RESOLUTION RESTITUTION

with every new years eve there comes a new list of everyone's annoyingly

 

unattainable ridiculous (or redickuless...depend'n on how you butter yer bread) resolutions that they don't ever have the slightest intention or interest of ever beginn'n let alone complete'n once dawn breaks and their champagne hangover ends up bein' more embarass'n at their age once they've realized the bedsheets are made outta newspaper print only to turn over fer a good look at the halitosed mud flaps with rheumatism they apparently met just hours earlier on their walk home thru some seedy downtown alley after their balls dropped

once you've crossed over into AARP country

those 20 pounds you planned on shedd'n once you've recouped from yer 

walk of shame to the uber after yer recognitive senses have regained their full functions...have multiplied and now become a maximum security prison of fat cells molest'n yer body ever since you made that resolution to shed them 3 new years prior and now realize that you need to borrow the jaws of life from yer local fire station just to get outta the 5 pairs of spanx that you've encased yerself into like a drunken egyptian pharaoh just to get that perfect selfie at the stroke of midnite to post all over yer social media...kittens...life is no easy bake oven!

"ANTICIPATION" lyrics from Miss CARLY SIMON mock'n you in yer head

as you desperately wait to read the comments from supposed fam and friends who have zero intention of ever contact'n you to catch up just cuz they posted "miss you let's get together soon" which was only posted as some simple misguided penance cuz they were suddenly stung by the holidazed hornet

there are no fancy creams to wash away yer misinterpreted existence

nor are there even enough benjamins in yer bank account to make a difference anyways since you maxed out yer EBT card and yer sciatica nerve has become yer own personal spring board of backaches

may i suggest you reach fer things much more attainable at this stage

of yer life like hope'n you don't mistake that over stuffed bean burrito from Chipotle you inhaled on the highway that's been sitt'n in yer fridge fer 5 weeks as just gas when yer goin grocery shopp'n

or remember'n to put yer bifocals on after dry'n yerself off from the shower so you can distinguish between yer tubes of tooth paste and yer preparation H

and remember'n to keep yer gorilla glue in yer junk drawer after fix'n the faucet in yer bathroom and not next to yer contact lense case on the medicine cabinet

quit with the damn daily affirmations and throw away yer hopeless candles

labeled hope of ever try'n to snag yerself a sympathetic soul mate after 35...cuz trust me at this point in the game of life consider yerself lucky if you have at least one friend who even bothers to listen to yer regrets any longer if you don't spring fer dinner and drinks on a notarized contract first

BUTT here me out...

fer generations society has been taught that the youthful are the only way

to live...to survive...to thrive and flourish without any regret or reason to bow down to those generational letters before them...however...what 20 somethin's don't realize is that since life expectancy is roughly 70+ years of age (assume'n yer not a total space cadet hopped up on goofballs or some Betty Ford beauty queen) which basically means they've peaked anyone’s interest by the time they've hit 35 at best...

and will begin their slow decent spiral'n down that middle age curly slide way before they've reached 50 so choke on that food fer thought!

just fuck all those in their 20's who think that the universe revolves around

them...seriously...just literally fuck 'em if that's yer cup of tea! well...without the use of chloroform and their consent of course (insert uncomfortable laugh here) in the 90's insecure people waited til they were established financially in their 40's to pathetically pass as 20 somethin' with injectables to get someone in their 40's to want them...20 somethin's today are look'n fer those financially stable 40+ crowds as an excuse to get outta their comfort zone and their parents basement fer the nite know'n that their gaggle of judgemental gestapo seethin' sidekicks can't afford to go out with them cuz they're save'n up fer their yearly botox retreat in Beijing to paralyze any part of their existence that might live beyond the age of 29 so it's a simple trade-off transaction really...they get out from under their parents wonder'n eye fer a lil rendezvous adventure that includes a two drink maximum 

and you get to recapture yer misspent youth to when you were too wasted to pull up yer culottes after slamm'n down a 6 pack of Zima's while try'n to grab onto yer ankles in some busted out brown bronco behind Little Caesar's after his shift...just make sure to get there 5 minutes before happy hour ends and slam'em then exit stage left pronto so you don't end up with overdrafts

as much as it's borderline pathetic to think that people of a certain age

like MARTIN LUTHER KING JR...RODNEY KING or even STEPHEN KING fer that matter can be remembered fer their profound and poetically prolific words to the wise...though you can no longer remember to put the damn seat down when you get up in the middle of the nite to make yer sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god!

when it's all said and done choose yer resolutions wisely and easily met

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

A HOLLY JOLLY GRINCHMAS

with the holiglazed season'n already nipp'n at everyone's runny nose 

there's always that batch of bellyache'n bitches with their britches in a twist who wanna constantly complain about the weather or contemplate whether they wanna simply drown their spirit in some spirits or not!

though most of the population tends to get caught up in the absolute 

pleasure of the chaotic retail check-out lines up until the very last xmas eve minute before close'n time...desperately cling'n onto whatever they can snatch off the shelves even if it's the last bag of ruffled  jalapeño cheddar chips just to stuff in some lil ungrateful shits stock'n...that we often overlook those with a tendency to revel in the disdain fer the ritualistic give'n of the gifts

with the recent pass'n of the "RESPECT FOR MARRIAGE ACT" signed

into law by PRESIDENT BIDEN (that was given the thumps up by only 39 G.O.PEE'rs) which includes non hetero and interracial facials finally bein' able to be legally just as fuck'n miserable as the rest of the population...who was joined in the brief'n room by "GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN" and psoriasis sufferer...the colorfully unusual songbird CYNDI LAUPER who celebrated the sign'n with the rest of the country

unfortunately...it was a cactus to the cantankerous cunt of Missouri vaginal scab VICKY HARTZLER who broke down on the House floor show'n no mercy in the defecation of her character

from the great state that birthed the QUEEN OF THE DANCEFLOOR

this life long Michigander with an impressive resume consist'n of lawyer...educator...former prosecutor...senator in both the house and the senate floors and governor since 2019 

GRETCHEN WHITMER has passed a merried of bills include'n protection fer foster kids...bolstered election access among many many other bills since her re-election...though most that are not from the Great Lakes state only know about GOVERNOR GRETCHEN from the attempted coup to kidnap her back in 2020 which thankfully was thwarted...

despite the fact that her cuntasaurus anti abortion extremist repuglicunt opponent MISS TURD DICKLESS who suggested durin' the campaign that it was all just a delusional plot in her head

unfortunately...fer these 3 LARRY...DARYL and DARYL undemocratic dipshits who hadda hissy fit over the states covid restrictions at the time cuz one can only assume that it interfered with their possum fuck'n competition...can now hone in on the art of throat plunge'n in the state pen

once proud card carry'n orange anal beaded affiliates of the "WOLVERINE WATCHMEN" militia...they've now had to grovel pathetically...throw'n themselves at the courts begg'n fer mercy from the judge since they can no longer afford their monthly stupidity membership fee to the wolf club

luckily the judge waved the membership fee and they are now insolent card carry'n members of the CRY BABY club fer roughly the next 20 years!

BUTT that's not all...

after the diarrheic announcement from the orange mentally deranged 

disastrously diabetic dilapidator in chief from the last election...who only announced his despicable run fer the white house a month ago to pathetically hope it would cushion his orange anal leakage from a perp walk to Riker's Island hosted by red headed funny lady KATHY GRIFFIN as commentator (hey...one can dream!)

the bloated circus peanut once again tweeted a "magor announcement"

 last week that got ALL his orange anal beaded deplorables marinate'n in their massengill...desperately gnaw'n on pins and needles fer the news...

will it be paint by neo-nazi numbers and vagisil vixen MTG as his owl screech'n vice bunion buffer?

will it be a double date with his disappointments (and the reason abortion needs to be solidified as the law of the land) Beavis and Butthole to a monster truck rally in Raleigh

or will it be free concerts fer life from KID ROCK's residency at the Crackle Barrel in Kansas City if you just let'em grab you by the pussy?

unfortunately...many MAGA deplorables were burn'n their made in china

blood clot MAGA hats in enormous effigies across the land in every park'n lot from Chick-fil-A to Hobby Lobby (that hopefully include all those friends and fam members that guzzled down his putrid bullshit orange juice since he demoralized the planet 6 years ago that i need not mention)

when they found out that their lecherous lie'n congealed cheeto dusted anal warted gaslite'n demiurge’s 3am infomercial announcement was nothing more than to pathetically promote his latest and greatest grift game to fool them into hand'n over their bingo and bud lite coins by produce'n shitty worthless vanity inflated heavily photochopped fantasies of a 7 year old electronical bubble gumless trade'n cards as stock'n stuffers fer the misogynistic closeted or uncloseted race bait'n ass wipe in yer innner circle fer the low low price of $99 each so he could inflate his hemorrhage'n piggy bank from the multiple lawsuits he's drown'n in especially when they found out that these vomitous works of art were nothing but pointless pieces of poor quality shit  

since all he did was cut and paste his bulge'n hemorrhoid between his shoulders with that haystack hot glued to cover his blowhole onto stock images from Amazon...Men's Warehouse among many other images without permission which will most likely bring on a slew of copyright lawsuits…

besides…the shitty worthless collectible card (literally) has already been done before

although the seditious sack of shit did offer a BOGO holiday special

on his bloated barfy originally untouched scratch and vomit wall poster that you can use to cover the draft in yer tin foiled den

however fer an added teaser...you can also be entered in a delusional

draw'n from his bullshit sweepstakes fer a chance to have him tickle yer taint with paint (cuz i ain’t) or motorboat his Mar-Lard-Goo'd muffin top

surprsingly…even his worn out political wart hog Steve Bannon decided it was time fer him to take off his support hose cuz of his ex boss's latest embarass'n shenanigans!

there is always gonna be MAGA nuts and extreme repuglicunts in many

many shapes and sizes and in every generational letter out there who WILL NOT be happy with just a simple elf on the shelf holiday anymore

since 121 of these wretched G.O.PEE'rs illegally voted to over throw the 2020 presidential election on jan. 6th, 2021 

so why fight 'em at this point anymore? just ignore them all together durin' the holidays and just let'em gag on their lunacy layers of cunt in a bunt this festive of seasons!

cuz thing is grinchies…in the end ya do get what ya paid for...total SHIT!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TYRANICAL MECHANICAL

when it comes to the corral of people i've acquired over the many years...

i've know those who are absolute whores...

and i have known those who are absolute bores! i of course have learned to balance myself in between both worlds without point'n fingers

i have had my many shares of ups and downs dur'in my Minne-apple life

and by that i mean there were times i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much of a tooth chipper they were or need'n their throat plunged

i can recall once how i had had all i could take and my cracks were about

to leak (BUTT i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)

so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite 

back in the mid millennium era durin' the holiglazed season after doin my sexual charitable act of the week (don't point yer paws at me kittens...i'm not dead) fer the low low price of 5 benjamins play'n taxi cabber to one of my longest and almost dearest friends...well there was that one incident involve'n an orange wedge stuffed with some colorful narcotic...

 that i was give'n unbeknownst to me fer an afternoon snack just fer their twisted pleasure when i lived in a 1 bedroom with 6 colorful castaways in Dinkytown back in '93 that oops'd herself into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category fer the next 6 years after i jumped out of our 2nd story bathroom...however...i’ve learned to look past the insanity of  that day & have patched up any bad blood years later

my piece of crap death mobile that i got by default thanx to catholick guilt

 from my not so dear uncle who was forced into a raisin ranch...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this one particular even'n...instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend

now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not particularly mechanically inclined to

  know exactly what it means when things start to rattle and shake concern'n my mobile especially when the lights started flicker'n on my dashboard like they were compete'n at some downtown disco competition...my simple thought process just told me immediately that if i don't wanna hear the clank'n and clatter'n...pull up yer culottes like any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe with a personal disdain fer mechanics in general and just solve the problem on yer own by turn'n the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and *POOF* problem solved...right?

well eventually i was gett'n exhausted by my shitty car's exhaust slowly

consume'n the oxygen inside of my car as i rolled the windows down before i was down and out behind the wheel and in the end suffered thru the indignation of the black friday chaos with no immediate p-r-o-b-l-e-m-s except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead to the store thus denied the red carpet treatment that i thought i deserved at this point

after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...

with the bedless...bathless and beyond annoy'n pack of black friday wolves...we finally packed up our purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!

once outside to start the car...it decided to start give'n me smart aleck

 back talk immediately as i turned the key and although i chanted some delusional meaningless nam you renge kyo's to the universe...my fuck'n shit mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than my libido at that point

thankfully i was as calm as a cucumber as calm as a cuntasaurus can be 

at this point after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...

she decided to defuse my blown out fuse and to use one of her last lifelines with me and phone a friend

about 60 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me

backed into the backseat of my car and jacked up my skirt back behind my wheels in 1.5 minutes flat...that's the quickest anyone's gotten me off and runn'n (at no cost...to date) he just asked fer my insurance policy and had me sign on the dotted line...he couldn't read my serial killer penmanship and said "i don't need yer cell number sir" i replied slyly "don't be so sure!" he clapped back with "i just need yer name" to which i seductively said "you can just call me TONITE...i mean it!"

by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake

 (and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers at the gym

insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...

unfortunately as i turned the key once again with my fingers crossed...FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...

i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...thankfully a passerby didn’t pass me by and jumped me…i mean my car and off i was once again...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital to figer out what the actual fickle stix was actually wrong with my cartastrophe

a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air

 blow'n thru my follically challenged scalp...in concert sing'n back-up with LORETTA LYNN's "YOU AIN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY MAN" then all of a sudden F-U-U-U-U-U-U-C-K! a few blocks from my destination i noticed that my dashboard started back at the discotheque with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go back into ape shit mode... 

cuz i was drive'n behind Miss Colostomy Bag 2016 in who was move'n at the speed of Helen Keller in a burn'n build'n

i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough 

and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...damn! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?

once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...

i was told the ETA was just an hour away however i had ants in my pants and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but

 also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF or Throatplungers.com i can’t remember off hand to be honest

request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads

logged off their accounts in droves and logged in my exact coordinance into their GPS systems...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n that morn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent although after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes from turn'n into a popsicle if i'd just give them a jump before they jumped my car (i cannot confirm nor deny that last scenario just happened to pop in my head as i recalled this day)

my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were

well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...

i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest expired H2O and offered a complimentary hand job in the john by some John (hey…it could happen!) unfortunately they only encourage ritual bathin's plus it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...it's just a luxury if you have them all

needless to say...i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way

but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...

and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 more benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap before i planned on leave'n town to Peetrinella's xmas exchange so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place to begin with and of course he try'd explain'n his way outta it in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...

nevertheless...i figered my only solution at this point in life was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy lip service agent and then some meat headed mechanic to fuck like my X so i don't get fuck'd over ever again! hope you enjoyed my ride from H-E-double hockey stix...oh and just to be proactive here...i'm take'n applications fer future mechanics with throat plunge'n payment plans so PM me yer deets

now GET OFF MY DRESS!