wrapp'n it up!

like the late great JOAN once said...(thanx to great hollyweird writers)

"i want you to tear down that bitch of a bear'n HATE wall...and put a window of EQUALITY were it ought to be!"

from the SUPREME'S sing'n their latest number 1 hit...

"STOP...in the name of non heterosexual love"

 Satan's sidekick toss'n her tea-baggage everywhere...

to a tongue lash'n twerker and a fuck'n DUCK jerker

strap on yer strap-on...and get ready to pop yer cork...

cuz it's gonna be one helluva ride as we take a road trip in reverse...look'n back at the year of the QUEER...the losers who wasted their wad...and everyone on the CRACK or in between it!

it all began with the destruction of D.O.M.A ...

just barely edge'n to victory...but did none the less....thanx in part...

to these feisty ol' feline's in their granny panties...lett'n us know...ya don't need to let it all hang out to make headlines and being old is new again

are ya listen'n up ladies?

which led to the demolition of PROP 8...

and led to a flood of states...like the land of 10,000 lakes...i mean 9,999 bottoms...(hey someone's gotta satisfy the masses...otherwise it'd be bumper car city) become'n #12...offer'n the non heterosexuals the same equal rights to milk the system and be just as miserable in matrimony and reap the bennies like their non homosexual counterparts

and of course...fer every lucky winner....

there's gotta be a LOSER...and these LOSERS lost BIG TIME!

from Brian bark'n like a lil bitch only to get his bitch ass buried in debt...Teddy show'n the country how to waste millions by try'n to bitch slap the Prez's healthcare...and poor Kenny bein' a bitch by try'na ban the jobs known as blow or punch'n into charlie's chocolate factory and lost his seat

and if that wasn't enough to settle yer unsettled stomach...

PUTIN didn't feel like play'n with the PUSSY...or join in any reinqueer games

which in turn...turned these neo nazi asswipes into Vlad vigilante's

but it wasn't just the politicians who raised non hetero holy hell...

these 3 not so wise men...lost the their flock along with the mind...by use'n the bible comic book as their defense to divide a nation to destroy a population...from Pat warn'n his audience of the San Franny non hetero's that wear Gollum's ring...lil Timmy tell'n us "they" were defeated by the bedazzlers..to big bad Billy-boy gett'n his britches in a bunch try'n to decipher the difference between kiddie-fuck'n catholic leaders and non hetero love'n breeders

and unfortunately...it wasn't all CHEERS with these QUEERS

alas...all wasn't lost in the land of the sexually repressed comic bookers...

as the Captain of the Casper crusaders rose up like a phoenix fer the flamers...went rogue and declared to the masses to let those non hetero's vogue...declare'n the church has more important things to worry about than Adam and Steve make'n monkey love in the garden of earthly delights

in music newz...the BOY became the MAN in maybelline...

with a richer voice and 70's vibe...and his first full length album in 18 years...BOY had penned thee most amaze'n comeback melodic melodies of the year...prove'n he still is THE KING of QUEENS!

to the girl who's still have'n fun 30 years on...

and become'n the 1st women to win a TONY fer best musical score on Broadway...inspired by the movie...congrats girl...you deserve it!

and in other musically challenged newz...

KATY PERRY had "ROARED" to the top...while BLAH BLAH released  "ARTFLOP"...and MILEY CYRUS just went fer the chop!

but just when ya think it couldn't get any worse...

we had to bid au revior to some of the great women who made all the difference in the 70's...

from EDITH who sang her heart out...to ANN who took it one day at a time...to CAROL who answer'd the phones...til she got promoted to Bart's teacher 20 years later

unfortunately...also join'n them fer the after party is....

 

the male persuasion known as...
 the CASH COW...the CRIME BOSS...and the CRITIC

and the bulb burnt out waaay too soon fer these guys who made us swoon

we also lost some great political figures across the pond...

from the 1st lady of parliament...to the 1st black president of the continent

some predictions never came true..and some predictions made them bank...

but do you think these predictors...predicted what was come'n to them?

can someone turns the lights up PUHLEEZ...thankyou!

and now my fav-o-rit topic to talk about...

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

i received some terrific prezzies this year under my xmess tree...

but by far my fav-o-rist of all was ALL 7 seasons of the MARY TYLER MOORE show from my dearest friend Jess...and ya know what...i am gonna make it after all!

and just when ya think it couldn't get better...it did...

i got rear ended the other nite after leave'n my friend's funeral...

well...not in the good way i might add!

of course the year wouldn't be complete without some tasty dish...

just add in some dope...a pinch of canadian crack...and drop in some tears of regret...

and you got yerself a catastrophe casserole that tastes like shit!

don't get too filled up...cuz A&E is serve'n up some craptastic delight...

called...DOOSH DUCK cake!

wait...ya know what? FUCK the DUCK...i'm not hungry!

and to top the year off with a batshit crazy cherry on top...

MN's very own clown...Shelly B...has decided to turn in her teabag...and help her husband homothespian sell homo-no-more lobotomy kits...

let's take a look back at her colorfully delusional career shall we!

well kittens...guess that'll be wrapp'n it up...so until next year...

now get off my dress!

yule tied me over til then

kittens...you should never judge a book by it's cover...

well...unless that cover...isn't delivered by that jolly fat ass this time of year on time...cuz he got arrested by some uncover cop with tinsel down around his ankles at yer local Barnes and Noble's restroom

still think'n of the perfect gift to give this season...fer some reason?

why not try some literary pieces of art fer that special someone...

or that not so special fucktard who can barely make it thru read'n the directions on a box of jell-o before they have a nervous break down

there's been many stories that have turned into motion pictures fer the small screen...and eliminated that waste of space fer that need to read...

fer example...holiday classic's like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...Frosty the Snowman...or this heart warm'n holiglazed classic...that will warm the hearts of millions of those unfortunate privileged fucks...to finally get their side of the story told on film...

 this is the untold story of what really goes on in the north pole...after ol' Saint Nick has spent years runn'n a sweat shop of hard work'n ungrateful elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline and loose'n his looks to his waistline...the misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing he wants as a reward is a plate full of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice...so he foregoes the WIC programmers and opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches and a low ball of cherry infused bourbon served by a lady of the nite...to drop his low balls onto

but  if yer literally look'n fer last minute literary words of wisdom without all that holiglazed cheer fer that special queer to read anytime of the year...
perhaps you might wanna choose one of these top 10 classics i found...that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor in the near future...

are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up is the total inspiration fer "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Pamela Anderson's "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one nite...

the story of Izzy Bigg and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert  as the bashful Izzy and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

set in a small but important Yugoslavian city...Aleksandar and Nicolette Vikashev hire russian asylum seeker Tali from Tobolsk as their live in houseboy to help around the house...

one even'n when Nicolette scampers on down to the local black smith to get her hooves polished...Aleksandar beckons Tali from his bedroom...who's soak'n in his tighty whiteys with a half bottle of raspberry Stoli in his grip...challenges Tali to a game of  mister twister...with bubbles and booze flow'n everywhere...the game heats up...but it's Aleksandar who gets burned when Nicolette comes home early and douses him in kerosene

starr'n Vladimir Putin as heterosexually challenged Aleksandar...Bridgette Nielsen as the amazonian wife Nicolette with a taste fer revenge...and the black smith down the road

and Tom Daley as the not so innocent wet-n-wild Tali

haven't quite titillated yer senses yet?...then how about...

well DUH!

this tells the tale of a  middle aged Yugoslavian wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...

gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's black smith

starr'n Bridgette Nielsen as the scorned web weave'n grave digg'n amazonian wife Nicolette...look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...Vladimir Putin as the politically closeted tulip sniff'n financier and 7th husband Aleksandar...with a taste fer bubble baths...and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the town's sun bath'n black smith beauty...Svetlana

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to the sequel in this trilogy of terror and intrigue...and learn how it ALL began

starr'n Vladimir Putin as the discretely distinguished and single financier "DADDY"...and Johnny Weir as the speed skate'n town tramp "TULIP" 

fer those on the DL...want'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...

Augustus ends up in Harlem...meets the man called Razer Blade...who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n Marcus Bachmann as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Snoop Dog as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife...if Augustus doesn't get the job done

oh wow...i almost fergot about my fav-o-rit nite time read...

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

find out what happens when you drop the soap...in the hysterical romp...

a true life docudrama about the life and times of  peruvian street whore...Rolando Rosado...doin what he can to make ends meet...jump'n from bed rooms to broom closets until he's caught sniff'n around where he doesn't belong and ends up doin hard time behind bars...where life is anything BUTT a bed of roses

starr'n Taylor Lautner as the down and out of his clothes faster than children runn'n from a burn'n build'n...Rolando...and Vladimir Putin as the comically hot headed prison warden with a taste fer peruvian protein shakes...
when these 2 meet in the showers...punishment...passion and pungent smells aren't the only thing fill'n the prison air

and last on my list of literary gems...is this master piece...

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for...when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party...as 5 floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata 

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders

well kittens...glad to help ya out with some terrific read's fer next year...

hear's hope'n you get exactly what's come'n to ya this season...

so until next year kittens...

enjoy this holiglazed classic retold by the one and only Jackie Beat...come'n soon to a theater near you...that is if you live near me 

now get off my dress!