a MID CENTURY of MADNESS

picture it kittens...it's 1983...and you reluctantly get back together with 

yer high school possee after 15 years just to have 'em help you fumigate yer cabin...only cuz one of yer very dear charm'n fucktarded friends decided to haunt yer rental property fer the rest of eternity

art had irritated life with my group of stalkers friends roughly 8 years ago

under completely different circumstances thankfully (though outta their complete control unfortunately) however...it still carried the same plot lines...under a considerably much smaller budget of course...that i could completely turn into some sorta high profiled low budgeted indie flik under the same sorta concept someday i hope

i've lived a completely creative and colorfully cocktailed existence since 

the very beginn'n...from my incredibly natural arched eyebrowed sweetly saccharinated split pea souped up lapelled smiles of the 70's... 

to the Miss Clairol #33 elephant pissed hair hopp'n aqua netted follicles of the shoulder padded 80's...

followed by my 1st taste as everyones fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe in the 90's (that incidentally began at the 90's)

that was indiscretely accompanied by the hedonistic "hey aren’t you" days of the 2000's... 

only to be frustrated by my independently broke days of the 2010's

that i U-L-T-I-M-A-T-E-L-Y made it to in one piece (at peace) in the 2020's at the tenderly unpasteurized and golden gurl age of the BIG FUCK'N 5-0 at last!

this is all such a bittersweet luxury that i never imagined i'd ever see...

seen as how i thought i'd never make it past 16 at 15 and unfortunately since my dad and 2 of my brothers were unable to relish in this experience on their very own themselves

there are those birthday moments in life that we celebrate as a conclusion

to a cornerstone of our existence...fer instance...yer last chance of gett'n away with murder while gett'n visually molested by the grandparents on yer sweet 16th

and yer last chance of gett'n a free "get outta jail card" from yer parents on yer 21st

with the current state of affairs we're currently live'n in...there will be no 

gigantor fanfare with me marinate'n in an ocean of cocktails among my friends and certain fam members...followed by a slice of chilled coconut cake served to me after my final performance by some beef caked up clown stripper from Schenectady that i had always envisioned i would get delivered to me to commemorate with...on such a momentous milestone in ones existence

i do not subscribe to that attention whore'n  "it’s my birthday week"

like many that march in their own prozac popp'n pity parade...so unless yer the spawn of satan (which i am absofuckinglutely convinced the current mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik sack of pig shit disgrace’n the WH is #BIDENHARRIS2020)

 it DOES NOT take a week to be exhumed from yer landlord's womb nor are you rebirthed 6 consecutive days in a row...it just so happens that this self deprecate’n babble was posted exactly 6 days before i was to be expelled from my hosts gelatinous sack...

therefore you will just have to suffice with a lil ALTER IMAGES homage to myself fer the week

and if i’m lucky enough...i’ll be bath'n in a vat of tasty fava beans...hosed down with a nice chianti by my bff Peetrinella in her backyard come sunday...who knows?

 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

GETT'N WIGGY WITH IT

we've all had those mundane morn'ns where we barely tumbled outta bed

and painfully stumbled to the kitchen to hardly pour ourself a cup of ambition with only minutes to spare before ya gotta make that mad dash out the door to the office with absolutely no time to wash and set yer do...opt'n instead to cover up the pearl necklaces left encrusted in yer hair compliments of that guy you met on craigslist 3 years prior that drove in from the burbs in hopes that you hadn't moved yet

with the fav-o-rit back combed beauty yer grama bequeathed to you from the Eva Gabor collection that she had purchased back in the late 70's

ever since the mid 17h century...fake follicles have adorned the noggins

of many follically challenged fella's and teased up tawdry trollops that were worn as some sorta status symbol to flaunt their enormous sugga daddy wealth

i myself can still recall the very 1st time durin' my pre-unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe years of course...in 1986...when i was but a diligent yet dainty environmentalist (way before it was in vogue) scour'n thru my sour'n small minded town on my bmx bike...

collect'n any and all discarded stomach regurgitate'n liquid replenishment recyclable containers from every nook and cranny i could find and store em in my granny's garage til i was ready to turn them in fer some serious benjamins...

and by serious...i mean i needed exactly $85 plus tax...to cover my cranium with my very own long tresseled toupe since i could only get my follicles to find their way to my shoulders...and trust me...i was the envy of all that hit me up at Hardee's drive-thru that year

see kittens...years before RuPaul was tell'n the world to sashay...shantay

in the 90's and the ungodly birth of the the RUtards in the 2000's...saturate'n the airwaves with their "iconic" regurgitated looks...i was decaffinated and completely fasinated by the power of the wig and all the accroutrements that went along with it years before

thanx in part to people that i've really revered...who've paved the way fer 

my humble beginn'ns...from HARVEY KORMAN as everyone's fav-o-rit fierce fairy godmother on the ass splitt'n hit sketch series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" in the 1970's

to FLIP WILSON who duct taped his balls to his back walls portray'n the wise crack'n GERALDINE JONES on his very own comedy series "THE FLIP WILSON SHOW" durin' the same decade

and of course who can forget the comedic time'ns of one JACK TRIPPER played by JOHN RITTER portray'n cookie contestant contest winner grama Tripper on the hit series "THREE'S COMPANY"

BUTT...that ain't all

everyones fav-o-rit 1st family of fright..."THE MUNSTERS" even dabbled

in tresses and dresses every now an then when prodigious patriarch HERMAN MUNSTER frolick'd with his feminine side durin' the 60's that i was glued to in the 80's

of course the delicious decadence of the 80's was not lost on the world of 

television thanx to the short lived tv series marinate'n in aqua velvet and aqua net with the yet unknown academy award winner TOM HANKS and emmy award winner PETER SCOLARI as 2 struggle'n gender bend'n advertisement agent roomies share'n a one bedroom in an all woman's apartment build'n just to survive the concrete jungles of NYC in "BOSSUM BUDDIES"

even former vaudville performer MILTON BERLE...who was christened 

mr. televison in 1949 bein' that he was the 1st major tv sensation to hit the airwaves...frocked up as auntie Mildred on his comedy series "THE MILTON BERLE SHOW"...though most gen X'ers only remember him fondly play'n dual roles as a socialite couple with one half dripp'n in Harry Winston jewels in the hard rock'n video "ROUND AND ROUND" by those head bang'n alcoholic look'n wives of the group RATT in 1984

that same year...britsh rock band QUEEN fronted by the bisexual badass 

of them all FREDDIE MERCURY finally got to get in touch with his more feminine side as an 80's house wife in the video for "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" turn'n hag drag into a household discussion

by the 1990's...the WAYAN brothers sketch series "IN LIVING COLOR"

would spawn the comic genius of JAMIE FOXX as WANDA WAYNE christened the ugliest woman in the world...but that crown would eventually be snatched out from under her by the one and only 

RUtard...TYRA SANCHEZ 

i practically broke my piggy bank take'n everyone to see the sleeper hit 

of the summer in 1995..."PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT" involved these 3 fanfuckingtabulous slap stick'n hair hopp'n vegemite lassies from down under...who completely proved you can make some fierce follicles with just a glue gun...some spray glitter and a $5 budget in the floral section at yer local dollar store

now don't get me wrong...ANYONE that can pull off a pile of teased up

 tresses without act'n like a pile of mess's has my praise...but to be quite honest...the only redeemable RU gurls in my opion out there are BIANCA DEL RIO and GINGER MINJ...P-E-R-I-O-D...the rest are just pieces of forgettable refried crap on bitter toast!

i still own my 1st raven wig that i ever purchased as a teenage jezebel...

though now it looks more like a bushel of Joan Jett's disgruntled pubic hairs...luckily i decided a while back to adopt a more bad ass blonde look which has been alot more fun to say the least...HOWEVER...

soon i plan on sport'n the wonderful world of the WARHOL wig collection since i'm near'n the age of Murder She Wrote marathons accompanied by metamucil martini's and lime jell-o squares as the main course...so until next time...GET OFF MY DRESS!

sisters are doin' it for themselves

let's go back in time when those double A energized batteries of 1985 

were take'n over the world...and i ain't talk'n about that junkie pink bunny bang'n on his fuck'n drum while hopped up on battery acid since 1973...NO! of course i'm speak'n of that gender bend'n british songbird ANNIE LENNOX & the queen of soul ARETHA FRANKLIN and their defiant duet that proved they weren't lett'n any penis push em around with

"SISTERS ARE DOIN IT FOR THEMSELVES"

35 years later and that lil powerful anthem of sisterhood could not be

more relevent thanx in part to the 127 women that either held onto their seat or won a seat in the house of representatives this year...include'n MN very own (that i...thee ununtentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe personally cast my vote for) ILHAN OMAR who is the 1st somalian-american woman to hold a congressional seat

though more importantly with the recent annoucement of this year's VP

nomination of the no holds barred brilliance of US senator KAMALA HARRIS in this years rat race by former OBAMA VP and current u-haul driver fer that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt bloated orange anal wart this nov 3rd...JOE BIDEN...and i fer one (include'n the gazillions of those live'n in the unlobotomized planet) could not be happier

granted...at 1st i was not personally pleased old JOE became the front 

runner if you want me to be completely honest kittens...oh it's not cuz he was OBAMA's VP...i thought he served his purpose fine fer those 8 wonderfully unsalted years when the only scandal we hadda worry about was the prez show'n up at a press conference...IN A FUCK'N TAN SUIT!

OH LAWDY...puhleez say it ain't so...NOOO!

i'm just simply over this country bein' run by OLD white men P-E-R-I-O-D!

i was hope'n fer true sisterhood in the WH this fall with a WARREN/HARRIS ticket...just fer the sheer purpose that LIZ as ANNIE and KAMALA as ARETHA lyp-sync'n fer their life at the 1st annual televised WH hweenie ball would put any Rutarded queen team to absolute utter shame...so i'm gonna blame the fucktards out there that fuck'd up my political fantasy and you know exactly who you are

ps...i ain't talk'n a bout that OTHER political fantasy...cuz if i had a delorean readily available (insert evil grin here)

hey...why should Marilyn and Monica get to fulfill their political prowness and not me?

though i'm eteranlly grateful that old JOE picked KAMALA in any case

cuz as i see it...he's live'n on borrowed time as it is (let's be real here) so you heard it here first...i say within the 1st 4 years KAMALA will...by simple default and design...become the 1st african-asain-hot-to-trot american to hold the hightest orafice in the land

BUTT...this ain't the 1st time of course

we all know by know that if those Bernie fucktards wouldn't have fuck it

all up 4 years ago...we wouldn't be pretend'n to pay doctor everytime we hadda go to the damn piggly wiggly fer groceries or that uncomfortable walk of shame under the milky way at 3 am...or have'n millions thrown onto unemployment or 165,000+ and count'n kick'n up daises...so y'all can give yerself a big ol' fat fuck'n pat on the back fer that one!

though did you know that HILLARY wasn't the 1st woman to make a run

fer the WH? fer all you brain dead tik tok'ers and snapchatters out there unaware of the history of feminine hygiene products that almost filled the lavoratory shelves in the oval office...here's a lil herstory...SHIRLEY CHISHOLM became the very 1st african american woman to run on the democratic ticket fer prez of the US in 1972

while GERALDINE FERRARO became the very 1st woman to be added as the VP nomination to a magor democratic party in 1984

incidentally...this was also the same year that the queen of the dance floor became the 1st woman to cause a scandal on the 1st ever Mtv awards by loose'n her heel walk'n down a tyrannasaurus wedd'n cake and instantaneously mopped up the floor with her derrierre...the charts and millions of wannabees ever since

of course leave it up to that mentally deranged...sociopathetik...lie'n

corrupt...IMPEACHED FOR LIFE...bloated narcissistik sack of orange anal warts and his STD cheerleaders to begin with a plethora of personal attacks on KAMALA's appearance and ethnic background just fer starters that will most likely continue up until election nite...

though KAMALA has already proved she's teflon tough durin' the whimper'n testicular removal at the Kavanaugh hear'n with her blister'n laser beam prosecutorial skills

do i think EVERYTHING that KAMALA has done ever since her time in

the political arena been has entirely exemplary? NO...but what political figure has i ask you? do i think she is the best canidate to fill the position? FUCK to the YES! we have NO TIME to split hairs here kittens....

we simply CANNOT survive another 4 more years of the current bullsit we're currently marinate'n in...so pull up yer culottes...put aside yer political differences (BERNIE IS OVER AND OUT) and pray this nightmare ends this fall...so make yer voice and yer vote victorious and remove those suborn stains this nov 3rd...oh yea and one more thing...

GET OFF MY DRESS!