KNOCK'N ON CASPER'S DOOR

with the current political hot potatoe parade heat'n up with just under a week and half to go before we will H-O-P-E-F-U-L-L-Y return to a some

what of a sensible sustainable sub normal life once again that we haven't had the pleasure to bask in thanx mostly due to that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt lie'n bloated orange dusted anal warted sack of self-absorbed senile shit fer brains with the cottage cheese whizzed A-double snakes and his fly'n off the handle lobotomized brain dead fucktards who've been lick’n the light sockets alot longer than they should've

all the gloves have come off on both sides...we've lost our democracy...

we've lost our common decency...and quite frankly...we've lost our fuck'n minds these past 4 years!

unfortunately...that isn't the only thing that we've lost...we've also lost

some of our most beloved political and popular entertainment treasures this past year thanx to that party pooper and dancer of the darkside...so here's a list of the top 13 top unlucky but downright influential losses who put on their tapp'n shoes fer the last time

the most hard hit one bein the woman who paved the way fer decency 

and democracy ever since she was elected to the highest court in the land by PRESIDENT CLINTON...quoted as say'n "you can disagree without being disagreeable" RUTH BADER GINSBURG bid us adieu on sept 18th

as the longest last'n lassy on this list who made it to the tender age of 104...starr'n in no less than 50 famous and not so famous flicks...OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND is best known as the southern charmer in the epic master piece of 1939 "GONE WITH THE WIND" where she recieved her 1st best support'n actress nomination...waved her final goodbye on july 26th

as one of the co-found'n brothers of the super group VAN HALEN...EDWARD LODEWIJK VAN HALEN simply known as EDDIE VAN HALEN to the rest of the world was a riff god who most didn't realize was the genius behind the guitar break in MICHAEL JACKSON'S "BEAT IT" left us far too soon on oct 6th

baby boomers lost their bloomers when they heard about one of their saccrinated childhood idols who appeared on the very 1st episode of "THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB" as one of the original mousketeers from 1955-1956...BONNIE LOU KERN lived a fruitful life until she moved on to the other side on sept 28th

nicknamed the inovator...originator...and the arcitect of rock'n'roll...RICHARD WAYNE PENNIMAN christened LITTLE RICHARD in the 50's was the unforgettable force behind such toe tappers like "TUTTI FRUTTI" and "GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY" to name a few from his laundry list of hits...he kicked up his heels fer the last time on may 9th

in every office there's always that one gal in the type'n pool that's a bit of a bitter cocktail connoisseur and no one played the role to perfection better than PEGGY POPE from the hit chick flick comedy  "9 TO 5" in 1980 who muttered those famous tispy words "ATTA GIRL" Peggy passed away on may 27th

born PATRICIA EVA POINTER as one of the trio of sisters in the super group POINTER SISTERS BONNIE POINTER enjoyed a string of sultry slow jams like "FIRE" and "SLOW HAND" to high octane hits like "JUMP (FOR MY LOVE)" and "NEUTRON DANCE" among many many other hits thru-out the 70's and 80's... BONNIE unfortunately had enough and left the group and the galaxy on june 28th

with his military background and chiseled good looks...what girl or girly boy didn't swoon over Princess Diana's boss STEVE TREVOR in the 70's i ask you? verteran actor of both the big and small screens...LYLE WAGGONER was best known fer starr'n opposite LYNDA CARTER in the super delicious super hero series "WONDER WOMAN" from 1975-1979...LYLE left the build'n on st patty's day march 17th

best known fer her roar'n female empowerment anthem "I AM WOMAN" HELEN REDDY was a sweet force to be reckoned with durin' the 1970's with a string of other mellow dramatic melodies like "DELTA DAWN" and "ANGIE BABY" but HELEN sang her last tune on sept 29th

as the youngest celeb on the grim reaper's list...CHADWICK BOSEMAN killed the superhero competition by starr'n in the highest gross'n film of 2018...portray'n the leader T'CHALLA from Wakanda, Africa in "BLACK PANTHER" which would put him on the map as one of the most influential people of 2018...CHADWICK would appear in 2 more AVENGERS movies before he would secretly pass away on aug 28th

as one of the most memorable BOND girls in history...HONOR BLACKMAN portrayed the sexy seductive PUSSY GALORE in the 1964 film "GOLDFINGER" after bein spotted portray'n CATHY GALE in the british series "THE AVENGERS" durin' the 60's...HONOR would also record an album titled "EVERYTHING I'VE GOT" sadly PUSSY GALORE was no more on april 5th

the "COWARD OF THE COUNTY" he was not...with his silvery grey grizzly adams good looks  KENNY ROGERS knew how to turn out a tune with his raspy vocals as one of the best sell'n male country crooners of the 70's and the 80's with hits like the black jack addiction anthem "THE GAMBLER" to the kicked to the curb whiner "LUCILLE" and the perfectly pitched vommitous butterfly duet with DOLLY PARTON "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM" KENNY decided to call it quits on march 20th

as MIRANDA HOBBS totally loveable house keeper MAGDA on the smash hit series "SEX AND THE CITY" who famously uttered "it's good for woman to make pies" in her best thick eastern european accent...LYNN COHEN began her career off broadway in the 1970's and most noteably in film durin' the 90's starr'n in "MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY" and then as judge Elizabeth Mizener in the NBC drama "LAW AND ORDER" from 1993 -2006 but became an instant fan fav-o-rit when she finally landed the coveted role on the SATC series and both movies that followed...LYNN would pass away quietly on valentines day feb 14th

***☠️BREAK’N NEWZ☠️***

the damn decrepit Reaper hadda invite one more dinner guest to his hweenie party...& of ALL fuck’n days...thanx alot asshole...so long 007

we can all only hope that the sadistic GOP will follow suit on nov 3rd

along with their mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt lie'n bloated orange dusted anal warted sack of self-absorbed senile shit fer brains with the cottage cheese whizzed A-double snakes...so get out and vote em out!

on a total off the wall plausibly plugged sideways note...since the hweenie

season is virtually cancelled this year...why not give a virtual treat to those tricksters in yer neighborhood this hallowed season with a ticket to the hottest virtual global concert of the year starr'n BOY GEORGE & CULTURE CLUB @ THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL...tix on sale fri oct 30th 10 am GMT (that's greenwich mean time fer those crochet'n their pubes try'na figer it out) click here to get yers

happy trick or treat kittens...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

SOMETHIN’ WRONG IN MY HOUSE

picture it kittens...the year was 1987 and glamorously gothical lead singer

PETE BURNS of the british pop rock band “DEAD OR ALIVE” was just a ghost with a long long dead affair runn’n up on my stairs with their spooktacular hit “SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE”

reflect'n back at my laundry list of relationships over the past 30 years

most of them read like a kaleidoscopic house of horrors...though trust me...i was more than happy to enter...that is until the i seen the exit sign and would rarely ever want to return fer another walk thru again 

(rarely bein' the opperative word)

i remember the 1st house i ever enter at 26 in '96...that made me feel like 

it was the very 1st time (well...cuz it really was) just a random house outta the blue that i bought tickets to in LaCrosse WI when we met thru friends one nite at a bar...i was as pure and unplucked as Pat Priest in a snazzy pinafore ensemble and told him i hadda wait til i knew he knew i was "the one" and 3 months later he would carve me out and lit me up like a jack-off-latern...unfortunately...

it would only take him a full 24 hrs later before he had tossed me out like it was nov.1st when we agreed to meet at the club the follow'n nite where i was gonna be promote'n my show

that set the bar fer ALL fantastically future fun houses of failures of course!

the next was the house of iris's that i entered roughly a year or so later... 

we were both completely hypnotized by each others eyes...i can recall after meet'n on a simple hook-up on the phone lines one lazy sunny afternoon...he complimented me on my gorgeous steel grey eyes...i was a sucker fer his seafoam greenish blue eyes of course...only to find out a month later after spend'n the nite together at his place that we were both wear'n the ever popular color contacts...of course a couple months into him i started to hear spook stories ever since he came over beyond late one nite tell'n me he hadda "comfort" a friend cuz their fav soap star had just bit the dust...

believe'n it hook...line and the electronic sinker he had glued to his hand and read like a magic 8 ball...he would go ape shit look'n fer his pager one day after i had hid it in his roomies couch cuz i finally figered what it was for and he slammed the door on our barely there relationship the same day i lost my job...my stage performances and my BFF at the time to a dreaded disease...finish'n it by tell'n me he wasn't stay'n just cuz she died (charm'n huh!)

a 3 1/2 year hiatus...i decided to enter the house of complete narcissism 

by the time i’d turned 30 that would last the longest at roughly 4 1/2 years after just meet'n fer some frivilous frolick'n one fall weekend...he was my HEMAN and he affectionately referred to me as his "wonderboy" (not becuz of our 18 1/2 year difference...and trust me...that half always counts) it's cuz he always wondered what surprise i had in store fer him...though his wander'n eye made me wonder why i stayed in it as long as i had...

the next 2 that followed...followed the same pattern as the previous pickle i was in and plaid was never a good look on me so i decided to break that sordid spell with a twitch of my nose...though sad to say...my twitcher was in desperate need of tweek'n 

by the time i hit my fabu-less than fortunate 40's... i ended up in the house

 of narcotics...i felt like i was goldicocks fall'n fer the 3 meth headed hairless bears (hey...i'm no judgemental judy...we've ALL made mistakes in life...just learn from em!) the 1st was too manipulative and cold...the 2nd was too hot and needy but the last one literally seemed just right and i knew i didn't want him fer just "right now" fer some reason...it was the 1st time i had ever had someone show me that much affection and restraint at the same time in a long time... 

and i was smitten like an infatuated zombie kitten...kitten

he had me doin things that my ghostly white flesh most certainly would'a 

disregarded if ANYONE else had requested it...from walk'n around the lakes under the blister'n hot sun parasol free to toss'n a fribee in a tee in the park to hold'n hands with no worries in the dark

he had begged me not to leave town to Orprahville a month in...but as 

adorable as he was want'n me to stay...i explained that i had already booked the mini vaca 2 months prior before we ever met and i was only goin there to try and win free tix to the QUEEN's latest show though he had the option to call or text anytime he felt inclined to...i even offered him to come with me...

but apparently his parole board wouldn’t let him leave the state fer 5 years...it was actually nice to feel someone need'n me that much to be honest that i almost was gonna cancel my trip once i made my way thru the complimentary security gates pat down...ALMOST!

2 days later i would return home after have'n an annoy'n time and with no

 winn'n M tix in hand but beyond ecstatic to see him again...however...suddenly i felt the winds of change in the air between us...though i decided to throw caution to the non communicative wind and played the proverbial game of "WTF?" fer a few more weeks until i needed the unanswered...finally answered...

so after play'n text tag back and forth we decided to take what i knew was the gonna be the final walk around the lake after he told me to meet him there even though he reluctantly decided to pick me up after much of my persistent persuasion

after the painful walk around the lake talk'n about nothing relevent at all

i was gifted with the tired worn out "we'll still do stuff together" passage from the book of "how to feel guilt free and still full of shit fer dummies" cuz i've heard that worn out dance tune from the past 2 meth heads...apparently this was just one of those 12 bitter steps in recovery...how to be an asshole without even try'n

after replay'n where it all went wrong in my head fer roughly far too long

than i ever had with anyone in the past...i arose from my coffin after a rough week and had to see if it was worth pursuing any further so i decided to contact a real professional fer some real cosmic advice

after hunt'n down a pinch of bat wing...some spicy hamburger helper and 

a remnant of somethin' that belonged to him personally (luckily i still had that underwear i had ripped off him a month earlier...umm FYI...don't ask!) the spell was cast and i was given specific instructions to say a few poetic phrases out loud to myself in private and light a candle then proceed to watch as it flickered and flailed until it burnt out completely on it's very own

any reputable psychologist or 3rd grader fer that matter...would'a thought

that i had gone completely batshit insane...try'n to cast a spell on some long lost dead affair...but there i was plastered on my couch... 

like an overindulgent display of some haplessness slug monster with the tv on mute literally watch'n the flames of my sanity flicker back and forth...dread'n to leave the live'n room in fear that i might miss the flame go out so no matter where i went in my quaint little shitbox...

even when mother nature came a call'n...that damn candle would be right by my side...

until it finally bid me adieu 1 1/2 days later

oddly enough...i would recieve a text from him on the follow'n day...

so i guess said spell had indeed done it's intended purpose...but really...was it all  worth it in the end? it wasn't as if it was some sorta affirmation of affection fer me...just a simple non sentimental handout that somehow still had me think'n there was some sorta hope fer even a simple meaningless friendship like he said...but i figered as time went on...i was worth a helluva lot more than putt'n myself thru yet another candle in the wind...cuz really...in the end...hadn’t i been burned enough?

besides...i've always believed in karmic chameleon retribution

i do not wish him any harm nor do i wish him any of my best

i’m in my prime so simply put...just GET OFF MY DRESS!

the ORANGE crushed!

double double toil and trouble...fire burn and caldron bubbble

fillet of a fenny snake...in the caldron boil and bake

eye of newt and toe of frog...wool of bat and tongue of dog

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting...lizard's leg and howlet's wing

for a charm of powerful trouble...like a hell-broth boil and bubble

so about a week prior i hadda put in an order with this specialty doc..

in a long black point hat down the street from me...along with send'n a stamped letter to do my part in keep'n the postal system from goin bankrupt...to that that ol' fat ass in the red suit and doc martin boots and figered maybe he decided to gimme my xmas prezzie early...who knows at this point who got my message first so i personally don't know who to thank...maybe it's both perhaps? (since we worked under code names and all) 

BUTT...either case...i'm happier than a priest on a playground

of course i'm referr'n to thee most vomitous yet appropriately delicious

tweet heard around the world by that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shit and PUTIN's personal cavernous bottom bitch

only to be released 3 fuck'n days later...and we (the public) are to believe

the scripted bile vommited from his charade parde of stepford doctors that his health is in tip top perfect order...apparently a 74 year old bloated calorically overloaded colostomitic infused cardiac arrest who didn't have to pay a fuck'n damn dime thanx to his taxpayer funded healthcare is in better shape than the 220,000+

though i personally was glad he pulled thru...only cuz i wanna see him

do the sugar shuffle down the prep walk carpet in a dingy orange jumper and shitty shackles as KATHY GRIFFIN...dressed in a tasty LACROIX number of course...interviews him before he enters Leavenworth prison to use in her next sold out world tour

instantly...the first song that ran thru my cerebral cortex was that sappy

sour patched kiddie break-up ballad by Billy's daughter "WRECK'N BALL" that i was personally never a big fan of anyways...

SINEAD was much more effective back in our days fer those razor blade break-up moments

then i remembered homo hottie ELI LIEB's cover of "WRECKING BALL" and picked up the rusted razor blade and fell back in love with the song after all

though the only thing i seriously related to the current tragedy we're face'n

and this song...was in the title alone...thanx to this pic my x VP of my fan club sent me the other nite...my twisted mind went into overdrive as i feverishly gulped a gallon of plum redbull and was burn'n the midnite oil til the wee hours of the morn'n rewrite'n sadistic lyrics from the demented orange anal wart's prespective... 

with the one and only drag superstar SHERRY VINE or Mtv's hot lil henna haired JULIE BROWN who i could C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y hear breath'n life into it...so i wrote them both seperately and left it at that...cross yer fingers kittens...i give you my master piece:

feel free to record yer own version or perform it live at yer next zoom crapoke session!

if that's not enough to make you wanna turn yer innerds into outtards...

now some lobotomized fucktwat at the unofficial WH gift shop is take'n pre-orders fer a "commemerative" tin cup gold spray painted coin fer $100 with the inscription say'n "the mentally deranged orange anal wart beat covid" (i'm paraphrase'n of course) 

how i do wish the Sarlacc Pit on the planet of Tatooine was an actual real 

destination to book a flight to...i would love to bare witness to Miss Pelosi push'n his mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shitted delapidated A double snakes into it's belly...with C-3PO recite'n his famous last words that he spoke to Han and Luke aboard Jabba's sail barge...

"you will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the Pit of Carkoon...the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc...in his belly...you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a 1000 years"

but that's just me hopelessly day dream'n...now go out and cast yer vote 

and GET OFF MY DRESS!