convert'n the pervert'n

there were many great introductions to come outta Indiana...

Abe the bearded babe introduced the emancipation of aunt Jemima so she no longer hadda flip flapsjacks fer anyone but her own family fer a change

Mr. Letterman introduced our insomniatic attacks to top 10 lists and stupid pet tricks

Mr. Jones i presume

lil Jonnie Cougar introduced us to "little pink houses...for you and me"

and now thanx to Governor Mike Pence who signed into law the
 "religious restoration freedom act"...

all those CASPER crusader'n town folk can breath a sigh of relief in their deeply held religious briefs

well...big wigs at major corporations like Salesforce...PayPal...Angies List and Apple condemned the new law and some even decided to pull their...

piggy banks and skedaddle outta town...even their next door neighbor a short 14 hour drive away...decided to close up shop

but praise all those who follow that delusional entity in that puffy palace...

up above...on every single word that was handed down unto them...like these inbred simpletons who no longer have to feel forced into hide'n their biblical backwash and loose their dignity along with their livelihood...all cuz some diesel dyke or muscle mary...that was perhaps "think'n" about join'n together in some unholy matrimony...and ruin'n ava marie ferever...by force'n 'em to their knees...

and serve'n the much requested pizza party at their very undelusional entity like union...fer all their unrepentant ring pirates and pole puff'n guests 

well kittens...the flood gates of hate opened up wide after their admission and Lucifer's followers followed up with such anger and contempt towards...

THEM...that they were forced to close...T-E-M-P-O-R-A-R-I-L-Y

so they could contact CASPER direct and find a way to regroup...reopen...and rejoice

well i'm here ta tell ya kittens...CASPER was in a 3 way...call with mother nature's kids that nite...but low and behold on bended knees...his kid B-GEE-UZ was available and answered their prayers in the tune of over $800g's

now...i'm sorry fer all the dilapidated homeless shelters...cancer patients...refugee's in 3rd world war torn countries and all the unwanted orphans...but come'on man...this is the best fuck'n misinterpreted PIZZA on the planet my delusional daddy built...and they deserve all the help they can get!

with all the backlash the state has received with this new law...there was somethin' that had to be done pronto...to help restore the family...the faith

and the freedom to serve who they choose...and now...thanx to the Chamber of Commerce's quick think'n to help boost Indiana's exclusiveness...their all new no-homo promo ad clears up any illusion of confusion...by say'n bigotry is beautiful and hate is best served with a side of deeply held religious gravy poured over yer repentant potatoes

hmmm...this is the best money maker since etsy or ebay and i ain't gotta lift a finger...just pout about how the bible comic book tells me so...then watch

the benjamins flow like Moses part'n the red sea his flea bitten scalp... or at least that's what this Cooter crusader in Michigan thinks will happen fer him

of course it wouldn't take long fer him to cry to his believers zombie zealots about alleged death threats...with a good ol' fashioned "gun's/G*D/and let our religious freedom ring yer neck beer bbq"

though some good has come outta all this insanity from the new law....

signed in Indiana...as this smart tart purchased the domains of 6 republicants and republicunts that signed thier deeply held hidden agenda into law...

www.daledevon.com 

www.donlehe.com

www.donnaschaibley.com

www.douglasgutwein.com

www.kathykreagrichardson.com 

www.martincarbaugh.com

 as a sorta learn'n tool to educate them and their fucked flock of brain dead bible beater eaters comic book crack-heads

after all was said and done though...there was a slight tweek in the law...

unfortunately...the governor's approval rate'n is bein' sacrificed to the porcelain gods now

but seriously kittens...with states try'n to pass laws like these in 2015...

though they may not believe in behead'n or burn'n or blow'n themselves up...how are they NOT any different that ISIS?

these archaic laws will not last...the new generation is on the rise and has a completely different view on humanity...these elected bought and paid fer "politicians" are only concerned about their here and now...not about the future that they obviously want no part of...we can ALL change at some point in our life and evolve without stepp'n on each others life in general...

the past shouldn't haunt the future...unless yer future is in the past!

now get off my dress!

debunction junction

there are many many myths in the world that many many people have believed to be true...that sooner or later...at some point...gets debunked as 100% false

like fer instance...a GORGEOUS drag queen like...

RuPaul

a GORGEOUS transgendered beauty like...

Amanda Lepore

a GORGEOUS transvestite as sweet as...

James Franco

and those trans fats...

are all in the same

i'm here to tell ya kittens...THEY'RE NOT!

so today kittens...lemme break it down about the myths of the "drag queen"...or as i prefer to refer to them as a "perform'n illusionist"...

cuz drag queen just sounds so very old and very ugly...
(above sample provided strictly fer educational purposes only)

of which i am neither...YET!

and when you can take a well endowed cock-a-doodle do and make it into a dirty lil kitty cat...you are in a sense perform'n a pretty damn good illusion

so with that in mind kittens...let's hop aboard the debunction express

# 1 all perform'n illusionists are gay

though this myth that ALL perform'n illusionists are non heterosexual...it has been debunked by many who see it strictly as a cinematic art form fer comic relief...and not a way of life

#2 all perform'n illusionists wanna be women

this is one of those myths...that i even knew as a teenager doin' the polka dance with puberty...thanx to shows like Phil Donahue back in the 80's...didn't hold a shred of truth...those would be of the "transgender" category...and though it's true that some performers are of a transgendered nature...they are no longer an "illusionist"...a huge chunk of "illusionsits" do it fer the attention they never received from their parent(s)...cuz they simply love it and it offers them a creative outlet....plus it's an easy way to make a fast buck without have'n to compromise yer morals under a burnt out street lamp in some back alley

#3 perform'n illusionists only perform fer the money

this myth is definitely soooo not true...though some illusionists make a decent live'n from perform'n... the vast majority of illusionists i know...have full-time jobs and spend more money than what they make from perform'n to get that perfect look...perform'n is an extremely expensive hobby when done correctly...that they just love doin...we're like a VanGogh or Monet...on acid...that's come to life

#4 a perform'n illusionist is less of a man

this myth is usually brought upon by closeted non heterosexuals that think that they're fool'n the crowd with their "str8 act'n and appear'n" schtick!...well i'm here to tell you kittens...ya ain't fool'n anyone but yerself...since 10 times outta 10...they have their feet stapled to the ceil'n before i can get my the front door shut...most illusionists are more of a man cuz they have the courage to do what they do...regardless what others may think...it takes an extremely confident man to put himself out there for others to judge and sometimes ridicule...just fer some benjamins

# 5  all perform'n illusionists are bottoms

this myth sorta goes along with #4...and i'm here to tell ya kitten...THEY'RE NOT! *wink*wink*...of course i'm assume'n all you out there in read'n land know what i mean by "BOTTOM"...so no explanation should be required...if not...get a book!

#6  anyone can be a perform'n illusionist

this myth...though seems all inclusive...is somewhat exclusive...depend'n on what bar ya visit...perform'n as an illusionist is not easy...and not anyone can do it...you have to have that "it" factor...if yer gonna be an illusionist...you need to be able to capture the audience's attention and keep the monkey's tap dance'n til dawn...or at least til yer heels and hair is paid off...plus you also need to have a large unclogged heart and be will'n to work for nothin' to raise money for charities and help the community...this is not an easy task to ask

# 7 perform'n illusionist's never use their boy names

this myth...some say is...you should never use an illusionists "boy name" when the war paint is applied...which is sometimes true...but it all depends on the illusionist and the situation...if he is in his illusion...then you should use his illusionist name obviously...especially if you want any sorta attention from them... i call all other illusionists by their perform'n name whether they're in or outta their illusion...cuz i can't be bothered to remember who they really are...and i expect the same...(though a genuflection is customary when address'n me on the street)

#8 wearing a dress makes you a perform'n illusionist 

this myth couldn't be further from the truth...this is usually a sexual fetish made popular by a transvestite...and most of them are 100% non homosexual...but just love the feel of silky things carress'n their unwaxed...flat tired A double snakes

#9 all perform'n illusionists are bitchy

this myth...though does hold some truth since most performers are known fer their cattiness...or extreme bitchiness...and it's what the audience expects...but let's stop and look at it from their perspective...they're wear'n multiple pairs of tights...marinate'n in 10 pounds of maybelline under hot lights...in heels that weren't made for their feet...add to that a corset and have'n their junk taped to their trunk fer hours at a time sometimes...you  would be a lil bitchy too...plus some feel that they have the right to judge them and demand things from them the second they're off stage...(i'm talk'n to you damn bridal parties)...bein an illusionist is not easy job and therefore we've earned the right to be a lil bitchy from time to time...but in reality...the majority of them are the coolest creative people you will ever meet...most of them would give you their blouse off their backs...while they're secretly gett'n slipped yer boyfriend's number

#10 all perform'n illusionists love to be photographed

this myth is only true when they're in a controlled environment...and someone like David Lachapelle or Annie Lebowitz is behind the camera...let's face it...we are ALL attention whores to the nth degree...BUT...the majority of illusionists should never...i repeat NEVER...be spontaneously jumped in a crowd by a bunch of drunken fly'n monkeys with their iphones set fer stunned...who instantly instagram our horrored look on facebook or tumblr or any other website...you will instantly be blocked fer life...and well into yer next life...cuz we NEVER ferget a bad pic!...if you would like a memory with all our fabulessness in tact...just ask...we're more than happy to oblige...as long as you shoot from straight on...or above...and have enough vaseline on the lense to make us look like a fetus in a wig...like we imagine we look like once we've reached a certain age

and now that you the truth...get off my dress!

a whole lotta nutt'n goin' on!

a few months back...at the beginn'n of last year...a friend of mine asked if i'd like to help celebrate his last year in his 30's...before he had to start stitch'n a gown and have it completed in time for his AARP discount card

destination: OPRAHVILLE

but since i had already planned on sell'n my soul fer MADONNA tickets

i hadda decline...but he decided to gimme his miles and take care of my room...as long as i got him drunk...so what gurl wouldn't skip-to-my-lou!

well...let me tell ya...what happens in gaytown...doesn't necessarily stay in gaytown...sometimes it falls into a lovely  little blog center piece...BUT...

i have more tackling issues to resolve these days...like which base...lipstick and eyeliner looks good on you when shopp'n fer tasty spermicidal jams and jellies...NOT!

so...where shall i begin?...hmmm...i know...how about THE HEELS!

OH FER SHAME!...they had THEE most brilliant glittered green 6 inch Louboutin knock off pieces of heaven at my fav-o-rit heel haunt in gaytown...but only ONE PAIR to be had...i felt like Cinder-fuck'n-fella gett'n ready to rumble...as they were a ½ size TOO SHORT for my hooves!....(i knew i should gotten my feet bound like a lil geisha girl at the tender and supple age of 25...like most do...right?)

of course ya can't have heels without hair...am i right ladies and gentiles?

so...not 1...but 2 platinum blondes later...the 1st one very Veronica Lake

the 2nd pile of synthetic follicles was very Kate Pierson of B-52's fame

and Krystal's 1st EVER...pearl necklace...made entirely outta krystals...

not that this was MY 1st pearl necklace mind you...*wink*wink*wink*

(hey Krystal ain't called the dirty gurl fer nutt'n) 

but this was the 1st one i ever had to pay for in my life!

another Krystal 1st was the purchase of what i thought would look like...

shapely Marilyn Monroe-esque hip shappers...

turned out to look more like i was toast'n hamburger buns on my hips...so i'll need to do some altercations before i would ever wear them in public

so now what you've been wait'n fer...the hedonistic portion of my vacation

i'll make this short~n~sweet...without gett'n yer mind all sticky!

though i am unable to connect to...since i'm still apparently live'n in the stone ages of communicado with my rotary style flip phone...(at the time)

but was WELL educated with my flock of mo's i was in town with...the art of GRINDER and SCRUFF the entire weekend!

i cannot comment on their shenanigans...as i was not present fer all 10 or so of them...let's just say...i don't want...nor desire the need to be on some electronical dart board of self consciousness at every given moment...

even if my flock decided they couldn't walk 2 feet without check'n in and check'n out within the 50 ft radius of raw animalistic instincts around them...not judge'n...just say'n!

i...on the other hand...was focused on my mission of gett'n a new frock and in no mood to do the walk of shame from some piper fitter's porch at 4 am

look'n to poach my eggs...who's shelf life was pretty much about to go bad!

that is...until nite number 3...

when my temporary non heterosexual sexually charged bed buddy...whom i found attractive...but was not attract to sexually...decided to be an out-a-towner at some tally whacker's palace fer nite #2 and #3 (since i wasn't need'n any nutt'n) after another fun nite of bar hopp'n and bedroom eyes all around...i returned back to the hotel...alone

unable to count sheep...i decided to take a drive along the informational highway at 3 am to see if there were any hitch hikers that needed a lift

why not!

at 1st it was the usual A double snakers that wouldn't leave you alone

followed up by the desperado villagers that lost out at last call by bar close

then...it's as if the pearly gates flung w-i-d-e open (and YES...read all you want into that)...let the pun(s) begin!

this non heterosexually charged adonis hits me up...and turns out he's only 1 1/2 blocks away from my hotel room...hmmm...OH MY CHER what to do?

WHAT TO DO?

well...since i'm a guest in gaytown...and had the room to myself...i thought to myself...i said self...how many times in the past 15 years that you've been cruise'n along the informational highway...hit on by some adonis...
only to show up to some bad false advertisement nightmare? FUCK THAT!

they're either some mr. magoo and master of their own misery

or some twink with no dink...look'n more like some miss'n link...into kink!

then why the hell am i dress'n up to march myself over to him?

(ummm...cuz yer like a moth to a flame)...oh yea...that's right!

so down the hall to the elevator...and out the front doora...

thru the streets of some fairly unknown city at 3 am...fer some good ol' sodom and gomorrah!

though i'm not much of a gambler these days...and even though cabrini green was no where near where i was stay'n...nor carries the same horror stories as it once did back in the day...it had been over 90 days...and the revirginalization process had just begun...kittens...i suffered ENOUGH!

as i made my way up the elevator to the dark shawdow's apartment...

i figered 2 things were most likely goin' to happen to me:

#1 his photo is a complete fake and i am no desperado villager...so at the very least...i will have gotten my cardio done fer the day

#2 he's some ax wield'n homocidal maniac...in which case...it's always a good rule of thumb to leave the number and address where you are goin' at the current place you are stay'n...so it'll make it easier fer the cops...

to locate yer body...so i always put my angela lansbury cap on when venture'n to unknown territories

turns out all the rules were thrown out the door...cuz when i walked thru what would now come-2-b-known as the "pearly gates"...i won the long shot!

as the door opens...i hesitate briefly before invite'n myself in...his cherry red ikea fold out couch looks like a million bucks in his studio shitbox...

as did his split bamboo curtains from target's safari collection

we stare...look'n into each others eyes...at our reflections...make'n sure we're picture perfect in case the camera's were roll'n

it's as if he had just walked off the cover of someone's fav-o-rit porn mag

(no need to adjust yer vision kittens...this is ACTUALLY HIM in full bloom)

he wraps his incredibly toned arms around me...

carress'n my incredibly toned A double snakes

we fall dramatically backwards into his couch bed...which was remarkably open...and as i leaned over to turn off the lamp and the modular furniture

faded into the mist...he started kiss'n me...like i hadn't be kissed in years...and he wanted me...he wanted me inside him...but all of a sudden i said STOP!...do you have any rubbers?

would you mind putt'n one on?...while yer at it...make it 2!

and i would feel just a whole alot better if you would apply some spermicidal jams and jellies to the area...we all know we've both been around!

i stopped...in the name of love

but i just wanted him to know...that no matter where...no matter how far...i want him to be able to look up into the sky and wish on his lucky star...cuz if he should ever need me...i'll be there in a hurry on that he can depend...

and mister (what's yer name again?) please don't e-v-e-r worry!

ain't no mountain high enough...ain't no valley low enough...ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you hoo!

hmmmm... i know i've heard that somewhere before?

he asked fer my name...and i thought what's the harm in that bit of info...

"BITCH...I'M MADONNA!"

anyways...all in all...i give his performance...3 1/2 monkey spanks outta 4

well...that's my trip kittens...hope you enjoyed yer voyeuristic view and fer those gett'n ready to point fingers and judge...i assure you...no money...or canned goods were exchanged...just 2 ships that passed in the horny nite!

now get off my dress!