the BIG ROTTEN APPLE pt. 2

last week on GET OFF MY DRESS

waid'a'minute!...recap it yerself lazy...ain't nobody got time fer that!

and now...the nasal drip conclusion of "the BIG ROTTEN APPLE"

after gett'n the text for directions to Jackson's...i hopped in the 1st cab i could and as i made my way thru the concrete jungle of the BIG APPLE...

i was sweat'n like a priest on the playground...

a short ride later i made my way to the pizza joint next to Jackson's...

in Hell's Kitchen

and much to my surprise that i invented in my head earlier...thankfully...there was no peg legged guy humm'n "like a bridge over troubled waters"...

although ASIA'S "heat of the moment" would've been acceptable

as i was buzzed into Jackson's lair...and made way up the stairs...i was glad i got in my work-out the nite before and  left my manolo's at home...as he was on the top floor of the non elevated build'n...cuz i was carry'n a bag of dramarama and my get-away closet just to get to my final destination

but i didn't care...i was in New York again...after a 3 year hiatus...

and in desperate need to get my Carrie on

i opened the door and was greeted by a pile of black 4 legged fluffiness...

Truman (insert awwwww's here)

and his master...Jackson

 Mr. Jackson...if i'm nasty!

it was a relief to finally attach a physical body to all those eletronical notes after all this time...plus the 1st time i EVER flew to meet someone outta my comfort zone...that i've never met...and i wasn't dissapointed!

after the proverbial meditation and chatter...i marinated my...

supple and tender milky white skin...from head to toe in 1000% sun block and we took Truman and our tired asses out fer walk

the air was filled with the pungent fresh scent of urination and pizza sauce

and of course you can't be in the BIG APPLE and NOT take a stroll thru Central Park

after a jaunty lil stroll and play'n leap frog from tree shadow to tree shadow under the scorch'n sun...we decided our throats were in desperate need of refreshments in the form of alcohol...so off to a neighboorhood lezbitronic bar fer some quench'n cocktails to wet our whistles

shortly after our drunkfest...it was off to the East Village...

to one of my fav-o-rit stores...TRASH and VAUDVILLE

my hooves forgave me for wear'n them out and desperately deserved somethin' new...but unfortunately...my piggy bank wasn't as forgive'n...

so my lil piggy's cried why?why?WHY?...and went home empty hooved

later that eve'nin we met up with some of Jackson's friends...

at the 9th Avenue Saloon with a bunch of other non commital alchoholic non heterosexuals...who were ready to commited to the best they knew how...fer at least the next 60 minutes

arrive'n back home...i kicked off my heels...give'n my back a full range of motion...as recommended by marie clare magazine...and removed what lil make-up i was wear'n with my estee lauder make-up remover samples as my free gift without purchase from my good friend Christine

what i thought was just gonna be a breathier...ended up turn'n into a plethra of reality mush marathons til the wee hours of the morn'n...

i know what yer thinkn'n...sat nite?...NEW YORK CITY?...and i'm turn'n into a couch potatoe?...not by choice mind you...but i just go with the flow and didn't wanna rock any boats...as i was a guest after all...but it didn't REALLY put me off  THAT MUCH...really!...

i was start'n to feel like a worn out hooker on a holiday...minus of course...all the sweaty jack hammer action i'm used to when i'm on vacation

the follow'n day we tried gett'n our hands on tickets to see...

the 6 time Tony Award winn'n musical "KINKY BOOTS"

written by the brilliant Harvey Fierstein and the musical genius of Cyndi Lauper

unfortunately...we couldn't get any deals to the show so we ended up mindlessly just walk'n and shopp'n and decided to go see Star Trek 3D...

instead later in the day...as mother nature already planned on bake'n the city into crispy critters once again

the movie wouldn't start fer another 4 hours...so we took a detour...

to my friend Adrian's who was host'n a grill-out...at his shitbox in Harlem...

hey it's Harlem...it's wasn't heaven on 5th

he was a gracious host though...as was his roomies and a couple of their other friends that joined in...just a simple relax'n time with an old friend...

and new ones in the blister'n sun...and with free cocktails and nibbley's to boot...FINALLY...somethin' i could afford

a short time later it was off to the movie...

and outside the theater...can you believe it?...6 times to NY...and this was my very 1st dog

(that was edible fer consumption anyways)

we made it to the movie with seconds to spare...and with the price of $21.50...the movie was just that...an expensive nap...as my narcolepsy kicked into over drive pretty much as soon as the lights went down...

head'n home...i received a text from my long distance good friend...

or as good a as a long distance friend can be that you hadda pay to become friends with

(that was worth every penny )

 the one and only...SHERRY VINE

(well she was in cognito that nite as Keith)

ask'n me to join her at...

"THERAPY"

i was in desperate need to rub shoulders with the "who's who of the who's still breath'n on a sunday nite"...and figered i needed a lil therapy on the rocks myself...i said WHY NOT!...so i put on my cha cha heels

Jackson passed since he hadda work the next morn'n...but i was ready to tear up the town...or at best...at least put a dent in it!

tonite's festivities was hosted by none other than the hysterical...

RANDY RAINBOW and his co-hort in crime ROXY BROOKS

me and Sherry kicked off our heels and kicked back the cocktails...and had a good ole time in the BIG APPLE...play'n broadway bingo...golden girls trivia and what's that diva think'n?...i was always 1 or 2 punch holes away from gett'n my hole punched...

but i finally ended up winn'n in the "what's that diva think?" game

with the clock tick'n like a time bomb...i immidiately put my hand on the buzzer...that wasn't really there...and as Randy roamed thru the lush crowd...to our table...i answered "KRISTIN CHENOWETH?"...the crowd in my head went crazy with cheers as they jumped to their feet...and i graciously bowed to them over and over again

then i remembered...i was at a bar...not on BROADWAY...eh!...who cares... I WON!!!

so of course...think'n i had hit the state lotto that even'n...i wanted to buy the bar a round...and immediately book an appointment to cap my incisors that have been bug'n me fer years...but it turns out i hadda pick from the pile of crap left over from someone's garage sale...

so i opted fer the CARRIE musical soundtrack...eh...why not! a win is a win right?

as me and Sher (i feel we've bonded enough at this point to shorten her name) chugged our last pre coital...non sexual...non heterosexual cocktail...we made our way to the front door and across the street...only to be greeted by the jolly green giant empty'n his gigantor bladder upon our heads

since we're both were made of sugar...and didn't wanna melt...we quickly made it across the street to some awn'n to wait out the trenchel down pour...but after about 10 minutes of cower'n...we decided to pop into a bar next to us fer a breather...and by breather i mean intoxication in a glass

a short while later...Sherry braved the elements outside...while i braved the elements inside...and of course...bein' left to defend fer myself all alone...

it wouldn't take long before some toad with a hairlip...who just got of his shift at "meals on wheels"...to try and butter my incredibly tight bubble A double snakes with his unscoped breath...and though i don't wanna out him via photo in case you know...he was married or worse yet...a POLITICIAN...
suffice it to say...this guy couldn't get lucky with a bag of banana's at a monkey whore house...so i figered FINE...this'll be my charitable act of the week...but after a few free cocktails...he wasn't all that bad...sorta charm'n in a way

after about an hour i realized it was time fer me to turn into a pumpkin...

and turn my charitable act into a beautiful nightmare...so i said goodbye to Admiral Akbar...and hurried home to scrub my drunken concious clean

by morn'n...i felt like i could squeeze my brain out fer just enough to fill a martini glass...so while Jackson was at work...i feverishly worked on my blog due that day 

before i hadda meet my friendly non heterosexual stalker Michael...in SoHo...with some HoMo...fer nibbley's and intoxication

to me...food is food...and i could care less where i get it when on vacation...
but durin' this trip...less was more my style...so of course we ended up...

 at an all organic eatery called...ABC!

just cuz some famous "FRIENDS" star and her current squeeze were photographed there last week in some crappy paps rag apparently

but to be honest...i'da been more impressed if it were one or all the 4 members of  "WILL and GRACE" instead

although the joint was very crisp and clean in appearance...and did have that "look" about it...ya know...like where you would take a mistress you were bang'n and didn't want anyone to know about it...unless you tipped off the paps...but i could tell this place couldn't have been further from my EBT card lifestyle at the moment...and with all the white walls and non paper linen...

i felt like i should be bounce'n balls off the walls

i nearly needed a defibulator when i seen the menu...but zipped my lip and enjoyed the company the best way i knew how...by ignore'n them with mindless chatter about myself...

while very s-l-o-w-l-y sipp'n on a half assed bloody mary...which should'a been just called just a spicey blood clot it was so damn thick and miss'n too much intoxicational fluids

i had been in the joint fer over an hour and didn't spot ONE celebrity...

that is until i went into the restroom...and looked in the mirror...THANK CHER i showed up!

by the time the bill arrived...so did i...almost!...3 slices of leafy shreds on goat cheese with a basket of fries and a blood clot in a glass...$51?...(which really should been at least $20 less since i had figered out my portion) but my stalker's friend decided to split the bill evenly amongst us 3...which pretty much meant he hadn't received his EBT card in the mail yet...WHATEVER!

i already know what yer think'n lincoln...

time fer a potty/smokey treat break...this is unbelievable

but no worries...i swear it's almost over...

and i'm almost over YOU!

continue'n on...

i get it...it's new york...and if i can't open my mouth i get what i deserve...i should'a just stuck with my original plan and feed my soul...

at my 2nd all time fav-o-rit store...PATRICIA FIELDS

which i never found after gett'n lost in the under ground tunnels...so i just head'd home to wait fer Jackson

later that nite...i took Jackson out to some lil mexicana joint across the street to thank him fer his hospitality...and while we wait'n fer dinner...

i spotted NY staple...gossip guru Michael Musto...peddle'n thru the streets of Hell's Kitchen...cool!

after we finished...i told Jackson to come with on my last nite...

to see SHERRY VINE perform live at THERAPY...and trust me when i say...this gurl can TURN IT OUT...she's a total scream

and i don't mean that in a Freddrick Krueger kinda way

that nite was the priemere of Sherry's hit variety show...

SHE'S LIVING FOR THIS

across the bar i noticed the gossip guru again...

i wanted proof fer my friend Jess back home that we met...but with my dino cell and low light'n in the joint...i couldn't muster up enough energy to make my way thru the crowd to turn into some japanese tourist

Jackson didn't last that long as he had work in the morn'n...

i stayed til the end...but by morn'n i was ready to be back in the comforts of my Minne-Apple

even if there was no "Mr. Jackson if i'm nasty" senario's...mainly due to mother nature's insistance on turn'n up the heat...render'n my pollination processes inability to compete in the sweat olympics...

and though there was no huge Chuck Woolery moment between me and Jackson...i would definitely go on another date with him...i even invited him to the Minne-Apple to return the favor...but haven't reallly gotten a response...YET!

maybe we're were more like Mr. Big and Carrie circa season 3...

still try'n to figer the whole thing out...stay tuned!

now get off mydress

the BIG ROTTEN APPLE pt 1.

i love new york...you know i do...(how do you know this...i know yer ask'n yerself)...well...you'd be pretty stupid then...since i JUST told you!

so it had been 3 years since my last bite outta the BIG APPLE...and trust me...i was gett'n hungry!

i'd been chatt'n with this guy Jackson fer the better part of 2 years

no...not this one...i don't play with my ouiga board...anymore!

it would be random calls or texts from time to time...

play'n out like a game of ping pong of who's gonna visit who 1st

well i knew in my mind...i was gonna make the 1st move...since i always do...

cuz most "close encounters"  i've encountered over the years...are waaay to passive to keep me interested

plus i hadda wait til my piggy bank was ready to be butchered before i could go anywhere

so flash forward to a couple a weeks back...

when i was book'n my broomstick ride to the BIG APPLE

as always...i end up gett'n booked in the back of the plane...

this time next to some ancient chinese secret not in the right place...

and it was no SECRET...she wasn't BFF's with Mr. RIGHT GAURD either!

to my surprise...the jewardess on duty that day...

offered to bump my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist ass up to 1st class accommodations...i mean WHY NOT!

so i gave up my seat to madaam butterfly and scooted my A double snakes to where they ought to be! after all...i am a 1st class ass do have a 1st class ass!

as i made my way to the heaven's gates of the airplane...

i was greeted at the gates by some ape with an attitude who informed me i had to sit right behind 1st class...i was sooo close to 1st class fer the 1st time in my life...i could almost taste the ample leg room and complimentary cocktails

myself  bein' one who never really cared about all that really...i just wanted to get to my destination without any irritation and to my surprise...

a mutual stalker i barely know just happened to be enjoy'n the Robin Leechness of sitt'n in 1st class...and he spoke with the ape about bump'n me up 2 seats to his palatial arena

i mean come on!...we're about 10,000 feet in the air...it's not like anyone else was gonna come'n aboard anytime soon to buy the damn seat...

but ya know what...i get it...it's yer job...but maybe if some were just a lil bit more pleasant about deny'n access to "heaven" to a pay'n passenger...

after they were already granted a pass from another co-worker...Richard Reed would'a never tossed an attitude...i'm just say'n!

a minute later...the ape had summoned me to the very front of the plane...

and gave me a screwdriver

(though i'd rather have the driver to screw...hey...this is my story!)

then he flipped over the sands of time and said i only had 20 minutes left to live in the lap of luxury...then i would have to be banished back to bein' folded up like a suitcase

as i was chatt'n with my friendly stalker about mindless babble..we were rudely interruppted by some happy hour homo behind us...

look'n to feel important...or at the very least...tell his possee back home he gotta shoot the shit with thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illisionist of her own universe...i mean really...who wouldn't?

anyways...where was i?...oh yea...

so the bottle of Gin Mary behind us...consumed our space fer the next 20 minutes...which was fine...he was entertain'n the small masses of 4 in 1st class...make'n a complete ass outta himself...then suddenly...i hadda reliquish my throne (i didn't think ape was bein' serious) but why rock the boat...so back to my seat i went (which was seriously 2 seats away) and watched from afar...but at least i wasn't back in nose bleed city!

it was like a booze ballet...as Gin Mary leaped from seat to seat not so effortlessly...make'n friends the old fashion way...by force'n his drunk ass upon them...

the ladies and my stalker didn't seem to mind...that much...and it helped roll out this blog actually...but all i wanted to do was land at JFK and get my vaca on that i so desperately wanted and very much deserved

an hour later...as the booze ballet was gett'n it's final curtain call...i heard the muffled sounds of the cockpit inform'n everyone to get their trays in an upright position as we were gett'n ready to land into Laguardia (LGA)...
and though everyone else had followed instructions to a tee....

Gin Mary decided to do one more encore plie'...until the ape scolded him

but then it hit me...apparently...my dyslexia kicked into overdrive

LGA?...OMG!...WTF?...not JFK?

i had told Jackson i would be land'n at JFK and to meet me out there...so i scrambled to get my dino cell phone turned on immediately and tell him to...

well...by the time i had deplaned and walked outside of gate 2...Jackson said he was already wait'n  fer me at gate 8....OOPS!

mother nature was not cooperate'n either...as it was already over 90 degrees...with humidity as thick as H-E-double hockey sticks out...and needless to say...he was not a happy camper...but what ya gonna do right? (apparently LGA and JFK aren't next door neighbors...who knew?)

i told him i'd meet at him Grand Central...as i was search'n fer the train to GC...i was summoned by my stalker to help him babysit Gin Mary...who was now ready to book a room at the drunk tank hotel!

can you believe ALL this happened to me...BEFORE i got my vaca started? (well you'd have to be pretty stupid since i already told you it did...blow by blow...and unfortunately...i wasn't even a recipient of one yet) on the good side...this was like a prize at the bottom of my cracker jacks box...i had an even bigger blog story unfold'n before my eyes!

oh H-E-double hockey sticks no!...let the drunk fucker sleep it off with the rest of booze town i said...i'm off the clock...but then i folded as they promised me a car service to GC with them...

and who can't resist bein' carted around in style...so i broke down and played his other crutch thru the airport...and the fun never stopped!

and don't you hate when this happens...TO ME?

as we walked thru LGA hell...Gin Mary stumbled and fumbled his pirouette's thru-out the airport...gett'n anyone in his way...to pay attention to HIM...(a spotlight i am not accustomed to)...until he decided to take an intermission...
and "empty his tank" in the drink'n fountain...but i guess in NY it's just another day...as no one paid any attention

by the time we had reached the car service...which seemed like an eternity...there would be no white gloved servant open'n the doors...

it turned out to be just a fuck'n orange cabbie...but what'dya gonna do?...it was a free ride...and i hadn't had one of those in a long time!

so as we all piled into the part time slovakian vendors orange pinto blow-about mobile...off we went to the bright lights of the BIG APPLE...and of course Gin Mary went from drunken ballet dancer to mr.octopussy...with his tentacles try'n to latch onto any part of my anatomy

a short 30 minute ride later...i bid a hastily "au revior"

to my stalker and the in flight entertainment

and waited patiently outside GC...and with only $34 in my purse...

i started feel'n like Madonna on her first trip to the BIG APPLE...minus of course...all the ambition and will power to make it on my own...so i waited nervously patient  fer further instructions from Jackson as to my next assignment

tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock...hmmm...no text

as the heat climbed...so did my anxiety...did my dyslexia with the airport's 3 letter abbreviations...ruin a 2 year connection?

i have never been a fan of wait'n fer anyone...PERIOD!...and of course..my mind immediately thinks the complete worse thing has happened...

like either he was gunned down in a birage of bullets by some dark stranger while take'n the train out to meet me and i would have to turn tricks at the no-tell motel just fer a place to count sheep fer the next 4 days...

or worse yet...he was just a figment of my outrageous imagination...and i never really chatted to anyone but myself  fer the better part of 2 years...

i'm think'n...hey...is schizophrenia the new black?

wait...did i just say that? HA!

hey this is how my mind works...when i'm not think'n about myself!

FINALLY...after like 37 minutes (i'm guesstimate'n here) he called to say he was in the subway and had no way of send'n my directions to his apt...

and that he was terminally ill after spend'n half the morn'n head'n to a terminal that he didn't need to be at...i tried to convince him to meet me outside GC...but it wasn't happen'n...so he texted me with further instructions to his addy and told me to take a cab there and if i chose this mission and he wasn't home by the time he arrived...i was to wait fer him at the pizza joint next to his place...and wait fer a guy with a glass eye and a peg leg humm'n "like a bridge over troubled water"

 (ok i might'a embellished that last part a bit...but i'm tell'n the story!)

do i make it to the pizza joint in one piece?

does the man with the glass eye and peg leg hum the wrong song?

can i pull a squirrel outta my hat and make things better with Jackson?

find out next week..in the excite'n conclusion of  "the BIG ROTTEN APPLE"

now get off my dress