SIMPLY THE BEST

picture it kittens...the year was 1975 and director STEVEN SPIELBERG

was take'n a bite outta the box office while scare'n the holy live'n shit out of his audiences and cement'n my #1 reason while i will never step aboard a carnival cruise to sail the mighty seas anytime soon with his 1st #1 blockbuster "JAWS"

while most of the patrons of Studio 54 tried keep'n it together by simply 

mainline'n an 8ball off the bathroom floors just to get throat fucked by a throat plunger in the stalls...CAPTAIN and TENILLE simply sang their sappy song state'n "LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"

techno nerds BILL GATES and PAUL ALLEN created the rise and fall of

non verbal communicado and the beginn'n to the eventual end of yer dads...yer grand dads and yer local corner barber shops subscriptions to all those adult entertainment magazines that came delivered discretely wrapped in that non judgemental brown paper package'n with their microsoft computer

and i began my life long love affair with the QUEEN OF ROCK N ROLL 

when i first watched the powerhouse with the pipes known simply as TINA TURNER perform'n "SHAME SHAME SHAME" with CHER on "THE CHER SHOW" with my dad

though it would be almost another 10 years before i became reacquainted 

once again with the lady and her stilettoed mile high legs when she dropped her 1st single off her 5th solo album "PRIVATE DANCER" in 1984 declare'n after all her years of abuse at the hands of her X husband "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT" which initially TINA had no desire to record...went on to be her 1st solo #1 song that won her record of the year...song of the year and best female singer of the year at the 1985 Grammy awards 

that also spawned the ball to the walls hit "BETTER BE GOOD TO ME" 

the steamy cover of AL GREEN's "LET'S STAY TOGETHER" 

the sultry "PRIVATE DANCER" and though not released as a video "STEEL CLAW" was my all time fav-o-rit unreleased single off the album 

that same year...BRYAN ADAMS hopped aboard the unstoppable TINA TURNER train and released their duet off his album "RECKLESS" called "IT"S ONLY LOVE"

by the follow'n year...TINA went from the small screen to the silver screen

play'n AUNTY ENTITY in the blockbuster "MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME" which spawned the melodramatic single "WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO" and the lesser though personally my fav-o-rit powerfully explosive hit "ONE OF THE LIVING" 

by 1986 TINA had released "BREAK EVERY RULE" that i pretty much

hadda purchase twice since i had wore out my 1st cassette play'n it non stop in my magnavox dual cassette player with detachable speakers...release'n the snarky "TYPICAL MALE" the country rock sounds of "WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE" and the gritty "BACK WHERE YOU STARTED" that earned TINA another Grammy fer best female rock performance in 1987...perform'n 218 shows on 5 continents fer her "BREAK EVERY RULE TOUR" sell'n out stadiums at almost 50 years old

once the 90's rolled around...TINA would earn a whole new respect and an

entirely new audience when she was inducted into the ROCK N ROLL HALL OF FAME with her time under IKE in 1991 and then once again as one of only a handful of artists who would be inducted fer a 2nd time as a solo artist in 2021

in 1993 movie goers would witness the brilliant though often brutal life 

portrayed by the tough as nails actress ANGELA BASSET in the heart wrench'n biopic of TINA's life "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT"

which of course made me upgrade all my 3 TINA cassettes to cd with the soundtrack bein my 1st major purchase that i found at LET IT BE records on the nicollette mall in the downtown Minne-Apple area where i ended up spend'n endless hours click...click...click'n my way thru TINA's back catalogue discover'n more brilliant tunes from her... 

like the 1966 PHIL SPECTOR hit "RIVER DEEP MOUNTAIN HIGH" which was the 1st song TINA recorded without her X...

 and further click...click...click'n to tunes from her time in the IKE and TINA TURNER REVUE days with the Creedence Clearwater Revival remake of  "PROUD MARY" make'n me roll'n...roll'n...roll'n down the record aisles which they released in 1971 earn'n TINA her 1st Grammy with IKE

in 1973 TINA penned the semi-autobiographical tune "NUTBUSH CITY LIMITS" that was about her hometown life in Nutbush Tennessee which would be the last hit song TINA would ever record with IKE

TINA would then jump from the microphone to the movie screen in 1975 

as the acid queen in WHO's bizarrely entertain'n rock opera "TOMMY"

by 1976 TINA had divorced IKE and went out on her own as a solo act

work'n discotheques and dinner clubs from the late 70's thru-out the early 80's with funk infused hits like "DISCO INFERNO" and "BALL OF CONFUSION" until her big break finally came in '84

before the clock struck one on the new millennium...TINA would release

her dance hit "WHEN THE HEARTAHCE IS OVER" in 1999 which would be the title track off her 10th and final solo album "TWENTY FOUR SEVEN"

i was lucky enough to snag killer seats to catch the energetic goddess live 

on her stops in the Minne-Apple back in 2000 and then once again in 2008 on her final tour and trust me...neither concert disappointed nor did they slow TINA down from the moment the lights went up til moment the curtains came down

2019 brought us the much anticipated open'n of the musical "TINA" on 

broadway and in 2020 ADRIENNE WARREN who portrayed TINA on stage would snag herself a Tony fer her brilliant performance as the lead'n lady in a musical and by 2023 i FINALLY lucked out and got to see the tour stop in the Minne-Apple in april

the same year Adrienne won her Tony...TINA...now 80...reworked the hit

that she had recorded 36 years earlier at the age of 44 where she became the oldest singer to ever release a #1 smash song...with norweigan dj KYGO fer a whole new flock of fans on the dance floor in 2020 with "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT"

with the pandemic cause'n chaos thru-out much of the planet in 2021

the only thing that occupied my mind was the heart felt last love letter given to her many die hard fans around the world as one last final look into the wonderous world of a true living legend who was born from humble beginn'ns on the cotton fields...to survive'n a torturous marriage and the many other life challenges...prove'n her resilience and resurrection to became a rock star at 44...stand'n out from the shadows of her past when most female singers in the biz were considered washed up by 30...to become the global phenomenon known as TINA TURNER with an untouchable career spann'n 6 decades spoken in her own words

though she got a good taste of the limelight under IKE's control...TINA  

had eclipsed and surpassed her abusive and control'n coke filled X by a million miles...by build'n her own indestructible path as the undeniable comeback QUEEN OF ROCK N ROLL with just 36 cents to her name...turn'n her bruises into a battle cry...her tears into triumph and break'n down all the rules of the music industries standards of what a truly colossal superstar really is...there will never be another like TINA TURNER in my lifetime...you will always be "SIMPLY THE BEST"

enjoy this eclectic mix of a true diamond in the rough

now  GET OFF MY DRESS!

ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK pt. 3

hey if yer look'n to shake up the spring season'ns with a lil joy fer yer very

own pleasure now that it's in full swing...may i suggest find'n a crowded family function or packed shit fer brains hole in the wall sports bar where everyone's IQ in the room combined is the same as the alcohol content in just one can of schlitz malt liquor on game day and ask the remote control king/queen or brain dead waiter/waitress that there's a GOLDEN GIRLS marathon on and they'll get a $5 bonus tip fer a quick channel change at the bottom of the 9th durin' the 4th quarter

as everyone's fav-o-rit dribbler scores a home run with the puck in the pool...their reaction will be priceless...trust me...however if yer not feel'n that brazen...then click here fer pt. 1 and click here fer pt. 2 to catch up to the excrutiate'n conclusion

so there i was one sunday afternoon at my neighborhood coffee shop... 

read'n over pages of regurgitated crap about the football fans (the VIKES in particular) try'na inform the social media disdain fer the game that if they didn't like the outcome of the game then they outta put down the fuck'n pickled pringles and PBR and sign up to play at the next try-outs...finish'n up my latest blog while flipp'n thru annoy'n requests on desperadoville...or a4a...which after 3 years of bein' "sucked" into it (pun intended) i simply referred to it as assholes4assholes now

i responded to a simple request by some 20 somethin' tattoo'd potential 

failure to "hang out" (but who in the world does he think  i am...besides thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) everyone knows that's just hookerville code fer "rock out with yer cock out"

i had nothin' better to do...so i emailed him my digits and finished up my 

over priced non dairy...dairy...mocha frappichino latte chi tea...i mean my plum red bull and headed fer home

a few hours later...after OD'n on rerun's of the hysterically fab-u-less after

school special knock-offs of  "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" an unsuitable friend called pretty much plead'n to get pollinated by yers cruelly...listen here...i haven't resided in desperadoville since the disfucktional era of the 90's when i started work'n at the 90's and though repeat performances have happened from time to time...i'm more into one-of-a-kind treasures these days

so...as the unmemorable caller tried desperately to remind me who they 

were...i picked the phone back up after 2 minutes and noticed a text had come thru though no name was attached...hmmm...who's this? a new pearl at the bottom of my electronical ocean of regrets

i politely interrupted the caller...who now just seemed like a rusted coin 

in the back alley of some dead end street that i had no interest in pick'n up and told them i would donate 10% of my feelings to his skank account

as i played the ping pong text game of who's this?...i realized it was the 20

somethin' from earlier in the day finally gett'n back to me in an untimely manner but why should i be surprised...most 20 somethin's these days have zero clue what a manner is unless it comes in a downloadable app

we made plans to "hang out" as it were...in an hour...when i was done  

file'n my feelin's in the "why not!" drawer and he was done look'n fer the next best thing that was within 15 feet from his reach

a week would go by and while i was enjoy'n bloody's with a stalker of mine

followed by an even fabular dinner while watch'n "KINKY BOOTS" at her palace when all of a sudden the generational gap texted me outta the blue and wanted to "hang out"

after inform'n the above acquaintance of him...they said to invite him over

to join in some robotic pleasantries...however i was in no mood to play a round of "patty cake patty fake" with my new counter help reject from blockbusters so after finish'n dinner and the movie i skedaddled back to my tiny underworld palace fer some pre-fornicational 4 square though once i retreated to my bed this generation was ready to count sheep so off to dreamland it was fer me

by morn'n he had opened the flood gates of his entire life...about how he 

got his drug and alcoholic acrobatic act in tact...that he met me as 80's Boy George on halloween nite a year prior...

BUTT (and you know there always is one dont'cha kittens)

that we had actually met A YEAR EARLIER! at 1st i was like WHAT? then it felt like i was taken a shower at the bates motel!

hmmm...a year earlier?...i don't recall ANY 20 somethin's catch'n my 

interest accept fer a date i reported on when i began this ramblin'n eyesore of a story about anything and everything when i first created this blog...he said..."you know my dad!" i paused fer a second...then i thought...WTF????

no matter how many times you call may feel compelled to wanna call me "daddy" I AM NOT YER FATHER! 

**ABORT**ABORT**ABORT**

another 10 years would pass and there i was once again recently lay'n 

back in my boudoir chatt'n amongst the sea of desperado's online vy'n fer my "attention" in the middle of the nite after wake'n up from one of my multiple narcoleptic fantasies and guess who just happened to hit me up? hmmmm...well let's just say...it wasn't irish throat plunger Colin Farrell...

however...after a week of  electronical ping pong banter...i decided since i have the power that it was time to finally sink this tenacious titanic lunchbox of hormones once and fer all with the full power of the block button...

this saga has F-I-N-A-L-L-Y come to an end...now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK pt. 2

picture it kittens...it's 1979 and 3 20 somethin's that included 2 maxi pads 

with one hunky non throat plunge'n culinary horny toad student who H-A-D-D-A pretend he was a tulip sniff'n throat plunge'n penny loafer just to cohabitate with his 2 roomies (since mixed gender live'n was a no-no by the landlord in those days) or he'd suffer the fate of sleep'n in the confines of some cockroach infested YMCA which was the #1 hit comedy on everyone's magnavox that year

my aunt Ellen had take'n me fer a weekend sleepover in Austin, MN to her

 bf Rollie’s at the time and that nites feature after a delicious mac-n-cheese dinner was the reason why i...to this very day...will never be caught stepp'n a foot on a cruise in any ocean any time soon

and a talented neon yellow 8 foot 2 inch anthropomorphic bird who could 

roller skate...write poetry and sing among many other talents had dominated the morn'n airwaves fer 10 strong years advise'n the lil kittens across the globe the proper application of base...lip gloss and eyeliner...how to get outta sticky situations and a bunch of other shit

this has abofuckinglutely nothing to do with the story at hand kittens

i'm just give'n you a lil history lesson...any'who'z'll'ding...back to the shit show (click here fer pt. 1)

by now...as i settled down into his leather lazyboy...the son...of course...

kept walk'n in and out of the movie...while Miss Hathaway kept belch'n away with her Budweiser (i know...pretty huh...in a can WITH NO CUZY...i mean really WTF?) and pose'n like some egyptian hieroglyphic on the couch like he was gett'n ready to spawn

the second time...he (the son) came down with just a pair of shorts and a

wife beater on...well...i did all i could to concentrate on the movie and not wish i was 20 years old again (though if genetics plays any part into that kids future...he better snag on to someone quick before gravity smacks the shit outta him)

of course i could easily tell McDrunk was nervous as hell half way thru the 

movie why the hell wouldn't he be...he's got a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in his presence cuz about every 20 minutes he would say to me..."you won't hurt my feel'ns if you wanna leave now...i can tell by your body language i know i'm not your type" (and that is a direct quote)

why? just cuz i was sitt'n there on his tacky leather Wickes close-out chair 

from 1995...look'n like i was wheeled in like Hannibal Lector with face mask and a strappy jacket on...hey...who ever said charity didn't come with a price?

i did all i could from tell'n him to shut the F up cuz i was try'n my best to  

concentrate on the movie that i'd seen like 1000 times before in complete silence and wanted to see it 1001 times in complete silence

i made it thru this movie without look'n at him once for if i did...i was afraid 

i would turn into granite and graciously said thanx for the invite to his spiderweb...i mean...humble abode

BUTT...it ain't over just yet!

as he walked me down the steps...and out the door...the stench of costco 

and glade marination was but just a distant memory and as i drove off into the bleak bitter blizzard nite...i realized one thing...i'm 40 and i still have a pulse! so if anyone thinks i'll be mainline'n a relationship anytime soon...for the sake of a relationship cuz of my biological clock...ain't happen'n anytime soon!!

i don't need to dip into the desperado pool...just yet...my hand ain't broken

besides everything works out for the best in the end for me anyways however wouldn't ya know it though...i wake up the next morn'n to 2 messages from him...one beginn'n at 11:47 pm say'n he had a great time watch'n the movie with me and wanted to be "friends" (apparently he was have'n an outer body experience last nite) then a drunker message at 1:34 in the am hour tell'n me it's ok...he said his son talked to me on the same phone line a while back and wasn't gonna hang out with someone that talks to his son as well! 

WTF??? tune in next week fer the excruciate’n conclusion to ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK…now GET OFF MY DRESS!