just do it!

as we step knee deep into the season of stampede's and sore knees

simply know as 2 more fuck'n months of buy'n into a bunch of bullshit market'n must-have's that you always end up regrett'n you wasted yer hard earned benjamins on in the 1st place...just to make a bunch of greedy assholes return it the second you've turned yer back...

all cuz yer still try'na pass of that damn monstrosity of gelatinous breaded hell that's been passed down from generation to generation at every holiglazed meals with yer loved ones...that no sane person has ever bitten into since the 1960's

now...it seems insane that most of us can spend hours on end...

try'n pick out the perfect slutenstein outfit fer hweenie weekend just so you can be the 1st one in line at the free clinic to get a shot of penicillin in yer A double snakes...just cuz of a few regrettable "mistakes" after one too many roofied shots...

or we can stand in some long ass line til the wee hours in the morn'n...just to save 10 benjamins on some electronical device you'll be bored with 10 minutes later

BUTT...

you can't muster up enough energy to drag yer lazy unmotivated dilapidated A double snakes to the vote'n booth...

especially with ALL that has happened since our unfortunately dementedly deranged and absolutely delusional piece of orange pig shit has spewed out since 2016...incite'n utter chaos and give'n rise to such vile brain dead lobotomized aryan deplorable's who've decide to take the law into their own hands

start'n with Heather Heyer in Charlottesville

then most recently Maurice Stallard and Vickie Jones in Louisville

and 11 more in Pittsburgh this past weekend...then their blood is on yer hands...hypathetically speak'n!

not the mention this mentally deranged pipe bomb'n piece of shit...desperately yearn'n to be a lifetime movie of the week

at this point...it's pointless to try and convince ANY brain dead... 

lobotomized deplorable or ANYONE who tries to defend our unfortunately dementedly deranged and absolutely delusional piece of orange pig shit's actions in ANY sort of way...

cuz they're all marinated in the kool-aid fer far too long

no...my plea goes out to all those between 18-34 that are try'na decide...

whether or not to stay home next NOV 6th...cuz you stayed out too late the nite before...doin blow jobs's fer a BLT and a bloody mary's...or in case you've happened to have spawned a couple of puke buckets...just make sure to sit them down...whether they be yer daughters...sons...nephews or nieces...and let'em know it's perfectly OK to let guys just grab 'em by the pussy whenever they feel the urge...

and there is no whine'n when gynecologically challenged pillsbury dough toads tell you what yer gonna do with yer bodies

it's perfectly OK to shoot or be shot at by whomever...as long they're not yer part of yer own pure breed...no teeth necessary...aryan race

that all their speedy gonzales friends belong on the other side of the fence...

and that Ahmad Rashad and those with his skin tone outta quit complain'n and stick to train'n!

though if you happen to have a pulse left in yer body fer humankind...

help the rest of us sane compassionate democracy riddled heathens drown that mother fucker's bullshit policies all the way down board next tuesday...PERIOD!

now get off my dress..and VOTE!

skipp'n in the graveyard

with only a lil over a week from the wickedest nite of the year...

where all H-E-double hockey stix breaks loose

ummm...let me clarify...i'm not talk'n about the midterm elections

but since we're on the subject...finish choke'n down those caramel nuggity treats by nov 6th...and VOTE like you've neva voted before...human decency depends on it!

in the mean time kittens...since the crypt keeper had a play date with

the original top 20 countdown'n crooker a few years back...i hadda pull out the ouija board and try and make a connection...but no such luck...so i've decided to take over the reigns as the unintentionally internationally unknown top 20 countdown hostess of my own universe...

to keep yer toes a tapp'n while dance'n with the devil in yer best whore-ish look this hallowed eve...let's begin...shall we?

come'n in at # 20...MICHAEL JACKSON

"THRILLER"

no halloween season would be complete without this zombie classic from 1982

#19...ROCKWELL

"SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME"

with a lil back-up help from the famous gloved one from above...this 80's jheri curl gave paranoid schizophrenics everywhere a voice

#18...NORMA TANEGA

"YOU'RE DEAD"

this hippie chickie beatnicke tells the dead to get yer affairs in order before ya start kick'n up daiseys

#17...MARILYN MANSON

"THIS IS HALLOWEEN"

originally sung by Danny Elfmann fer the Tim Burton classic "Nightmare Before Christmas"...turned out to be a satanic masterpiece fer the devil's prodigy child

#16...CHER

"HELL ON WHEELS"

before she was "dressed to kill" on her sold out tour...this raven beauty turned back time in her roller skates...ummm...that's like an ancient physical artform to the instant oatmeal generation

#15...RACHEL SWEET

"VOODOO"

best known fer sing'n the open'n theme on John Waters classic "HAIRSPRAY"...this lil kitten opened fer Bill Cosby in Vegas before she was a teenager

#14...ANNIE LENNOX

"LOVE SONG FOR A VAMPIRE"

this mousketeer's masterpiece was the theme song to Bram Stroker's DRACULA...cuz blood suckers need love to ya know

#13...MADONNA

"DEVIL WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"

the QUEEN known fer her pop infused ballads...conjured up love fer even Lucifer's fallen angel with this haunt'n ballad

and now...a long distance dedication to a lil girl from Michigan

who sold her soul...among a few other unmentionables...just to have a career...her letter reads..."now i lay me down to sleep...i pray the lord my soul to keep...fer if i die before i wake...i pray the lord i still have hitz to make"...well lil girl...here's yer long distance dedication from this drop dead Barbie doll KIM PETRAS

 

feature'n the MISTRESS OF THE DARK ELVIRA with "TELL ME IT'S A NIGHTMARE" who i had the pleasure of a private one on one with back in the 90's in her trailer...don't believe me...ask my dear friend Peetrinella...cuz they all hadda wait outside in the freeze'n cold that nite...and now...back to the countdown

come'n in at #12....FRANK N FURTER

"SWEET TRANSVESTITE"

this lil saucy number got caught up in the spider's web since the 70's and has been entertain'n the masses ever since with it's interactive applications

#11...RAMONES

"PET SEMATARY"

theme song to the Stephen King classic bare'n the same name...these guys were responsible fer the 3 chord thrash and punk sound...this was one of their biggest hits and a constant staple in their live shows

#10...NAHPI (N AMERICAN HALLOWEEN PREVENTION INITIATIVE)

"DO THEY KNOW IT"S HALLOWEEN"

the only charity song to hit my countdown...this fairly unknown tribute benefited UNICEF in 2005...with it's patronize'n attitude towards other charity singles like "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"...it's considered a complete classic to the undead...gathered together by a cast of spooktacular talents like ELVIRA...BECK...PEACHES...among many others

#9...LORI CHACKO

"ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY"

 Lita Ford and Dale Bazio's love child was part of the best camp horror movie ever "ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK"...she'll drive a stake right thru yer earlobes

#8...NATCHA ATLAS

"I PUT A SPELL ON YOU"

this middle eastern twist on a classic will surely lobotomize yer mind

#7...KATE NASH

"SKELETON SONG"

easily mistaken as british singer LILY ALLEN...well...cuz that's who i thought it was til i researched the song...this lil number will surely rattle yer bones

#6...FRANK SINATRA

"WITCHCRAFT"

ol' blue eyes made it with the best of em back in his hay days by putt'n em under his spell with this smooth spellbind'n number

#5... DUSTY SPRINGFIELD

"SPOOKY"

a ghoulish lil ditty that'll surely put you in a devilish mood

#4...EARTHA KITT

"RATHER BE BURNED AS A WITCH"

a multi talented performer...best known as the villainous vixen Catwoman in the original Batman series in the late 60's...she purred like no other on earth

#3...LONE JUSTICE

"WAYS TO BE WICKED"

before song bird MARIA MCKEE broke out on her own...she fronted fer the band...who i had the pleasure to throw back goldschlagger shots on the back of her tour bus with my good friend Lisa when Maria played at First Avenue in the Minne-Apple in '96

#2...BOY GEORGE

"SATAN'S BUTTERFLY BALL"

though this chameleon was known fer a string of hits thru-out the 80's...he proved he could rock it out like the rest of em on the release of his brilliant hard edged masterpiece with a message "cheapness and beauty"

and my #1 all time fav-o-rit haunted hit...DEAD OR ALIVE

"SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE" 

the quintessential anthem fer anything that goes bump in the nite...lead singer PETE BURNS will make you howl at the moon with his infectious voice while skipp'n thru the graveyard at midnite

well...there ya have it kittens...this years top 20 ghoulish hitz from beyond

the graveyard...thanx fer tune'n in...well...time fer me to get to hot glue'n and rehearse'n fer my ghoulish return as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist and hostess with the moistest mouth fer my return to the stage this sat oct 27th in WINONA MN at ED's NO NAME BAR...feel free to hop a plane if yer inclined to do so if you wanna come to the best hallowed eve's event around town...oh...and don't ferget to bring yer holla's and yer dolla's

now get off my dress!

sound WAVES!

though spooktober is my all time fav-o-rit time of the year when the MN

hillsides turn into an explosion of rich colors of red gold and...well not so much green...but hey i hadda tie in BOY somehow kittens...why not!

since CULTURE CLUB's new array of musical melodies from their latest album "LIFE" drops in just a few short weeks on the 26th which is thee perfecto treat fer all the snot nose trickers come'n fer hand-outs this hallows eve...think of it as yer personal duty to help curve the cavity's and diabetic epidemic plague'n the country...so fuck the mini snickers and stock up on "LIFE" and check out their latest video of their smash reggae-infused hit single "LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU"...and though the US leg of their tour is finished...my kittens across the ocean are in fer a treat...so grab tix to their beyond brilliant show here

there's an old say'n that someone apparently said years ago...that when 

the big one happens (and no i ain't talk'n about THAT BIG ONE pervie...well...not today anyways) 

now where was i?...oh yeah...when the BIG ONE actually does happens...

the only thing that will survive...will be cockroaches...and CHER!

after the impeccable success of her debut in MAMAMIA 2 sing'n the ABBA classic "FERNADO" as Meryl's mother

it's only fitt'n that CHER would once again rise up like a absofuckinglutely fantabulucious phoenix fer us flamers (and all you johnny-come-lately's)...and release her fuck'n 26th album "DANCING QUEEN"...completely chocked full of all the ABBA gems i grew up with

and of course...she wouldn't be the 72 year old goddess she is...without follow'n it up with yet  ANOTHER...(i ain't mad at that!) that i'm sure soon to be...sold out tour...so snap yer tix up here before it's too late

and though we sane people with morals and a mind of our own are 

hope'n fer a tsunami of blue waves this NOV 6...it can't happen unless you register to vote and remove the repulse repuglicunts from the house and senate...so register and vote...click here fer all the poll'n places in yer area

i always save the best fer last (who don't?) and this was actually by a  

pure unsalted accident the other day at work...search'n fer my next mental break down music

when i ran an equally important sorta wave from across the pond...Britain's living dead doll songstress HEATHER BARON-GRACIE from the indy pop band

"PALE WAVES"

think AVRIL LAVIGNGE meets THE CURE

i was 1st completely gobsmacked silly with my new years eve anthem from them...appropriately titled "NEW YEARS EVE"

so of course i hadda frantically hunt down A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G they had out there visually...and luckily...my 2nd fav jam from them is "HEAVENLY"...which it completely is...i swear to CHER!

if yer look'n fer the perfect life support song fer yer on-the-rocks relationship mixed cd? then "ONE MORE TIME" is the perfect last chance to dance tune

are you an emo without a clue how to appreciate them...play 'em "KISS" without say'n a word and they'll understand

what schizophrenic doesn't hear "NOISES"

suicidal tendencies finally have an anthem just fer them with "MY OBSESSION" that everyone can enjoy

Betty Ford beauties try to believe "THERE'S A HONEY" fer them besides jim beam

when 2 become 1 with"THE TIDE"

"TELEVISION ROMANCE" has absolutely NOTHING to do with the kankersoredashians!

and though a video was never released (yet)...grab a box of kleenex when you listen to 

"KARL (I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO DIE)"

i was BEYOND thrilled to find out that they're actually gonna be in my

sister city sat nov. 24th in St Paul MN @ the Amsterdam bar...so i immediately grabbed tix...get yer here's if you haven't yet...or catch em a few times on the road...you'll be glad you did!

so however you acquire yer musical catalog these days...just do it...pick up their brilliant fuck'n ear candy "MY MIND MAKES NOISES" out now

now get off my dress!