me the day i crossed over (thanx to that fuck'n throat specialist...accident my boney ass) he said "JOANIE it was all your fault really...we were making mad passionate love and you took the bag off your head!" 

fuck him...like he was some passionate prize package...my love life with Edgar was like a slice of swiss cheese…most of it was missing and what’s there stinks…it was so bad that my G spot was declared a historic landmark…we bought a water bed in the 70's and he stocked it full of trout and towards the end right before he pulled the trigger he got so fat stuff'n his face with everything but my vagina that i even caught him putt'n mayonnaise on his aspirin though i can't blame him for doin what he did really...i can honestly admit i have no sex appeal…when peeping tom's peek in my window they pull down the shades…my gynecologist examines me over the telephone!

anyways...i'm glad you found me on yer board during that damn pandemic your dealing with up there to talk to me about your miserable existence so what have you been up to my dear since all that covid chaos started?

first off...pandemic? i say fandemic! i swear to CHER i could barely leave my shitbox Joan...i mean my quaint lil shitbox of course...i started feel'n like a schizophrenic gerbil goin from my modest 2 room rental so eventually i forced myself to wander out and about once i received my recommended shots...however...from the freeways to the food shelves i was constantly bein hounded by those  "karens" everywhere try'na catch me off guard so they could cash in on selfish selfies by sell'n em fer a handful of pathetic pennies to those christian periodical magazines as if i'm some sorta harlet of hellfire

though i did manage to give back to the community by host'n a highly successful BINGO marathon at some dt Minne-Apple health spa sperm bank right before lockdown fer those cripples cling'n on to hope over at the MS foundation

oh and i finally turned the BIG 5-0!

now that we're all caught up...why don't we just get to the real reason fer 

this slightly annoy'n but highly anticipated sit down...a lil birdie tells me that you've decided to enter back into the world of film after years of hiatus ever since you first appeared and was unfortunately discovered in some "DOOSH A-WAY" commercial

well yes it's true...i did try launch'n my very own liquor line back in 2012 i believe it was however i couldn't get anyone to contribute to my gofukyerself account so i lost all confidence in my product and drank my way into a mini vaca at the beautiful BETYY FORD bungalow's in Center City, MN 

my latest and greatest project though almost didn't happen to be honest cuz when i found out the other ladies that i was up against fer this coveted role but then i said to myself NO! who says i'm not as worthy as MERYL...JULIAN and GLENN...we're all in our advanced years...they all may have Oscars under their belt nonetheless in spite of that at least i've take'n a belt off an Oscar or 5 over the years and thankfully i feel just as fulfilled fill'n them up!

i heard there was some sorta controversy when you had premiered your

latest flick "TELEPHONE" at the TUNA CANNES FILM FESTIVAL in Sheboygan Iowa...care to elaborate on the rumors?

well i'm not one to gossip but i overheard game show spectacle of  "TIC TAC DOUGH" fame WINK MARTINDALE was busted tapp'n his twinkle toes in some sorta fornicational morse code to an undercover policeman in the stall next to mine...though i'll deny it if anyone asks me outright!

do you have any other plans to do a follow up in the footsteps of most 

films of horror fav-o-rits like JASON...FREDDY and MICHAEL and might yer audience perhaps be see'n a trilogy to "TELEPHONE" in the near future?

it's funny you should ask that JOAN cuz this film was almost not made...see what had happened was i almost walked off the set on day 1 of film'n since my rider demands weren't met...i mean is it ask'n too much fer powder green m&m's to match my powder green eyes...powder green contacts and a slovakian chef to feed them to me? (the m&m's not the contacts in case yer confused) luckily my multiple personality manager inside my head convinced me to fergo the amenities at this time around 

so my fabulous director TONY LARSON and myself had discussed the other day about take'n the profits from "TELEPHONE" which takes place in the 80's...to bank role that into a 90's follow-up called "FLIP PHONE" and of course fer the new gender fluid non dairy binary canary millennials we'd of course have to do a non scary "CELL PHONE" which would be the scariest of them all cuz it's like a trilogy of terror when yer cell goes off while yer try'na get off in some raunchy rest stop though we'll probably wait fer the receipts from "TELEPHONE" to come in before anything else happens...i'll keep ya posted!

here's a few behind the scenes from my colossal cringe fest...you think it's sooo damn easy bein me however hand placement is completely crucial...it can make or break a scene...i also hadda do a few "look into the light Carol Ann" shots fer the dream sequence as well (i was see'n spots fer days)

this was me take'n a break on location film'n the open'n scene on the last day after a month and a half of shoot'n...i hadda do this scene over like 15 times cuz desperado's were try'na consume my spotlight walk'n up the sidewalk on a beautiful wednesday even'n...coincidentally this was also the location of the wrap party which was lack'n any sorta open bar or buffet (well it wasn't in the budget i was told) good thing there was some hummus and stale saltines still left at the bottom of the purse that i bought at a rummage sale last year

well i think...i mean i absolutely know...your kittens would be interested 

so let's turn the tables to the director TONY LARSON fer a change...so tell me TONY the readers want to know what exactly made you decide to want to film this tale of terror with that terror KRYSTAL and how ever did you manage to get the unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe to get on board in the first place?

well then…i guess he’s prepp’n for the premiere…move’n on!

ok so i guess i'll follow yer lead from the past interviews that you've done

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

so ask me KRYSTAL darling anything you wanna know about me except about those fuck'n rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism

ok JOAN...i heard yer somewhat to blame fer the downfall of the late

MICHAEL JACKSON by give'n him some advice on date'n...can you elaborate on that?

i can admit that the whole downfall to MICHAEL JACKSON's career was 

entirely my fault...i told him to only date 28 year old's...

who knew he was gonna find 20 of them & i don’t wanna hear any of you out there gimme any grief over that one so on that note toodaloo cuntaroo!

i wanna thank the dearly deceased JOAN RIVERS fer come'n on over

from the other side to bask in my dimly lit spotlight and chitter chatter’n with me fer a mere moment in time...i wished we could'a talked a bit longer but i dropped my dignity all over the ouija board and we lost our connection though presumably i can now marinate in my fame fer a moment since my dimly lit spotlight just got ginormous with MY NAME FINALLY ON THE MARQUEE!

hope you enjoy our desperate attempt at terrify'n you with "TELEPHONE" and have yerself a helluva hweenie and here's hope'n yer trick won't treat you with an uncomfortable uber ride to the red door clinic in the morn'n!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt. 1

with the cool'n of the atmosphere and the leaves fall'n faster than most

of my morals these days...it's that time of the year once again to pull out those flannel culottes...dust off that heavy duty duvet and clean yer damn cum stained curtains kitten...i mean come on (me) the neighbors are start'n to notice...show some fuck'n decorum!

i'd love to marinate in what you've been up to all year so far with a hot 

cuppa spiced spider cider and a plate full of who really gives a shit cookies that know ones eat'n accepted yer dwindle'n social media fan base...however...i've been far too busy to acknowledge anyone's existence fer the past month and a half as i have been dipp'n my delicate lil piggies that went to the market back in front of my dimly lit spotlight fer the emotionless picture academy

of course you must know by now that this ain't my first time into the foray 

of film cuz as you'll recall i made my feature debut in 1998 as the mute club kid with the aqua blue hair in the cinematic catastrophe called "HOMO HEIGHTS" 

starr'n beloved...though since deceased...colostomy bagger QUENTIN CRISP and pre OITNB deliciously funny bull dyke LEA DELARIA and from that role i sprang a leak into some bands video in 1999 that i never knew who they were to this very day though i did get paid $50 to keep my clothes on fer a change (so that was nice)

of course there was that "blue" movie in 1991 to offset that cost of my rent 10 years later

BUTT that's it!

nonetheless with the most hallowed of seasons upon us the industries all 

abuzz with the latest homage to all those cheezy whizzed 80's B chiller thrillers from the yester years such as classics like  "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME" "SLEEPAWAY CAMP" and "CHOPPING MALL" among many many other eyesore productions

fuck keep'n up with the kankersoredashians...try keep'n up with the very

latest installment in this tittilate'n traumatized tale of terror…the cinematic eyesore  "TELEPHONE"

now this top secret script had never been circulate'n around hollyweird fer 

any amount of time to any of the lead'n directors like SPIELBERG...SCORSESE or BURTON...well cuz that restrain'n order was still in effect ever since i thumbed that ride in 2013 to hollyweird and was picked up... 

by hot to trot actor of the "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS" franchise PAUL WALKER one breezy wednesday afternoon along the 101 and made him drop me off at the dollar general to get some prophylactic's in Valencia and after that it's anyone's guess what happened

the script would finally and meticulously be extracted outta the circular  

 trash bins behind the piggly wiggly in the Minne-Apple by the magical mastermind responsible fer such oscar meyer wiener winner classics like 2010's "MOMMIE QUEEREST" where the lead actress KRYSTAL KLEER would suffer from a brilliant case of pink eye durin' film'n with subtle dark facial syndrome (where only a vat of petroleum jelly smothered on the lens could make it even socially viewable) along with itchy unmentionable's (who won't be mentioned) yet she managed to pull off an award whine'n performance as the down and out catastrophic CHRISTINA CRAWFISH

followed up 2 years later in 2012 with the hard hitt'n often brutally pathetic documentary "KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY" 

brought to you by brilliantly talented director of the Minne-Apple’s WONDER ROOM productions...TONY LARSON who had a premonition and wanted to utilize the best in the biz to bring this mashed potato masterpiece to fruition

though industry insiders spilled the beans on the many very high profile

actresses that had auditioned fer the coveted lead role as the anti age'n low class harlet in high heels "KRYSTAL" thru-out the covid summer of 2020 include'n Oscar winn'n A-listeriners like MERYL...JULIANNE and GLENN

(A-L-L-E-G-E-D-L-Y that i heard thru a 3rd party)

who apparently thinks LINDA LAVIN gave them up fer adoption when she landed the title role as ALICE HYATT in the hit 70's sitcom "ALICE" (however i cannot confirm nor deny these allegations at this present time via my lawyer's instructions)

even south of the border hot tamale chica MARIA ROSARIO PILLAR MARTINEZ MOLINA BAEZA (otherwise known simply as CHARO) came to the audition with her gucci pucci knee pads in her Prada purse like a true professional but she refused to get vaxxed so she got axed!

ultimately the risky role would go to thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

 i mean...when you think about it...the lead character is named completely after me and is loosely based on my delusional mind anyways so how apropos is that? though the director reiterated explicitly and unfortunately emphatically that there would be no need fer the cast'n couch interview nor would there ever be one warranted in any way shape or form durin' the production of this epic psychological chiller thriller (great...i bought all those unused anti biotic syringes from that shady salesman in the park fer nothing) such is life!

tune in next week fer behind the scenes & an exclusive sit down interview 

with the one and only KRYSTAL KLEER...now GET OFF MY DRESS!