BURIED TREASURES

with the gift give'n season now incomplete no thanx to that the jolly

diabetic fat ass with the overly active "glandular issues" completely miss'n his mission this year cuz he was apparently arrested by some uncover cop with tinsel down around his ankles toe tapp'n at some local Barnes and Noble restroom just cuz he got his booster shot...well…you have every right to read this dandy dickbubble to death...HOWEVER...if yer still think'n of the perfect gift to give this season...fer some strange reason...to get off yer loved ones shit list why not try some literary pieces of art fer that special someone on yer shit list...

or that not so special fucktard who can barely make it thru read'n the directions on a box of jell-o before they have a nervous break down

there's been many stories that have turned into motion pictures fer the small screen...and eliminated that waste of space fer that need to read...

fer example...holiday classic's like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...Frosty the Snowman...or this heart warm'n holiglazed classic...that will warm the hearts of millions of those unfortunate privileged fucks...to finally get their side of the story told on film...

 this is the untold story of what really goes on in the north pole...after ol' Saint Nick has spent years runn'n a sweat shop of hard work'n ungrateful elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline and loose'n his looks to his waistline...the misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing he wants as a reward is a plate full of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice so he foregoes the WIC programmers and opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches and a low ball of cherry infused bourbon served by a lady of the nite...to drop his low balls onto

but  if yer literally look'n fer last minute literary words of wisdom without all that holiglazed cheer fer that special queer to read anytime of the year...
perhaps you might wanna choose one of these top 8 classics i found

clean'n out my closet that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor in the near future...are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up is the total inspiration fer "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Pamela Anderson's "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one hot summer 

the story of Izzy Bigg and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert  as the bashful Izzy and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE of course

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

well DUH!...this tells the tale of a mid centuried manolo blanik hoarder wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's high roll’n financier 

starr'n SATC starlette SJP as the internally scorned insecure second wife wife look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...and "alledged" serial horny toad (i am NOT the court system nor will i put on my judgemental judy blouse without know'n all the facts) Chris Noth as the mysteriously delicious financier with a taste fer bubble baths and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the sexually starved sales manager Bernice at Manola Blanik's outlet mall

BUTT wait…betta take a breather…we’re only half way in…

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to another sequel in this trilogy of tittilate'n terror and intrigue

starr'n hot to trot blued eyed colostomy bagger Matt Boomer who's passions are antiquities and ancestory.com and pipe smoke'n colostomy bag and lord of his ring Sir Ian McKellen

fer those on the DL that are desire'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...Augustus ends up in Harlem and meets the man called Razer Blade who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n Seth Rogen as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Morgan Freeman as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife if Augustus doesn't get the job done

then there's this hidden litteral literary gem of a complete master piece

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher boy but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party as 5 floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata 

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the original cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (cuz i wanna vomit whenever i seen their freshman replacements) as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders

oh wow...i almost fergot about my all-time fav-o-rit salaciously delish read

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

well...hope i helped ya out with some terrific read's fer the new year...

hear's hope'n you got exactly what's cumm'n to ya in 2022

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

SNOW FLAKERS

so there i was awake'n...the week of xmas...with my x-lax & a mess...

 and me in my dress...fergett'n the stress...but let me digress

i scrolled thru my feed...to read the lastest read...

but the only thing interest'n...was the LADY BUNNY in need

she started a very cute poem...quite funny i had thought...

but she needed a dramatic end'n...that couldn't be bought

so without any ado...and without all that glittered glamour...

 i ironed out my poetic thoughts...i only hoped it wouldn't damn her

"TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS"

a poem by LADY BUNNY

 **with additional help by

thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...
KRYSTAL KLEER

'Twas the night after Christmas
And all through my "house"
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Cuz that mouse smelled dead
But no corpse could I find
I checked on my gerbil
It was in my behind.
I'm not a troll
Who lives under a bridge
But the last mouse I found
Was inside of my fridge...

(**insert KRYSTAL KLEER's response here) 

i named her Peetrinella

the cutest lil fellow 

a christmas surprise
now frozen in my jello

 
i shrieked when i saw him

float'n still amongst the berries

"i can't serve this to my guests" i thought
"they're a bunch of non heterosexual wannabe vegan mary's"

i tossed and i turned
then i thought it would be hilarious

i'll spread on some whipped cream
and serve it to Joey Arias

she stole my spotlight
that year in Christmas with the Crawford's

that low down dirty cunt
looked more like some dirty paw turds

one by one
my posse would arrive

 
my apartment smelt like Auschwitz
where barely anyone survived

i lit all my pine candles
and febreezed my place like hell

i had to do somethin quick
to cover that deadly smell

first in came Miss Jackie Beat...

next up was Miss CoCo Peru...

Lypsinka looked absolutely smash'n...

unfortunately so did Miss Ru

then all of a sudden i remembered
"where in the hell is that santa stripper named Leo?"

of course who shows up without an invite...
but that fuck'n talentless twat Bianca Del Rio

everyone i could think of
had made it thru my door

"hmmm" i thought "am i miss'n anyone?"
then in walks Miss AMANDA LEPORE

my shitbox was now too full
all my lil MUNSTERS unMAC'd...look'n like a Herman

i knew i couldn't fit anymore
so i canceled the uber i sent fer VARLA JEAN MERMAN

i summoned my helper
to serve my guests more wine

and much to their amusement
it was none other than Miss SHERRY VINE

then finally Miss Arias arrived
from craigslist he found this fellow

 
oh...i could barely contain myself
i couldn't wait to serve Joey my jello

we all sipped on cocktails
while Miss Beat sipped her carrot juice

then Joey's man introduced himself
he said ''hi...my name is Bruce''

i told all my cheap guests who didn't bother to bring me a gift
to get their tired asses in a circle and put down their wine

then i pulled out my rusty dusty ouija board
and decided to conjour up the one and only DIVINE

then we all sat down fer dinner
i sat next to Bruce

they all loved my cook'n
well...except for maybe the goose

the time it had come
to open all the presents

but i hadn't served dessert yet
to all my famous pheasants

i topped off their glasses
i thought i'd be nice

 
then i dished out the jello
and gave Joey the first slice

she poked and she prodded
til Peetrinella's tail fell out

she freaked and she screamed
i said ''Joey...it's Christmas...pleez don't shout!''

''there's a dead mouse in my jello''
as i heard her exclaim

paybacks a bitch ain't it
she's got no one to blame

Joey leaped from her chair
and ran out of my house

all because she was served my jello
with a dead gelatinous mouse

the moral of this story is
and i hate to be so blunt

i am the LADY BUNNY
so don't fuck with me cunt!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!