FACTS OF LIFE

you take the good...you take the bad...you take them both and then you

have a damn good reason to be glad this fuck'n year is finally come'n to an unfortunate covid car crash end after the holiblazed season'n we've hadda suffer thru practically this entire 2020...however...where or where shall i begin kittens?

i suppose i might as well start with all the bad shit that's take'n place this

dreaded year...start'n with the sicke'n tactics by 1 MPLS officer and his 3 co-conspirators that sparked off a domino effect of riots thru-out the planet for months that called for police reform and focused on the unjust kill'n of a black man over $20...

from loose'n GINSBURG...to the GAMBLER...to the GRRREATEST BLACK PANTHER on earth...

nothing hit home more fer us evil gen X'ers and galactic geek-a-zoids around the unisver than the untimely pass'n of the originally beloved Dark Lord and his most trust worthy bounty hunter...

unfortunately the party was truly over on xmas day fer this monster

(regardless of yer feel'n towards MICHAEL...he was the face of the 90's NY club kid scene)

entertain'n the masses on their gin soaked asses ain't easy...every queen on the planet did what they could via the internet to keep their fans spirits and virtual tips afloat...however...you've been doin these shitty shows since march laydee’s...if i gotta sit thru another fuck'n online performance by some broke ass queen spend'n 30 minutes say'n "HI" to every desperado enter'n the room after (insert every performer here) spent 25 minutes stare'n at their screen like some meth riddled muskrat try'n to figer if they're live or not to only spend roughly 5 minutes on their actual show...trust me...you have been convicted of assholism!

(they know exactly whoever they are)

the fact that i lost my job...my mind and my dignity (ONCE AGAIN) along with my dreaded 40's...this year can't get over soon enough (to be honest really...it wasn't all that bad flipp'n the BIG 5-0...i did finally wash my hands free of ALL my X habits)

after ALL that...don't even get me started on that barely there $600 worth of pathetic table scraps that congress will barely "give us" in a timely manner that the mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE corrupt lie'n sociopathetik anal warted sack of pustule shit...

couldnt give 2 shits about sign'n off in a timely manner fer the nearly 14 million kittens in limbo or on life support...even with bombs explode'n on his watch durin' these already pandammic pandilema times...all cuz it interfered with his swing game

that $600 is basically just a bad Sally Struthers infomercial with Sarah McLachlan music echo'n forlornly in the background at this point...period!

and on top of that...we must'nt ferget the criminal abuse of hand'n out free passes to known criminals

from the biggest mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE corrupt lie'n sociopathetik sack of criminal pigshit in the history of the presidency!

while xanax was give'n out like trail mix to half the country that decided to shower with their shock collar on high over the election results...

and bank tellers everywhere were popp'n prozac like peppermint patties on high alert everytime a customer came to their window with the current mask policy in place 

BUTT...it wasn't all that bad...

those lucky enough to cling on to their paycheck and work from home got to relax in their fav-o-rit Mrs Roper ensemble that they've been die'n to show off at their next zoom meet'n

i'm one step closer to a new set of wheels and can't wait to go bat shit crazy by over charge'n my AARP card to get my much earned and appreciated 10% off at the many fine diabetic drive-thru dinners thru-out the tri state area

i also decided to study about a part of the planet that i've never knew i was HUNGARY for...until now!

of course there'll be a plethora of recycled crap to get from half of the lobotomized light socket lickers around the country to keep wood stoves around the planet in business til spring

and DOLCE & GABBANA teamed up with the hilarious Mrs Griffin to unveil their latest "must have" accessory from their winter collection (fuck the Birkin) everyone will be scream'n to show off their spank'n new KATHY clutch bag...

at the virtual presidential inauguration!

there ya have it kittens...who's knows what the new year has to offer

besides some damn decency and fuck'n decorum back in the Oval Office...we'll just have to wait and find out...now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

FRUITY LOOPHOLES

i've been asked a merried of times since i was old enough to know which way i was gonna butter my bread…how do i know if i don't sexually like non-homosexual women if i haven't tried one...nothing against my lezbitronic sisters…but rarely am i asked if i might be one of their kind

the $64,000 question…that i've been asked just about…oh…i don’t know…64,000 TIMES!

let's join my life already in progress…shall we?

i touched lightly on this subject like a heavy flow day many a time before…

but recently i met someone who hadda deal with their own "come'n out" process from an almost completely sheltered society that deems it an act of an abomonation...so i figered i'd explore it one last time fer the cheap seaters in the back…just so there is NO confusion!

first off…it boggles my mind why anyone that has not give'n me…at the very least…a birthday prez (or a STD for that matter) would not be able to get their irritably-bitter-bible-thump'n-non-homosexual-baby-make'n machinery function'n properly if i'm not…how do you non homosexuals 

refer to it as again? "bang'n the beaver"

the climactic "butter'n the muffin"…

"poke'n the pie hole" or...

every non homosexual males favorite..."milk'n the melons"

don't worry…i'll get to "MY PEOPLES" poetic titles soon enough kittens

FYI…i don't believe in disclaimers…it cuts down on my traffic…so if yer old enough to open my world up with a simple click of a couple of buttons...yer old enough to know better…and if yer easily offended by offensive imagery...well...too bad ya ain't double jointed cuz ya can bend over and fuck yerself!

so where was i goin with this?…oh yea…how will it benefit or better yet

justify your existence and wash away yer delusionally warped thought process if you knew i actually committed unnatural acts on some cookie cutter cunt of your choice?

let's go back in time and see where it all went horrifically wrong...

i never got the "birds-n-the-bee's" story grow’n up in my household…

i just remember my dad as being this fun love'n…hard work'n grizzly bear tree trimmer fer the city…

provide'n for his cubs (at this point there was only 6 in the den…2 more would be crawl'n about the follow'n years to close out the 70's)

and mama bear...barely hold'n on to her own sanity...in the insane household of diaper rashes and dirty clothes

our understated moderately priced 19 inch zenith black and white tv...

was nothing to brag about..at least we weren't subjected or bothered with stand'n in sub zero weather fer hours at midnite to fulfill a fade'n fad...but it kept us entertained...when tv was actually tv...with shows like...

M*A*S*H

The SONNY and CHER SHOW

ALICE

The JEFFERSONS

and who could forget the girl who could turn the world on...with her smile

grow'n up on the chicken/crop farm that we did...there was plenty to do

from sew'n the seeds...while nature grew the seeds...then we ate the seeds…

feed'n the monstrous cluckers with my older brother Jim was it's own horror story in itself…

gett’n lobotomized by the apocolyptic off key karaoke band at the local comedy club on sundays...hypnotize’n you to throw away 10% of yer weekly earn'ns to fund the frocked up CASPER crusader’s lavish lifestyle was like a weekly trip to funny farm but a break from ours

i hadn't been touched inappropriately by a man of the cloth…or had any

"THORNBIRDS" thoughts (well...til i met my 7th grade principle at catholic school fer the 1st time move'n him into his new apt as an altered salty boy with my brothers)

i don't recall being strapped to my high chair and shown any of those

"boom chickie wow wow" movies involve'n steamy man-on-man action with my eyelids stapled to my forehead by one of the many cousins that used to babysit me...

nor was i subjected to endless hours of tap dance'n classes...though i would'a thoroughly enjoyed jump'n at the chance to be the break-out star in class and most assured that i'da excelled to the head of the troupe in no time at all

i pretty much knew what tripped my trigger at the tender and supple age 

of 5...i can actually pin point where it all began...when fingers found flesh and my palm pilot was ready to take off

i remember flipp'n thru the back of Joan Crawford's jc penny catalogs...

in the bedroom i shared with 3 of my brothers and completely ignored the cross my heart advertisements

and went straight (ironic huh?) for the Jim Palmer underwear ads 

(this was the actual ad)

i would get to relive my fascination with the full male formation when we moved into our new house on 4th st years later and i seen my first full man on woman porn at the still tender (but already impressed) age of 13 while visit'n my cousin's console tv with 2 of my sibs one summer afternoon...

who lived on the other side of our back yard and know'n the only thing i wanted to do to the nekid baby maker in the movie was back comb her hair a bit more (let me clarify...it was above her shoulders...and NOT below her boulders)

all my sibs decided to take that arduous road & go the Bundy route in life

live'n their naturally born lives...and are as happy as married couples can get i suppose...though you and i are well aware there have always been sexually suppressed married couples

live'n in denial due to societies standards and ignorance as a whole (thankfully times are a change'n though) but that ain't my prob kittens…i never ordered those "issues" and have cancelled my subscription to others who've tried to sign me up to their blister'n yet bountiful membership...i just realized after 50...i don't particularly like stretch marks that much

basically...in the end...let me end it with these thoughtful words of wisdom

if i ain't fuck'n you...or you ain't fuck'n me...then WHY OH WHY...do you care who i fuck? cuz i certainly don't give 2 fucks who yer fuck'n!

so there ya have it kittens…looks like society or the entertainment industry as a whole had nutt'n to do with my sexually flavored behavior…but if 

yer STILL not convinced i'm happy just the way i am…then FINE! how do YOU know you don't like a meaty tooth chipper?

or give’n it a go at bein’ the best sword swallower?

perhaps a thick piece of meat (cut or uncut) choke'n the back of yer throat…or better yet...

remove'n yer lungs?

perhps tea bagg'n is more yer taste?

punch'n into Charlie and the Chocolate factory can be entertain'n…

provided the factory is cleaned out thuroughly of course...no one loves a burrito pinata!

in conclusion…i was born a happy non heterosexual child...

(for the most part) who just happens to enjoy cock-a-doodle-do

BUTT this alone...

 does not define me as a person just wait'n for someone to chant my name...while jump'n off a cliff!

stop with try'n to convert…indoctrinate…pass judgment or strip us of our

dignity...without slipp'n a dollar in the ol' g-string first of course...whom you think are live'n in sin...since me and a large population of non-heterosexuals are not doin it to you

i can admit though...i've been around those from my side of the fence who think they can and make it their mission in life to try to convert defectors 

from the other side...but really...if they have any indication of interest...it's probably a good guess that they haven't cancelled their subscription just yet...so...game over! well...unless you got a rag and a bottle of chloroform handy (although i'm pretty sure that's considered part of the rape category at that point)

so if yer a non homosexual male who's doesn't like COCK…

or yer a non homosexual female who doesn't like PUSSY…

then eat what's on yer own damn plate...happy holiglaze kittens...now GET OFF MY DRESS!