Monday, October 27, 2014

dance'n with the devil in the pale moonlight

only 5 more days away from the wickedest nite of the year...
where all H-E-double hockey stix breaks loose
ummm...let me clarify...i'm not talk'n about the midterm elections
but since we're on the subject...finish choke'n down those caramel nuggity treats by nov 4th...and VOTE bitch!

in the mean time kittens...since the the crypt keeper had a play date with
the original top 20 countdown'n crooker this year...i hadda pull out the ouija board and try and make a connection...but no such luck...so i've decided to take over the reigns as the unintentionally internationally unknown top 20 countdown hostess of my own universe...
to keep yer toes a tapp'n while dance'n with the devil in yer best whore-ish look this hallowed eve...let's begin...shall we?

come'n in at # 20...MICHAEL JACKSON
no halloween season would be complete without this zombie classic from 1982

#19...ROCKWELL
with a lil back-up help from the famous gloved one from above...this 80's jheri curl gave paranoid schizophrenics everywhere a voice

#18...EMINEM and RIHANNA
this dynamic duo sure know how to make a hit...of course it helps that one of them knew how to take a hit

#17...MARILYN MANSON
originally sung by Danny Elfmann fer the Tim Burton classic "Nightmare Before Christmas"...turned out to be a satanic masterpiece fer the devil's prodigy child

#16...CHER
before she was "dressed to kill" on her sold out tour...this raven beauty turned back time in her roller skates...ummm...that's like an ancient physical artform to the instant oatmeal generation

#15...RACHEL SWEET
best known fer sing'n the open'n theme on John Waters classic "HAIRSPRAY"...this lil kitten opened fer Bill Cosby in Vegas before she was a teenager

#14...ANNIE LENNOX
this mousketeer's masterpiece was the theme song to Bram Stroker's DRACULA...cuz blood suckers need love to ya know

#13...MADONNA
the QUEEN known fer her pop infused ballads...conjured up love fer even Lucifer's fallen angel with this haunt'n ballad

and now...a long distance dedication to a lil girl from Michigan
who sold her soul...among a few other unmentionables...just to have a career...her letter reads..."now i lay me down to sleep...i pray the lord my soul to keep...fer if i die before i wake...i pray the lord i still have hitz to make"...well lil girl...here's yer long distance dedication from that pariah of parodies...JACKIE BEAT with "GIMME ALL YOUR BLOOD"

and now...back to the countdown

come'n in at #12....FRANK N FURTER
"SWEET TRANSVESTITE"
this lil saucy number got caught up in the spider's web since the 70's and has been entertain'n the masses ever since with it's interactive applications

#11...RAMONES
theme song to the Stephen King classic bare'n the same name...these guys were responsible fer the 3 chord thrash and punk sound...this was one of their biggest hits and a constant staple in their live shows

#10...NAHPI (N AMERICAN HALLOWEEN PREVENTION INITIATIVE)
the only charity song to hit my countdown...this fairly unknown tribute benefited UNICEF in 2005...with it's patronize'n attitude towards other charity singles like "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"...it's considered a complete classic to the undead...gathered together by a cast of spooktacular talents like ELVIRA...BECK...PEACHES...among many others

"ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY"
 Lita Ford and Dale Bazio's love child was part of the best camp horror movie ever "ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK"...she'll drive a stake right thru yer earlobes

this middle eastern twist on a classic will surely lobotomize yer mind

#7...KATE NASH
easily mistaken as british singer LILY ALLEN...well...cuz that's who i thought it was til i researched the song...this lil number will surely rattle yer bones

#6...FRANK SINATRA
ol' blue eyes made it with the best of em back in his hay days by putt'n em under his spell with this smooth spellbind'n number
a ghoulish lil ditty that'll surely put you in a devilish mood

#4...EARTHA KITT
a multi talented performer...best known as the villainous vixen Catwoman in the original Batman series in the late 60's...she purred like no other on earth

#3...LONE JUSTICE
before song bird MARIA MCKEE broke out on her own...she fronted fer the band...who i had the pleasure to throw back goldschlagger shots on the back of her tour bus with my good friend Lisa when Maria played at First Avenue in the Minne-Apple in '96

though this chameleon was known fer a string of hits thru-out the 80's...he proved he could rock it out like the rest of em on the release of his brilliant hard edged masterpiece with a message "cheapness and beauty"

and my #1 all time fav-o-rit haunted hit...DEAD OR ALIVE
the quintessential anthem fer anything that goes bump in the nite...lead singer PETE BURNS will make you howl at the moon with his infectious voice

well...there ya have it kittens...this years top 20 ghoulish hitz from beyond
thanx fer tune'n in...well...i'm goin as E Bolla Cheerios this year...so it's time fer me to pack my hazmat suit...cuz i'm fly'n off to Oprahville in a few days to get me some tricks...who hopefully haven't burnt themselves out on treats...

so get off my dress!


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Monday, October 20, 2014

social suicide blonders

with Lucifer's ball just right around the corner,...
everyone is just die'n to be a pretty girl 

me...i prefer to have more fun as a blonde vixen...
of course ring master to the cabinet of curiosities and german chanteuse ELSA MARS will be at the top of many to duplicate this hallowed eve...however...

there are so many other buxom bottled blondes to choose from...that every lil girl...and every lil gurly boy has looked up to fer their inspiration...
 from MAE...to MARILYN...to MADONNA...
to BRIDGETTE...to BRITNEY...and BETTY

 fer those brazen enough to take a long ass walk on the wet-n-wild side...
perhaps try stepp'n into my shit shoes and go as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and see how how many eyes will be look'n at you with lustful desires

or those want'n to add a lil wickedness to their luscious golden locks...
SAMANTHA...SUKIE...or the SUPREME will do

unfortunately...there are those fame whored bottled witches who just ended up act'n like snaky bitches towards the masses on their asses...
particularly to us gurly boys...so if you really wanna scare the live'n shit outta the kiddies look'n fer a hand-out on the 31st...dress up as one of these peroxided pariahs that've ripped all the fun outta fundamental

daddy's lil blonde haired...doey eyed...alcoholic whore princess...
from the town of brotherly love...24 year old Kathryn Knott...decided to commemorate the anniversary of 9/11 with some Philly love by give'n a local non heterosexual couple a plate of pavement to eat fer dinner one even'n...along with her posse of well dressed non african american ass wipes...
unluckily fer this 24 year old blonde twat and her gang of drunken fucktards...a quick think'n twitterer tweeted out this twatters surveillance footage with FB check in at a local restaurant and soon enough 

only make'n #2 as the biggest state in the US...
(don't waste yer time...just fast forward to the 7 minute mark)

pain in the A double snake hole and politiCUNT on a stick...
who'll spew her hate fer homo's to anyone that'll listen...ANN COULTER has been very vocal about her position against the "don't ask don't tell" repeal as well as gay marriage...used her mold'd snatch to snatch onto her dimly lit snatch light by tweet'n in 2012 that the day after "NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY" on oct 11th...should be "DISOWN YER SON" day...but apparently...she's got nutt'n against K.D Langers

you would think anyone whore'n themselves out at the Miss USA pageant
parade'n around on stage in a 2 piece like a pimp's carnival prize...to be crowned queen of the narcissists... would shut her uptight pie hole and say whatever she was programmed to say so she wouldn't be served up a back hand sammich backstage then have to go back to stripp'n at "toddlers fer toads" nite in the back rooms of the Hurry Back Inn...but leave it to Miss California...CARRIE PREJEAN...to go her own way...this crazy cracked-out-on-CASPER snatch stuck to her holier than though gash between her legs that was meant only fer missionary "pole in the hole" pleasures ...and unfortunately  fortunately came in 2nd in 2009...but unfortunately...she was last seen turn'n tricks to Taiwanese business men 

there ya have it kittens...whether yer dressed as a blonde bombshell or just a blonde that's bombed outta her shell with her righteousness...make it count...but don't be a callous CUNT this halloween...unless you want to
now...enjoy an early lil halloween treat...brought to you by the brilliance of one JACKIE BEAT
and catch her LIVE where ever ya can kittens...or just book her in yer town if ya have to...she's a damn scream!

well...time fer me to sew my snack pieces together fer somethin' oh so...
fab-u-less...so PUH-LEEEEEZ...get off my dress!
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Monday, October 13, 2014

somebody's watch'n me

one of my fav-o-rit holidazzle celebrations is right around the corner...
ahhh...i remember it as if it were 15,010 days ago...(fer you slow pokers...that would've made me 7) runn'n around in those oh so comfortable body bags...with that oh so vibrantly toxic painted facial mask that was molded from some quasimoto's face...which made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...at 6 feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...
know'n i wouldn't become a crispy critter…with it's flame retarded fabric
(which might explain alot about the "condition" i've become)
unlike those other store brought brands
whore'n ourselves out like cheap confectionery hussies...to neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...well...except the milkman that came twice a week to some homes in the hood...stock pile'n our buckets with masses of sugary destruction to put ourselves in a glucose coma fer months...and to keep the dentists tap dance'n all the way to Taiwan

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves durin' my...
oh so tenderly unsweetened 16th year...as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...with her front window curtains made of brown polyester (insert awww here) as i had pillaged the town of all it's aluminum cans to purchase my very 1st hair hopper...the follow’n year i made my very first costume from scratch...as Lily Munster and then my 1st nite out in the Minnie-Apple in '91 goin as Wednesday Addams...unfortunately...
we got smacked with 31 inches (and not the good kind...wait?...even that wouldn't be considered worth it...to most whores) so i was stuck as Wednesday til monday the follow'n week at a friend's apt

it would be years of unintentional therapy before i would doll up again...
but when i did...i figered i'd go as Ziggy Stardust...forced into enter'n the h-weenie contest at the local non heterosexual water'n hole that year...i lost out to some twink in diapers and top hat dressed as baby fuck'n new year…i was robbed i tell ya...by the new millennium...i did the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery....and won a free cocktail…big whoop...but a couple years after that i decided on Boy George from the 80’s...and redeemed myself by winn'n 200 benjamins…i felt vindicated fer all my hard work at last

the year i decided to go out as lil red ride'n hooker...
with my 70 year old aunt as Hilary Clinton in a vampire cape...why not?...at a VFW in Burnsville, MN...proved to be very interest'n when i popped into the lil boys room to powder my nose...while 4 slack jawed yokels were empty'n their hoses to the porcelain gods hang'n before them...i might have been their trick...but trust me...they were no treat

in the meantime kittens…here's thee official unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe's top 13 list to the hottest freakfest flix to watch in the dark this hallowed eve season

13. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
now i know what yer think'n kittens..how does a beautifully shot masterpiece about 2 hot as fuck cowboys...patty cake'n on the mountain tops under the the moonlit Wyoming skies...constitute as a horror flick...well...it's not so much horror where these 2 corn holers are concerned...the real horror is...
ANNE HATHAWAY's HAIR!!!
with all the money spent on shoot'n this cowpoke classic...ya think the wardrobe department could'a stopped down at the local drag bar in town and borrowed a couple of decent mops...instead of save'n a few benjamins and shopp'n in back issues of the crossword puzzles magazine
from the Eva Gabor wig collection

ok...i just threw that in there to see if you were pay'n attention kittens...now get that cock-a-doodle-do or cock-a-doodle don't outta yer mouth...and let's get to the hottest freakfest flix that'll make you jump from things that'll go BUMP in yer nitey!

12. FRANKENSTEIN
can't go wrong with a classic can ya?...and fer a monster...all tall and thick and barely able put 2 words together...now that's hot!
besides...what self respect’n freak out there hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into the lake...listen up has-been cheerleaders/sorority sluts REALLY DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES of whatever county!

11. SCREAM
plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...but pay close attention especially to Skeet Ulrich
even if he is...like the shopko version of Johnny Depp

apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta the lake years ago...

10. PUMPKINHEAD
a fairly unknown late 80's flick...but has all the freak elements you'll need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…and even though he has those wickedly cool green eyes...
he just creeps the H-E-double hockey stix outta me all together...and that's kinda hot!

9. FRIDAY THE 13TH
this gore fest was totally reminiscent and quite frankly...a complete rip-off of "the lost counselor" story that was told to me and my siblings when we used to attend YMCA camp over nites by the camp fire...but the main reason fer watch'n...
the 7 degrees of separation i felt when i 1st seen the hotness formerly known as Kevin Bacon when i was only the tender and supple age of 12...shirtless and unfortunately helpless...my very 1st man crush...gone before the credits could roll...oh what a wicked lil world

8. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
one of the best teen slasher gashers from the 80's...that was predictably entertain'n...and the only time ever in the history of horror...you actually prayed to yer teen beat bible that the hottie in this flick would survive Krueger's carnage
alas...in his 1st ever appearance on the big screen...JOHNNY FUCK'N HOT AS FUCK DEPP did not...but take comfort in know'n though...this new comer...would come back again and again and again in future flix
(ps...this is one flick that never should've been retouched...the remake sucks total A double snakes...trust me...all the horror camp was replaced with crap)

7. WOLF CREEK
a fairly recent horror gem from the Australian outback...based on "true" events...which basically means they made half of the shit up to sell tickets...about 3 awesome Aussie's head'n out fer a hike at the national park...and come face to face with an unsuspect'n menace'n face...sing'n kumbaya's around a camp fire...til all hell breaks loose come sunrise...but the real reason to watch...
hotter than any vegemite spread...Nathan Phillips...thankfully a dingo didn't eat this mother's baby...with his incredibly edibly thick aussie...ummm...accent...he'll make any horror fluffer go "down under"...and thank the almighty CHER (*spoiler alert*) the other 2 maxi padders he's travel'n with...sacrifice themselves...unintentionally of course...so this hot as dingo dung doesn't have to

6. AMITYVILLE HORROR...the remake
though the original was frighten'n fer it's time...this redo is a total nail biter...sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat sorta horror...the 1st time around featured 70's hottie James Brolin...but i'm sorry Mr. Streisand...yer psychotic behavior belongs in a candy store... 
compared to the psychotic menace of one ax-wield'n homocidal maniac Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
well any horror flick with a klown in it...you know it's gonna be freaky...and that's good...though some out there still freak out about clowns all together...ummm all i gotta say is...if yer over the age of 30 and this still is an issue...go see a fuck'n therapist and take a valium like a normal person...the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than a bowl of kraft macaroni…but it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes!

and when you got clowns that'll kill ya with cotton candy and popcorn...
eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again

4. WRONG TURN
nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreeds with attitude...but more importantly it stars pre-Dexter hottie Desmond Harrington...
you can rescue me Desmond...a-n-y-t-i-m-e you want…i swear

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE...the remake
ok...i know what yer think'n...a remake already made my list...but kitten...this redo makes the original look like a ride thru redo-me-ville (thanx Rob Zombie fer the nightmares) trust me...you will feel the pain...plus the original never had the delectably scrumptious Eric Balfour (yes pleez!)
though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry kittens

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n!
plus...Peter Hinwood...meeeeeeeeeeeeeouch!
who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you?

1. ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK
this is my all time fav-o-rit spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick 
besides bein' packed full of one-liners like "what's that perfume yer wear'n...catch of the day?"...it's also packed with the extra firm pillowed pecs of 80's beefcake Daniel Greene...

speak'n of the Mistress...i met her with my good friend Peetrinella...
and her friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka,MN of all places...dressed as Alex and after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer…only to be greeted by some sizzle'n muscled black african american non caucasian male with possible ancestral descendants from the land of the Sahara...bodyguard who said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!

she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool’n over...
her chest like starve’n mongolian baboons...and said she was in the process of film'n a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it "THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…all i had to do was send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed 

it took me 2 years after meet'n to get professional shots take'n…but...
unfortunately by then...the movie was probably already cast...as i had not heard a word from hollyweird...without me..called
 ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILLS
and YES to this day...i kick myself
but if yer ready fer round 2 Miss Elvira...i have a script idea ready and wait'n fer yer approval...you know where to find me

so...in the immortal words from the enchant'n Mistress of the dark...
"unpleasant dreams"

now get off my dress!
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