SPANK IT ON A BING BONG!

oh the 80's...what a decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high hair...

very high shoulders...

and a very high life!

BUTT...nonetheless

though MICHEAL JACKSON's 1982 hit "BEAT IT" may have been a very

titallate'n subliminal message catered towards all those active testosteroned teenrage'n hormone's...it was lost in translation to me (i just seriously wanted that fuck'n killer jacket)

fer me however...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find the best

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenrager years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs when my parachute pants would get so "tight" they were ready to burst at the seams many many times durin' the day (thank you trapper keeper fer keep’n me covered) which without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a whole new mean'n to the word "carpet burns" (that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise)

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger of them all JEFF STRYKER with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "DANCING WITH MYSELF" "IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR" enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "COOL RIDER" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S" MAXWELL CAUFIELD is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in "GREASE 2" play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer MICHELLE PHIEFFER's affection and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury down south to own all yer own teeth...

not an actual specific requirement...thankfully though...these 2 "GOOD OL' BOY'S" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County (though they weren't kiss'n cuz's) they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time...just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when MICHAEL SCHOEFFLING played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in this cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...however...the cherry on top of his career (that i secretly wanted to be on the bottom of) would have to be when he had condoms named after him (that i do own stock in!)

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...JON was the grrrrrravey that mashed my potatoes when it came time to spank'n the monkey with the BIG BEN!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic "HE-MAN" appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 seasons...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST" with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T from tv's dramedy "THE A-TEAM" was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perfectly perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well...that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane kittens...i'll leave you 

alone so you can start "TURN'N JAPANESE" on yer own

now if you wood...would you excuse me while i huff and puff and blow 

someone else's house down fer some pocket change...so puhleez kindly GET OFF MY DRESS!

GHOSTLY APPARITIONS

have you ever believed that there's somethin' beyond the graveyard?

Winona Ryder found out all about the existence of the afterlife that helped her deal with her own miserable mortality in "BEETLEJUICE" 

it made Demi believe there really was life after death...thanx to Whoopi use'n her body as some sorta sexual vortex fer her in  "GHOST"

recently dearly departed lead singer PETE BURNS of the band DEAD OR ALIVE...sung all about "just a ghost with a long long dead affair" with their ghostly 1986 smash hit "SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE"

of course not everything about the afterlife is a bed of roses as ROBIN WILLIAMS found out with his utterly severe allergy attack in "WHAT DREAMS MAY COME"

though i grew up forced into attend'n those apocalyptic voodoo classes 

with the other CASPER crusaders...i was never one to believe in anything they had to say past the age of 13...h-o-w-e-v-e-r...

i've had my run-ins with ouija boards...

and dabbled in the occasional séance over the years... 

in spite of that...did i ever mention about the other dimension that i've had contact with?

the first time was with my Grama Viola...i'd just gotten off bein' a highly 

paid drug bunny (hey...get yer mind outta the gutter ya dirty lil kitten...i know what you were think'n)  fer the government...when i got a call one early morn'n in '93 from my cuz Heather tell'n me that she had passed away in her sleep at 87...i was inconsolable at the time since i had just spoke with her the nite before lett'n her know that i planned on move'n back home and in with her to help her out around the house...once my study was completed...she was like a rock of security i had never really had before from anyone after i lost my dad from years earlier...she took me fer who i was without pass'n any sorta judgment...even sew'n my very first Elvira dress fer halloween in '85...but about a couple weeks later after her pass'n..

i remember sitt'n on her couch at her house on 3rd street with her only daughter (my aunt Ellen) while she was kick'n back her motorized cream colored lift chair and leaned over to us smile'n and said everything was ok and from then on all of a sudden she had disappeared and i woke right up in bed as if i'd seen a ghost...nonetheless everything from that moment on seemed ok to me know'n that she told me she was ok

almost 20 years later (and the only real love of my life Mike) thus far who

i had nicknamed HEMAN fer obvious reasons and would spend 4 1/2 thunderous roller coaster years together...decided to call me one day 2 years after i had ended the relationship (though i decided to hold on to some "sorted friendship") on my lunch break...break'n down (which he never had done durin' our whole time together) tell'n me that he found out he had some sorta cancer and that the doctors couldn't figer out what it was and he was gonna start chemo...all i had thought then was WAIT! they don't just dole out chemo like it's candy...they have to know what kind of chemo to give you in the first place...however my only response at the time was stunned...

well cuz i only had 20 minutes left on my lunch break and i was a starve'n marvin...nonetheless...i assured him people with cancer live years with the treatments they had available (he was 18 years older than me at the time (i was 42...you do the math smarty pants) anywho'zll'ding...

we kept in contact fer the next 6 month religiously every week fer about an hour talk'n about anything and everything under the sun...he was always good at return'n my calls within minutes if he happened to be preoccupied at the time when i called...though one day i would not here from him all day...so by the next day i would call and leave another message with no response...i kept this up fer 4 weeks wonder'n why all of a sudden did he stop return'n my calls...the only thing that went thru my mind was that he either fergot to pay his cell bill and it got cut off or he changed his number and fergot to save my number in his new cell

then one nite...i found myself all dressed in black...walk'n down a long

 peer to a white beach with the flame'n sun beat'n down on me as i tried to hide my delicate milky white skin under my black laced parasol (what...you don't have one? huh...too bad fer you then!) so all of a sudden i see someone walk'n along the wave lines on the sea and as they got closer it was my Mike...with a smile on his face...he stretched out his arm to me and simply said "hey Matty why don't you come with me for a walk" i replied with my token answer i'd always give'n him whenever he wanted me to do stuff outside under the sun with him "Mike...you know i hate the sun on my skin" his reply to me was "i know Matty...well i gotta go" and i said goodbye while Mike kept on walk'n along the beach...i had turned around and headed up the peer and as i turned around to get one last look to say goodbye...he was gone with the wind and i woke up all of a sudden and completely content that we got to say good bye!

by the time i had made my way to work that morn'n...somethin' told me

 to log his name into google and to my complete and utter surprise...HEMAN had died exactly 1 month prior to the day i had the dream...i do believe that was his way of tell'n me to stop call'n cuz he was no longer pick'n up his cell

my godmother and the closest relation that i had any real connection with

 since my Grama Viola...was my aunt Ellen...who always went way above and beyond fer me fer many many years ever since i was young...by give'n me my 1st sip of beer as a small child and realize'n my palette was made fer a much more refined distillery...take'n me to my 1st trip that i can ever remember outside of my state to South Dakota with her offspring's when i was 11...and lett'n me pick where i wanted to go...just like i was one of her very own kids (i chose Flintstones Park...why not!) and many times i would save up my paper route money or collect'n recyclable cans thru-out my teenage angst years to buy a bus ticket outta dodge to one of her many places she was live'n in at the time and stay with her fer the week

once i had made my way to the Minne-Apple in 1990...we would become 

even closer and go on many walks over the years...from the Mall of Hysteria on the weekends in the winter times with pit stops at our fav-o-rit therapy session...Fat Tuesdays...to replenish our fluids...to many walks around the many parks thru-out the metro area

halloween was always my fav-o-rit time of the year...Ellen even offered to make her tasty potato soup fer my murder mystery party one year...we would spend a good chunk of halloween nites together in my 30's dress'n up and go bar hopp'n in Burnsville before i would hit downtown Minneapolis with my friends...that is until one halloween...when she went out as Hillary Clinton in a cape in 2008 (i'm assume'n the look was a blood suck'n politician she was goin for...not anything against Hillary as she was very much for her) and i was lil red ride'n hooker...however...a lil trip to the boys room to powder my nose and retuck my stuck tuck was a bit of an awkward moment fer the 4 urinal warts unleash'n their belches and bladders and one say'n with a shit grin form'n on his face and lick'n his lips "ma'am yer in the wrong room" to which i replied in my best frog clogged voice "don't worry...you ain't my type" of course his only logical retort was" yer a fuck'n dude?" ummm yea...it was time to go!

Ellen was always one of my most supportive fans come'n to many many of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe performances over my 23 years in the biz at the time...

even make'n it to my last performance 8 years ago when i hosted the official (and highly successful i might add) REBEL HEART party at some shit hole bar in downtown Minnehopeless

we had spent many a holidaze together in one form or another thru-out the years...the last holiday we spent together was at her son's place in Eagan, MN...a friend had tagged along with to help doll her up fer the easter festivities...they hit it off like they'd known each other fer years...goin on like 2 chatty Kathy's

she told me once as a small child if she took care of me at the time...that i would have to take care of her when she needed it later on in life...she would remind me of this from time to time over the years...and i did my best to keep that promise by help'n her out at her board and lodge business she was part owner of...to paint'n and clean'n her condo over the years in Burnsville...that even was featured in a small arty film i wrote fer one of the shows i was part of

one day...8 years back...i was asked to move in and help take care of her

 which the only issue i had was the distance to my work so i mentioned to help sell the condo and find somethin' closer to my work so i wouldn't have to do the long weekly commute (of which i was never a fan of cuz if it took me more than 15 minutes to get to work...i didn't wanna work there) so i set the ball in motion with a mutual friend to help hunt fer new digs that we both could dig

flash forward to 2 years later and i was blind sided as i'm sure she was

one day to hear from her that she was now goin to be put in "a home" that she had zero desire to ever be part of...even more so...once she was moved in their (though she was closer to me) i felt helpless after the talks we would have on the many nites i would stop over after work and go fer a walk around the block...she would only be in the home fer one month when i received a call late one nite that my aunt had passed away under unfortunate circumstances (that she confided in me 4 days prior if one of her offspring's showed up) to say i was complete devastated is a complete understatement...there were no words to describe what was goin thru me that late even'n...i was a complete mute…

 ok...so i thought of one word (sue me) i never seen her pass'n as profit like others in the fam had (their intimidational tactics that was eventually thrown my way was a waste of time and pathetic)

2 weeks would go by and i would be lay'n in bed and would see a bright 

blurry light make'n it's way thru a succession of fast paced black shadows...as the light made it's way thru the shadows...it became more luminescent and all of a sudden i could see it was my aunt Ellen...in a white puffy jacket wear'n her fav-o-rit green hat...walk'n up to the edge of my bed...wave'n with her irish grin on her face and said to me "H-E-L-L-O...how are you?" i remember say'n to her "i had this weird dream that everyone was tell'n me you were dead" then i realized she was really gone and i was wake'n up from a dream inside of a dream...

she walked over to the side of my bed as the shadows kept move'n around her and as the light kept glow'n brighter around her...she leaned down said "don't worry everything is ok...i'm with Eugene" (her eldest brother who was stand'n quietly next to her) and as she leaned into me to give me a hug her body had completely dissipated into a blackness and i woke up...wide awake and completely relieved she was finally ok

HUH...well believe what you wanna believe...i still here from only these 3 off and on over the years so when my time expires i know i'm not worried!

enjoy some spooky tunes by click'n here and GET OFF MY DRESS!

I AIN’T CLOWN’N AROUND

with the season of madness and mayhem now in full bloom...it's time fer

  sweater weather...whether you like it or not and if yer A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G like me (you of course can subtract 10 points immediately from yer personality if you ARE NOT...oh and also loose my number while yer at it kitten cuz i ain't got time to explain myself anymore) anywho'zll'ding...that means it time to cuddle up to some chilly thrillers with my personal choice involve'n anything clown or clown related and of course my all time fav-o-rit bein' the colorful campiness from 1988 titled "KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE"

then there's the retell'n of the killer clown from 2017 known as PENNYWISE from the brilliant STEPHEN KING novel "IT"

the lesser known creepiness from 2019 is "WRINKLES THE CLOWN" who you could supposedly call to scare the live'n fecal matter outta the colons of kids in the sunshine state 

and lastly on my list of overly painted bozo bastards is "VULGAR" from 2000 about a miserable bday party clown fer unappreciative pint sized shit buckets struggle'n to make ends meet...who loves and lives his career path until he decides to go out on a limb by expand'n his horizons and become a gay clown stripper fer bachelor parties in New Jersey and soon regrets his decision

once my marathon of clown carnage was completely over i had laid back  

in bed with my peek-a-boo pj's on and wrapped in my Tracey Turnblad cock roach comforter... 

with my mug completely molested in a St Ives mint julep mud mask...it got me to think'n about all the past killer clowns i've had run in's where i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...

could'a easily been written in as some tawdry yet twisted movie of the week!

BUTT...let's get to it shall we?

so let's go back in time to the spring of 1990 when i was on my lil lunch 

break at the Children's Theater in the Minne-Apple and had discovered an ad at the back of the local fag rag i was flipp'n thru at the time...about meet'n local singles in the area...well...me bein' just'a spring chicken plucked from the bowels of a small minnesotan town to fend fer myself in the big cold hard city...i was like a lotus flower ready to bloom so i called the line and a week later i decided to meet my very 1st big city kinky clown at a local non heterosexual intoxication station in the downtown Minne-Apple area on 18+ nite since i was just barely 20 at the time

this was before i was with car...so i basically hadda check on flight schedules from St Paul to Minneapolis to meet this guy...cuz i was tired of the 3 bus transfers i hadda take to work on a daily basis that always was a fuck over moment when the weather was bad or cuz some road rage'n rectal pirate hadda get to Costco Crazy Daze Deals before the sale ended on anchovies and briskets by cutt'n off someone in front of my bus

by the time i had reached our desired destination...i reluctantly fergot my 

ID back at my place of residence at the time and i was not about to rebook a flight back just to get it...unfortunately the gammorean guard at the front door hadda cop an attitude with me and couldn't be bothered in the slightest by my desperate pleas to just let me pass on by...

even after batt'n my daddy long leg lashes at him...

so i waited patiently across the street at some primitive speak'n station fer roughly 10 minutes to see if said phone trade would come out and recognize me

minutes later...what looked like the description of the gentleman caller 

that i had secretly lusted after in my mind from bus to bus as i made my way to downtown Minneapolis (hey...you gotta step inside my mind fer just a minute to understand where i was goin with this) anyways...he would cross the street and we exchanged typical bullshit banter fer about 5 minutes and though he fit the description he mentioned on line fer the most part (well except fer the part how he had inverted the numbers he used to describe himself) he compared himself to savory sveedish meatballer DOLPH LUNGREN...

though he resembled more of a sveedish meatball with an over grown cum catcher to cover up his snaggle teeth and marinate'n in paco rabanne cologne so of course you can imagine how i would feel some sorta hesitation in me...

only cuz this would be the 1st time i thought i was gonna become deflowered...perhaps!

he asked me if i wanted to go to his place in uptown...and me bein' totally

unfamiliar with the Minneapolis area and it's surround'ns at this point in time...i asked him where uptown was and he explained it was only about 5 miles away (keep in mind kittens...it's 10:30pm on a warm spring weekend...with winds outta the west at 10 to 15 miles per hr) so i asked where his car was and his response was that he didn't have one but it was such a nice nite out that he suggested we just walk instead of cabb'n it back to his butcher shop...i mean bungalow

now here me out...i don't mind a dance in the dark...a drink in the dark

hell...i don't even mind a dick (or 2) in the dark...but there ain't no way in H-E-double hockey stix that i am walk'n 5 miles thru the dimly lit streets of some city i knew nothing about at the time...though i remember he said we could take a short cut thru some Loring Park and it wouldn't be as long...i still resisted and said i was gonna hop on the bus back to St Paul and i would never hear from my 1st date ever again...

well except fer the fact that he called me the next day ask'n what i thought of a 2nd date so i thought don't be a prick about it and told him politely that i was look'n fer someone closer to the top of the food change...i mean closer to my age!

forward to a year later and i was now live'n in the uptown area with my

very 1st roomie at the time Doug (who i no longer dig anymore just FYI) we were as inseparable as a moth to a flamer (in a non sexual way) bs'n one lazy afternoon when he came home from a difficult day at the park (hey...i don't judge people's professions...i just report 'em) he happened to have the latest fag rag in his hand that he tossed it on our coffee table...which H-E-L-L-O (we were almost 22 after all) consisted of a large microwave box covered in a printed pillow case...

like most under privileged rectally retarded roomies had done with limited income at the time...cuz we were more concerned about the 3D'sd (dance'n...drink'n and dick'n our days away)

i happened to notice the guy on the cover as the 1st date i ever had when

i came across him on the phone line on one non productive day at work scrubb'n out the urinals just try'na pass time a year earlier...i thought to myself as i picked up the rag...damn...he's in the paper on the front page and i was too damn lazy to walk with him to his dwell'ns that one windy spring nite...what was i think'n?

turns out that it was a good thing that i had listened to the flutterbies in my 

gut that even'n fer a change...cuz 2 months after our dismal date...it turns out my date had gunned down 21 year old Joel Larson in Loring Park in the back...and then a month later...he went after former state senator 48 year old John Chenoweth with his 19 year old trick of the nite Cord Drazst...at bare ass beach along the Mississippi river...luckily fer Drazst though he was able to bar hop with his buddies after that horrible incident...that i would run into on occasion while bar hopp'n...that is....until he was 32 ((leave it to my dearest friend Peetrinella and her X to indoctrinate me into non discretional pick-up life at bare ass beach in the midnite hour just a year earlier) apparently my "date" aspired to be the latest serial killer at that moment in time (everyone's gotta have goals i guess)

don't even get me started about the 3 days after i'd moved to Milwaukee..

in the winter of 1992 and the Dahmer trials where all over the front pages (not that i hadda worry if he wasn't caught yet...well...cuz he only liked dark meat apparently)

or how i used to check in Andrew Cunanan at the gym i was work'n at downtown once i had moved back to Minneapolis before he went on his shoot'n spree...

or my other date i had met in my early middle 20's late one nite or early one morn'n (depend'n on how you wanna look at it) who's left prosthetic arm fell off onto my entry way floor when i let him inside my apt (just a simple minor detail he fergot to mention to me when we were chatt'n on line i guess) now don't get me wrong...

i have absolutely zero issues with the handicap so don't turn this into some PC picket parader on my supple snow white A-double snakes...nonetheless...i informed Dr Hook that it would be best if he could kindly just pick up his appendage and look fer another peter'd pansy to poke at that nite!

then there was that one time pre-wanna-be-serial-killer-date...in the hot

summer of 1990 when i was wait'n fer my cuz's hubs to pick me up from St Paul on the corner 3 blocks from where i currently reside...when this juiced up shirtless hot tamale pulled a gigantor hunt'n knife on me late one nite and told me to "get off his block" and that is a direct quote (cuz apparently...2 nites later someone did not take his demands so seriously)

and lastly was the time i hadda save a failed fling from his "str8" married 

feckless fuck from Fridley that he had met online (the same place i had met my 2nd fling a month later in 1990) and said fling had lured him into false pretenses to pick him up and gett'n a free ride over to my apt in hopes of a meaningful menage a trois i guess without my knowledge and without give'n him "the ride of his life" like he had promised apparently so i was left to MEAN GENE OKERLUND this impromptu cage match in my front yard on the corner of crackville avenue and hooker junction in the wee hours of the nite with these 2 unhinged horny hustler's (and honestly...i should'a got paid fer that one!)

if i were a cat...statistics say i should have only about 3 more lives left...

so until another clown comes along...GET OFF MY DRESS!