YABBA DABBA ABBA

who can ever ferget that time when Bernadette had asked Felicia...

what was in her lil necklace charm...to which she [Felicia] told the story of how she went on a lil pilgrimage backstage after an ABBA concert and popped into the ladies loo...only to find out that Agnetha had left her a lil gift...and if Bernadette said it once...she said it a million times "NO MORE FUCK'N ABBA"...in the down unda smash hit "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT"

then of course there was the time when Muriel was terribly OBSESSED with ABBA...until her life became an ABBA song...in the romantic aussie comedy "MURIEL'S WEDDING"

 and with the soon to be released 2nd installment...from the hit broadway musical of the same name of the game...starr'n the one and only Miss Sarkisian as Sophia's gran-mama...Ruby Sheridan...in this summer's life support musical "MAMMA MIA"...everything is come'n up ABBA once again!

YES...those bad ass platform booted poly blenders from the 70's are back together fer the 1st time in over 35 years...with the release of 2 new songs that they will perform...(calm nipples down kittens and don't pull out the glue gun and bell bottomed jumper just yet) cuz they'll be perform'n live and all...but via a hologram...later this year...about the same time that jolly ol fat ass starts rack'n up all those frequent flier miles...with a tv production produced by BBC and NBC

even though i never got to experience them the 1st time around beyond our trusty ol' SONY AMPEX 8 track tape mono surround sound system...since i was but a mere pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own platformed universe durin' the...

70's BUTT...

this "DANCING QUEEN"

is send'n out an "S.O.S"...hope'n they'll...

"GIMME GIMME GIMME (a man after midnight)"

when i make it to "WATERLOO"

now get off my dress!

OH SHIT!!!!

with the recent pain in the A double snakes i've hadda deal with in regards to my automotive shitbox shitmobile and shitbox...it's not really all that bad

lemme tell you about an insanity story that began one morn'n a while back

wake'n up from a debaucherous nite one weekend ...after flush'n my dignity down the drain...to a slashed tire...though i was a bit pissed...eh!...what'dya do but get it take'n care of...right?

i called my on again...off again...back on again...but soooo gonna be off again by the time this story would come to an end i'm sure...pain in the A

double snake hole drunktard friend…lett'n him know i'd be unable to pick him up cart his drunk A double snakes around all day...well...cuz my tire got in a scuffle with Freddy Krueger apparently in the middle of the nite...so he'd have find another mode of transportation idiot to put up with him fer the day

as i'm waste'n my breath on the phone try'n to decipher his gibberish while gett'n dressed...i smell the fresh scent of highly toxic molten plastic come'n

from my air conditioner even though it wasn't on...hmmm?...i immediately pulled my Angela Lansbury cap off the shelf and decided to do a lil investigate'n and ran outside my garden apartment shitbox...i mean my quaint lil shitbox...only to notice a sleep'n bag on fire on the car next to mine...

i'm think'n...is it already that time of year fer the annual sacrificial sleep'n bag to the park'n lot gods?...huh...i never got the memo it had been bumped up cuz i seriously thought that it wasn't fer a few more months

i went back inside to call my friend back to keep him abreast of the situation

no more than roughly 3 minutes goes by and there'd be a loud knock on my window by the air conditioner...i'm think'n...DAMMIT!!...were the park'n lot gods not pleased with the sacrificial offer'n they'd just received?

 

so i threw back on my Angela Lansbury cap and decided to have a lil one on one exclusive sit down with the park'n lot gods about interrupt'n my day...but couldn't cuz now my back door (and i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes) was smothered in a cloud of black smoke

WOW!!...did the sleep'n bag give the gods indigestion?...or did i just wake up from a bad dream…in somewhere land over the far right side of the rainbow…and actually live in war torn Iraq which was now under attack by insurgents?

i heard people shuffle'n around on the 3rd floor...so i threw on my burka...

 by that...i mean...my over sized "FRANKIE SAYS RELAX" 100% cotton tee...cinched it with an under stated gold lame belt and slipped into some beige brooks brothers flip flops…and raced up the steps to find the crowd gather'n around the window...look'n in awe at the stone'n below…i mean…smoke'n below...

from a car now engulfed in flames...roughly 10 feet from my shitbox on wheels barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer and directly in front of my shitbox palace window

a lone fire truck enters the park'n lot within seconds...

and i'm reminded...wait...it's almost time fer the annual firemen's ball…must remember to go shopp'n fer somethin sassy and sheer
 (but back to the insanity)

at this point...i'm a lil nerved out (cuz most of the gathered residents are apparently not friends with mr. under arm deodorizer...like me)…and race back into my place fer fresher air and try and figer out what i had to do?

save my priceless cd/dvd collection?...my 80's musical performer'n doll collection that i'm just die'n to have a tea party with some lucky geek from SCRUFF one of these days (and yes i'm not ashamed that i actually admit to own'n ALL of these...

(come on kittens... porn is sooo 1990's after all)
my incredibly insane platform collection?...or my oddly bizarre metal lunchbox collection?

hmmm decisions…decisions...by now the fresh air in my shitbox was now consumed by the smoke pour'n it's way threw my air condition'n system

i went thru this once before in my lifetime...don't think i really wanna rehash those memories again...so i quickly ran outside as fast as i could...only to be greeted by 5 hulky fireman...(talk about a mentos moment)...so glad i had a hidden altoid in my pocket

 (well actually only 4...one was with mullet...a bit mannish...with a hint of patchouli oils...that’s all i'm say'n)

my landlord asked me if i had seen anything strange this morn'n...hmmm?

besides a slashed tire...have'n my fresh air consumed by toxic non breathable air...well cuz of the ritual bathers on the 3rd floor…and a pillow of smoke now pillage'n my palace of eBay auctions and fine collectibles...no...everything seems just peachy

what i figered was just a total random fight between Freddy and my tire...

now my landlord decides to put on his Perry Mason blouse and grill me on the witness stand in the park'n lot...ask'n if i had pissed anyone off…(by not gett'n them off) cuz…apparently to him…i should know how homo's can be haters when ya don't call them back...(i was gonna suggest he redirect his anger towards his mother) but i wasn't in the mood fer a piece of paranoia cake that early in the morn'n…my shitbox was bein' molested by chemically enhanced toxic smoke...so i let it go

shortly there after…as the smoke and firefighters faded into the mist…

a hot red headed 20 somethin' emerged from the back door look'n a bit frazzled…and speak'n in a strong "a dingo ate ma baby" accent…helped solve the mystery of the insanity that i witnessed that morn'n

so i guess crocodile dunce-dee was cook'n a pizza that caught on fire…

and instead of throw'n water on the flame'n pizza...apparently in the land deown unda...they try and smother it out with a sleep'n bag that they use as their bed...not realize'n that the situation may become combustable...so he did what any tweeked out twat would do and ran the sleep'n bag to the other end of the build'n to throw it out the 3rd floor window...and sparks from the sleep’n bag ignite his car on fire

oh PUHLEEEEEEEEEZ!

after chomp'n into yer hot pocket too quickly after take'n a toke from yer smurf bong...the pizza sauce had infused itself onto the roof of yer mouth...you unscrewed yer pipe and started swish'n yer mouth out with bong water to cool the burn...then accidentally knocked over said bong and an lonely ember rolled onto yer sleep'n bag cause'n the flames to start...and you were too fried outta yer mind to think rationally...so you ran it thru the hallways to hide the evidence just in case the deportation police were called in cuz you fergot to renew yer green card...then you tossed it out the window...and that's how the damn chaos started!

though...i still never did figer out how my tired got slashed...eh!...oh well

get off my dress!

a phoenix to the flamers!

i am so over the fuck'n moon fer the titillate'n and triumphant return of thee

brilliantly hysterical hysterectomy hilarities of one MISS KATHY FUCK'N GRIFFIN (F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!) this june 26th @ her SOLD THE FUCK OUT SHOW in under 24 hrs @ Carnegie hall in the Big Apple...i of course will be gett'n devirginized..via the Carnegie...fer the very 1st time (and trust me...it's been years since i can say that without bust'n out laugh'n)...but there's plenty of opportunities to catch her at other selected dates around the country and scattered across the border...

SO CLICK THE FUCK RIGHT HERE ALREADY FER TIX FER FUCKS SAKE!

those boxes of wine fer Maggie ain't gonna pay fer themselves!

ps...this is a non paid endorsement...but since i wasted...like a perfectly good regrettable SCRUFF hook up...(true story) MISS K YOU OWE ME BIG fer this!...perhaps you can possibly hook me up with one of yer trained lonely monkeys when i cum to town (insert wink wink here) i'm just say'n...can ya help an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe out pleez? cuz i'm have'n one helluva time try'n a find a reasonably rated roach motel to lay my supple and oh so plump A double snakes on that won't break my piggy bank

BUTT lets back it up a bit...shall we kittens?

i have been O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D with this sassy lil firecracker ever since... 

her epic on screen debut as one of MEDUSA's backup dancer's...who was told not to go complain'n to a lawyer about accept'n a pay cut...cuz of the yen conversion rate...in the equally epic non academy award winn'n film "DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"

but MISS K really broke out as a woman to be reckoned with...play'n VICKI GROENER...co-worker to that Gloria Vanderbilt jeans model chick (whatever her name is from the 80's) in the 90's...on the hit show "SUDDENLY SUSAN"...that i'm still wait'n patiently to purchase on dvd so i got some quality tv to reminisce on while they're serve'n me jell-o in the home 3 times a day

of course who can ferget her emmy award winn'n reality show "MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST"...

her NY Times #1 best sellers (i have both MISS K...just say'n)

hold'n the guinness book of world records with thee most tv nominated stand up specials by a woman...

thee best new years hostess with the mostess...by far...(that's NOT an opinion...that's A FACT JACK!) on CNN...with endless tours around the globe fer eons...ALL ON HER VERY OWN terms without the help from the Weinstein's of the world...THAT IS....

until it came to an unwarranted shit storm from our mentally deranged piece of pig shit #45 currently disgrace'n the oval orifice and use'n the constitution as his own personal ass wipe...along with his band of pied piper brain dead lobotomized CASPER crusaders that decided to put a hollyweird hit out on her career...ALL BECUZ OF HER 1ST AMENDMENT RIGHT as a genius comedienne...dripp'n in A-1 barbecue sauce

and to add high choleric salt to the already hemorrhage'n wound known has her livelihood...pig shit #45 used the power of the white house...FAUX SNOOZE and his alt right dipshits by putt'n her on a no fly list and detained from airport to airport

well...MISS K is back with a vengeance with her beyond brilliant portrayal of helter skeletor Kelly Anne Conned-Her-Way-In on Comedy Centrals "PRESIDENT'S SHOW"

you know the one i'm talk'n about....that cracked out scarecrow and spokes model fer that horrible horrible tragedy...don'tcha remember?

and she is done zipp'n her lip and apologize'n to ALL the haters and skaters from her illustrious career...and i fer one can't wait to ride this wave...so get yer tix to see MISS K in her "LAUGH YOUR HEAD OFF" world tour today...cuz they're sell'n faster than the press secretary Sanders spins at her press brief'ns

and get off my dress!

oh yea...before i go...side note...

though it's already a #1 best seller on our pig shit #45's arch nemesis's website...order yer copy today...urine fer a treat!

and go see KATHY!...why not!

disenchanted granted!

who ever said ALL fairy tales are suppose to have happy end'ns..

are full of himalayan pig shit!...so there i was...on my 1st non pressurized...non sexualized date in roughly 2 years...with 3 months of back and forth chitter chatter about everything...well about everything EXCEPT sex...(which mind you...i have absolutely ZERO prob doin still...my junk still works without any pharmaceutical magically delicious blue pills) but it was just nice...i decided to pick him up in my pinto blow-about...barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer one day after work...and the 1st thing he has to say after make'n me sit and wait 10 minutes fer his supply bubbly A double snakes (hey i'm no Helen Keller) to stop look'n thru his binoculars to see if i really was worth the elevator ride down from his boudoirs...and says "hmmm...yer wear'n rainbow colored gloves?"

well...i'll just let you imagine how this fairytale played out on yer very own

so the follow'n day i decided to take myself on a much long awaited date...with MEEEEE...and said to myself...i said self...keep yer hands where i can see em...and no patty cake'n when we get home

i decided to find myself in the 3rd row at the fabulous Cyndi Lauper/Harvey Fiernstein musical on the close'n nite in St Paul MN...all was goin absolutely magical...THAT IS...until right before the 1st intermission...with one song left to go and the lead hottie...Charlie...that i swore was sing'n directly to MEEEEE durin' the entire performance...well cuz we were gonna run off to Switzerland and raise mongolain whistle children from the Madonna Malawi collection...collapsed on stage!

i was mortified...was it cuz of the reflection from my CUNT cap that i recently purchased in boystown...that was highly recommended to me by these 2 KD Lang...card carry'n home depot lezbitronix shopp'n next to me...that blinded my future ferry-tale to fall so helplessly on stage in front of hundreds and be carried off by 2 equally yummilicious stage hands?

i thought...OH WELL...ain't this just a crock a shit of a weekend all around!

so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around...and researched how all those fairy tales i read about as a small...but highly influential...pre internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...made me believe everything was gonna turn out all rainbows and unicorns when i grew up...W-E-L-L...turns out...it never really worked out like we thought fer anyone in those stories

they're were ALL full of shit!...like fer instance...

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...

try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that hole...into a crazy and wonderful world that consisted of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....

years later...would end up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a complete lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross the border back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...

who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and would also help clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...

Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet...well young Red had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master in a pissed stained holly hobby gown and snapped goin' all ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol' hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about the raven haired...

 beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...

but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen

who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...

and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...

yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!