can i stalk to you fer a minute?

ever get that not so fresh feeling...like yer being watched?

and i don't mean that in a Linda Lovelace sorta ways kittens...well not today anyways!

so you know how i'm into gangsta rap MADONNA right?

well...this has nothing to do with the follow'n events...i just thought i'd let ya know the REBEL HEART DVD is ready fer pre-order at this very moment and my bday is next week...you do the math!...if you haven't yet...order it by click'n on this link...it's like buttah!

MADONNA...if yer read'n this...and i know in some parallel universe you are...i want you to know...i'm borderline...i feel like i'm goin to loose my mind!

look...now i'm gett'n flaklempt!

talk amongst yerselves...i'll give you a topic....MADONNA...she's neither a virgin or from Virginia...discuss!

so there i was a couple months back...a few years ago...chatter'n amongst the lost lonely souls along the informational highway look'n fer fornicational pleasures at the easiest and apparently...the most polluted and diluted...i mean the most "popular" informational highway rest stop...

out there...GRINDR...strictly as a sexually charged starved observationalist of course

well truth be told...i actually loathe non verbal communication completely...

about as much as i loathe sushi...Belushi...phoney's and flakes...and definitely anything deep fried on a steak...the socially retarded...the chemically dependents...and what is up with all these emotionally delayed defendants?

i think Miss Macgregor's nipples said it best when they said...

"torn between two lovers...feel'n like a fool...lov'n both of you...is break'n all the ruuuuules!"

bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...i seriously don't have time to be bothered with

play'n the proverbial text game of cat and mouse...i mean come on...i'm a pseudo sorta somewhat star in my own mind after all...i don't have to put up with that shit!

so unless i'm totally engaged in a deep conversation of yer boredom...i just throw my contact number out there like candy to the depraved non heterosexual kittens with a pulse...in hopes fer some human inter"action"

when ya think about it really though...text'n is sooo impersonal...it was

much more romantic when our ancestral indian mo's used to send smoke signals...granted you never knew back then if it was fer a hook-up...or they just needed a bucket of water cuz their tee-pee was on fire...but just like smoke signals...9.5 times outta 10 (and trust me...that .5 helps)...they rarely ever call back anyways...cuz aggressively passiveness is sooo much more attractive...don'tcha think?

well on the occasion that the one half that actually do decide to do voice on voice connection...i do my best to try and weed out their intentions within the first 5 to 15 minutes...and make my call if it's gonna end up bein' a terrific nite on the town...or just a tea bag party after the sun goes down

and if the latter is the case...i do my stretches and make sure to lay out an assortment of spermicidal jams and jellies...i am a safety gurl after all

one even'n while i was pump'n my pecs...plural here...(don't get twisted)...i received a text from an out of my area code unknown number

short story a lil longer than needed...yer name ain't in my cellular device?...you either lost my interest...or didn't bring me any canned goods!...such was the case i guess with said texted man...but i'm all about give'n it up to charity...when a quota is needed...so i said to him...send me a pic to remind me why i didn't wanna be bothered to log you in my phone in the first place...cuz now maybe i do...one never knows right?

minutes later...i received a text look'n like the guy work'n out next to me...

now...i can neither confirm nor deny that said picture is the texter in question...so play along with me on this one...so at first i thought...S-C-O-R-E...well he was gravy train after all!

but as i looked closer to the picture...it was my back stand'n next to him?

hmmm?...now this text was turn'n more into like...the call is come'n from inside the house!

i immediately put down the dumbbells and pulled up my leg warmers...and skedaddled the H-E-double hockey stix outta there...as i was head'n out... 

my good friend Faedre called and i was tell'n her about this freak who took a pic of me work'n out...and not that THAT was so unusual...but it was more the manner that the pic was take'n...it was take'n thru the window of the gym

my 1st OFFICIAL STALKER!...now i know what it feels like to be MADONNA...well...minus the gazillion dollars in my piggy bank...a hot bilingual conalingul to read bed time stories to...and a posse of A double snake kissers every where i go to do my bidd'n...but at least we now have a common thread to talk about over beluga caviar...carrot strips and some kabbalah on the side...if the situation should ever happen that we meet...again

by the time i had made it home...i started gett'n dinner ready and noticed another text from him...but decided that this cat and mouse game had gone on long enough...so i deleted it without even read'n it...then another text had come thru...this time with a pic that looked awfully familiar to me...

CUZ IT WAS ME LEAVE'N THE GYM!

seriously kittens...this was now gett'n a lil to "i will not be ignored!"

and i was in no mood fer bunny soup that even'n!

3 hours later...as i was O.D.'n on S.A.T.C..since i wasn't have'n any...

a call came thru with no name...but i was so strung out like some junkie whore on the show...that i picked it up without think'n...they said they were Jay and that we met a while back...hmmm i did meet a Jay in chicago over market days that was from the Minne-Apple...and wanted to "hang out"...so i said sure come on over...but only to swap stories...not split you like a sunday...cuz i was gett'n ready to count sheep

30 mins later...a text popped up say'n he was here...so i threw on my Smurf jammies (why not!) and headed fer the back door...(lil side note...contrary to popular belief...that is my door of choice...i gotta tattoo above mine that says exit only...unless you gimme a ring) but any who'zll'ding...as i reached the top of the steps...i could see some odd guy

peer'n thru my back door window...hmmm...this was not the Jay that i had previously met in Chicago...though he hadda sorta Colin Farrell attractiveness...(if i have early onset dementia and glaucoma of the eyes)

 in a Charles Nelson Reilly sorta way...
i had zero clue who he was and was in no mood to play 20 questions...so i opened the back door and asked him who he was...turns out...

 HE WAS MY STALKER!

as he paced back and forth in the park'n lot try'n to get me to let him inside...i wondered....hmmm....how did he ever find me?...then i thought wait!...i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own damn universe...i don't have to put up with this shit!

then i noticed he had on a back pack...and was sweat'n like a priest on a playground...so i let him talk...cuz i wasn't wear'n my explosive deflector jammies that particular even'n

he pretty much rambled on...hop scotch'n from random story to random story...how 95% of non heterosexuals lie on line about themselves (can't argue with him there unfortunately)...how i was good look'n (again...good point!) but looked like i'm pretentious (hey hold up a minute there...i'm not conceited...just convinced!)...then he went off the deep end about if he ever had kids and the stove was on how he would let them touch it and they would learn their lesson and how no one ever wants to hang out...

with him...and how he has an IQ of 110...A-N-D...time to go P-S-Y-C-H-O! 

i told him it's been lovely meet'n him and thanked him fer play'n...

he went home with some beautiful part'n gifts...a phone number to a "friend" of mine who works with the "lollipop guild" society and some unused turtle wax i had left over from my price is right winn'ns back in '87...and made my way back inside my shit box...

i racked my brain over and over how he found me as i applied my St Ives mint julip mud mask...turns out a friend i had called said that any picture's that i may have take'n in my own lil shit box i call home and sent out to the universe...can easily be tracked by GPS from my phone

DOH!

i knew upgrade'n my dino flip phone to a smart phone was gonna be the death of me...my dumb ass would never figer out all the tricks and triggers and chaos's it could cause...it's a trilogy of terror i could live without!

3 days later...i received a call from yet another unknown number...and like an idiot think'n it could be a call from Ed McMahon tell'n me i had won the publishers clear'n house bullshit...(before i realized he's dead) i picked up!

he wanted to know what my name was...i said "WHY?"...he said...
 "cuz i wanna know who i'm look'n at!"

well it has been 4 years since my stalker left me...but i know he's out there...watch'n...wait'n...want'n more...of me...well why the hell not?

but i'm in no mood to have'ta get my number changed...again...fer fuck's sakes...i can barely remember my ABC's...let alone my STD's...so until we meet again...and i'm sure we will...

GET OFF MY DRESS!

how to lift and separate

when ya think about it...the times have never really changed much

the powers in power have made up a large percentage of yer minds for you without you have'n to take any sorta responsibility to think fer yerselves...don't answer that...just think about it fer a minute?

we're subliminally...and stupidly many follow...bein' told to pick sides by the media between this or that...fer instance let's take a simple subject like KATY PERRY and TAYLOR SWIFT and their pettiness...bein pitted against each other as the WWF of the music world...all becuz of some stupid spat they had...as if that was gonna change the way they actually perform on stage

in the 90's we hadda pick between CHRISTINA AGUILERA and  BRITNEY SPEARS and who could pull off the wetter lip gloss in a glittered bikini made of mint floss and pasties

in the 80's it was MADONNA and CYNDI LAUPER and who was gonna outshine the other

but i'm here to tell ya kittens...this is not the MUSKRAT LOVE that the CAPTAIN & TENILLE would approve of...oh no!...why are you lett'n yerself bein' distracted by who likes what...this has been a no brainer free market'n tool for music execs to use against those who have no brain in order to drive sales

i mean...i'm sure if we looked back far enough in musical history...we'd know all about the disastrous smack down torch weild'n riots between who was the better ivory tickler...MOZART or BEETHOVEN

so to bring'n it back into perspective here and the recent clash...

no...not these guys (though the 1st guy on the left...like totally could'a rock'd my casbah back then i swear with those dreamy eyes)

no...unfortunately i'm talk'n about these brain dead lobotomized polo'd morons...(i'll save my perspective til the end) and all over a statue...or so we're lead to believe!

A STATUE?..REALLY?...cuz from what i ran across in the live stream media...they weren't chant'n in unison...while thrash'n their home depot tiki torches in match'n kaki's "let Robert Lee be...let Robert Lee be"...but let's just say it was about the damn statue fer a  minute

lemme break it down fer ya...so me...not really bein' a historian whore...or one who really was into cast iron catastrophes of the past...i didn't really get the point on either side...whether you were for the historian significance of the statue or against it...to me IT'S JUST A STATUE!

BUTT

 (don't worry...i just need'a breather to collect my lustful thoughts fer a min)

a simple pimple solution to the whole damn thing would be to just preserve the confederate statues (regardless how you feel about their significance to society) in a museum in which ever city you reside in...

and all those supposed "pissed of patriots"...can go worship their ghosts of a painful past...like the thousand of lobotomized CASPER worshippers do on sunday...that is...IF that was their real reason...of which those unlobotomized of us out there know...IT WAS NOT!

but let's no loose site and focus on what the REAL issue at hand is...

though some might think'n i'm putt'n on my paranoid floaters and take'n a dipp'n in the conspiracy pool...think about it fer a minute?...why NOW all of a sudden are we ignite'n a race war over a statue?...it's always been there...it's just suppressed at times thru-out our history

but is it really a stretch when you stop and think about it fer just a cotton pick'n minute (without whatever news channel and social media outlet post you choose to believe is REAL NEWS) this was all just a simple free distraction...most likely created by BANNON the CANNON...and now that he's gone...

there are many lobotomized applicants that have already begun to line up...fill'n out their applications to take his place...

when all they really need to do to get over all their pent up anger is listen to some KESSLER SISTERS or CONNIE FRANCIS  and get over their fuckery...yer free speech is fine...NO MATTER HOW INSANELY FUCK'D UP IT REALLY IS...but it should ONLY be doin just that
(no tiki torch'n...car runn'n over parade)

but i think Scully and Mulder would agree with me...we are only bein' pinned against each other once again as a distraction...instead of focus'n on the real deal...so our TWITTER BITCH can ride off into the sunset with his Rooski

like the queen says..."music...makes the people come together"

turn down yer emotions...turn up yer mind...and turn up the radio...oh...
and get off my dress!

come together in every nation!

this year marks the 30th anniversary when me & my unfortunately old bff

worshiped at the alter of the QUEEN in St Paul, MN 

fer the very first time...

and ever since...i've been absofuckinglutely addicted!

well it's been almost 2 damn long years since i had the opportunity to marinate in all her glorious essence live...after host'n thee OFFICIAL REBEL HEART tour party in the Minne-Apple (my 2nd time around i might add)...my genius video friend Tony even made a kick-ass commercial fer my gig (though the bar management was a royal pain in my A double snakes to work with...it was a H-U-G-E success...but i guess i digress) 

and now...F-I-N-A-L-L-Y...she is set to release her global domination onto the nation once again from her amazingly spectacular sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on her 59th birthday this wednesday august 16th...order yer copy today

those who got to witness the QUEEN stake claim to her crown with DICK

on AMERICAN BANDSTAND back in 1984...felt her confidence when she declared she wanted to "rule the world"...and she has ever since then as far as the music world is concerned...

for someone who's been beat up by critics and crazy ass fans fer more than 30 years in the biz...she's persevered and prevailed and has never had to abdicate her crown...break'n her back and shatter'n the ceil'n as far as live entertainment has never seen the likes of before...so i thought i'd go back thru her illustrious career of live performances...(and what was available on youtube.com and gif form to tell my story) so without further ado...i give you my top 13 ALL TIME FAV live moments from the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR...let's begin shall we?

#13...though she looked more like a rejected 80's mall rat from Sheboygan Wi...M has always remembered where she came from and has always give'n up her time to causes close to her heart by perform'n fer the biggest audience fer the biggest cause at the time at LIVE AID to help fight famine in Africa with "HOLIDAY"

#12...after Pete Burns decided to have a garage sale to get rid of his "YOU SPIN ME AROUND" eye patch he no longer needed to wear...M snapped it up fer a crisp cool $100 benjamin and went all Breakfast at Tiffany's meets Alice in Wunderland back in 1993 durin' her "GIRLIE SHOW" with her soft core porn sizzler "JUSTIFY MY LOVE"

#11...the 1st of 3 collaborations to make my list...was when M generously decided to share her spotlight with a bunch of artistic apes in the 1st ever live animation performance at the GRAMMY awards back in 2011...mash'n up her smash hit HUNG UP with the GORILLAZ

#10...though they never toured together as rock royalty...(cuz PRINCE said in the 90's that the world wasn't ready for that just yet)...PRINCE did duet with M on "LOVE SONG" from her brilliant emotionally infused "LIKE A PRAYER" album...so it was only fitt'n that the QUEEN would pay an emotional tribute to a PRINCE gone much to soon with a mash-up of his songs "NOTHING COMPARES 2U" & "PURPLE RAIN"...with a lil help from STEVIE WONDER 

#9...written fer her x hubby SEAN PENN"s movie "AT CLOSE RANGE" back in 1986...M was never one to shy away from controversy but marinate in it and that she did when she performed "LIVE TO TELL" durin' her 2006 CONFESSIONS TOUR...it was thee most controversialy & perfectly poignant performance of M's career

#8...written by icelandic kaleidoscopic butterfly BJORK...M's performance of "BEDTIME STORIES" at the 1995 BRIT AWARDS gave me the chills with her Donetella Versace like ice queen locks dance'n against the dry ice and fan while bein molested by match'n mute twin blonde bombshells

#7...from the 1991 OSCAR awards...when M was ooze'n in Miss Monroe'ness...belt'n out her tribute to DICK with "SOONER OR LATER" and taught you how to correctly get on with the show...regardless if yer $10,000 Harry Winston earring gets stuck to yer aqua-netted golden locks or not

#6...one of M's most grittiest and rawest performances from her early days on the VIRGIN TOUR...declare'n she will "take you by surprise" with the beat of the electronic cow bell...her dirty blonde locks flipp'n and dripp'n in sweat...much like a priest on a playground...as she shook her money maker like nobody's bizness with "GAMBLER"...lett'n the audience know right up front "yer just jealous cuz ya can't be me" (and trust me...we ALL do want to be)

#5...after contact'n M's merch peeps when M finally decided to return to the land of 10, 000 lakes 9,999 bottoms (it's soo hard to be me) after a 25 year absence in 2015...i became thee OFFICIAL tour party hostess in St. Paul MN durin' her MDNA stop...and trust me...like M...i was a "GIRL GONE WILD"...and take'n a page right outta M's philosophy...we raised alot of benjamins fer the MATTHEW SHEPPARD FOUNDATION that year

#4...the world got to witness M perform "LIKE A VIRGIN" fer the very 1st time at the very 1st Mtv awards back in 1984...and since then...this classic has gone thru more transformations and reworks than the late Joan Rivers mug...but the one version of being "touched for the very first time" almost got her arrested in Toronto 27 years ago durin' her BLONDE AMBITION tour fer play'n with her kitty on stage

#3...M's 1990 Mtv "VOGUE" performance as 18th century harlets in heat...bring'n a whole new mean'n to fann'n the flames...put the bar so high...that every performer ever since has tried to imitate her...but they just can't duplicate her success

#2...every performer goes thru mishaps and malfucktions durin' performances at some point in their career...but when it happens on live tv like it did back 2015 on the BRIT AWARDS fer M...it was the shock wave that was felt thru-out the music world...but just like M's live snafu with a suicidal earring 25 years earlier...M bein' the very consummate perfectionist that she has always been...was triumphantly unapologetic and carried on with the show...M made the appropriate changes when she was "LIVING FOR LOVE" at the 2015 GRAMMY AWARDS with her back breaking performance

#1...love to hate her or hate that you love her so much...MADONNA proved she truly is the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR when she brilliantly executed her powerhouse performance that football fans had never before seen the likes of in the history of halftime shows...durin' the 2012 SUPERBOWL...with the perfect blend of new and classics hits by the hitmaker...along with a few of her famous followers back'n up the QUEEN...to make it the highest rated show ever in the history of halftimes at the time

so there ya have it kittens...a "CELEBRATION" of my fav-o-rit live performances by the QUEEN...(i'm sure you all have yer own) give it up fer thee absofuckinglutely ultimately awesomeist LIVIN' LEGEND...HAPPY 59th MADONNA...many more...now get off my dress!