1...2...cha-cha-cha

with the last of the faggotry festivities finally come'n to a close this week

i thought i'd give you some of my most spiritually influential toe tapp’n tunes to help you slip into those

slinky pair of culottes you made from that buttermilk pattern #45 you finally bought off those annoy’n retro instagram ads & that tacky halter top you “inherited” from yer boyfriend’s wife that you’ve been bedazzle’n all month just so you can shake a tail feather faster than yer last walk of shame...as yer gett'n ready fer that special 69...before yer 86'd by the income'n traffic

so kick back...powder that puss puss and toss yer troubles out the door while listen'n as i count down my fav-o-rit top 20 titty twisters fer PRIDE

come'n in @ #20 was the tune that set the room on fire fer me AND

became the prequel anthem (if you will) that made this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe sashay & shante' away...when i 1st seen it appear on the video screens @ the SALOON in the Minne-Apple back in '93...with RUPAUL's  "SUPERMODEL"

#19 was thee very 1st number ever suggested to me by my dearest friend 

 (and staple fag hag) PEETRINELLA...that i would ever perform on my very 1st nite on stage @ the GAY 90's in '95...which was ANN MARGRET's "13 MEN & ME"...you can only imagine what 13 men at once will do to a plump A-double snakes like mine...i mean yers...(well...you don't have to once you've reached the 1:48 moment in the video...ps...don't say i didn't warn ya)

#18 belongs to the purrrrrrfect prowl'n puss in boots...1950's would'a never

been the same without the sassy and sauciness of the american sing'n activist style'ns of one miss EARTHA KITT...prove'n that she was nothing more than just an "OLD FASHIONED GIRL"

#17 comes from the most famous blonde in history...who started the whole

damn fan snapp'n crazy nearly 50+ years ago...MARILYN MONROE gave a voice to and made it socially acceptable fer ALL those gold digg'n twinks...twunks and anyone in a financial funk...to hunt fer the highest pay'n sugga daddy to dole out the dolla bills when needed...with her hit "DIAMONDS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND"

#16 has been compared to the likes of Etta James Tina Turner and even

Janis Jopin...lead singer BETH DITTO of the indy band GOSSIP from Olympia WA...made their mark on the music scene since 1999...and though they last recorded together in 2012 with the release of "A JOYFUL NOISE"...their song "MEN IN LOVE" stands out as the best "i do" finale to find'n that absolute anal adonis as yer date on the dance floor before the lights come up...and he goes down...ON YOU!

#15 is fer all of those want'n a taste of the wild side...who would rather

 taste a lil bit of S&M...instead of taste'n plain ol' M&M sex...KIM PETRAS gives you a taste of the wild side with her dark  and lusty duet with none other than the Mistress of the Dark ELVIRA with her in the dark hit "TURN OFF THE LIGHT"

#14 belongs to the psychedelic princess who was a dance floor staple of 

every dance club from coast to coast date'n back to the 1990's...who asked us how do you spell deee-groovy...deee-gorgeous..and how do you spell DEEE-LITE...with their club anthem "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART"

#13 is fer all those granola chomp'n birkenstock'n non-lipstick'n beauties

that just wanna chill out to an open fire with a bottle of chilled chardonnay after a rough day at the home depot...INDIGO GIRLS lezbitronic love song "CLOSER TO FINE" is a great strummer fer those that like to hummer (hey...don't bite my head off just cuz they apparently don't have enuff benjamins fer a gif account)

#12 comes from the dynamic british duo from across the pond known as 

the EURYTHMICS...who penned the paranoid hit fer all those insecurities within us all...with their 1983 hit "WHO'S THAT GIRL?" 

#11 though not so much of a toe tapper as much as an eye-opener fer  

those within the marginalized community that have faced more than they should thru-out their ostracized life...the 80's most famous gender bender hit the mark with his poignant heart felt song...written by the one and only BOY GEORGE..."SHE WAS NEVER HE"...is the 1st anthem i've ever heard that shed a dimly lit light on the plight of the trans community

#10 comes from the girl who just wanted to have fun ever since the 80's

bein' one of the most outspoken and biggest allies fer the gay community since the beginn'n of her career CYNDI LAUPER's hit "SHINE" is a great tear jerk'n dance tune to help give you the strength you need to get you thru the roughest of times no matter how bad they seem

#9 will put you in a time warp back to when disco & dudes in shorty shorts

& their equally horned-up co-horts...were all the rage on the dance floor...one hit of poppers and you were ready to take the train to brown town...& even if DONNA SUMMER denounced them years later (allegedly thanx to her CASPER crusade'n career) "HOT STUFF" remains a true boner-fide ride regardless

#8 has to be the loudest mouth in comedy that is more than just a comic

but also an outspoken...politically in yer face...right on sista song birdie who will funk you up...SANDRA BERNHARD's no holds barred hit "DO YOU WANNA FUNK?" doesn't funk around at all and tells you exactly what's gonna happen if you put yer finger in the funk

#7 though gone...he has left his imprint and impression on the music world

that will never be forgotten...i even experienced a missed opportunity to actually climb aboard...his bus (& who knows...maybe even him) after his FAITH tour @ the St Paul Civic Center in MN in '89 (true story) GEORGE MICHEAL  made lite of his "sticky situation" from years earlier with some cheeky fun fer all those pervie bathroom headhunters with his snappy unapologetic smash hit "OUTSIDE"

#6 before any of the RUtards...there was one of the filthiest queens on the

 planet that was in yer face like a bucket of mace...DIVINE was a hefty happy meal in heels and her trashy disco hit "YOU THINK YOU'RE A  MAN" made you take a seat if you couldn't handle her meat

#5 as one of the many androgynous wonders of the world in the 1980's

lead singer PETE BURNS from the british band DEAD OR ALIVE may have left this planet fer the time bein'...but not before record'n his walk of shame hit "BRAND NEW LOVER" say'n it was A-OK fer those dissatisfied dick wranglers to keep on look'n fer the perfect throat plunger

#4 with soo many smash diddies to chose from...i'm gonna have to go with

CHER's roller skate'n hit single from her 16th studio album in 1979 "HELL ON WHEELS" as thee perfect back hand sammich to yer face if you try and fuck with me on the dance floor

#3 we've all had those fag hags that think they're yer new true best friend

to help you pick out that perfect prick that's not gonna be a dick...but read the warn'n signs between their lines from AVA MAX...cuz maybe they're just a lil "SWEET BUT PSYCHO"

#2 comes from one of the latest new cummers to catch my eyes and ears

and fer all those the new silly queers out there look'n fer thee puuuurfect runway anthem to make yer entrance when you meet yer possee out on any give'n nite...TODRICK's "NAILS HAIR HIPS HEELS" will show you the correct order in which it's done

thee #1 reason...not matter what the season...comes from the QUEEN

of chameleon's...who has dominated the fuck'n dance floor fer the past 30+ years and is STILL goin strong

 with her latest release become'n #1 in no less than 60 countries...include'n Uzbekistan!...(hey...i know what yer think'n kittens...Uzbekistan?...yes...it's true...the one gay that works at the only pop-up record shop that hasn't been blow up yet..and he bought all 20 copies as pass over prezzies...so it still counts) anywho'zll'ding...

MADAME X bein her latest incarnation...M has zero plans on ever give'n up her hard earned throne anytime soon...until they try and pry it from her absolutely smoke'n alabastered corpse...of course the #1 spot it could only be from the one and only MADONNA...

who taught millions of us just how to strike a pose with her #1 1990 planetary smash hit "VOGUE"

thanx fer tune'n in kittens...now slap on yer sauciest look...show yer pride

and get off my dress! 

PRIDE in the name of white bread!

with all the PRIDE festivities take'n place around the planet this month

from the BIG APPLE...to that big throat plunger you met stand'n in line by the glory hole at STEAMWORKS in CHI-town recently (formerly known as Oprahville) there's sooo much to celebrate fer the LGBTXYZPDQ community

especially since this is the 50th anniversary of where it's ALL began

though it took 50 years fer the boys in blue to admit their wrong doin...there's still sooo much more that needs to be completed before ALL marginalized butt pirates...throat plungers and donut bump'n lezbitronix can FINALLY feel equal with the rest of the planet!

in view of all that has happened ever since those riots way back in 1969 

who knows reality from fantasy these days...the informational highway is littered with scathin' sordid stories from bein 86'd...to bein 69'd...and who really knows what MAY or MAY NOT have happened to said marginalized groupings on that day..(of course...except those that actually attended the "love in") well...my names not google kittens...so get those phalanges tap dance'n on yer keyboard if you wanna update yer brain storage

BUTT...the one topic  that no one really ever talks about

 while sipp'n on their 5th blood orange martini with their next door neighbor Latrell with the glass eye and peg leg...while duck'n from tiki torches outside the neighborhood bar (that i can admit it freely here myself...bein' the upstand'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am)...i am a bit ashamed that i have never even discussed it durin' any of the many contortional whoregies where i was just an innocent onlicker...i mean...videographer at...or durin' the many verbal and psychical lashings i've encountered ever since high school

and that is...the plight of the everly oppressed STRAIGHT WHITE PRIDE!

it wasn't til recently that i finally decided to open up my eyes and realized

to stop pretend'n...HEY...how would I feel if I went to a KID ROCK concert...and I was told after the open'n number...that I hadda cool it by security and I could no longer chug down on any more Budweiser bongs cuz I was completely disrupt'n and splash'n my beer that I BOUGHT WITH MY HARD EARNED GODDAMN AMERICAN MONEY (by sell'n a kilo of coke to the kids at the candy store...right next to the school fer the blind) all over the AA group stand'n in front of me...besides me and in back of me...at their 20th year of sobriety celebration ...only cuz i was try'na have a good time...cuz my wife left me again...after she caught me in bed...with my mother-n-law...again!

or what if...W-H-A-T I-F...i went to the grocery store and some obviously physically fit ass wipe in a periwinkle cabriolet...waves at me to go ahead to park my rusted out monster truck...and i end up have'n to take the last 2 park'n spots in the lot...and he pulls up to me as i step outta my vehicle and says straight to me "seriously dude?" and peels off at a responsible speed...i mean talk about racially profile'n me...who wouldn't think that was a total unwarranted come on and not deserve'n of a full ass beat'n by me and my buddies...with a vat of lube?

of course enjoy'n Judy sing'n "OVER THE RAINBOW" with yer family every year or watch'n "RAINBOW BRITE " reruns with yer kids on saturday morn'ns (after they burst into yer bedroom and catch mommy gett'n motor boated...by yer best friend...while you were video tape'n it)...will never feel like yer own...now that all those damn non heterosexual fire breath'n heathens completely stole the rainbow as their own symbol of deviance...right form under you when you weren't look'n

and you can't tell me you wouldn't have an attitude and go off the handle if you went thru yer fav-o-rit drive-thru restaurant...placed yer order fer 5 double stacked with all the fix'n burgers...an extra large order of their deepest fried cholesterol clogg'n american fries...every nite after work and then ask the cutie-pie's take'n yer order if you can get their phone number...and they just ignore you and tell you to pull forward to pay fer yer order...and as you hand them the money...they give YOU an attitude and say "can you quit ask'n me fer my number...i told you many times before...i get off at 10...dad!"

well i fer one was finally glad to see that this completely unmarginalized 

group of beer gutt'n...dirty pillow oogle'n...beaver hunt'n...baseball beat'n...precocious pricks were finally gett'n their much desperately needed recognition they so well deserved and so well over due...with the very 1st STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE in Boston...headed up by none other than Britain's very own self hate'n mayonnaise douche ragg'n dick cheezer Milo Y-i-a-m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i (or some shit like that) who the fuck really cares?

now i know some of you on the other side of the rainbow are think'n...

HEY...those fucktwats already have their parades of pride...what about the MARDI GRAS PARADE?

ROSE BOWL PARADE?

ST PATRICK'S DAY PARADE?

MACY'S DAY PARADE?

THE SPERMICIDAL WHITE SALE PARADE? (to name a few)

and they were barely able to squeeze in their latest revamp of the SPERMICIDAL WHITE SALE PARADE with I'M A PRIVILEGED REJECTED ASSWART MODEL FROM THE GAP PARADE

though i heard thru the grapevine...it was unfortunately cut short when the manager at Homo Depot found out that the tiki torches weren't bein used in the remake of  1976 classic KING KONG like they were initially told

of course we can't ferget about all the other hundreds of other small town

less popular parades...yet equally important...like the BITTER QUEEN PARADE

the ever popular GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY BITCH PARADE (aptly titled BLACK FRIDAY PARADE so it can properly fit on the banner) to help commemorate the open'n of the holiglazed season'n

and of  course how can we ever ferget the most popular parade of them all...simply called the EVERY DAY IN PUBLIC WITHOUT THE WORRY OF PROSECUTION OR PERSECUTION ON ANY FUCKING CORNER ON THE PLANET PARADE!

and thank the dear CASPER in the CLOUDS above...that you no longer 

have to hide yer true feel'ns and you can shout it at the top of yer lungs...while stroll'n down the street or at the beach...or quite frankly...ANYWHERE IN THE FREE FUCKING WORLD...with some lovely apparel from amazon...to let people know WHO YOU REALLY ARE! (though i wanna personally shout out a heartless felt apology cuz these were the only 3 color options left in the crayon box unfortunately...since those damn homo's stole all the other ones)

 hey...at least you'll stand out though...huh!

when ya really sit down and think about all of the many many horrendous 

stampedes they (the non marginalized population that is) have had to endure when they find out that their local grocer ran out of their fav-o-rit artery clogg'n sammich paste...well...why should WE (the marginalized group) feel any sympathy fer ourselves at all...i mean...the only thing that WE as a group have had to suffer on a daily basis fer years is pretty much petty things...like recently...

when british couple MELANIA GEYMONT and her lover CHRIS got served a couple of back hand sammiches while ride'n on a bus in london...fer simply NOT comply'n to a group of 4...obviously privileged anal warts...and their simple sadistically animalistic pleasures by make'n out in front of them

or 22 year old trans woman from Dallas...MULAYSIA BOOKER...bein shot in cold blood...after only bein brutally beaten just a month earlier 

(not include'n the other 300+ already murdered from last year alone)

of course who needs to be bothered with the biggest one of them all...when 21 year old MATTHEW SHEPARD of Laramie Wyoming...was beaten...tortured and strapped to a wire fence left to die...only to succumb to his injuries 6 days later...and only recently laid to rest some 20 years after that fateful nite

the LGBTXYZPDQ community just really needs to listen up stop wallow'n in their own pettiness fer a change and throw'n it in everyone's face...

and just understand what THEY (the unmarginalized group) have had to go thru!

well thankfully...guys like my long lost government drug bunny Marty...

spent some of his hard earned back break'n benajamins and bought this very over looked non marginalized group a few websites to help guide them and their budweis'n shit kick'n buddies on yer momentous parade route...and i fer one am glad someone finally took a stand for this group:

straightprideday.com
heterosexualprideday.com
heterosexualpride.com

don't ferget...equal rights fer others DOES NOT mean less rights fer YOU!

it's not pie!...so with that in mind...i just wanna wish EVERYONE a blister filled pride (that don't remember to marinate in 50 proof sunblock)
now get off my dress!