TWINKIES pt .1

close yer eyes and picture it kittens...the time...let's just go with the 16th

century...why not!...scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a witty acherist fox...with his band of merry men..who could shoot an arrow that could dance thru the air like the precision of the russian ballet...who stole from the rich and gave to the poor

awwwwwwwwwww!

now let's hop in our delorean...and fast forward to 3 centuries later

where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...

thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...

no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde...and their bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously...i'da give'n em a pass if they had...banks are FDIC insured fer that sorta shit anyways!

and of course who couldn ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's

i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...

back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course...cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "don't you forget about me" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year...which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine

totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "crazy for you"

although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "we are the world"...even if the song was fer a good cause...plus...i just felt LaToya was lyp-sync'n thee entire time

BUTT...F-O-C-U-S....

anywho'z'll'ding....let's get back to the story

so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...

gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r...(even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)

he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans...(hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy)...he calls me up frantically one even'n in the summer of  '85 and told me to high tale my plump and supple A double snakes out to his place...like pronto!

feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom

and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola...but totally cool...lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as fuck that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air...or lack there of (i think)...winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...

and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red)...and flew like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer...which was approximately a leisure 20 minute bike ride...though i knew he wanted me there yesterday...so i hadda pump up my cardio fer the even'n and fly thru the bike paths around lake Winona like a bat outta hell...

which...anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of fish flies

once i reached the other end of the lakes...my entire bonnie bell uncola 

smacked lips...were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip...and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned by my sharp split ends...(i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)

by the time i reached my final destination...i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's...i mean Xavier's driveway...his mother "Matilda" (more on her in another post)...rented the upstairs of her house to a guy who worked fer the local vend'n machine company...and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors of his vend'n truck

 were locked....so Xavier...always bein' a bit of a snoopy snop that he was...found out the renter fergot to lock the back doors of his truck...and when we opened the doors...we hit the mother fuck'n load of confectionery delights...

it was like a diabetics dream house inside!

thought my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...

what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone 

as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer

to him as Big Lipps from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...

i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps  ma's gold lamae colored pinto blow-about mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car...to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come

once Xavier had assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight...

we found somethin' so more that what we thought we would EVER expect to my surprise...

tune in next week fer the excruciate'n conclusion to TWINKIES...

now get off my dress!

over it!

i gotta bitch slap i gift wrapped fer that lie's sack of pig shit in the WH...

but since he shut down the government...he won't get it in time...and i got nothin' more to say...so til next year...get off my dress!

merry melodies

well...there i was all set...my bags were packed...my make-up case in tact...and as a matter of fact...

YES...i planned on bring'n along my incredibly edible not so little stock'n stuffer to that mountain in the tiny French village of Bugarach

wait'n to board the Starship Enterprise...

but turns out...the town's mayor...Jean-Pierre Delord...shut down the whole damn mountain...so of course that fucked up my whole end of the world party plans in the hay with my incredibly edible not so little stock'n stuffer...

Jean-Claude Van-Damn-He's-Hot!

last time i buy a Mayan calendar!

try'n to predict the last moment for the planet earth...

is equivalent of try'n to polish the brass on the Titanic...completely pointless and a waste of time!

history is splattered with apocalyptic panics...

where mental cases think they're the host of some mid morn'n game show

give'n away the contents of their entire piggy banks...or leave'n their sorry assed loved ones...and in some cases...even clock themselves out early...

while everyone else has to end up deal'n with the apocalyptic hangover the next day

so just fer you...some homoglazed cheer...since yer still here...

to tide you over until the next new year!

(sorry you non homo-unless yer drunk hetero's...i'm not an equal opportunity nutter...deal wit it!)

i had a top 10 list fer ya today...

but didn't wanna step on anyone's twinkle toes...and end up with a lawsuit or sump'n by year's end

so here's my top 11 fav-o-rit alcoholidazed tunes to turn you from...

“bah hum bug"      to   "bring me one more round"

"shot my baby for christmas" The Vaudvilles

"merry xxxmas" by Chunky Pam 

"christmas duel" by Cyndi Lauper and The Hives

"christmas wrapping" by The Waitresses

"you ruined my xmas" by The Supreme Fabulettes

"god rest ye merry gentlemen" by Annie Lennox

"do they know it's christmas" by Band-Aid

"happy christmas (war is over)" by Boy George and Antony

"december song" by George Michael

"merry christmas baby" by TINA TURNER

"santa baby" by Madonna

there ya have it kittens...feel'n the...

                              ho                 ho             HOld on a minute

they're with me!

so fer those plann'n on any more future catastrophic predictions...

 

ya might wanna rethink who yer gett'n yer advice from...just take it from a pro

throw the book at em!

we all know you should never judge a book...simply by it's lackluster cover

well...unless that cover...isn't delivered by that jolly fat ass this time of year on time...cuz he got busted again by some uncover cop...with tinsel down around his ankles at yer local Barnes and Noble's restroom

(hey...don't be a judgmental judy...everyone has their fantasies)

with COHEN recently finger'n the prez...simply known as "INDIVIDUAL 1"

in court documents...of course...our unfortunate mentally deranged lie'n sack of  pig shit read it as he's completely in the clear...and twatted it out to his many brain dead lobotomized deplorables and russian bots...hmmmm...

perhaps Scarecrow and Miss King Sized outta pull out the ol' speak and spell game & teach him a couple new words & there mean'ns...

right after he finish's with his bowl of KABOOM!

BUTT...i digest!

still think'n of the perfect gift to give this season...fer some reason?

why not try some literary pieces of art fer that special someone...

or that not so special fucktard who can barely make it thru read'n the directions on a box of jell-o before they have a nervous break down

though there's been many stories that have turned into motion pictures fer the small screen...and eliminated that waste of space fer that need to read

fer example...holiday classic's like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...Frosty the Snowman...or this heart warm'n holiglazed classic...that will warm the hearts of millions of those unfortunate privileged fucks...to finally get their side of the story told on film...

 this is the untold story of what really goes on in the north pole...after ol' Saint Nick has spent years runn'n a sweat shop of hard work'n ungrateful elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline and loose'n his looks to his waistline...the misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing he wants as a reward is a plate full of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice...so he foregoes the WIC programmers and opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches and a low ball of cherry infused bourbon served by a lady of the nite...to drop his low balls onto

but  if yer literally look'n fer last minute literary words of wisdom without all that holiglazed cheer fer that special queer to read anytime of the year...
perhaps you might wanna choose one of these top 10 classics i found...
that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor soon...i hope

are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up...is the total inspiration fer 1987 hit "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Pamela Anderson's "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one nite...

the story of Izzy Bigg and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert as the bashful Izzy and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE...why not!

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

set in a small but important Yugoslavian city...Aleksandar and Nicolette Vikashev hire russian asylum seeker Tali from Tobolsk as their live in houseboy to help around the house...

one even'n when Nicolette scampers on down to the local black smith to get her hooves polished...Aleksandar beckons Tali from his bedroom...who's soak'n in his tighty whiteys with a half bottle of raspberry Stoli in his grip...challenges Tali to a game of  mister twister...with bubbles and booze flow'n everywhere...the game heats up...but it's Aleksandar who gets burned when Nicolette comes home early and douses him in kerosene

starr'n Vladimir Putin as heterosexually challenged Aleksandar...Bridgette Nielsen as the amazonian wife Nicolette with a taste fer revenge...and the black smith down the road

and Tom Daley as the not so innocent wet-n-wild Tali

haven't quite titillated yer senses yet?...then how about...

well DUH!

this tells the tale of a  middle aged Yugoslavian wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...

gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's black smith

starr'n Bridgette Nielsen as the scorned web weave'n grave digg'n amazonian wife Nicolette...look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...Vladimir Putin as the politically closeted tulip sniff'n financier and 7th husband Aleksandar...with a taste fer bubble baths...and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the town's sun bath'n black smith beauty...Svetlana

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to the sequel in this trilogy of terror and intrigue...and learn how it ALL began

starr'n Vladimir Putin as the discretely distinguished and single financier "DADDY"...and Johnny Weir as the speed skate'n town tramp "TULIP" 

fer those on the DL...want'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...Augustus ends up in Harlem...meets the man called Razer Blade...who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Snoop Dog as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife...if Augustus doesn't get the job done

oh wow...i almost fergot about my fav-o-rit nite time read...

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the very cold but cautiously calculated...unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

find out what happens when you drop the soap...in the hysterical romp...

a true life docudrama about the life and times of  peruvian street whore...Rolando Rosado...doin what he can to make ends meet...jump'n from bed rooms to broom closets until he's caught sniff'n around where he doesn't belong and ends up doin hard time behind bars...where life is anything BUTT a bed of roses

starr'n Nick Jonas as the down and out of his clothes faster than children runn'n from a burn'n build'n...Rolando...and John Travolta as the hot headed crop rotation fer men prison warden model and Jenny Craig's drop-out...with a taste fer peruvian protein shakes...when these 2 meet in the showers...punishment...passion and pungent smells aren't the only thing fill'n the prison air

and last on my list of literary gems...is this master piece...

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for...when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party...as a gaggle of floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the entire cast of the Minneapolis Gay Men's Chorus as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders
(oh puhleez...we know what happens at all those late nite"rehearsal" sessions)

well kittens...glad to help ya out with some terrific read's fer next year...

hear's hope'n you get somethin' good stuffed in yer stock'ns...

now get off my dress!