pony up!

if absence makes the heart grow fonder…

then give'n it up makes you feel…you know…a lil worn out after a few hours…don'it?

charity is so very...what's the word i'm look'n for? oh yes...

time consume'n...but bein forced to live the low life as an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...there are very few high lights that make me feel complete as a non celebrated celebrity...like have'n to care fer my own damn garments...or have'n someone else pick up the tab on the town once in a while

now don't think i'm some cheap charity case...only look'n fer hand-outs...

oh no!...sometimes i'd also appreciate a complimentary hand-job from time to time...as much as i'd appreciate the other finer thing in life...like not splatter'n yer fornicational paint all over my non scotch guarded couch when yer my charity case fer the week

the only charity worth give'n to...is the charity that gives back TO YOU!

i've done my fair share of contribute'n to the delinquency of a minor...

society...to make my self worth...worth anything...but it ain't worth a pot to piss in unless yer able to brag about it to others less charitable than you

like fer instance...in my pre-pubescent pre-fame days...a group of about 10 of my very closest and dearest friends that vowed we'd never loose touch...

that i've secretly replaced their memories with other more important idols

would stop at the local HAPPY CHEF fer bottomless coffee fer a quarter nite after school...occupy'n a couple of sectionals fer a couple of hours...consume'n enough java to keep Juan Valdez crack'n the whip in the Colombian bean fields til the wee hours of the morn'n

on one particular even'n...this one particular waiter coped an attitude...

possibly due to our teenage angst riddled looks...especially mine...and made it impeccably impossible to warrant any sort of monetary charitable compensation...from at least me anyways...fer their lack of service with a smile...regardless if we were only order'n refills or not...so i decided to do the next best thing and correct them of their debilitate'n disease known as assholism...at the same time teach'n him how to read in dyslexian

but all was not wasted on said waiter...as i heard...years later they ended up in a trailer with 13 cats...knitt'n afghans fer armenians...so it felt good to pass off the charitable baton

my charitable acts have also extended into my own personal love life...

by date'n the socially retarded...the emotionally unavailable...and the chemically dependent...it was a duty that i felt needed to be done as an upstand'n non heterosexual…since i'm barely stand'n in an upright position…to give them a chance to be seen in a better light...and in return...they gave me somethin' nothin' a doctor couldn't cure within 3 to 6 weeks

but there's a plethora of celebrity endorsed charities out there that are completely laughable...mainly just try'n to balance out their own inflated over blown ego's with a charity attached to their name...unfortunately...

a majority of the donations always ended up in someone else's GUCCI girdle instead of thee intended recipients

so i figure why not donate to a charity case that at least makes me laugh...

so i searched high n low fer a charitable contribution along the informational highway one afternoon that i knew would benefit me best...and discovered that internationally known funny gal pal of stage and screen and everything in between...JACKIE BEAT...was genuinely in need of wheel barrel of wealth pronto fer a hip replacement...

at first i thought about digg'n up ol' violet eyes herself...since she had the cadillac of hip replacements back in the day and was no longer in need of them…cuz it might be a good way to help save some expenses...but apparently this was not an option...so since JACKIE had restarted my non existent career many moons ago...i decided to dip into my Guatemalan maid's change purse and make a change...by help'n out with her pelvic problems since she'd been suffer'n fer her art...literally fer a long time....and in return...she's give'n me many more years of inspiration

but you don't need to fall apart at the seams to be worthy of my donation...

i had a lil pow wow session with the woman of 1000 voices...

Nadya Ginsburg...best known fer her spot on impersonations of Cher and Winona Ryder among many others...but best loved and admired thru-out the land as...

the QUEEN herself...

who was desperately seek'n susan a boat load of benjamins to 

kick start her very own web series "MADONNALOGUES"...

so after given my hometown of the Minne-Apple a shout out in her plea...i decided to put down the pipe fer a couple of days...and generously donated to a much worthier cause...

and after see'n what my simple sacrifice has done...trust me...it was well worth my charitable contribution

see the original to really appreciate Nadya's incredibly enormous talent...and look fer her web series "MADONNALOGUES" come'n soon!

everyone dreams of strike'n it rich...whether it be play'n the slots...digg'n up some buried treasure in yer backyard...perhaps pick'n the right lotto #'s...

or simply just wait'n fer that often ignored relative in the raisin ranch to kick the can so you can collect yer win'ns

well there are other ways to get rich quick feel rich...simply by enrich'n the life of a complete stranger...maybe it's the homeless person with the peg leg and a glass eye...the pregnant teen hook'n fer heinekens...or just maybe...

 it's a benefit to benefit a little burlesque beauty with huge hilarious skills…like SELENE LUNA

i first discovered SELENE as lil Lourdes Marie Veronica Ciccone Leon and her partner in crime Nadya Ginsburg while whore'n around on YouTube...instead of the street one even'n

this burlesque beauty...stand-up comic…activist…dance club diva and star of such films like "MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...found herself recently with excruciate'n hip pain and bein' in the biz called show...call'n in sick...is never really an option…

so her good friend Margaret Cho...along with a list of other very talented artists...have decided to help out with a lil laughter fer yer benefit to help benefit SELENE...since she's unable to make any moolah to just pay fer the essentials in life cuz she's unable to perform while gett'n the therapy she so desperately needs...

if yer in the LA area or surround'n burbs on sat may 24th…or just wanna plan yer family vacation...same sex wedd'n after party...briss or bar mitzvah around this fabulous event…
get tickets here

but even if yer not in the LA area…you can simply help out SELENE here til she's back on her feet

fer change to happen...YOU must make a change...

so start by change'n yer shitty shorts and yer shitty attitude...ferget about slurp'n on another iced mocha caramel laced latte crappichino...or choke'n down a bucket of chicken wings...put down that crack pipe...return that fancy schmancy lacy panty set after a nite of try'n to recapture some youth (wait...that don't smell right..scratch that)...and pony up some change fer a change to a worthy cause...whatever cause it may be...cuz in the end...you'll change the world!

i'm outta my mind Sally Struthers!

now get off my dress!

who's yer daddy?

well…i’ll tell ya one thing…it sure as shit ain’t ME!

i accimentally gave myself a home lobotomy this weekend...TWICE...

so i couldn't think str8 (and seriously... why the H-E-double hockey stix would i anyways?)...and like any television series that's comes to an end until the new season begins...today's episode is a rerun...so i give you a piece of my past...to relish in fer the 1st time or relive it all over again...enjoy!

i’ve come to accept this is now the category i fall under to 20 somethin’s out there in desperadoville…i was there myself at their age…the only difference was…i never expected my 40 somethin’ stalkers to foot the bill…or take them for granted...i’m not the type who expects nor likes the pamper’n process without reciprocate’n the pamper’n process at the same time but...

pamper’n really belongs on small whiny puke buckets...

and prune poachers...period!

so anywho’zll ding…i got a wild hair up my naturally smooth anal entrance a few weekends back and decided to text my library of contacts to see if anyone else was in the mood for a random road trip to Oprahville...

5 minutes later i got the only spontaneously intelligent response from my 20 somethin’ road tripper

 who text me “when shud i b redy?’

2 hours later we were off to the windy city…and my only purpose...

for said spontaneous trip was fer clown shoes...why not!

it was a joyful ride on the way down…since i hadn’t initiated a road trip on my own out of state since (hmmm…lemme think fer a minute)…ok *DING* times up…it was needed

i learned a new road trip game that totally beats the alphabet game…

whatever city was up ahead was the name of the reign’n queen of that town and there was a back story we made up of said queen within seconds of spott’n the sign…try it…you’ll love it!

fer example...Baraboo : mulatto queen who wears lots of feathers...

and thinks Beyonce should be president

Mauston : a queen in her advanced years with a limp leg and a glass eye...

 who lives fer Shirley Bassey's catalog...plus...she's discovered a lump!

Waunakee: middle eastern indian queen with tourettes...

obsessed with old school Cher songs and enters any pageant she can to help pay fer her "trans"formation

after a lil hydroplane right outside of Illinoyed…

we arrived at my friend’s around 10ish…and no time was wasted with small talk…we said the proverbial “hey…how’s it been?…got anything to eat?…we’re goin out”…cuz i was in need of many cocktails from the hydroplane shakes i was still recover’n from

so off to HYDRATE…

a very 90’s look’n danceteria…but with free cocktails thrown at us

why complain?

after meet’n up with my co-pilot's X…and soak’n up the eye candy…we popped in next door to Elixir fer more alcoholic freebies and chitter chatter with the locals…by midnite…i was pumkin pie…so i left the 20 somethin’s to themselves and went back to my friend’s to count sheep

by morn’n…mr. friend had gone to work and left me house keys…my mission was clear…but i didn't wanna go on this adventure alone…so i chatted on line to the locals and snagged me a headless horseman

within minutes...but let’s get real here…when non heterosexuals see yer an outta towner…fer me at least…it's like shoot’n fish in a horny barrel!

he could only send a face shot thru text…which ended up bein’ a picture of a cell phone block’n his face…cuz he had to be “discreet”….(which 99% of the time means they’re f*ck’n around on someone) but i didn’t wanna spend all day hunt’n fer company…so i said why not to a free lunch…since i wasn’t expect’n a marriage proposal or my co-pilot anytime soon...

so he told me what he was wear’n and all that jazz…and we decided to meet half way

as i’m gett’n to the half way mark…i’m look’n all over fer a guy with a stripped shirt…khaki shorts (i know…UGH right?) and a cell phone hot glued to his face…i notice across the street someone match’n this description (minus the cell phone in the face)…so instead of make’n an A double snake of myself…i decided to call…and sure enough with the cell phone in his face…it was a match

first impressions…like’n the “look”…obvious that he works out…

(stunt hottie in picture)

but i was more into his outfit…and what i need to do to get him outta it…HA…only kidd’n (maybe not!)

he apologizes fer being “discreet” in his picture…but he’s an attorney fer the state of Illinoyed…which i didn’t really care about his ferry tales…since i was in town on a reconnaissance mission as an undercover KGB agent...

with my co-hort in crime...i just wanted someone to have lunch and hang out with while i was in town (since i fergot my chloroform spray at home…i hadda do it the hard way)

lunch was good…then he asked if he could hang out fer a while…

i was game since his blue bug eyes were no longer bugg’n me…(hey i’m just give’n ya a visual…not judge’n)

he asked what i was in town fer…and like a small child with tourettes i said

“CLOWN SHOES” 

(like i would be there fer anything else...Oprah no longer lives there)

he oddly laughed but took me to Beatnik’s…wear i found em…but decided to wait on gett'n em and meandered to the holy grail that any non heterosexual male with taste…“Borderline’s”…jammed packed with any...

 and all you could possibly ever want to own by Madonna musically whether it be on dvd or cd format...and many other hard to find artists

after he induced the Madge coma…he no longer existed in my world (even though i had been here a few times in the past) each time was like goin…

on a roller coaster ride until you puked...but after 20 minutes…i pulled the plug and left without purchase…but secretly knew i would be back before return’n home

still no word from my co-pilot…me and attorney man (thing is…though i found him attractive and easy to talk to…i had my premonitions as to why i didn’t need to remember his name...which you'll find out soon enough) walked around a bit more…small chitter chatter and he convinced me to go on a date with him later in the even’n…and i agreed…so it was set….he was gonna take a nap…after all it was 5 o’clock and he was 45

i declined the offer to “nap” since we all know what that means…

besides i was wide awake…and didn’t want to do the walk of shame so early in the even’n…any respectable person knows…that is best saved fer the break of dawn hours only

so after a simple peck he said he’d call me in a couple hours and take me to

BERLIN fer MADONNARAMA nite

this guy is either psychic or knows how to just have a good time…either way…i would rather be no where else…and as i walked away…he told me to stop at “Buck’s” to see the “tootsie roll”

whatever that meant…an hour later i met up with my co-pilot and his X fer cocktail hour...we stopped at Roscoe’s fer a pre cocktail cocktail hour but the lines were too long already…and i wait NO where fer a drink unless it’s Madonna or Boy George serve’n me a tacky margarita

and fer some reason...i don't see that happen'n anytime soon...so i suggested Buck’s across the street…and off we went

it dawned on me as i seen the 6’4 non caucasian bartender make’n candy shots fer the 40 somethin’ gaggle of soccer moms with bad Molly Ringwald

haircuts (we included ourselves in the cheer since it was my bday weekend getaway as well) to ask him to see the “tootsie roll” as my date suggested

he laughed...hmmm…was it somethin’ i said?

minutes later…and keep in mind it’s only 5:30ish in a fairly packed bar on a sunday even’n…without any warn’n…i found out what all the “tootsie roll” fuss was all about…mr. bartender had let his pet anaconda “tootsie roll" outta his “cage”…BUT…it was no tootsie roll…OH NO!...it was more like

mr. snuffaluffagus’s trunk! 

(just close yer eyes and visualize since there is not enough space on here to advertise...and i am not joke'n when i say that)

though in shock (and i rarely get shocked)…i felt like i was aboard the...

millennium falcon and gett’n pulled into the death star’s tractor beam

the co-pilot fumbled fer his camera like madam butterfly have'n a corinary

but this was not to be a repeat performance

after the flirtation and free cocktails ended…my date finally showed up and off we went to pit stop #2…the Lucky Horseshoe

i wanted to see if the “professional dancer” that i met the last time i was

in town was there (doin' a research project of course)...and of course he hadda educate me on the difference between a "stripper" and a "professional dancer" righhht!...that's like say'n some people say the glass is half empty...some say it's half full...i say "where's the fuck'n bartender?"

plus...he was the only reason to visit this shit hole of a bar…

i mean…this quaint lil shit hole of a bar

he was on his “professional dancer” break…(which i’m pretty sure meant he was “make’n rent” with some guy from meals-on-wheels in the back room)…but i’m not hear to judge…i know the economy ain’t the best in these try’n times

so me…my date…and the co-pilot (the X left due to being a downer to this outta-towner) did a quick shot in the back of the bar…and had the bartender take the proverbially cheesy “here we are gett’n shit faced at a strip joint fer our next facebook post”

and i no longer was high on my buzz as i noticed outta the corner of my eyes in the mirror behind us…my co-pilot and my date thumb wrestle’n

behind my back!

i had no plans on a marriage proposal mind you…but if yer a 45 year old "discreet" adult and make a date with me…you don’t try and recapture yer youth with some 20 somethin’ tattooed sing’n STD (hey in my story...he may have had one…i cannot deny or confirm)

and if yer a 20 somethin’ tattooed sing’n STD...who just got a ride outta town and a place to stay fer free…you ought think twice before cross’n...

a queen!

i ignored it for now…since it was all about MADONNARAMA nite at BERLIN

we were the first in line…and 20 minutes later we were inside… it was as if the gates of that mythical pillow factory in the sky had opened and invited us in

i didn’t want to waste one moment on chitter chatter any longer…i was like

“hey mister dj…put a record on”...and i was off to the floor

i grabbed both my entourage’s to hit the floor with me…but they resisted…i didn’t have a care in the world…i just floated up to the center platform and stayed there fer the next 60 minutes…sweat’n my A double snakes off…it was surreal to see the sea of Madge madness around me…envelope’n me

into their circle…i felt like Ester Williams in cocktail heels but after one too many tried to show off their best vogue moves on the center platform that i had pretty much occupied the entire 60 minutes…along with this hostess twinkie and his match’n hag…i missed my foot’n and crowd surfed to the floor…not by choice but by the voguers now that have take’n over my territory…no biggy

well except…wait…what ever happened to my 2 entourages i came with?...

hmmm…were my premonitions comin’ true?

as i scanned the crowd fer any sign of either of them…

i was gett’n outta my buzzed blouse and into my pissed off pants

seconds later as the crowd somehow split like the dead sea…i noticed them both…walk’n joyfully hand in hand…like a priest on a playground...that is...

until they spotted me and immediately disengaged their hands and pretended as if they had never seen each other before in their life

i got him into a remington party...and he repays me in metaphoric puke!

instead of break’n down and say’n “you know…i have a little prepared speech i tell my suitor when he wants more than i'd like to give him…gee blank i had a really nice time...ahhh...you don't deserve my fucking speech!”

 i decided to just walk right out the door back to my friend's place as if i just survived the school blow’n up in my face…there’s a new HEATHER in town!

i ignored all 13 texts i received that nite from them both deny’n they had no idea what i was upset about or that “we were look’n for you everywhere” crap line…and i also ignored the co-pilot's desperado phone calls til 3 am plead’n to answer the phone so he could have a warm place to sleep

i could’a cared less if they did or didn’t fornicate that nite…fer reals...

ok maybe just a wee bit...but that's cuz of the cocktails...i swear on a stack of Madonna cd's

see...thing is…you may be a 20 somethin' singer in a band…

but i’m a 40 somethin' queen with a car!

don’t fuck with a queen or you’ll get a heel to yer head...

i am no one’s daddy…i’m a queen at heart!

now...get off my dress!