fantasy island

anyone with a pungent taste fer champagne wishes and caviar nightmares

dur'in the late 70's & early 80's...made a special appearance on the remote island hidden somewhere in the specific ocean (on the back lots of Burbank California)...only to be greeted by one Ricardo Montalban and his lovable door stop TATTOO...who would gingerly mutter those infamous words "look boss...da plane! da plane!" on the hit show "FANTASY ISLAND" every time some damn has-been begged the producers to star in an episode

unfortunately...if the show were bein' filmed today...and TATTOO was 

 work'n in the white house as our unfortunate sociopathetick 70 year old lie'n sack of delusionally demented pig shit'n toddler's side kick...he would be mutter'n a completely different tune apparently...

(though let's get real kittens...he would more than likely be deported or detained)

so get this...our current mentally deranged fuck muppet believes that our 

 military now has a beautiful fleet of stealth F-35 planes...that was recently purchased from the Linda Carter collection...

that are C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y I-N-V-I-S-I-B-L-E to the naked eye

i know...BUTT...it only gets better!

cuz he's hadda comfort his incestual relationship with his mistress...after 

her shitty line of apparel and jewelry caused a commotion outside the many discount stores across the country...though thankfully...no 'murican workers will be affected by these lay-off's (ya just can't trust those mongolian kids to do a decent top stitch these days) he's been unable to to focus on the REAL matters that matter...

since the fact that that Gomer's cousin and our unfortunate blitzkrieg bozo's former BFF blocked his bloated cottage cheese A double snakes on all social media by dropp'n his dignity along with the dirt and is doin back flips fer special counsel Mueller recently

at least he's find'n time to bail out farmers and their delts with roughly 12 

billion benjamins....after completely cause'n the bullshit himself with his trade war tariffs...cuz what?

he already successfully took care of the crisis with Flint's water systems

 the people of Puerto Rico are finally able to have those pinata parties

and cuz ALL those detained baby burritos were finally reunited with their parental dressin's by the deadline?

if you can't see thru Fuckface Von Clownstick's latest reverse psychotick

tweet...you got S-E-R-I-O-U-S probs!

so this goes out to ALL the brain dead lobotomized gimps that are barely 

left think'n fer themselves
(which yes...i get that that is an impossible double entendre)

 quit live'n in some "reality" fantasy land...take a stand...make a moral decision on yer own fer some change...stand up and be counted for!...if you REALLY wanna see Putin's papaya flavored bloated bitch back in the big house...make sure to shop fer one of the many most beeeeauuuutiful products his team of made in 'murica designers made just fer him...with you in mind TODAY...with ALL proceeds to benefit his re-affliction campaign...this is NOT FAKE NEWS everybody's been whine'n about...this is TOTALLY TRUE!

read all about it in the back pages of the Eva Gabor wig collection catalog

(Mussolini's taint and 'murica's cowardly lie'n decompose'n pumpkin approves of this message)

to all you millennial's who didn't bother to vote in 2016 cuz you thought "it doesn't matter"...IT'S NEVER MATTERED MORE...just like that tired 'ol

Whiney Houston song goes...

"i believe the children are our future...teach them well and let them lead the way"

don't pussy foot around...you can't bitch if you don't VOTE...REGISTER TO VOTE...

get off yer booty...cuz it's yer 'merican duty
let them hear yer voice...it's yer only choice
pleez don't you digress...just get off my dress!

unlucky in lechery

LISTEN UP...who really doesn't like to go out and have a good time...

every now and then?...even though sometimes it's a waste of time to try and keep yer composure when you just wanna break loose like a christmas goose

though i'm pretty sure a good time should not consist of gett'n pissed off like a pussy...

or on fer that matter...well unless that's yer thing

i'm not gonna name names…cuz this could've applied to any one of us

really that have experienced situations of despair/regret/sadness/loath'n to any addiction of a family member…a friend…an x (not in any particular order) due to some sorta physical....emotional....mental...substance abuse or plain fuck'n laziness reason'n

i know there were plenty of times i thought i had control of my 21+ beverage of choice…and had made numerous bad decisions…that luckily…suffered no casualties to anyone except my own stupidity one nite

 years back (yes this is my ACTUAL mug shot taken by a professionally trained correctional facility photographer...and i have to admit...though it got my ALOTTA "afternoon delights" in the middle of the nite) i'd much rather have my photographs taken in a studio with maximum light'n at my disposal when warrented (trust me...florescent light'n rarely is yer friend no matter who you are)

one day i woke up and made the decision to learn from my mistakes...

and change any and ALL future outcomes of said nite

from turn'n into a massive mistake i would never be able to live down

i never considered myself dependant of any harmful "crutch"

though i have to admit...Madonna & Boy have set me back a few thousand coins over the years...and worth every ramen noodle nite i hadda suffer from time to time

the only one that's ever really gett'n hurt here is my piggy bank...

but i'm learn'n to deal with that one step at a time!

i've always been a social drinker…

though there have been times in the past…that i knew i was bein' a bit TOO social at times...but in my own defense...I AM IRISH...i get a pass

so let it go!

i rarely have stock of any alcoholic beverages in my humble shitbox...

x-cept when entertain'n guests…and all that is not gone by parties end…is given away as a part'n gift by choice cuz i know i have an addictive personality as it is

i've see how a handful of out-of-control people in general can get…

and fer the most part...are just out to have a good time themselves...i try not a to be a finger pointer cuz i'm a pretty easy goin guy in general

BUTT…(H-E-L-L-O d-i-n-n-e-r)

recently...i unfortunately had front row seats to a social butterfly...

who i've known fer a while now...go from a fun party person…

to a complete parody…when they mistook my sleep'n bed...

 as their own personal flower bed and decided to water the garden the back of my smurf pj's at 5 am one morn'n

now...it all depends on how you wanna look at the situation...

some might say...well incontinence is just a temporary inconvenience...but fuck it!...this was MY fantasy land that ended with NO happy ferry tail in the end...if you wanted to cum...then you should'a at least come prepared

much like an unplanned pregnancy...i just want this to all go away...

but unfortunately...a coat hanger will not cure this STEAMY situation...so now i'm stuck with that homemade work of incontinence on my sealy posture peedy to remind me i should'a just listened to Nancy in the 80's and said "JUST SAY NO!"

UGGGGGGGGGGGGH!...now get off my dress!

Rotten to the Core pt. 3

i can here the echos of one Miss Lisa Stansfield...belt'n out her tune

"been around the world...and i...i...i...i can't find...

MY S-A-N-I-T-Y!

seriously...

read part 1 here

NO...I'M SERIOUSLY...

READ PART 2 HERE

and now the torturous conclusion to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE

experience'n all my new 1st's...after 72 long hrs...i needed a break today...

i was in zero mood to serve anyone...let alone by someone that had served over a million...but this WAS NOT the kinda meat i had in mind...i just wanted to meet a potential honest to goodness waste of my time host with the most understand'n of what i had just gone thru...that i was even will'n to pay fer them to lend me their ear fer a couple hours while tool'n thru the city's many nooks and tranny's...but with mother nature bein' murderously muggy that day...heat'n up like a presidential investigation...

it was all i could do to not stop myself from drown'n in another hopeless puddle of "earthy delights"

since 3 is my lucky number...(by choice...no reason)...i popped on line...

to phone a potential mistake that could take me outta my mind fer a period of time...on my dime even

BUTT...of course

wouldn't ya know it...all ANYONE could think about was gett'n the best bang fer their buck...and i get it...if yer the "fresh meat" in town...who wouldn't want to be pounded into ground round by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?

though i might'a been in the mood after the sun goes down...i was in zero mood fer some drippy...tawdry "afternoon delight" production at this moment in time...cuz my sky rockets weren't in any sorta mood to be in flight...anywhere!

it felt like i was a fuck'n contestant on some damn 80's game show...

though trust me...even though every "connection" that i was offered...(and there were alot of em i must say) there would be no plausible Chuck Woolery moment to "flick my bick" into someone's "hope box"...if they couldn't...at the very least...entertain me in the public eye 

before their "wife" Ralph came home from a difficult day at the park

i finally found some prick who didn't "dick"tate to me his laundry list...

of pulsate'n pleasures online...that needed to be completed immediately...so i jumped outta my rental bed by 1pm after waste'n all morn'n just try'na cool off...while gett'n all hot and bothered...turns out...my 36 yr old brazilian 6'3 giant of devilishly delishousness was a bartender at one of Coop's longtime x butt buddies bar... 

and was gonna be stay'n at STING's pad while he was on a yoga pilgrimage with Trudy and Deepak Chopra in Budapest or some shit like that..."allegedly"...of course who know's if any of this was actually the truth...but it didn't really matter to me though...i finally found my tour guide fer the afternoon...and just so he wouldn't think he had one over me dropp'n names...i told him i had my own roster of richy rich's i work for...

i'm Madonna's clairvoyant calculator (hey...you don't know if that ain't a fact jack!)

with the temps skyrocket'n...my giant...hmmm...let's just call him...ummm 

T-O-N-I-T-E fer the purposes of this finale...(above pic is a stand-in as not to expose his ego any more than he had already done with me) was spritz'n like a lawn sprinkler in the Sierra and wanted to run home fer a quick change...and who was i to say no (insert evil grin here)

trudge'n up 6 flights to his lair....it wouldn't be more than a mere 5 seconds

inside...that his clothes would eventually evaporate in front of my very eyes...and even if i could appreciate his David Blaine pony act...(and trust me...i can handle a tooth chipper...but my throat is no one's storage cellar) he wanted me to disappear inside him...

but not in a Jeffery Dahmer way...just so we're clear kittens!

you do the math (insert *wink*wink* here)

2 hrs later...i found my way back to the Ritz in Hell's Kitchen and met up 

with this absolutely delightful NY Quentin Crispish staple fer a lil chitter chatter that i had met thru the crowd the night before at the saloon on 9th...but after a quick cocktail...it was finally time to head to the whole reason i came ot NY in the 1st place...

to see MISS KATHY GRIFFIN spill it all @ Carnegie Hall...and trust me...it was well worth the price of admission and all the hell i...like Kathy herself...went thru...to make it to this juncture in the road...i don't wanna give ANYTHING away since she's still on her WORLD WIDE TOUR...

all i'll say is...our mentally deranged corrupt lie'n sack of baby pig shit...IS STILL JUST THAT...& MORE...along with his brain dead lobotomized cuntruffle'n followers!

3 hours later...as much as i wanted to say goodbye properly to the city...

i absolutely adore...my hooves were barely keep'n my stable...and i knew it was time to pack up the nite...so i text'd my host and headed back to pack up my miserable memories...in case he was worried since i hadn't texted him all day...then all of a sudden...my cell phone died as i waited fer his response while walk'n my A double snakes all the way home...

 

lil didn't i know...once i reached my destination...that i would have to be negotiate'n my entrance like a terrorist to the very place that i still had one more damn nite that i had already paid for in full...

all cuz he decided to have a lil menage et trois with some "friends" who were audition'n fer the very off broadway show of some "highly" influenced non heterosexual production of "break'n bad"

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY NOW?

it was nice that he gave me a couple of options...though at 12:30 at nite...

i was in zippo mood to play "let's make a deal"...so my options were either #1 join in...or #2 sit at the bar fer an hour so they could finish up with auditions...never mind the fact that i had held it fer the last mile walk and really needed to do both #1 and #2

i opted to say goodbye to the city my way...and an hour later i got the signal it was ok to return...know'n full well...i would never return to BNB world on any furture solo vacations...and to make matters worse...

their try-outs last'd til the rooster crow'd around 4:30 am...suffice it to say...i was not a happy camper know'n i would barely sleep a wink before it would be time to skiddaddle to the airport

check out was 11 am sharp...but trust me...i was up and out by 6 bells

and off to the airport...reminiscence'n thru the last 4 days i just went thru...feel'n like a member of the lollipop guild...1 and 30 minutes later i would arrive at the airport 4 hrs early...and made sure the BNB got a full earful and demand'd my money back fer the last day at the very least since i was locked out...to which they obliged me

what's the moral of the story you ask?...welll...sometimes it just ain't worth

pinch'n pennies or you'll get pinched!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!