bein the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my
own universe was not all that it was cracked up to be...behind all the shiny glitter...the worshipped glamour and the fleet'n fame was a ferious ferry who wanted to bury you if you posted an unflatter'n photo in a compromise'n position without my permission...i mean...you try staple'n yer throat plunger to yer back while simultaneously cradle'n yer loaded Lenny & Squiggy's in yer pelvic walls fer a minimum of 5 hours while bein yanked left and right by fanatically crazed stalkers begg'n fer a mere moment of yer attention just so they can marinate in how many "likes" they get on social media over their post with you attached to it
yes...celebs like myself (no matter how low on the celebuscale we are)
deal with madness from time to time...like that time when VERA met TELLY SAVALAS in Mel's Diner and was completely smacked upside the head star struck...listen kitten...i totally get the rush you get meet'n someone you've always admired in the spotlight...i still remember the rush i got when some common person personally asked me fer my autograph at 27 fer the first time backstage at this AIDS charity event i was perform'n at...and trust me...i know i'm at the bottom of the celebuscale...but compared to you read'n me week after week after all these years...you can ask anyone that's been lucky enough to cum into my sanctuary...I'M TOTALLY THE TOP...and they know it!
everyone thinks that the spotlight is where it's at...but trust me...it ain't that
easy bein cheeky all the time...no matter how much yer paid to play the fame game...you loose yer freedom...you loose yer anonimity...you loose yer fuck'n marbles unfortunately at some point like everyone else who has to turn around and make the sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelian gods from time to time!
run-in's with my fav-o-rit personality of ALL time...the beyond brilliance of britian's own
BOY GEORGEBUTT...there's more to come
i can recall the very 1st time that i had gotten close enough to comsume
the air of one of my fav-or-its when i greyhounded my A-double snakes to visit the AIDS quilt at the Metrodome in the Minne-Apple in 1988...as i walked around observe'n the quilt patterns by those who had left us much too soon when it was a death sentence...i stumbled across the block of the flambouyant pianist LIBERACE...i heard the woman stand'n next to me say "it's so sad how many have died so soon". (and that is a direct quote) as i looked up...i was speechless...cuz it was none other than actress and one of soap opera's sweethearts who played dual roles as half sisters Frannie and Sabrina Hughes on "AS THE WORLD TURNS" by the yet barely unknown JULIANNE MOORE...the frenzied fame whore in me wanted a picture with her...but this was not the time nor the place to pull out my discrete kodamatic camera and intrude...i knew all about celebuboundaries back then thanx to Phil Donahue
a couple years later i would move to St Paul in the steamy summer of '90
and 2 years after move'n to the Minne-Apple 3 months in...i would see my very 1st comedy performance by the love goddess...petite flower...aphrodite of the accordian...fashion-plate saint...queen of candy-pants...princess of panty shields...and empress of elvis impersonators JUDY TENUTA...well...i was crammed in the back of the ACME comedy club in St Paul and did my damndest to get her attention cuz i knew she was gonna call 2 members from the audience to join her on stage durin' her act (since i had already seen this act months early on Comedy Central) scream'n like a hooker in heat...i attracked her attention finally and was sent march'n up on stage...once there...JUDY herself was left awe struck and blown away by my 70's motif (some could say she was actually speechless) none the less she was a gracious goddess to me
i have always been in touch with the dark side...of course that includes
myself...so it's no surprise i was over the moon when my BFF Peetrinella decided to play cabbie one october nite in 1994 and drove me and a car full of fagula's to a haunted hayride in some ungodly suburb to meet the one and only MISTRESS OF THE DARK ELVIRA...she was even beyond more stunn'n in person than her tv personality...of course leave it to the toothless inbred truck'n fuckers in front of us oogle'n over her ample assests and blurt'n out "look'it her tits man!" (insert vomit here)
i had dolled up like Alex from a "CLOCKWORK ORANGE" and i could tell ELVIRA was completely over the comments from the slack-jawed yocals but was completely shocked by my apperance once i made it in front of her...she even commented on my look and how gorgeous i looked and by the time we had finished our drunk'n hayride...i told Peetrinella that i wanted to get one more autograph from ELVIRA so we made our way back to her trailer but this practically 10ft steroided behemoth came out of her trailer inform'n us Miss ELVIRA was done with the meet & greets fer the nite...so i told him to let ELVIRA know it's MATTRESS...but we were all turned away...less than 30 seconds later...the door flung open and the golly green giant said "MATTRESS...Miss ELVIRA would like to see only you!" Peetrinella and the fagula's hated me as i made them wait outside in the cold while i had my own personal one on one with ELVIRA in her trailer...again she reiterated to me how she loved my look and said she can't make any promises but she wrote her hollywood addy on the back of another glamour shot of her (that she gave to me fer free) and said to send her an 8x10 profesh head shot of myself to her and she would give it to her agent
as much as anyone loves to brag about their run-in's with celebutants
i had one specific celebutant...maybe you'be heard of her...ELLEN BARKIN...who happened to be work'n out at the gym i was a manager at...at the time...on her break from film'n the drop dead hysterical "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS" about MN beauty pagents...and she told me that someone had broken into her locker and stole everything outta it...i hadda $100 budget so i let her get a top and bottom that i would write off so she wouldn't be marinate'n in her sweaty gym gear back to the set (though to be quiet honest...at the time i thought "wait a minute...yer Ellen Barkin...you could probably own my sportshop...along with me...yer just fish'n me fer freebies") EH...oh well!
a couple years later...i would be work'n in uptown at LAVA LOUNGE
and in comes none other than STEEL MAGNOLIA's hair hopp'n bible beater DARRYL HANNAH who happened to be in town film'n some movie apparently and popped in to buy some roll'n papers...now i ain't say'n she has a drug issue...cuz she was super sweet...i'm just say'n i wished the fuck i had my kodak ektralite on me so i could'a snapped a couple of pix and sold em with the backstory to the national enquirer fer a small boat load of benjamins (hey...i was desperate that year)
by the middle 90's...after perform'n fer the 1st time on stage at the 90's
i was plucked from the 2ftx2ft box i was dance'n on outside of LAVA LOUNGE and asked to dance in some music video in my disco devil club boy look...that to this day i still ain't got a fuck'n clue who it was for...but i was paid $50 fer 15 minutes of work and knew i was on my way and almost a year later i would be perform'n in my 1st feature length film "HOMO HEIGHTS" starr'n the late great QUENTIN CRISP and CAROL CHANNING and OITNB lezbitronic funny gal LEA DELARIA...though my line got cut in the final cut...i'm still noticeable in the open'n sequence as the same dolled up disco devil club boy...though i only got a quick "hi" as QUENTIN walked past me in film'n at the Metro club in St Paul...LEA was a complete sweetheart by buy'n ice cream fer all the dancers in the club scene fer the 3 days of film'n cuz it was humid as hell cruel summer that year
the follow'n year i would get a taste of the small screen on daytime tv
starr'n on "THE JENNY JONES SHOW" though i applied to the ad state'n "were you shy and quiet as a kid and now that your all grown up your a drag queen? if so...give us a call" after my 15 minute phone interview...9 months later i was flown to Oprahville only to find out the title of the show was now called "you're too freaky to be famous" and though i thought i was gonna be on the show talk'n about my performances back home...JENNY told the audience as i watched on the monitor backstage before my entrance "next up is MATTRESS who says he's a bigger supermodel than Cindy Cawford" WTF??? it was completely a bait and switch scenario...and to add insult to injury...
JIM J BULLOCK of "TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT" fame was gonna judge me (i don't think so Mary) along with another local radio personality...well...turns out JIM was a gentleman...and even tired pick'n me up backstage after the tape'n...but i knew meet'n him on the cast'n couch in some seedy motel in some po-dunk town wasn't gonna do a damn thing to further my career more than his desperation
if you love that downtown sarcasstic yet politically poingant humorous
stories accompanied by a pair of mile high legs and a tune or two like i do...i wouldn't expect anyting less than sheer unsalted pleasure when i had the chance encounter with long legged bad ass beauty SANDRA BERNHARD in downtown Minne-Apple after one of her many performances that i made sure never to miss when she came to town
since i used to perform segments of her brilliant one woman show "
WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING" in my own act...so after one specific performance as the audience exited the entrance...i decided this was my moment to finally get the nerve to just pop backstage as if i were part of the silly lil clean up crew...and to my surprise i had bumped into SANDRA before she popped into the ladies loo...simply ask'n her fer a quick snap on my new motorola flip phone...to which SANDRA simply replied "WHY NOT!" and that lil commment has stuck with me ever since
the next time i would find myself meander'n the streets of the BIG APPLE
was in 2003 and i would be see'n the premiere of the brilliant BOY GEORGE musical "TABOO" on broadway that i was lucky enough to see the year prior in London's West End...as i waited patiently in the lobby suck'n on my overpriced cocktail with the other non judgemental theater goers with what i was wear'n...the lobby doors flung open...and in walked the money backer of this gloriously colorful production about the rise and fall of one of the 80's biggest pop staples...ROSIE O'DONNELL...without any hesitation as if we'd known each other fer years...i simply went up to her and asked if we could have a photo together...she obliged my request and i pulled out my instamatic throw-away (hey...it was before i owned a cell phone with camera functions so don't gimme any grief) that she had given to her assistant at the time and told me she hoped i enjoy the show...simple...to the point and no blubber'n breakdown or security call was needed
and last...at the very least...in the past 10 years i've either worked with
and or met...some of the most actual profesh and "ICONIC" performers in the biz...from JACKIE BEAT...SHERRY VINE...LADY BUNNY...COCO PERU and of course everyone's fav-o-rit hysterical hemmoroid that keeps popp'n up when you least expect it BIANCA DEL RIO
so there ya have it...my list of shoulder rubbers...i'm sure you've had yer
share yerself...but that means nothing to me unfortunately...just tune in next week fer pt2 "WALK OF FAME" (singers edition)
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
that was ALL my scrawny lil teenage angst riddled A-double snakes longed for...fer the the next 10 birthdays & christmas's combined (hypothetically speak'n of course...i mean come on...i was a teenager after all) 
with the other suedo shopko famous alcoholic wives...WHITESNAKE...open'n fer em
bike'n all over town just try'na do my part to clean up our fair city of Winona fer some coinage
