HANNIBALS & GRRRANIMALS

i think it was Miss Stevens who said it best in 1965 with her sultry purrr

teach me tiger...i would kiss you...wa...wa...wa...wah

show me tiger...i would kiss you...wa...wa...wa...wah

take my lips...they belong to you

but teach me first...then...teach me what to do!

known as the more subservient pussy cat of the jungle...the tiger has had 

it's fair share of the spotlight thru-out the ages...fer instance...as the flamboyantly limp wristed butt buddy of the whimsical bear Winnie...TIGGER always flounced and bounced his way thru Poohville...tip toe'n thru the tulips by the end of his tail

another famous ferocious feline from the forest was He-man's personal 

uber from the Masters of the Universe galaxy...BATTLE CAT...who was the mild mannered cowardly Cringer by day...with his deep emerald fur and cascade'n marigold stripes...this was one puss you didn't wanna piss off when her claws came out to fight

with his overly jovial presence in every bowl of frosted flakes...proclaim'n 

therrrrrrrre GRRRRRRREAAAAAT!...TONY THE TIGER was every child's coolest cat to start the day off right...with just a simple cherry colored kerchief wrapped around his thick neck as his only accessory to accent his cheeto colored fur while point'n towards the sky shout'n out his corporate mind numb'm slogan...the S&M community knew exactly what code Tony was try'na sell to his kinky frosted followers (google it kittens) it's absolutely frighten'n when i found out what it exactly means

BUTT...there's another 

with the CO-VID 19 runn'n rampant thru-out the unisver as i currently type 

i thought i'd try and calm my frazzled nerves from all those long lonely days & nites i've spent alone fer the past 10 days...incarcerated in my 2 room shit box (i mean my quaint lil 2 room shit box) that's made me feel like a trapped schizophrenic gerbil...by find'n somethin' to occupy my queerless quarantine along with my mind...then literally just at that very moment i received a frantic text from a friend suggest'n that i immediately check out the latest MUST SEE mini series on Netflix

i figered...why the H-E-double hockey stix not...i needed to take a break

from edit'n the neighbor's debut on PORNHUB after i had secretly replaced my binoculars with a zoom lens just the nite before...so i sauteed some styrofoam chips on a bed of grilled card board cut-outs and lightly sprinkled 'em with papaya sea salts & decided to grab my Blanche Devereaux tiki glass from the collection that Peetrinella will surely pick up fer my 50th this fall by click'n here (hurry...supplies are limited) and filled it to the rim with sparkling clean ice cold "himalayan mountain" water

 

don't worry...i don't use that blue rinse in my tidy bowl anymore kittens!

i was not expect'n the experience i would be privy to...but was pleasantly 

pleased at the trailer park train wreck i was witness'n from the moment i pressed play...it was like heroin...i couldn't stop til there was nothing left...but it kept me desperately want'n more...starr'n root'n toot'n redneck'n bleach blonde bi-level'd prince albert'd mid life crisis and Mr. Zuba 1998 thru 2017...the one and only TIGER KING...JOE EXOTIC...owner of G.W. ZOO in Wynnewood Oklahoma

and his diabolical arch nemesis...the cunning lioness...with the killer...ummm...golden locks...CAROL BASKIN...owner of the BIG CAT RESCUE...a sanctuary fer battered and neglected big cats...located near Tamps FL

now...since the show is still fairly new...and we still got roughly about 2 to  

3 ill fated months ahead of us with this deadly invisible apocalypse bullshit (hopefully no more than that) so i won't give away ANY spoilers in this batshit crazy series to those that have not yet seen it...but i never want this trailer park car crash to end...do you understand me? so there for...i will be send'n this blog in a letter form via the pigeon messenger service to creator of thee best serial killer series on tv today...Ryan Murphy

who desperately needs to fulfill my deathbed wish if i should happen not to make it thru all this crap alive...i've already took it upon myself to cast the cast from previous seasons to keep the continuity flow'n (cuz ya don't need a call from the actor's union reps) and to have the season showcased exactly how i intended it to be viewed by the viewers

 (FYI...i'm sorry but this is non negotiable Ryan)

DYLAN MCDERMOTT of course would return to play the lead JOE EXOTIC (since they closed down his online "pay per view" performances...after that unfortunate "itchy outbreak" he experienced by himself a few months back...or so i heard ) he's sooo grrranimal already...obviously it's like a total no brainer...besides...ya don't wanna piss off yer picky pansies that tuned in fer the last 9 seasons

and no one would kill it more than FRANCIS CONROY portray'n cat lover CAROL BASKIN...enough said!

anyone read'n this that hasn't yet watched the series...LEAVE NOW!

cuz i have to reveal the rest of the crackhead castaways...so don't go call'n yer senators or moan'n to yer mayor about it if you didn't...cuz you've been warned...with that said...Joe's 3 husbands...YES...and did i happen to mention...they're all "straight" (yea...but really...so is a noodle...til ya cook it and that's a fact jack!) hubby #1 JOHN FINLAY...hubby #2 TRAVIS MALDONADO & hubby #3 DILLON PASSAGE

in order from above...JOHN shall be played by hot toddy EVAN PETERS cuz he deserves the most air time if i'm bein' honest here...TRAVIS will go to FINN WITTROCK cuz i am confident he can kill his portrayal...and DILLON will be portrayed by GLEE alumni DARREN CRISS
(grrrrrrr...am i right kittens?) 

reality producer and professional crack smoker since his days at INSIDE EDITION (a lil birdy tells me) RICK KIRKHAM is almost the perfect doppelganger fer DENIS O'HARE

store owner and FBI informant...JAMES GARRETSON...is the role absolutely made fer the impeccably perfectionist KATHY BATES (hey...we gotta cater to the gender fluid crowd so they don't start another damn protest parade)

zoo keeper and Miss DumbShit Amputee 2013...KELCI "SAFF" SAFFERY will of course go to the brilliant character actress SARAH PAULSON...it may be small but still a very important pivotal role none the less...i'm predict'n an EMMY award right here

sidewinder and swindler of the the G.W. ZOO out from under Joe...JEFF LOWE will be covered by the bedroom brown eyes of one ZACHARY QUINTO (i want him to play it authentically...so make sure he gets baby blue contacts Ry)

after answer'n a craigslist ad...ERIK COWIE became the "head" keeper...and we all know that CHEYENNE JACKSON has plenty-o experience in both those departments!

and while yer at it Ryan...why not get the writers of Avenue Q on the horn

and have'em pen the Broadway smash hit of the season...just in time fer the Tony's cuz the actors will be look'n fer a meaty role to sink their teeth into after this virus thing passes...and i know this will be THE ONE they'll all be clammer'n to be apart of...with musical score by BOY GEORGE of course 

hey...the TABOO musical and especially the soundtrack was absofuck'nlutely brilliant...that anal wart Michael Riedel was bein' a complete cuntruffle towards BOY's talent that year...just cuz he wouldn't autograph Michael's personality

(that's all i'm say'n)

stop down to yer local drug store (at a socially acceptable distance of course) and pick up yer copy TODAY...it's totally worth it just fer the free poster alone...plus

it'll help balance out yer room decor...displayed proudly next to that autographed Ralph Machio poster you still refuse to get rid of since the 80's...that you never knew what just signed by yer aunt Orlene!

of course there's a few more crackheads i fergot about...but trust me

you will too (meeeouch) now GET OFF MY DRESS!

B-I-N-JESUZ OH NO!

oh how i miss the good ol' days of the yester years...hopped up on a sugar

rush from choke'n down on a bag of chemically flavored orange circus peanut sponge goodness and munch'n on almond covered windmill cookies...then wash'n it all down with a fresh glass of triple berry hawaiian punch...(cuz double berry just didn't have the same kick)

spend'n mid-morn'n summer afternoons at my grama's palace as we both 

shouted at the tv the correct answers to the questions in hopes that the brain dead contestants on any give'n game show would of course hear us...my grama would inevitably murmur "damn fool" under her breath...

 as the contestant would burst outta their seams...think'n that they had answered correctly and won the whole enchilada...not realize'n they had blurted out the wrong answer...both of us knew damn well...that if we were there...we'da won the damn money...

or that fully functional golden harvest colored Amana radar range! 

BUTT...of course
 (the real star of the show wasn't the contestants or the fabulous prizes...it was the host)

from everyone's fav-o-rit snappy schizophrenic dresser on the popular

"MATCHGAME"...there was Gene Rayburn

to the dapperly flirtatious swingers club hostess with the mostess...Bob Eubanks of "The NEWLYWED GAME"

of course who can ferget the 2 hottest daytime daddies of the game show 

circuit...Bert Convy of  "PASSWORD"..."SUPER PASSWORD" and "TATTLESTALES"

and mister meeeeouch himself...Peter Tomarken of "PRESS YOUR LUCK" fame
(who made my pants tight many a times over)

wish'n his WHAMMIE would blow my mind apart that he had hidden under those tight tan poly slacks

though we've all done our best to ferget about that horrible incident at a

motel 6 in Sheboyban, WI that ended the career of tv's slickster Wink Martindale from the popular "TIC TAC DOUGH"...who got busted runn'n a "paws fer perv's" S&M puppy mill...

with numerous back issues of some inappropriate read'n material scattered about...allegedly!

i dreamed a lil dream on occasion that i too would star in my very own

game show where i would be the host...i would call it somethin' like "BITE THE BULLET" where all the contestants on my show would be anyone that's ever done me wrong (family friend...mo or bro) and they would be forced to line up in formation and only have 15 seconds to give me a good reason not to make them "BITE THE BULLET" between their eyeballs

well...i may have to tweek that idea fer a television audience of more than

just me...but in the meantime...i finally got to fulfill one of my life long dreams of bein' the host of my own untelevised game show this past weekend at LIFETIME FITNESS in the Target Center fer their ST. JUDE'S B-I-N-G-O event

i was ABSOLUTELY shocked as shit...when i finally decided to show up

to my destination...cuz the crowd wait'n impatiently in line looked like they were in town fer some sorta MAGA monster truck rally...wrapped around the block as far as i could see...but come to find out i was pleasantly pleased that the word apparently had gotten out that thee actual unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe was host'n this charity event 

and not some imposter!

from what i understand...there was even a handful that had camped out

 overnite...though i cannot confirm...nor will i bother to deny it!

now...it had been just a few years since i myself won play'n BINGO with 

my cuz Carey at the MOOSE Bar & Grill in the N.E. Minne-Apple area that we've done every sat afternoon fer the past 3 some years now...but i felt like i completely won the best cover all prize of all that day...thank CHER fer back door entrances and security cuz it would turn into a moshpit with no where to escape from the throngs of rabid fans just try'na get a lil sneaky peak of lil ol' me

a lil sidetrack story...when i actually won my 1st bingo game a few years

ago...i was over the moon...i mean it was only $175 at the time...but hey...now i could finally afford one of those high price hookers who had all their shots up to date (and papers fer proof) 

but my luck would be short lived when some lucky blue haired glittered 

 colostomy bag named Beatrice with her stock pile of good luck charms...multi colored machine gun dabber and her lucky styrofoam cup she stole from old blue's eyes himself after they became jitterbug champs at the VFW in Vegas back in '59...and with her one good hawk eye...blurted out B-I-N-G-O

well...needless to say kittens...i was not very pleased to hear this news 

cuz not only did i have to split my winn'ns with Bea...it also meant that i would have to gamble once again later that nite on my "extra curricular activities" in hopes that i wouldn't have to visit the red door clinic in the morn'n...

so i went out to the park'n lot and slashed the back tires on her hoveround to teach her a lesson!

where was i now? oh yes...well...thanx to the lovely staffers Chauncey... 

Beatrice and the bubbly bartenders Phillip and Mary who kept the bubbly flow'n all afternoon and of course my lovely co-hort Karona Vyris...who took care of all my balls

as my security detail finally decided to show up to guide me thru the over

zealous crowds claw'n at me fer mere moment alone...i blew my adore'n fans a vaccinated kiss as they took numerous unsolicited photos of myself while i slowly faded into the mist

sincerely though...i wanna thank ALL who showed up from the bottomless pit of my uncomplicated heart...the B-I-N-G-O event and my foray into the world of host'n my very own game show was a complete success and everyone went away a winner...just cuz they got to see my premier!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!