kiss'n my grits!

we've all had that one job at one point in our unimaginably annoy'n career

where you stop and think...damn...what the fuck am i still doin here?

sure...it might be alot easier to deal with yer mighty midlife crisis...by become'n some cock-suck'n pig-slutt'n daddy fuck machine fer the perverted and the desperately deserted...but really...i doubt yer pimp would've set up any sorta 401K fer yer future days so you could live slightly above uncomfortable in yer cardboard box you'd be forced into...in some deserted alley...play'n canasta with the neighborhood crackheads...until you decided to call it a nite

my previous employment at TCFUCKERS...where i was shackled to a cubicle fer the past 10 years...and kittens...make NO mistake...it's not cuz i loved ANY particular part of my position mind you the entire time i was there...i was just too lazy to commit suicide...you understand right?

after goin thru 3 boss's thru-out my stint there...my 1st bein' the worst (that i cannot confirm or be bothered to deny if this was her actual company photo) who docked me a quarter from my pay one year...cuz i showed up to work in a baseball cap...not fer a fashion statement or to defy the suppressed dress code mind you...it was only to cover up the allergic reaction i was have'n from the antibiotics i hadda be on after surgery...thanx in part to some A double snake who thought is was funny to watch me gasp'n fer oxygen as he tickled me to death one even'n

that turned every follicle open'n on my Sinead'd scalp into a scream'n rasberry under the cold unflatter'n florescent light'n we were forced to work under...which...in retrospect...i'm sure was highly illegal to do...but i was not gonna be pushed out the door by some vaginal wart with a chip on her rheumatistic shoulders...which was her ultimate goal that she failed so miserably at i'm almost positive of...basically...the only reason i stayed endured the bullshit all those years was cuz i liked a handful of my co-workers who kept me entertained thru-out the self imposed prison term

especially the red head who never gave me head...nor did i make it to his bed (well...except in my head)...that worked on my floor in another department...

that is until one day they told us...at yet another pointless meet'n...that the company would be move'n to burbville...

this was my way off the damn island of miss'n-the-mark every time muckee mucks

i could finally marinate my self worth in my "kiss my grits" moment...that i should'a done many a years earlier

BUTT...more of that thorn in my sumptuous side in the future

anywho'z'll ding...so after i cashed out my 401K and took a mini trip to 

the BIG APPLE with my now impeached prez and his secretary of my fan club of 2...i tried to decide where to next...months of flip flopp'n around like a fish outta unchartered waters after all these years...i thought....hmmm...i outta be my own boss fer once and decided maybe i should become an anal inspector for a company that never existed...(but could've...if i ever would'a got a donation to my gofuckme account) then i thought...i gotta lower the bar a lil further...

a cosmetic clown?

the pope of perpetual sorrow perhaps?

or why not the neighborhood peep'n patti?

9 months later as my bank account started to hemorrhage at the seams...

i decided to go back into the bank'n regime and landed a comfortably numb job with a cast of all new characters that i can say i get along with comfortably...and a boss that i actually think is as cool as a cucumber...with a splash of 7 and a twist of lime

i have NEVER been motivated by the almighty benjamins like many who seek that out in their a position that has the biggest chunk of change fer their piggy bank...i just prefer to be happy as a colostomitic clam...but i'll say that this new position was a considerable jump in pay from my last position...where i no longer hadda scrape by from paycheck to paycheck...and my self worth was finaly worth what i thought it should be

flash forward to 8 months later...and i was actually hunted down by my first head hunter...(not to be confused with me hunt'n fer head pervie) it was a supervisory position at yet another financial institution and i hadda decide...do i press my luck and go fer the big bucks fer a change?...i mean...i was picked from a pool of 10...and was told...with my past experience in fraud...they were gonna offer me $20g's more than from my current position...and i didn't even have to lower my dignity britches

tick tock tick tock tick tock...

decisions...decisions...decisions...

after much comtemplate'n and dance'n around of what more i could've put on my plate financially...

i decided after 3 days...in the end...that i just was not gonna become another bitch in burbville for another position no matter what the cost...well...unless of course...they were to offer me somethin' like...i don't know...say...

then perhaps i could'a been persuaded to put up with all the sexually repressed soccer moms and their nauseate'n novels about their kids and casseroles...cuz really...the only way yer gonna get me to venture into burbville...is if it was in someone else's end...fer some change...AAAAAAND they gave me gas money fer come'n!

hey...unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionists of their own universe don't come cheap!

now get off my dress!

num yo ho...oh no!...really?

i've always wanted to ride around the midnite skies on a broomstick...

half that wish came true...now if i can only learn how to fly...HA!

to be part of some sorta coven of cackle'n colostomy carry'n tea baggers

one of my all time fav-or-it shows i used to watch as a small child when i would visit my grama’s house that dealt with cast'n spells and conjuration...

i'm talk'n about the original witch series from the 60's

and not that piece of refried crap-o-rama version...

that the new millennium non verbal communicative generation ignored

starr’n Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens…

the perfect suburban housewife…who just happens to be a witch!

and her flamboyantly colorful spit-fire of a mother...Endora

with her flame red locks...electric blue shadow and egyptian eyeliner...no self indoctrinate'n queen over the age of 80's Molly Ringwaldness would live without when they wanted to camp it up fer the nite

and how could you ferget the lilest witch of them all…Tabitha

the original Olsen Twin 

(don’t feel like a total anal wart…i only found out Tabitha was played by twins while doin' research fer this very important and extremely educational blog)

then of course there were those 3 bad ass witches from Eastwick

but the most famous of all would be the bitchiest witchiest from the west

and her sugar plum saccharinated schoolmate from the northside of town

the QUEEN even played the stylish witch Elspeth in the movie "Four Rooms"

of course who didn't love the self centered SUPREME on AHS...

while all these super natural sisters possess some sorta super natural hocus pocus powers with the twitch of their nose or the zing of their fingers...there was that one period of time during the 1600's...

when it wasn't really in vogue fer them if they were accused of being one

but none of these lovely ladies compares to the hocus pocus i experienced myself a while ago back on a pilgrimage to an open house that i went to...

and before i begin…this is a TOTAL observation on my part…from MY point of view as an innocent on liquor…i mean on looker…at a bullshit BUDDHIST gather'n

but trust me…i’d wish i was on liquor half way thru this rodeo show!

now Buddhism and Hinduism are sorta a cross stitch religion that seek the wisdom more than the worship...but i ain't got time to break them down fer ya...so feel free to wikipedia yer A double snakes away anytime ya want!

to begin...traditionally...a buddhist monk is rapped in like 300 count orange bed sheets from some sorta bed bath and beyond buddha shop...

with a very closed cropped hair style...to cut down on the shampoo bill

to get a better picture in yer mind...think Sinead O'connor...

but with alot less grammy nominations

they have a good eye for the use of bright and cheerful colors...

unlike that other store bought religion that's more torturous on the eyes

but if ya ask me…it’s just like that imaginary pillow factory in the sky that the other religion believes in…only yer on some kinda hocus pocus acid trip

when ya boil em all down in the big melt'n pot of life though…

they basically all just say’n be NICE to everyone!

so of course who hasn't heard of the Tibetan BUDDHA...

(if ya haven't...this is it folks)

then there's KRISHNA...the most popular well known of the Hindu g*ds

think they might have a copyright infridgment lawsuit againt these guys...

pretty much the same look...but with alot less drag

then there's Hanuman...the monkey god...

who i'm sure had somethin' to do with make'n these monkeys...

into a very popular franchise since the 60's

and my fav-o-rit of all gods...is VIRAT SWARUPA...

it's like a poo-poo platter of personalities...it's like yer very own menage a trois..times 10...without all those messy STD appointments!

wasn't Sally Fields portrayal of this one to perfection?

so anywho as i was say'n...i sat thru my 1st session a while back...

(cuz there was no one interest'n in the area)

with a bunch of monks and burbanite raisin ranchers…humm'n and humm'n some hocus pocus chant from some unreadable comic book (shocker!)

when i realized they just sounded like a bunch of gereatrics...

try'n to jump start a jeep parade

then throw in the occasional dinner bell...

which i read no indication in the comic book i couldn't fuck'n understand nor follow in the first place...about when the ring'n of the dinner bell should occur

and you got a very underground version of the Tabernacle Choir...but trust me...the Tabernacle Choir doesn't have to worry about gett'n voted off on the next season of "chant"n with the religious stars" anytime soon

as one of the zombies…i mean chanter's…(and this i cannot confirm nor deny since i chose not to partake in this ritual) passed out some sorta grits and bacon bits to the unmalnourished flock…(GEEZ…what am i think'n) i mean the starve'n space cadets…i’m think’n…i'da wished i hadda V8...

with some stoli in it!...and no where in the program does it state that you are to eat only half…and give the rest as an offer'n to fill the Buddha's belly

now here me out… wouldn't it be more prudent…and far more practical…time wise let's say…if this REALLY needs to be part of the gong show…(i mean ceremonial festivities)…to only let the catatonic crowd take what they need to devour…and leave the rest for the sacrificialess ceremony?

cuz trust me…fer us new comers forced into this atmosphere under false pretenses or those who've gathered cuz they have no clue what to do with themselves religiously…you see someone come’n at you with a plate of…

twigs and berries…i’m sorry…but g*d or no g*d...it's hungry hungry hippo time at this point of the game…let the g*d find his or her own table scraps…i was hungry!

and apparently so was the one sitt'n next to me…cuz when the waiter came

back fer the offer’n…there was none to be had...ummm…sorry charlie!

half the congregation at this point had no clue what page everyone was on after the ceremonial offer'n of the table scraps...and i no longer had zero interest in partake'n in this hocus pocus focus group anymore…and my prayer was answered when someone came in behind me and i generously offered up my seat and made a b-line back to reality

now i may sound like i got a stick up my Vishnu...

but hey……ya never get a second chance to make a first impression...

well…unless of course yer Pete Burns from "you spin me around" fame

but to my credit....i sorta had already dabbled in this once before...
when Boy George was inspired by the hari krishna's and Buddha

back in the early 90's with his short lived band JESUS LOVES YOU

and wrote a complete album of songs with the tambourine players in mind

called "THE MARTYR MANTRAS"..."BOW DOWN MISTER" was sorta the top 10 long distance dedication to the religion

but unlike most organized religions look'n fer hand-outs…from my quick classes via wikipedia…this is the one that seems less about condemn'n non heterosexual man on non heterosexual man action …say'n that ALL sexual gratification will not lead you to the "path of enlightenment"…which is where apparently they wanna go in their next life

upon further exploration though...turns out that the reign’n Dali Lama...

who soon will be reliquish'n his crown…stands by the traditional Buddhists rules about sexuality

that the 69 position...

butt pirate'n...

and shillelagh schlack'n...is forbidden by ANYONE!

well…that leaves me out from ever contribute’n or convert’n to their cause…i’m sorry…but i can find more ways to enlightenment with my rusty ol' right hand!

so in close’n…glad those that do practice this form are less judgmental than most store bought religious brands...but currently i have no plans on join’n this hocus pocus focus group anytime soon either in the future...

kapeesha Ganeesha!

you worship your religion as much as you see fit yer way...

and i'll worship MINE!

practice it without preach'n it…

BUTT...

puhleez...get off my dress!