STICKY FINGERS pt. 2

it's still 1984 kittens and every ingrown cunt haired soccer mom and all

the house'n project princess's on the planet turned into either WENDY RICHTER or the FABULOUS MOOLAH in turn...turn'n their xmas shopp'n experience after their afternoon stories into a brutal world wrestle'n federational smack down at the first signs of snowflakes dance'n the jitterbug in december just to snatch up the latest MUST HAVE

TERESA ANN doll to put under the tree at christmas time to keep their lil puke buckets from dish'n the dirt to daddy when mothers around the country would take all those late nite after school "special"  drives to meet the principal at the no-tell motel next to the freeway off ramp in the next county over

a young girl from Michigan inadvertently gave herself a gynecological exam on the stage at the very 1st MTV awards show inadvertently cement'n herself as the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCEFLOOR

and horror fans everywhere whacked off to then weeped as the latest dreamy heart throbber received open heart surgery in his dreams thanx to some demonic slash'n surgeon...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt. 1 here

so said occupant of the west territory was a huge fan of MR. JACKSON

durin' this time period (hey the world practically was to be fair) and had gotten the other MUST HAVE doll as a prezzie that year

even though i was totally denied the MUST HAVE MR. O'DOWD doll fer the same reason (however don't fret my pensive pet....i would FINALLY own the doll fer my very own after 5 bidd'n wars on ebay 20 years later) so suffice it to say that after this injustice and after my Marilyn bible was blatantly pillaged i needed to prepare fer an under cover plan of attack after find'n a few mutilated pages lead'n me west of the wall so i hadda top secret meet'n with the head of my assailant's toybox 

as i feathered her hair and in my head she had spilled some top secret secrets and told me to get in contact with the basement brigade to help me with my full scale attack on all sides and though i had already found a trail of terror of torn page bits lead'n me to the assailants side…

i was runn'n short on time and wouldn't have time to search out the whereabouts of these soldiers fer back-up as i heard my assailant walk'n up the steps so i hadda do a judgement call after find'n a few crumpled scatterin's in the waste basket on the other side

and went totally Thomas Hewitt on the assailant's ass chase'n her outta the room then stumbled across her prized possession the Jackson doll and proceeded to meticulously snap the head and arms off one by one...

then hooked up the spark plugs i found in the back seat of Barbie's hot wheels and short circuited her transmission with MJ's lil silver glove

BUTT hold on to yer judgemental calls... 

well after all the back and forth breakdowns over the next few hours 

my conscious had gotten the better of me and i felt i needed to step up bein' the bigger brother so when the occupant of the west became transfixed on this witch doll i felt i needed to buy it fer her until i realized i was roughly some 70 cents short so as my sibs all left the store fer home i devised a plan b that was much less expensive so i nervously looked left...then right...then left again (thankyou after school cross'n guards fer grill'n that in my head) as i seen no humans walk'n up or down my aisle i quickly snatched this ugly witch doll off the hook and shoved it down my pre shrubbed snatch

utterly unaware that "BIG BROTHER" was eye'n me out from up above!

if i had planned my very first undercover breakout mission just a bit better 

i would'a remembered to fill my fanny pack with my BONNIE BELL limited edition camo war paint so i wouldn't be noticed as easily however i thought there's no turn'n back now since this witch was give'n me an itch in the bowels of my undergarments and proceeded to pep up my step to the store's exit have'n said that just as i thought i was goin to cross the barriers of this beauty and drug store and be home free

my 6th sense had kicked in and felt a presence behind me i hadn't felt since i knocked myself out on the tether ball in 6th grade play'n fag football on the playgrounds of Madison school nonetheless i was committed to right'n my half wrong at this point!

my heart was race'n as if it were in 1st place at the kentucky derby and my

mind was doin laps at the grand prix speed'n an insane million miles a nano second and i kid you not i was bein egged on or serenaded by MRS. BENATAR's "YOU BETTER RUN" over the loud speakers at that very moment as i thought i was in the clear unfortunately just as i was about to cross the outer limits of the store's pharmaceutical force field much to my surprise i would be snatched back by a well manicure claw from behind

i tried with every vain in my tiny frame to reason with this AUGHRA look'n 

anal wart who had bad bottled highlights pulled thru a cap of course as she clutched onto my left shoulder with a strong grip that of a bald eagle after catch'n their afternoon snack from a cool mountain stream as she marched me swiftly off down the candy aisle to the back of the store down the secret florescent lit hallways beyond the employee's only saloon doors and regrettably there would be no negotiate'n at this juncture in the road

tune in next week fer the very laughable conclusion to STICKY FINGERS

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STICKY FINGERS pt. 1

picture it kittens...the year was 1984 and minnesnowda's very own purple 

paisley bucket of pubic hair had dominated the airwaves with his #1 jam "WHEN DOVERS CRY" all while bath'n in a bathtub full of erotic filth and dominate'n the theaters with his biographical master piece "PURPLE RAIN" which was accompanied by a masterpiece soundtrack of the same name

that my absofuckinglutely fantabulous cuz Shelly got to be apart of musical history durin' the open'n scene...so take that!

a widowed english teacher would become a geriatric novelistic sleuth with a killer roller set who was set on solve'n mysteries and murders all over Cabot Cove fer 10 successful seasons

MOLLY becomes a box office bank account while gett'n molested by her nana with lezbitronic tendencies in the teenrager hit "16 CANDLES" among many others that followed...oh and ps you finger-lick'n-on-the-trigger crotchety phalange point'n ameba's march'n in every damn woke online parade...

JOHN HUGHES is dead so don't start some pissy pathetic petition to ban this come'n of age movie fer us gen X'ers or send'n MOLLY rape counselor brochures

and i had decided to meander to the downtown of my hometown on a brisk afternoon to the local corner drug store to rummage thru the latest issue of my fav-o-rit musical rag fer all the latest musical gossip and printed lyrics to my fav-o-rit songs...

cuz you know you never were sing'n the correct lyrics no matter how long you had any given tune play'n on repeat in yer walkman

fer the longest time until i researched BERLIN's "THE METRO" lyrics that i began perform'n fer the 1st time on stage at the GAY 90's in the 90's months after i stopped doin the song...the open'n lyrics went as follows:

"i'm alone...sitting with my empty glass...my four walls follow me thru my past...i was on a Paris train...i emerged in London rain...and you were waiting there...swimming thru apologies"

however in my thought process i totally thought Terri's last line in the song went "and you were there...swimm'n thru a pile of cheese!" (hey i was 13 at the time...it totally was absolutely plausible so don't act you didn't think the same thing) anywho'zll'ding

after purchase'n my mag...i realized i only had some pocket change left

in my pocket so i decided to walk down to another drug store a few blocks away where a few of my siblings were at walk'n homelessly up and down the aisles dream'n of everything they couldn't afford more than likely then up back and forth thru the toy aisle stare'n at toys we had hoped that the fat ass in the red suit would deliver under our tree in a few short months and fer some reason i remember my sister fixate'n on this bendable witch doll that was about $1.50

BUTT let's back it up a it...

me and my sis had shared a room separated by the BERLIN wall of our

sleep'n quarters which was just 2 large rusted out school style locker room closets that COULD NOT be crossed or there would be an all out war...she was on the west side while i occupied the east...my side was always absolutely spotless and mathematically plastered with posters of  BOY MADONNA and CYNDI cover'n up every inch of paint when possible thanx to my keen sense of unapologetic law and order

while my sister's side of the room always looked like the trash compactor inside the death star and i swore at any give'n moment you never knew when a random fuck'n cyclops snake eye was gonna pop up from the heap of clothes that she had unceremoniously adorned her floor with

my uncle from Virginia or was it West? i'm grasp'n at straws at this point 

kittens cuz i can't remember which it was...move'n on...so my unk out east had visited us one spring or summer with his "friend" i was told by Joan...the season isn't really relevant to this story it's only give'n you a visual backdrop...anyways...i was lucky enough to be bequeathed a book from my long distance uncle that only expanded my celebrity fascination and musical repertoire from his era and let me tell you i became completely O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D from the very minute i opened the cover and flipped thru the pages...i wanted to be the one to solve the most talked about celebrity death in the world at that time

however a few months later after relentlessly bark'n at the occupant live'n

on the western side of the wall to keep their side clean cuz of my overbear'n OCD could barely handle it any longer...someone had take'n it upon themselves one day when there was no guards at the gate to apparently pull off some sorta secret mission impossible bullshit and somehow was able to make it to the east side of the room without tripp'n off any of the alarms or landmines that i had personally installed myself 

and decided to pull some Freddy Krueger fuckery on my newly acquired possession by slash'n a few pages from my cherished Marilyn bible to possess fer their very own 

well…i knew right then and there that this would be a total retaliation on

my behalf and trust me...THERE WOULD BE NO NEGOTIATE'N…NO STONE LEFT UNTURNED! believe you me i wasted no time in beginn'n my search and destroy mission to track down the callous culprit responsible fer the abhorrent atrocity of my property so i threw on my Angela Lansbury cap and started slither'n around like a sleuthy snake follow'n the shreddery which would lead me over the wall!

there ya have it...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n concussion of pt.2

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

HICKORY DICKORY MOCKORY

picture it kittens the year was 2002 and i was on hiatus from live'n my

infamous life as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fer roughly 2 years at this point all cuz of some egregiously disingenuous discuntled 1891 dime store Dame Edna bowel movement that i had the displeasure of work'n with fer roughly 4 years

while the musical world lost it's biggest power couple at the moment TIMBER~SPEARS who bought one way tickets to splitsville

which gave birth to the pissed off princess of pop AVRIL LAVIGNE with delicious ditties like "SK8ER BOI" "I DON'T GIVE" and "COMPLICATED"  among many many others (ps...side note kittens...she's still pissed as fuck and i'm live'n fer every minute of it with her latest mad gems "BITE ME" and "I LOVE IT WHEN YOU HATE ME" with the full album dropp'n feb 25th...yer welcome)

with the music industry grasp'n at straws fer the next biggest hit maker

to make them millions...they decided they hadda turn the tables at their formula factory by lett'n remote controlled judgmental judy taco tuesday slugs across the country phone in to pick their latest must-have sell-by-date musical sensation that would churn out starlets and soup canned contestants with KELLY CLARKSON lead'n the pack by become'n the 1st that i can freely admit i was absofuckinlutely root'n for from the very start…

that managed to churn out 3 more notable sensations (albeit non 1st placers) however ADAM JENNIFER and CHRIS ended up as 1st placers on the charts durin' in its entire 15 seasons and in my external hard drive catalog (so if you disagree with me write yer senator and bite me twat scratchers) on that cringe worthy competition series AMERICAN'S IDLE

then there were those who were plucked from obscurity thanx to the latest

at home music studio and a computer camera called youtube that vommited out vacuously saccharinated pimple popper’s like JUSTIN BIEBER who blew the teener biebers unsolicited box apart when he was discovered online which spring boarded him into the biggest internet sensation that year with his hit "BABY" which unfortunately skyrocketed his unconscious career

well it would only be a year later in 2003 when a mothers egg would hatch 

a lil puke bucket named DANIELLE BREGOLI that 14 years later in 2017 would turn into the spawn of satan's mistress who subliminally forced you to ram a knitt'n needle in yer ear by become'n the next annoyingly talentless piece of mundane dribble pissed youtube sensation thanx to an appearance on some equally incredulous therapeutic daytime dreadful daddy talk show who goes by BHAD BHABIE though these days she's best known to the brain dead biscuits brigade as the "CASH ME OUTSIDE" girl

and just when you think the internet couldn't sink any lower...out vomits this 33 year old talentless tiktok'n maxi padder AMI BIBABI with her rectally regurgitated bump and grinder pile of diarrhea "CHIN UP" that i unfortunately would succumb to an absolute built in migraine from the very first beat once i clicked on the link...nonetheless i suffered thru it til to the end fer research purposes only and yes kittens i do realize i'm only breath'n validation into their very excruciate’n existence by showcase'n their viciously vile voice on my platform around the world

though to be fair...us gen X-er's did have to suffer thru unmeasurable discomfort in 1986 with peddle push’n pastel pusher CROCKETT's "HEARTBEAT"

BUTT...it don't stop there

who doesn't love a duet? the 60's gave us the RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS

 these brothers though not connected by blood were connected instead by their cool style'n and rose to stardom with their #1 smooth ditty "YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVIN' FEELING" 

the 70's gave us those soft core pornage sounds from SEALS AND CROFT with their 8-track hit "SUMMER BREEZE"

the 80's gave us those ass shake'n brit boys WHAM! with their walk of shame bubble gum hit "WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO"

by the time the 90's had begun we hadda deal with the boys from EXCREMENT...oh wait...i'm sorry i mean EXTREME and their sappy syrup "MORE THAN WORDS" which was more than i could handle before the dramamine kicked in

unfortunately since the new millennium began there has been little to zero 

support fer brotherly bond'n duets that would be stuck in our anterior cingulate cortex of our noggin on repeat…that is until last years nauseous ejaculation of  "I'M AN ISLAND BOY"  heaved up by real life southern floriadian free-style'n tin foiled grill'n toilet bowl brush'n twosome FRANKY and ALEX VENEGAS though they're most notably known by their tough as talcum powder stage persona's KODIYAKREDD and FLYYSOULJA 

all i can say is WUT DAH FUQERY iz wrong wit youz turpentine toke'n 

tiktok'n teenie tater tots turn'n these twatwaffles into instant oatmeal celebs? i literally feel the need to run to CVS and slam a couple of clorox shooters and give myself a home lobotomy pubic perm every time someone sends me these links…just STOP IT!

i S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y weep fer the future of music

now GET OFF MY DRESS!