TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH pt. 1

did you know that one of my all-time fav-o-rit fairy tales from my ancient

non sexual non heterosexual period in life was not about felines at all kittens...OH NO! it was actually about those 3 lil oinkers with glandular issues

2 of them have'n issues with their home owners insurance...

while one of them solidified the walls around them so tough that no one could get to him...unless of course he wanted them in!

just like that fairy tale taught me about the worthless and those not weak

i could easily compare each one of those lil piglets build'n skills against my own personalities thru-out my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career that it made me reminisce about this one particular bulky bilateral twisted teeter tottered train wreck who i became engulfed with in some distorted kamikaze livin' arrangement fer roughly 9 months one afternoon as i was rummage'n down the beverage aisle between the chitter chatter'n jitter bugs and diet cokeheads try'na find myself some energy drink to get my buzz on

let's go back in time to 1997 when i was work'n as the sportshop manager

and periodically the front desk check in chick to cover fer breaks at some popular downtown fitness center which technically anyone who worked the front desk in the 90's anywhere in the downtown area hadda deal with their fair share of cuntankerous "karen's" years before the current crop popped up durin' today's pleasant pandemic

well on this one particular even'n when i had happened to be check'n in 

and check'n out the meaty packages while try'n not to cringe at the camel toes i was desperately ignore'n who were arrive'n fer the last spin class of the day after most of the downtown workers had scattered like diabetic cockroaches in their moderately priced highly stylish honda accord back to their costco comfort zone of the burbs when this one particular steroidal package who looked the spitt'n image of PETER DINKLAGE (plus a foot and a half) with his miami viced hi-lites and his evil grin caught me off guard when he asked me a few weeks after check'n him in and me check'n him out if i wanted to go grab a slice of pizza and beer sometime to which i nonchalantly muttered with a smile "sure thing" think'n it was all just small talk as usual 

now i have never been a big fan of fortune cookie predictions or any kinda

astrological prophecy's...unless someone hypothetically threw a cement block directly at my throat i would be completely oblivious that someone had ANY sorta interest in me beyond scann'n their card at the register or front desk though on this particular even'n even my assistant boss at the time picked up on it and secretly said to me as Peter walked away "ummm...do you flirt much?" i was gobsmacked that that my co-worker not only picked up on it but told me to go fer it (everyone at my gym were gossip gurls back then and we ALL knew which side everyone's bread was buttered on that we worked with)

BUTT wait there's more...

flash foward to roughly 2 or 3 months of hang'n out with Peter after our

first slice at a downtown popular pizza joint late one nite then usually every other week at a different hidden low lit location thru-out the city when one day he asked me at the gym to maybe hang out at his palace and watch a movie which was roughly 5 miles from my quaint lil shithole i was live'n in at the time and i had agreed to his more intimate invitation

i was without motor transportation at the time and he had just gotten

home from a rough day at work however i didn't wanna bother him to come scoop up my plump A double snakes so i packed my over nite bag with all the essentials...vcr (he mentioned he hadn't had one) with some deep think'n brain dead vhs starr'n Bruce Willis and Richard Queer...my apricot facial scrub...some jean nate' after bath body splash...the greatest hits of ANNE MURRAY…why not! and some spermicidal jams though i may have been a bit presumptuous...by now i didn't wanna be caught off guard just in the off chance he wanted to "HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT"

as i trudged thru the 5 miles in the darkness of the nite from my comfort 

zone to crackville avenue where he was live'n i hoped i wouldn't be confronted by some big bad drug wolf or street skank look'n fer a cheap wank when i finally felt flutterbies in a frenzy flapp'n around my innards as i nervously approached what i had hoped was his front steps cuz my only communicado durin' this time period was via a telephone attached to the wall which i only hoped he’d give'n me the exact directions and not sent me on some wild loose goose chase

as i made my way to the front steps i noticed the door was ajar and as i

popped my head inside call'n out his name i heard his faint reply from the back part of the house to come on in so i opened the door all the way and there below my feet was a miniature trail of tea candles all lit and laid out like breadcrumbs fer me to follow to find my flirtatious fellow

as i followed deeper and deeper into the house i was reminded of the last

fizzled out fuck that i had gotten too wrapped up into by their inactions and was way more apprehensive to think anything more of this than just some twisted scavenger hunt...however as i reached the end of the trail which lead me to his bathroom door there he was marinate'n in a bath full of mr. bubbles cover'n his indiscretion with his hands so i did what any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do and plopped down on the porcelain god and asked how his day was

round about 2 months later he had asked me to quit my manager position 

where i was make'n bank fer the first time in my fitness career and join his paint'n biz...oh and also break my lease to move in with him which at this point i was absolutely shocked and frankly amazed how fast everything was goin then i firmly stated without any mixed messages that i did not want to live with another roommate scenario to which he reiterated how he wanted me inside…his home…nervously i decided to throw caution to the wind and turned myself into some gaggy giddy maxi-padder on prom nite as i fulfilled his every request even though we had NEVER consummated our "join'n of the assets" outside of give'n him nitely back massages after a hard work out at the gym

he pretty much took care of everything from expenses to groceries and all 

i was required to do was to cook his 3 meals daily...keep his house spic and span of which he got lucky since i had already possessed the JOAN CRAWFORD gene deep within me fibers and feed his cat all of which i thought was a completely fair trade off and had zero issue fulfill'n since i was now take'n a deep nose dive with my bi-weekly checks i had become so accustomed to

one nite we were invited to my bff  PEETRINELLA's house party and i was

more than happy to finally come to one of her fantabulous soiree's as a plus one fer a change where we mingled amongst the crowd sipp'n on sangria's nibble'n on her tasty buffet that was of course an almost perfect nite…however…thunder began to clash as i pulled off my sash of most popular party guest all cuz of some pompous pussy in boots that i'm pretty positive were prada knock-off's...a pale blue blouse unbuttoned down to his non existent chest and cheap cream colored chino's marinate'n in fahrenheit by Dior that drug out the the WENDY RICHTER within me as he decided to callously spray come hither compliments towards my new plus one

 which would eventually turn into some WWE match in PEETINELLA's kitchen as the rest of her unsavory party guests began encompass'n us in a circle as we each death stared the other down throw'n verbal snarky barbs back and forth until i quickly shut down the entire smack down by bein’ politely pissed off suggest'n to him "have you ever tried pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers?"

tune in next week fer the concussion of TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

I AM WOMAN...HEAR ME ROAR!

picture it kittens...it was the spring of 1999 when diabetic hopeful TESS

WEISHAUS represented the beautiful city of Bundy MN try'na balance the world's largest ball of twine atop her head while try'n to snatch the title of MISS MINNESOTA in the hysterically dark indy comedy where the beauty pageant turns deadly and becomes all to crystal clear (H-E-L-L-O) when someone goes to any length to win in "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS"

if you have not seen this flick then run and rent it/buy it/stream it...whatever you gotta do...it's a fuck'n hoot of what real award shows should be all about!

BUTT anyways....

it's that time a year when all of hollyweirds glitzkriegs and glamour toads

plump up their non existent pout and tout their tired tush and waxed bush down the red carpets from the INDIES to the OSCARS to give another vomit indulgent acceptance speech and squeeze out a single tear to thunderous applause then grab as many free fancy schmancy swag bags as possible in case their last movie bombed and the studio heads make a stop payment on their check

though personally fer me...it's really all about after so many uninvited invitations lost in the mail i’m sure that i will be able to F-I-N-A-L-L-Y attend the view'n party at my fav-o-rit rest stop fer some mouth water'n olive tapenade sunbathin' on some deliciously rustic italian sourdough bread and wash'n it down with a slightly chilled glass combo of champagne and chambord with a couple of plump raspberries pirouette'n gallantly at the bottom amongst an array of other deliciously orphaned frost bit nibbly's chipped outta the freezer from the previous holiday soirée thru-out the vote'n process...this of course is non negotiable so tick tock PEETRINELLA...T-I-C-K-T-O-C-K!

however somethin' more my cup of award tea is really just on the ROCKS!

more specifically THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME where we can make or break some bad ass with their pipes place in the musical archives of history!

and trust me...this years nominations HAVE NOT disappointed me EVER!

though it can only come down to 5 inductees so lets start with my 1st and fav-o-rit...born PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI who became a classically trained mezzo-soprano with her 4.5 octave range however was itch'n fer the wild side of the stage so PATTY quit her bank teller job who transformed into the bad ass bosom ballet rocker PAT BENATAR debut'n in 1979 with her album "IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT" that included the smash tinder swindler anthem "HEARTBREAKER" and the JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP cover "I NEED A LOVER" who went on to sell over 35 million records world wide...release'n 10 more albums...snatch'n 4 grammy's thru-out her amaze'n career and made it to the top of the charts with her take no shit from no one anthem "LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD" from her "LIVE FROM EARTH" album

though it's worth the honorary mention to mention another legend since 

this 70's songbird has decided to respectfully withdraw her name fer consideration this time around the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME has decided to keep her a permanent nominee which goes to prove the sheer impact MISS PARTON has had since the beginn'n of her career...born in a one room rustic shack along the banks of the Little Pigeon River in Tennessee in 1946 the 4th oldest of 12 sibs...DOLLY REBECCA was born to perform and by age 10 she did just that on "THE CAS WALKER SHOW" release'n her 1st sugar coated single "PUPPY LOVE" at 13...by 1967 the world would be introduced to the country legend known as DOLLY PARTON after bein' discovered sing'n her ditzy ditty "DUMB BLONDE" then was invited to co-host with country's blonde pompadoured PORTER WAGONER on his tv series "THE PORTER WAGONER SHOW" though she was seen as the sing'n pariah from the conservative audience cuz DOLLY ousted former co-host NORMA JEAN (no NOT the MARILYN one) fer 7 years until she decided to break out on her very own however not before release'n her farewell resignation song to PORTER "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" in 1973 (that had somewhat moderate success i heard from the rerecorded version in that Costner flick back in 1992) with 52 albums under her jacked up to jezus do's contain'n smash singles like "JOLENE" "COAT OF MANY COLORS" and "BETTER GET TO LIVIN'" to name a few from the 5000+ she's penned thru-out her illustrious career also share'n the stage with friends KENNY ROGERS on "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM" and BOY GEORGE "YOUR KISSES ARE CHARITY" among many many others over the years also fiddle'n the theme songs on her acrylic nails from "9 TO 5" to "STRAIGHT TALK" with her over-the-top attributes and act'n abilities DOLLY is country music's #1 most successful songstress in history 

next up comes a duo from across the pond who began in the lil unknown

band "THE TOURISTS" from 1977 until 1980 when the band split before have'n modest success cover'n DUSTY SPRINGFIELD's "I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU" in 1979

3 years later the duo consist'n of  ANNIE LENNOX and DAVE STEWART would form the euro synth pop sensation who branded themselves as the "EURYTHMICS" and with ANNIE's gender'n bend'n style and army approved orange julius buzz cut ANNIE's voice would rule thru-out the 1980's thanx to their 2nd album release of  "SWEET DREAMS (are made of this)" with the album title break'n visual barriers and boundaries fer a new way to experience their music thanx to the age of MTV become'n one of the biggest songs of 1983 among many other glorious tracks like my fav-o-rit leopard printed madness of "RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE" also duet'n with the queen of soul ARETHA FRANKLIN on "SISTERS ARE DOIN IT FOR THEMSELVES" then decided to take a 10 year break from record'n before they released their 1st single the beautifully somber hit  "17 AGAIN" off their last album "PEACE" EURYTHMICS would release 7 more albums accompanied by 33 staple singles before the new millennium began when they decided to hang up their towels to begin their respectable solo careers

follow'n in the footsteps of absofuckinlutely fantastical sweet songbirds 

from the 70's who began her career by team'n up with her sister LUCY in the group the "SIMON SISTERS" in 1967 release'n 3 albums with the moderate hit "WINKIN' AND BLINKIN'" until  LUCY decided to leave the group cuz of her girly parts act'n up i think (listen kittens...i don't really care to invest that much research into her since she's not nominated kapeesh!) and CARLY SIMON would take the 1970's by storm winn'n a grammy fer best new artist in 1971 with breezy confessional hits like "ANTICIPATION" and "HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN" and release'n the biggest mystery in pop music history about the song's narcissistic lover on the track "YOU'RE SO VAIN" that in 2003 CARLY would sell to a buyer fer $50,000 under the provision that they NEVER reveal who the narcissistic lover was although she would reveal in 2003 that the song was about 3 lovers...WARREN BEATTY bein only one with the 2 others unnamed to this very day...by the 1980's CARLY would release her 9th record with my all time fav scorned lover's diss with "JESSE" and continued to record release'n 24 albums in total 

and last but certainly not the least of them all...cousin to the late and great 

MISS "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" HOUSTON born in 1940 DIONNE WARWICK was a singer...actress...tv host and goodwill ambassador that began her career in a gospel group called the DRINKARD SINGERS until her solo career took off in 1962 when she was discovered sing'n back-up fer THE DRIFTERS and released her very first single "I SMILED YESTERDAY" with many accolades under her glittered belt include'n 6 grammy's and a lifetime achievement award to name a few by 2019 DIONNE is best known fer the sooth'n cool stylish hits like "I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER" (that she even dueted with the BOY years later on SOLID GOLD) and "WALK ON BY" and the classic 80's over dramatic cardio vascular ache'n anthem "HEARTBREAKER"

so there ya have it kittens my top 5 nominees with a well deserved place 

in musical history...VOTE BY CLICK'N HERE fer yer fav's from now once every day until april 5th

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

NEVER NEVERLAND NONSENSE

picture it kittens...the year was the 1600's and oh what time it was to be

A-L-I-V-E....a long haired sour pussed smarty britches named ISAAC NEWTON earned street cred fer publish'n his book formulate'n the theory of gravity by gett'n knocked in the noggin by a macintosh fall'n from a tree branch above while frolick'n with his "special friend" (allegedly...don't go call'n yer state prepresentatives...do yer own research) by 1705 QUEEN ANNE of ENGLAND would knight him and SIR ISAAC decided to take his cousin Engelbert as his plus 1 to the queen's ball so you come to yer own conclusions on that one (hey...prove me wrong?)

a porgy prolific prodigian ivory tickler and ELTON JOHN's dopplegager

was born to Johann Ambrosius Bach and Maria Elisabeth Lammerhirt...by the 18th century JOHANN JR would pull a CHER all together by dropp'n his first and middle names only sign'n autographed 20x24 paintin's backstage as BACH as he raced up the charts with delightful ditty's like "MASS in B MINOR" "BRANDENBURG CONCERTOS" and the ever popular "THE WELL-TEMPERED CLAVIER" that made all the pleasant peasants go apeshit and faint in the aisles at his many concert appearances

and thanx to Massachusetts bein put on the map by JUDGE DANFORTH 

who popularized the 1st and the biggest outdoor fish fry ever fer all the town folk to witness durin' the Salem Witch trials though unfortunately would come to an abrupt end in the summer of 1693 much to the chagrin of the puritan right

BUTT it ain't all that bad in the end

some 400 years later...the SALEM WITCH TRIALS would get a rebrand'n

in a form simply called the "DON'T SAY GAY" bill thanx in part to this closeted sour pussed anal leakage and drag race enthusiast JOE HARDING who introduced the bill to the sunshine states legislation to stop the supposed insidious indoctrination of kinderbeaners thru third grade of which lipstick...base and eye shadow that goes best with their granimals

which unfortunately will most likely be signed into law by florida's very own medically lobotomized and diabolically unfuckable blow fish RON DESANTIS 

which would open the flood gates and give parents the right to micro manage what their kids are taught in school while they juggle their alone time between the gardener and/or babysitter also would give them the right to have a lil pow wow fer a lil cash cow with JUDGE JUDY if ANY teacher teaches their kids how to so much as stitch a lovely holiday table cloth with match'n napkins outta their dads old sadie hawkins gown

of course this only means that we can expect to hear an onslaught of the

  latest insane singles "jesus christ...you hit the wrong hole...again!" the low ball ballad of "puritanical pussy" and TGIF's boot scoot'n boogie dance floor crazy "2 holes in my bedsheets means it's gonna be alright" from every MAGA's fav-o-rotted screech'n cuntagious pterodactyl soccer mom C.L.A.P'n duo THE INGROWN CUNT HAIRS

thankfully brave students like senior JACK PETOCZ organized a massive 

student walk out at his school recently over this obvious draconian scare tactical witch trial which would only be used as a spring board to further strip non heterosexual students of their rights and their history beyond the 3rd grade that most likely would force them to get their education from gloryholes to GRINDR or hammers to Home Depot parades

and to comic queen staples like the incomparable MISS COCO PERU who couldn't be compromised or bought out by the almighty benjamin's by pass'n on perform'n fer the house of mouse after all that she's fought for durin' her illustrious career after the house of mouse who still funded the bill before come'n out publicly against it to save face and a large walk out 

to all those CASPER fear'n tin foiled cap spray can huff'n soprano howl'n

burnt water chef boyardee graduated battery acid big gulp drinkers and their worn out fried out type 1 diabetic scrunchied masengil meat flapp'n models LISTEN UP cuz i'm only gonna say this once fer the millionth time...

there is ALWAYS GONNA BE peter pansies...

tulip sniffers light in the loafers...

hot flash'n tool'n fools or any other ABCXYZPDQ+ out there all because of YOU so you have no one to blame BUT YERSELF...YOU PUT US TOGETHER by doin the hokie pokie with yer vomitusly sick perversional games

while burn'n out yer record player with the smooth cool style'ns of one BURT BACHARACH as a backdrop to yer retched fornications!

how is this insane barbaric bullshit law any different than IRAQ from push'n yer kids off some hypothetical rooftop?

non heterosexuals' WILL NOT FORCE yer child to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G 

they don't want to do however they will teach them nothing short of how to make you look yer very best at bridge nite with the Bronstein's...color code yer livin' room arrangements that best compliments yer blouse all while create'n a beautifully bountiful chilled dinner delight fer yer party guests

so in the end...why not try redirect'n yer angry where it belongs kittens

 since you non homosexuals have cornered the market fer years with yer tv personalities...politicians...and pontiffs!

don't even get me started on IDAHO and TEXASSES!

with that in mind i must finally bid ado kittens...cuz it's hammer time!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!