the devil wears tacky khaki's

ever since i can recall not to really have any knowledge...

or really care to acknowledge the facts...the fact of the matter is...medicines and those who administer them...have done their damnedest to help with the ailments of those in need without any sorta greed

fer instance...dur'in the Macedonian period...circa 332 B.C....

follically challenged egyptians wrapped in their modesty cover made from 100% grecian muslin...would use medieval straw like apparatuses to suck the tears from those unsuspect'n hair-hopper'm workers that they would pillage in the break room fer free...to stop their pain from roll'n down their faces...thus cause'n their egyptian eyeliner to roll down their very unporcelained skin

by the turn of the century...when Cher's relations owned the America's...

fer a short period of time...by winn'n it from the Siberian Aztec's of Borneo...in a game of pin the tail on the totem pole...(before it was pillaged by the Pilgrims)...the medicine doctors would pack peyote in peace pipes like no one's business when it came to cure'n what ailed them...whether it be from the common cold...flu...or an accidental scalp'n...and all that was asked in payment was some hot canned fruit compote and some maze potato salad

virologist to the stars...Dr. Jonas Salk made history in april of 1955...

by invent'n a cure fer the cripple'n disease polio...and guess what kittens...
HE NEVER TOOK A DAMN DIME!

you would think he would lead by example...to anyone else try'n to eradicate any debilitate'n diseases from the face of the earth...but OH NO!...not dur'in the ME ME ME generation...not when there's a profit to be 

made kittens...let me introduce you to the title holder of the BIGGEST worthless non pillageable weasel in the world...32 year old Martin "the fucktard" Shkreli...who's not in the biz to help out the inflicted with those infected by the virus that causes AIDS...but rather in the biz of turn'n a profit outta people's pain to fill his off shore bank accounts

so this spoiled brat hedge fund fuckwad's company "turing pharmaceuticals" bought up the 62 year old drug "daraprim"which costs roughly $1 to produce...used to combat "toxoplasmosis" which is a condition caused by some asshole parasite that exists in about 25% of the pre-puberty population in the US alone...but also has dire consequences fer those unborn brats of expectant mommies to be and immunocompromised kittens like those live'n with AIDS

originally the cost was $13.50 per pill...but once this spineless lech bought the rights to the drug...he drug the price thru the roof to $750 a pill...state'n simply that other drug companies were "give'n it away" and he needed his company to turn a profit no matter what the cost...kittens...that's a 5000% increase over nite

let's unfortunately go back to where it all began when this apparent "boy genius" known fer his investment intuition in the millionaire circles...started as a 17 year old intern fer the tv show "MAD MONEY"...and branched out into his 1st company "retrophin" but was eventually fired from said company fer his sheisty biz practices...who is also now under federal investigation fer insider trade'n and fraud...SHOCK!

what does Captain DooshRag like to do on his down time when he'd not try'na gouge out the down and out you might ask...well of course he likes to spend his down time try'na find the perfect partner in crime to help him count his dimes...

recently this saucy and very sluethy brunette girl with emphysema...Eve Peyser...was trolled out by Shkreli on the fuck'n date'n app TINDER...but not to fuck his diabolical brains out...OH NO...she wanted to find out if this dooshy shitbag was fer real...and thanx to the magic of screen shots...she got her answer in spades!

so our friend fuckwad Shkreli...at this point...thinks he's pretty sly and got Eve under his testicles and thinks he's about ready to play a game of bobb'n fer balls with her...

at 1st it seems she's about ready to pull out her knee pads and let him tea bag her after a couple of jose quervo shots...but she ends up release'n her fangs and roasts his shriveled gonads into humilitation...GAME OVA!

and just when poor ol' Martin decided to lick his wounded pride and get

back under a more positive spotlight with the public...he figured he'd get some public points by donate'n the maximum donation fer a secret meet'n to duke it out with democratic contender Colonel Sanders Bernie Sanders... but Bernie wanted nothing to do with his blood money and generously donated this ass-hats benjamins to a HIV clinic in Washington...and fortunately there'll be no roast'n smores over and open flame either

well...this piss-ant was pissed ol Bernstein bear gave away his money and took it out like any spoiled shithead would...by grasp'n fer sympathy from the twitter universe after he got a in a fight with some sheet rock and ended up with a booboo...thing is...it wasn't actually his x-ray at all but a reversed x-ray image from google...he says he plans on lower'n the price after all the negative backlash he's received...but to this day...it hasn't budged a penny



and just when things couldn't get any better fer the rest of humanity...

the San Diego based drug company Imprimis Pharmaceuticals will be slash'n the fuck outta that lil fucktwats company by offer'n the same drug at $1 a pill...as it was intended 

if anything is to be learned from all this Martin...is that karma is a bitch...
and you just got served!

now get off my dress!

butt cracks...bobble heads and balls OH MY!

guess what kittens...i spent the better part of this past sunday learn'n...

all about the in's and out's of FANTASY FOOTBALL from my nephew Evan...huh...turns out...it's not what i had initially envisioned it was all about...AT ALL!...then it got me think'n...

i was always picked last pretty much 99.999% of the time when it came to

anything athletic in high school from what i can recall

i can even recall one non hedonistic incident where my own team member "Chester the molester" we called him...would "take a whack at Weeza"

(that bein' ME!) with his hockey stick to my very elongated but completely fragile shin...just cuz someone from the opposite team made a goal past me...and we...CHER forbid...lost the game...and the loud-mouth-pain-in-my-A double snakes coach Lesowski...at catholic school none the less...encouraged it!

the reason...to this day...why i have ALWAYS loathed ANY sporting event!

add to the fact...a bunch of guys...wear'n tights and cups and knee pads...

grabb'n each other between the legs til they sweat so bad it starts smell'n like an animalistic chili bake-off...then afterwards...slapp'n each other on their plump...meaty A double snakes for a game well done before they lather themselves up like a bunch of sexually depraved himalayan porch monkeys and rinse themselves off in communal showers...

ummm...seems kinda GAY if ya ask me!

DOH!...why did i ever quit?

flash foward to a couple of weekends ago...years back...when my brother Andy and my nephew Sean and niece Savannah came up to visit me and

take me to my very first ever GOPHER'S football game...well actually...ANY sport'n event EVER since that hockey game back in 1986

but anytime to hang with my brother and his kids...regardless of where it is

is fine with me really...so off we went...across the river and thru the woods traffic...to grannies house the Gopher's game we go

Sean was being a bit of a whiner cuz the game had already started and we still were on the roller coaster ride of try'n to find a park'n spot...(in his defense...he IS a football addict) i would have reacted the same way if i

was late to...say...a MADONNA concert...so his antsy pants were completely justified!

but after about 4 loops...we found park'n on the street and didn't have to give into the demands to have some stoner guard'n the car for 20 bux

as we made it thru security...my security had already been breached!

so this 20 somethin' ticket check'n bleacher bimbo...

(hey i'm not judge'n...just report'n my observations...ps...for all you non homosexuals and lipstick lezbitronic lovers...this is fer you...but just to clarify...she DID NOT look like this)

asked me and my brother to remove our hats so she could see if we apparently had any weapons of mass destruction under them...

never mind my nephews cap
(apparently...they haven't invented minature WOMD fer the lil critters yet)

i was ticked that we didn't get the complimentary pat down by security

that was stand'n next to her though...
(this ones fer the ladies and laydee alikes...grrrrrrrrrranimal! and again...fer visual purposes only kittens...though he was closer to this visual aid than she was)

hey...i know my rights...i'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search..

and i didn't have anyone particular in mind that i needed to call at the moment!

so lemme see if i got this right...baseball caps can hide weapons...but feel'n our pockets for ANY guns...knives...grenades or AK47's wasn’t an issue?

ya…i'm completely confident in this school's security system

but off we went to our seats…so lemme break it down fer you play by play…as it were

my first thought was…once inside...i remembered i left my sanity at home

and fergot to bring my protective shield...you know...just in case some boobleheaded belcher tried to high five me

then i thought...what's with the sea of blood clot and macaroni everywhere?

oh...it's their team colors...(hey...i didn't pick em...i'm just say'n)

as i looked around for anything remotely desirable (hey sicko...i'm talk'n about to eat) i noticed one guy sitt'n to my left that would do in a pinch

(well ya know...he may or may not have even looked X-ACTLY like this)...

but hey...i think i was lose'n ya...besides...I'M tell'n the story...and trust me...HOTDOG...i think i found me a wiener *DING*DING*DING*

now...where was i?...oh yea...

so my bro returns with $40 worth of processed crap to fill our starve'n guts

WTF?…where's the hummus and pita chip's and tacky strawberry margarita's?...it's no wonder why sooo many people qualify fer handicap park'n these days

below i notice a bunch of these "cheerleaders" they call em…HA!

they looked more like a bunch of hysterectomy pads with pom poms pollinate'n the crowd with their eggs like a lawn sprinkler every time they did a high kick

(hmmm…and they say us non heterosexuals have an agenda!)

so on with the game…

fortunately…my umbrella wasn’t needed cuz we were on the shaded side of the outdoor stadium…but watch’n the back and forth action on the field

after the first kick off…was give'n me vertigo…(plus i can think of better back and forth action i'd rather be involved in) ummm…i’m talk'n about swimm'n laps…pervie!

next was the 15 nanoseconds of fame unsuspect'n audience participants got when the camera would show them on the DUMBO screen (wait…what was that?…oh…i've just been corrected…i mean the JUMBO screen) look'n like a bunch of yard apes with turrets…and to add to the insanity…later on the stadium owners (or the sponsors runn'n this baboon parade)…

would give away 2 free tickets to the best audience kiss…anywhere in the continental US hmmmm...this seemed promise'n

about the first ¾ of couples…it was obvious they were either married or bone'n each others other in the back seat of their SUV while their kids played soccer…but the 4th couple they showed were either brother and sister…or gay…cuz neither had a desire to embrace in a kiss…and it only got better

the next couple they showed were 2 women…

unsuspect'n homo's?…or closeted hetro’s?…either case they weren't buy'n into the trivial pursuit of free airline tickets

i unfortunately did not luck out…but my brother fortunately did! (but i will still accept donations fer my “treatment” at my paypal account)

Sean and Savannah schooled me on the score board as to who was ahead

and who was bite'n the dust at the halftime point…at the time i guess…we (the Gopher's) were up 13 to 3…apparently that means the odds were in our favor…(but ain't it odd…that if yer over 40 and someone else is apply'n fer the same job at 21…the odds are NOT in yer favor?…just a thought)

as i gazed amongst the sea of butt-cracks and boobleheads in the stadiums…

i noticed sitt'n in front of me was this Mary Laterno look'n 50+ yr old…

salivate'n over the players in the tour book she had just purchased make'n comments like “wow...he's adorable"...or "he can run fast...but needs more meat on his bones" (actual quotes)

then this intoxicated (not to be confused with intoxicate'n) delta-delta-delta-can-ya-help-me-help-me-help-me cuz i think i'm gonna blow chunks...

look'n freshman (as in her 9th year as a freshman that wasn't so fresh anymore)...leans into my nephew and slurs "hey just so ya know...there's gonna be a lot of high 5's if we make a touch down"...puhleez!!...the only touch down this tramp has ever seen in her life...was when she unstaples her heels from the dorm ceil'n

but FINALLY…the only reason why i was cohorsed into goin to the game

i was told that Madonna was gonna perform a few numbers during the break...about time!

jesus…mary kate...and ashley simpson...

CURSES!…FOOLED AGAIN!!

so begins the halftime…or as i prefer to call it...a train wreck in polyblends

from "now i gotta cut loose…"

to "poor old Johnny Ray"

to "let the music play on…play on…play on"

it was the should'a…could'a…but failed attempts to further their career of 80’s hits in a march'n band format make'n my ears bleed profusely

at that point…i hadda put myself in a happy place…so i clicked my heels...

3 times...turns out my damn clickers were broken…so i sat and suffered…i mean…enjoyed the time with my brother and my niece and nephew…thru another hour and we departed after the 3rd inning cuz my brother didn't wanna fight the crowds leave'n…the score was 16/16…(bottom of the 8th i believe it was) who knows how many more baskets we needed to win…but i fer one will never be duped by anyone who says Madonna is gonna be there…AGAIN!

on our way out…my brother decided to help out the chinese slave labor law

(awwww...how very thoughtful)

by purchase'n a 2 cent plastic pigskins to toss around with Sean for the low low price of 12 bux…and Savannah got this beautifully linked blood clot metallic look'n necklace that i'm sure some 10 year old in china helped put together with his 6 year old sister…kids help'n kids…what more can ya ask for…huh!

in the car and off we drove…HOME SWEET HOME!

now…perhaps my first experience in the sporting arena didn't exactly make

me feel like a rocket land'n on the moon…BUT I DID IT DAMMIT! 

now get off my dress!

reinvention before my pension

this week was all about recapture'n my fade'n youth as much as i could...

before i gotta pack it in...and if i'm lucky enough...get to enjoy 3 serve'ns of lime jell-o a day at the raisin ranch while i get a complimentary sponge bath by some prune pervie with a nervous tick after my bingo and Matlock marathons

of course see'n the QUEEN blow down the house last thurs...

in Minne-Apple's sinister city...ST Paul...with my 2 nieces and a handful of good friends (since no one else was blow'n down mine) was the absolute HIGHLITE of my week...i couldn't have been more ecstatic to be in the presence of a live'n legend once again (even though i was not the chosen one to accompany her on stage at the end of the show) unfortunately...most of the crowd on the other hand didn't know how to pay homage to the QUEEN properly...by cheer'n and chant'n her name...especially in my section 4 rows back from the T in the runway...the 2 Costco cruisers next to me had their arms crossed like a pair of petrified pretzels fer most of the nite...seriously...

these 'burban basturds looked like they'd rather sit home and choke down metamucil martini's while o.d'n on Matlock reruns...and i wish they would've cuz they were bring'n ME down...

and then of course i find out in the morn'n that the lil purple paisley bucket of pubic hair himself...had M over fer a mini concert at his paisley palace til the wee hours of the morn'n...thanx fer the invite man!

by the time i had soaked the entire nite in...and started count'n sheep...

it was already "time to make the donuts" once again...UGH!

CALGON...take me AWAAAAAAAAAAY...

i was desperately seeking Susan somethin' different...so i knew there was only ONE THING TO DO!

after 9 1/2 inches years of invites to the donut trough...pizza parties and zombie induced meet'ns...i decided the time had come to turn a page...

and have my Johnny Paycheck moment...so i threw caution to the wind...(and whatever his name was my dignity out the door) and decided to shed myself of the corporate chains that have been choke'n the life outta me fer the better part of  8 1/2 years
(it's never the good 8 1/2 either...is it kittens?)

so by the weekend it was time to recapture the rest of my youth with new old friends and some older old friends at 3 different destinations...i thought to myself..i said self...you can do this...menage 'a trois starts with 3...and you never had problems work'n yer way around them before...

so off i began!

1st stop was my newer older friend Em and her child's 1st b'day bash...

which came complete with some monsterous eyesore  bouncy kingdom thingy fer all the lil precious kittens hopped up on saccrinated beverages...bounce'n of the walls...but let's be real kittens...this was nothing but a palace of pink eye...filled with snot noses and chocolate covered phalanges...

and though i thought i called ahead to make sure and swore i heard there was one present at my arrival to escort me into the premises...how surprised was i to find out that once i arrived there was NO security or even the slightest hint of a roped off section fer ME...

i knew i should'a wore my best pressed hazmat suit...

good thing the invite said there would be live entertainment fer those over the age of 18...cuz seriously...i'da rather have stayed home and stuck toothpicks in my toe nails while drink'n drano shots than have my best silk muu muu molested in chocolate stained tears...turns out...apparently...i misinterpreted "don't bring anything" on the invite as...YES there will be some sauce to go with my special "sauce" in a glass...REALLY? who has a damn kid's 1st barfday without...at the very least...one stripper?...Em we really need'a have a sit down and talk about how to plan yer next party properly...so this embarrassment doesn't happen again!

it was still fairly early and i was not about to let the sun go down on me...

well cuz he's only knee high to a pigs eye people...and besides...the cath-o-lick priests cornered that market already...so it was off to destination #2...and luckily i took one before i left...cuz the shit was about to hit the fan

so my #2 destination began with my very good friend Peetrinella...

and her well trained monkey husband...pick'n up my perky A double snakes at my shitbox and take'n me with them to some trail of terror in some far away land 45 minutes away from my reality...(though personally i wish we would'a just booked a flight cuz i had the miles i could'a cashed in...plus...just goin to the 'burbs is a terror in itself i might add)

but again i completely remember them not tell'n me that i would be judge'n some hot bod contest that i envisioned i would be once we arrived...and as it should be...i mean i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...turns out they made me become delusional once again...DAMMIT!

(i'm sense'n a pattern here...aren't you?) 

but since i hadn't seen them since my barfday last month...all cuz Peetrinella had decided to forsaken me and my triumphant return to the stage after 2 agonize'n years...last weekend...just to attend some bingo bonanza her unforgettably charm'n father's burial
(ok...you do get a pass fer that...he was a good guy and will be sorely missed)

plus i was anxiously await'n my prezzie she purchased fer me...painted by a-list photographer to the stars...Tony Duran Duran...at Winona High back in the 80's...that i couldn't fit into my car last month...turns out though...she hadda drop her lil kitten off at her mother-n-laws along the way...so she couldn't fit it in her car either...

WTF? that's why they make bungee cords fer the hood...HELLO!!!...besides...

i bet...like most kids...Lulu would'a loved feel'n like Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video with her hair'n whipp'n in the wind at 65 mph...but i guess i'll wait...just remember xmas is right around the corner Peetrinella...and i'm not deduct'n any dollars of my list just cuz you didn't have the heart to strap her down to the roof of yer car (ummm...Peetrinella...now grab yer inhaler and take a few puffs...you'll be fine)

where was i?...oh yea...so once we reached our dismal destination...

it was a quick stroll thru the haunted grounds of bad bi-levels and bad breath and onto the horrific hayride...past the cornfields of cheeze whizzed actors...over the swamp of regret...but i was glad to...at the very least...be hang'n with Peetrinella and Mr. Peetrinella on this journey...

cuz i was gett'n flashbacks to 4 years earlier when the last time i entered this kingdom of canker sores and walk'n std's...i was with my X (who referred to himself as the Hulk of northern MN appropriately) and we got busted by some pimply faced rent-a-cop who copped and attitude...you know...just cuz we were try'na do the monster mash in one of the porta-potties

(and fer the record...some fantasies should never become realities)

after we hopped off the slow bus hayride...it was time to hit the haunted barn...where Peetrinella basically shit bricks in the haunted maze...when she was relentlessly bein' stalked by some Pennywise muthafucker to mine and Mr. Peetrinella's amusement...good times...good times!

the midnite hour was slowly creep'n upon me...much like my britches...

so we said our proverbial goodbyes and they basically threw me outta their car so they could fly back to their hotel and make "muskrat love" dance'n with the devil in the pale moonlight...play canasta while choke'n down some fancy zima's and nibbley thingy's while watch'n SNL

so i was off to my 3rd and final destination...to my friend Will's and Jayne's Oktoberfest

though the band had disbanded by the time i had arrived i figured...

eh...at the very least...i was almost sure they knew to have a stripper pop outta his lederhosen after popp'n outta the sauerkraut and sausage pan...since i reimagined that's what i figured they musta left outta the invite they sent me in the first place...UGH!...CURSES...foiled again!...(when will these people ever learn?) though it was good to reconnect with friends from my pimple parade days...my grade school non crush friend Chad made me ferget what i wanted to expect i'd probably not see this nite...

by make'n me these killer kocktails (hey...keep in clean kittens) we chatted til the clock struck one..or maybe it was 2...either case...i knew...much like my undergarments...i had worn out my welcome...so i played the end'n theme key to the Incredible Hulk to a less than impressed crowd as we spent the next 15 to 20 minutes try'na say goodbye at the front door as we were bein rushed out at the pace of a crippled charade parade and then my missions...much like the nite...were all over just like that

i'm off to the land of movie stars and swimm'n pools broken dreams and heroin addicts in 2 weeks fer a mini vaca thanx to a potential failure breath of fresh air that i'm optimistically dread'n pleasantly excited to reconnect with since earlier this spring...who knows where this journey will take me...but i'll tell ya what kittens...it's gonna be one helluva ride...

now get off my dress!