LISTEN UP!

in the 1800's...it was all the rage to be enraged at any youthful

jezebel who would dare show off her ankles in a public forum to all the horned up halitosed chimney sweepers on the block...these titillate'n tawdry teenaged tramps were simply given the sanctimonious title of bein' a modern day madonna whore...at the time

not to be confused with Madonna or any given respectable whore 180 years later

by the mid to late 1900's all H-E-double hockey stix broke loose

on those troublesome teenaged trollops with the rise of the speed demon juvenile delinquents of the 1950's

the hallucinogenic ritual bath'n free love'n STD riddled nympho's of the 1960's...that barely made it thru the 1970's

and the ozone kill'n fly trapp'n shoulder padder'n multi task'n friendship pinners of the 80's 

my gloriously self indulgence included...of course

now...before move'n forward with yer judgmental judy eyes...keep in mind

i AM NOT blame'n or shame'n an ENTIRE generational pair of gap genes that i am only personally associated with thru the plethora of off-springs created by my sibs and friendly stalkers (like those before me) i simply am regurgitate'n my insurmountable frustration with those pro-noun parade'n prickers...and the #METOO'ers who want ALL the glory of bein' the latest "trendy" victim of the month...while completely ignore'n simple social courtesies that should'a been taught to them when they were grow'n up (even though they continue to live in the parents basement after the legal age limit into adultville) that i myself have personally come in contact with!

BUTT...let me explain

after i was bein' graciously stalked by some steroidal homicidal knuckle 

dragg'n water buffalo in the park'n lot of a local grocery store in my neck of the woods roughly 10 years ago this week...who i just assumed wanted an autographed selfie of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionists of their own universe to place above the mantle in his charm'n lil abode...

turns out he was just try'na turn me on by pimp'n me out into a carbon copy of himself...so i signed up the follow'n day after take'n his 3 hr tour (of the steam room...ummm insert laugh here kittens...i'm a proper gurl) and bibbity bobbity boo...10 years later...he turned me from an over grown twink to a grown-up gladiator

years later...i've noticed how the front desk staff went from jubilant jesters

every time i would come to bob fer blue balls in the steam room rigorously run thru my 45 minute work out routine at my neighborhood uptown LA FITNESS...

to the pissed off piranha's "work'n" (and i use that term as loose as my last failure) the counter at any given TCBY's in any given mall...just cuz they can't be bothered to DO THEIR PAID FUCK'N JOB...all while have'n a totally tough time decide'n whether to slide right or left on their latest tinder matches while COMPLETELY ignore'n actual pay'n customers like myself that they should be check'n it and out!

but it ain't just the self imposed comatosed scoliosis'd counter help 

that's turned me into some nail bitten...metamucil martini'd...murder she wrote marathon'n...earl grey tea bagg'n...soon-to-be AARP cunt mobile...it's also ALL those insubordinate brain dead shopp'n ferrets...of ALL ages...from cow-town'n tweekers to trader joe'n geekers...trendy tantrum'd trannies to coupon clipp'n grannies...who absolutely REFUSE to return their shopp'n cart to the correct storage facility after their purchase...in the correct position...

instead...toss'n them off  in the center entrance to the store like a pimp toss'n a hooker outta a move'n vehicle all cuz they didn't make bank one nite...or let'em run loose in the park'n lot like a small child who just came home from a ritalin'd party

and since i'm fly'n high on my bicker'n brookstick...there's one more thing

fer all you 2 wheel'n huff-n-puffers out there who think that they're actually save'n the planet by take'n up a full driver's lane or sometimes 2...move'n at the speed of a petrified snail in a french bistro...cause'n a complete traffic jam when there ain't even any planned marathon or fuck'n rush hour...instead of just ride'n single file with yer band of mary jane puff'n...bernie bro'n ho's...CUNT PUHLEEZ!

my 4 wheel medication has a damn scratch in it and keeps skipp'n dur'n my fav-o-rit pill...plus i gotta heavy foot...

so DO THE MATH!

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

SHREDDER!

picture it kittens...the year was 1976...new wave punkie pop rock band

BLONDIE fronted by the absofuckinglutely flawlessly alabastered skin with the plumpest non filled pouter of it's time...songstress DEBBIE HARRY (just fer those of you who are too lazy to google the significance of this bands history...just do it!) was tear'n up the charts with their hit "RIP HER TO SHREDS"

while i had just shredded the competition and won the coveted jeweled sash fer the Miss Kick-Ass Kinderbeenier kweetie kompetition...thanx to my overly understated winged chartreuse buttoned up blouse accented by my peek-a-boo smile to compliment my perfectly arched cereal killer brows...silky chestnut locks and my impossibly high cheeks bones fer the very first time in Miss Grouseneks kindergarten class

16 years later in 1992 while sing'n an acapella version of Bob Marley's 

"WAR" on SNL...irish rebel songstress SINEAD O'CONNOR was open'n the hidden truths of the injustices that have been covered up fer years at the hands of many faithful finger'n frockers stand'n at the pulpit...by shredd'n a picture of the head mistress and declare'n to the all silent audience "FIGHT THE REAL ENEMY"...only to be ostracized by many brain dead band wagon scabs fer her actions!

even the QUEEN unfortunately got caught up in the controversy and cheekily mocked SINEAD a few months later on the same stage (which i can freely admit bothered me some at the time) though SINEAD was completely vindicated fer her actions years later when all the shit hit the fan about the CASPER crusaders gigantic cover-up!

28 years later...the shredd'n that was seen around the world at the last 

state of the onion address by the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass...was absolute sheer glory...and completely warranted since that mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass decided to vomit lie after lie to the american public...

from claim'n OBAMA's legacy was decline'n the economy...and his gallery of ass lick'n gimps made it the best it's ever been...which WAS NOT! (simple pimple google search kittens will correct that lie)

claim'n that the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass administration was save'n everyone with pre-exist'n conditions...which IT IS NOT!

claim'n that the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass administration has reduced the price of prescription drugs in 51 years...which IT HAS NOT!

claim'n that the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass administration say'n sanctuary cities are release'n illegal immigrants back into the public to cause harm instead of lawfully detain'n them

among fling'n many other piles of hair pull'n bullshit from his seethin' sluggish jabba the huttish oxycontin'd mouth!

if he were attached to a lie detector that nite...he'd a short circuited the entire east coast

BUTT...of course...

leave it to the lobotomized brain dead deplorable gimps to loose their

equilibrium along with their lack luster'd looks and demand NANCY basically be burned at the stake fer shredd'n the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass's coloring book notes

though NOT ONE REPUGLICUNT screamed BLOODY MURDER when the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit with the cottage cheesed dilapidated ass destroyed his notes from his play dates with his pimp a while back

in conclusion...until you have ACTUAL proof that NANCY has...

colluded with foreign powers to keep her position...sexually assaulted many someones...mocked some disabled person...paid off multiple adult entertainment workers...called nazi's fine people...tore lil kittens from their parents and put em in cages...denied science effects...stole from multiple charities...duped students into pay'n fer a worthless education or bragged about how she could shoot someone without suffer'n any sorta consequences...

just GET OFF MY DRESS!

Swept Away!

i decided after almost 10 years of regurgitate'n my blissfully bodacious

and sometimes down right balls to the walls babble to all of my cautiously curious kittens across the universe...from Toledo to Taiwan...that it was about time that i finally give back and thank you from the bottom of my emptyless soul fer stick'n with me thru out all my tantrums...tirades and tawdry trysts...with a contest and ONE GRAND PRIZE WIENER!

at first i thought...i think the best thing i could possibly give away to one

lucky kitten out there would be an unimaginable pile of cold hard bengie's that you could spend any way you wanted to until yer lil cold selfish bleed'n hearts content (and if it that just can't keep you content...then perhaps rip out the heart from one of the many millions of other losers to fulfill yer contention)

BUTT...and you know there always is one...don'tcha?

although i've work in the financial industry in the downtown Minne-Apple

fer the better part of 20 some years and personally know all the tricks of the trade on how i could potentially line yer pockets with untold riches beyond yer belief 

(with or without the use of a smart form fitt'n egyptian blue jumper)

i just can't pull off any pumpkin colored fabric to save my life...plus i decided it's not my responsibility to be stuff'n yer piggy bank at this juncture in my life... 

since soon i will be crowned Mrs Colostomy Bag 2020...come labor day weekend...so i decided to take the off ramp on my train of thought to another consolation prize

and really...who doesn't dream of some exotic erotic vacation destination...

perhaps (if they're like me) they'd enjoy stroll'n down some war torn dirt road...bask'n in the moonlight behind some deserted castle in transylvania...that could possibly be their cup of tea

then i thought...OH FER FUCKS SAKES!...like i want my contest winner to

 have to deal with this new generational crop of crappers who are dead set on become'n trendy "victims" by shame'n everyone else on the use of the proper pronouns that you need refer to them by...that pretty much you have to play like a fuck'n rubix cube of emotions just to figer their whole damn concept out...

cuz they're whine'n about the fact that the country is called TRANSYLVANIA...why not just rename it to SWEETSYLVANIE they'll say?

well...after spend'n hours upon hours to try and satisfy EVERYONE...

with my prize giveaway fer their years of dedication...i decided that there's A-L-W-A-Y-S gonna be some piss pour pouter in snoreville that'll say that my contest was rigged against them...so i figered i'd scrap the entire idea all together as to not look like there's ANY sorta favoritism towards ANYONE and just have my throngs of kittens thru-out the planet open their generous pocket books

and take out a personal loan from yer kids Kool-Aid college fund to help donate to the ULTIMATE prize package!

since charity seems to be the glue that makes everyone feel like they've  

actually accomplished something with their pathetic ME ME ME life...i thought why not start a GOFUCKYERSELF charity fund fer the 51 senators who decided to take a massive shit on the constitution by vote'n NO fer witnesses that would've testified in the impeachment trials but instead decided to help cover up the callous corruption...

caused by their mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit boss with the cottage cheesed dilapidated A double snakes!

i decided to try & collect enough benjie's to send them on an ALL inclusive 

vacation package to beautiful downtown WUHAN CHINA...where they'll each get their very own host family that will put them up fer a week and help them decompress from the stress they've been under lately

take'n donations til this november 4th...so please...i implore you...please

don't leave ONE of those asinine senators behind this november...DONATE TODAY and GET OFF MY DRESS!