a lil NIP & TUCK

well...i decided the time has finally come (since i can't seem to lately) and

made the decision to finally have a lil life alter'n "procedure" (if you will) to better my bein'...OH NO kittens...don't let international stylish tranny icon AMANDA LEPORE put a confused bee in yer over-processed bonnet (i just needed somethin' to distract yer feeble lil noggin fer just a mere minute) 

i mean...i may have been obsessed with call'n in sick to school & watch'n 

one too many episodes of PHIL DONAHUE back in the 80's since i did consider him my go-to fountain of worldly information...from hang nails to the Honduras crisis...and perhaps i may have thought i was an actual monthly tampon trader trapped in a male form... 

when i first set my eyes on perform'n illusionist extraordinaire JIMMY JAMES sing'n live as the one and only MARILYN MONROE on his program back in '87

BUTT...make no mistake

if i was cheated in the "basement" department...i MIGHT'A considered at

some point down the road about turn'n into a mini Amanda Lepore...luckily fer me though...as it turns out...i fortunately WAS NOT!...you can ask any of my satisfied customers (insert evil grin here)

no...so after many documental years of sleepless nites...and medical 

contraptions...i decided to go under the knife and have my uvula (which i always thought was some sorta contraceptional contraption that was only found in all those needy tampon trappers...i guess apparently i called in sick fer that segment at school) my completely worthless tonsils...

and my deviant septum removed once and fer all!

so i'll be off recoup'n fer a couple of weeks...in some undisclosed tropical 

location (known simply as my quaint lil garden shit box) and under the spell of what i'm hope'n will be many mind numb'n narcotics to kill the tremendous amount of pain i'll be experience'n fer the very first time ever and will not have the clear conscious mind to babble on about any new words of weekly wisdom...that you...my loyal reader...expects promptly every monday afternoon

of course leave it to the wonderful bill'n department to transfer me from 

one annoy'n operator to 6 others...to finally gett'n transferred to the sanitation department...cuz no one knows what their job responsibility is...when they're try'na hunt down their latest tinder match & then worried about how many likes they just got on their current FB post about it...when all i wanted to know was if this surgery will be absolutely 100% covered by my insurance...or am i look'n at work'n over time hours on the corner of hooker avenue and desperado junction to cover the cost...

UGH....where the fuck is that damn box of calgon's bohemian bliss when ya really really need it...i ask you?...well...until we meet again...and i know we will...

GET OFF  MY DRESS!

SHOUT OUT to the DEVILS!

picture this kittens...the year was 1986 and the alcoholic wives simply

known as MOTLEY CRUE...were all the rage and take'n over the airwaves as well as the tv screens...considered to be the mistresses of ol' hot head himself...Lucifer...the CRUE were corrode'n the mentally unmorally majority of uptight christian societal circles everywhere...from Kalamazoo to Timbuktu...putt'n a bastardly bee in their fuckless bonnets...and i fer one...couldn't have been more happier!

well...lemme back it up by a year...where i could'a been beyond over  

the moon (that would be 1985 fer those mathematical challengers still try'na count it out on their lil piggies) when i spent hours wash'n dishes...endless piles of my sibs cloths and scrubb'n the kitchen floor til 3 am roughly...til it was good enough to eat off of it without have'n to contact the Center for Disease Control...all just to get a ticket to the hottest show on the planet that year...in the month of may...the 21st to be exact...MADONNA's Virgin Tour in St Paul, MN...

that was ALL my scrawny lil teenage angst riddled A-double snakes longed for...fer the the next 10 birthdays & christmas's combined (hypothetically speak'n of course...i mean come on...i was a teenager after all) 

W-E-L-L...suffice it to say...Joan never even considered my desperate plea...and i was completely DENIED...due to the fact that Joan said "ya ain't goin to see her cuz they do drugs at those concerts"  & of course this was NOT backed up with sufficient evidence to please me (that is an almost direct quote...from what my feeble lil mind remembers)

it was the 80's...BUTT of course...

the follow'n year i would win 4 tix on a call in contest from KAGE radio 

to the bad boys of heavy metal "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS TOUR"...and my cuz Dan drove me and bundle of my sibs down in his Sanford & Son truck to see MOTLEY CRUE reek havoc at the Lacrosse Center in Lacrosse WI...

with the other suedo shopko famous alcoholic wives...WHITESNAKE...open'n fer em

i would eventually have to live vicariously thru a VHS version of the M's immaculate show a couple years later...once i saved up enough money from my pop can collection

bike'n all over town just try'na do my part to clean up our fair city of Winona fer some coinage

ANY'WHO'ZILL'DING...

though i've lost musical contact with the band over the years...i recently fell in absofuckinglute LOVE...with the band's uber talented head bang'n

drummer TOMMY LEE...NO...not cuz i finally got to watch that mini production with his maxi produce make'n his X wife Pamela Anderson sit and spin like a pinwheel on a hot and windy summer afternoon on some boat in the south of France (or wherever the fuck it was)...OH NO!...it's cuz he didn't hold back when it came to the brain dead lobotomized CASPER crusade'n gimps that follow every move of the current mentally demented lie'n sack of orange pig shit disgrace'n the planet and humanity...prey'n he'll get voted in another 4 years...when i accidentally came across his dastardly delicious tweet fer the twatters one rainy afternoon:

 and scene...
THANK U THANK U THANK U TOMMY!

now get off my dress!

regurgitated reproductions

just like that tired old story goes about those 3 lil gelatinous piglets who try

 and out smart the big ol' bad flea bitten mongrel...by reinforce'n their quaint lil shit box outta bricks and mortar (cuz their dumb shit offspring's were try'na save a few benjamins when they built their shit boxes so they'd have a handful of disposable cash when they went to visit the "professional cabaret dancers" at the 4-mile on the weekends) haven't the slightest clue that no matter how much reinforcement they add to their homes...even with silent trip alarms and laser precision gamma rays to ward off any and all future unsuspect'n huff-n-puff intruders...it's absofuckinglutely pointless...

cuz the second they walk out their front door to skip to their loo down to the local water'n trough fer some vittles and voli...it all won't mean shit if they come across a mentally deranged trigger happy 2nd amendment'n lone wolf who never got asked the prom!

with the unfortunate all to common parade of hollow "thoughts & prayers"

from the brain dead CASPER crudade'n right wing'n society over all those lost and those left behind from the tragic mass shooting ...FUCK IT!...call it out fer what it really is...the tragically AVOIDABLE EXECUTIONS in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas the other week...if those elected officials would pass more than just their fuck'n bowels and their nitely bar runs!

thanks to the quick action of the Dayton Ohio boys in blue...they were able

 to kill the shooter within 30 seconds reach'n the chaotic scene and shoot'n off the 1st shot...even though it only took the actual shooter dressed in full protective armour gear to eliminate 9 unsuspect'n victims (include'n his own sister) and injure 31 more...with his semi-automatic AM-15 (based on the ever popular sport'n swiss cheese kill'n machine...the AR-15) in just a mere 24 seconds...24 SECONDS!!!

hmmm...now i just wonder if said executioner had thee ACTUAL weapon

 of choice that our 4 fathers were referr'n to...that took roughly 90 seconds to load (with practice)...was notoriously inaccurate when aim'n at a target and was usually survivable even at close range...how many helpless victims would still be here?

when yer look'n where to point blame...you can start by thank'n these

 heartless money grubbers...like majority leader and rheumatiodal arthritic turtle Moscow Mitch...fer not allow'n a common sense vote fer stricter gun laws in the senate (that the HOUSE already passed last feb)

and these other syphilitic snakes look'n fer stripper coins

which all comes from the piggy banks of their sugga daddy (and lucifer himself)...president of the parlor in purgatory...NRA's anal leakage master...Wayne Lapierre

though leave it to some CASPER crusade'n repuglicunt from Ohio

Miss Vaginal Suppository 2019 spooks model...Candice Keller...to point blame fer the Dayton Ohio home grown domestic executional terror attack...on non heterosexual marriage...Rutard fans and mary jane

just to clarify fer all those brain dead deplorable officials that try and give warped reasons as to ALL those tragic executions by semi automatics...

THEY ARE NOT CAUSED BY:

* non heterosexual marriage

* maryjuana

* open borders

* Rutard fans

* rap music

* Marilyn Manson

* lack of prayer

* mental illness

ACTUAL CAUSES:

* easy access to automatic swiss cheese kill'n machines

* a mentally deranged lie'n sack of vile angry orange pig shit who spews racist rhetoric pretty much on a daily basis via social media or at his many pointless grand stand'n press junkets

* FAUX SNOOZE reporters vommitous spin doctors

only pass that station gets from me is Sheppard Smith...well cuz his brain is not molded from a box of pomegranate jell-o with razor blades float'n inside and slathered on top with mayonnaise made outta bull excrement!

and leave it to the mentally deranged lie'n sack of vile...vommitous...

orange sack of lie'n pig shit...to not even be bothered to read the teleprompter in front of him correctly...well cuz he was too busy try'n keep his choppers from fall'n outta his sewer-riddled racist mouth cuz he didn't apply enough poli grip...all while try'n to stop the coke drippage from his snout that he snorted off his daughters derriere

cuz ANYONE with a functional brain cell knows that if someone wants to send subliminal messages to his (oh...fer fuck sake) or her audience...all they gotta do is throw out key words to lobotomize their brain dead fly'n 

monkey to eventually carry out their orders as to keep their tiny hands clean...as above mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit has done since 2017...by use'n scare tactical words like "invasion" "killer" & "animal" 500+ times when referr'n to immigrants at his sea of sewage rallies

then of course...leave it to our mentally deranged lie'n sack of vile pig shit

disgrace'n the presidency's botoxed brain dead blow job...Jared's beard...and his fav-o-rit lap dance'n daughter...princess both-sides...to try and deflect and distract fer dear ol daddy...by tweet'n out about how sad she feels...

followed by her "look over here...a shiny penny"  text...

"INNER CITY"...really?...you obviously meant to say non caucasians...didn't cha? you incompetent vaginal secretion!!

only problem there is...that it NEVA HAPPENED the way this twat tweeted

 it did...luckily...Oprahville's Mayor Lori Lightfoot educated Miss Dandy Defecate 2019 on the actual situation that happened that particular weekend

huh...and we all thought Eric was the stupid one!

just in case yer keep'n score as to who's made the most mass executions

 to date this year...(and we're only 224 days into the year as of today's post) you ain't got nothin' to worry about kittens...the US is winn'n by a tremendous landslide!...in the vile words of that mentally deranged lie'n sack of angry orange pig shit disgrace'n the presidency... (and i quote) "we're going to win so much...you're going to get tired of winning"

can ya guess who WASN'T an immigrant? the Las Vegas shooter...the Sandy Hook shooter...the Parkland shooter...the Charleston shooter...the Aurora Movie theater shooter...the Gilroy shooter...the El Paso shooter...

and most recently the Dayton shooter (not to ferget about ALL those mass executioners that came before them obviously)...but the thing is...women have mental illness as well...yet 98% of ALL mass executioners are committed by HOME GROWN WHITE MALES...hmmmm...to all my repuglicunt kittens out there read'n this...are you tired of winn'n yet?

perhaps a lil advice from Oscar winn'n documentariest MICHAEL MOORE

 might help law enforcement to make it more fair and balanced when deal'n with racial profile'n criminals?

of course WALMART is bein pro-active by pull'n all violent video game 

DISPLAYS...cuz in ALL instances of MASS EXECUTIONS since Columbine to El Paso...the evil perpetrators bludgeoned ALL of their casualties to an unspeakable death by inconspicuously brandishing enormous unsuspect'n cardboard cutouts of fortnite and call of duty displays! (how so VERY proactive of them..don't'cha think?)

NO kittens...they [the recent perpetrators] ARE NOT quote'n lines from ANY video games...THEY ARE post'n on their social media and quote'n the bullshit rhetoric from our unfortunate mentally deranged lie'n sack of orange pig shit...with the cottage cheese ass...disgrace'n the country

P-E-R-I-O-D!

so a friendly lil reminder fer all you alt right...blood shedd'n...swiss cheese

shredd'n...2nd amendment vommitous advocates who try to justify these mass kill'n machines as merely entertainment toys fer most...here's a lil history lesson of a lil harmful entertainment toy...from way back in 1987...about the very popular game LAWN DARTS that actually killed a 7 year old girl...and how it was BANNED BY THE GOVERNMENT...BY 1988...so let that soak into yer brain dead skull fer  minute!

and get off my dress!

in memoriam!

it's unfortunately inevitable that someday we all will eventually be take'n

our final joy ride in the back seat of some souped up lime green caddy

BUTT...(yes there always is one)

even though sometimes death becomes her...

sometimes...well...it just don't...dammit!

and yer left sport'n raccoon eyes with yer do shaped like a brown football helmet in front of yer support ho's!

much like most of my feel'ns to give'n a rat's ass about gett'n romantically 

involved with any sane non heterosexual (i much prefer the broken and battered and those that feel they never mattered type...speak'n of course with no one in particular at this present time)...we've buried alot of very important things this past decade as a whole

not too forget about the 31 lives lost over this past weekend in El Paso and Dayton
(but more on that next week)

from the wonderful world of teleo-vision...

we lost a housewife in denial...a  neurotic newscaster...and an angel!

to the musical geniuses addicted to more than just their career...

from the man who spun around like a record...the hottest butt shaker in the biz...to the lil purple paisley man himself

outside of all these familiar famous faces in the entertainment fields...

this new crop of kittens simply known as the millennial's instant oatmeal generation...who've never broken a damn sweat to get what they wanted...thanx to touch screens and downloadable apps...cuz of their parents inability to cope with their unfortunate mistakes from a drunken nite years earlier...we've lost sooo much more than just mortal stars...many many others things have fall'n off the face of the earth since this new crop has taken over...

the main one bein' the art of verbal communicado...

our ancestors spent thousands of years design'n and perfect'n the verbiage system into many many different flavors of communication...

unfortunately...thanx to devices like the internet...call wait'n...text'n...

Helen Keller...

George Orwell's prophecy is turn'n the entire planet into a huge pile of non verbal communicative paranoid mashed potatoes and take'n the brain work outta bein' human...fuck'n up millions of years of social interaction

i believe it was Weeza said it best when she so eloquently said...

"i smiled at the son-of-a-bitch before i could help myself"

there was no misinterpretation to be had then at all...but technology has turned societies up and come'n majority into lobotomized bags of unfeel'n 

selfie-ish fucktwats by turn'n this lost art into a communicational cluster fuck of alphabetically coded messages like LMAO...LOL...TTYL...STFU...WTF? 

that their ancestors are left to try and decode without have'n a brain aneurysm

but also join'n them in the graveyard are all those rental exotic tapes

along with their plugged in pimp machine that you used til they were busted and broken...murdered by those who were too unkind to rewind...so very very young...i hope yer happy!

1-900-phone sex lines that once helped pave the careers of many...

stay at home mom's and just as many unattractive out-of-shape homo's who built their self esteem up...

 by cut-n-paste'n some tall dark built grecian piece of man flap as their own...under the pseudo name of  Dirk or Dusty...or Mr.Pus...have been replaced by...

but on the flip side...

self esteem sessions and prozac prescriptions have gone thru the roof

hot spots like B. Dalton and Borders bookstores...

that once housed the latest and greatest novels by Jackie Collins and Suzanne Somers...

 which also had their very own built in meat-n-greet conventions thru-out the midwest and beyond...are no longer with us...

thanx to amazon.com...and e-readers...now all those married suburbanites have been forced to find online love that is not to be spoken of at the dinner table and forced to travel half way across town in the middle of a cold rainy nite to some desert highway rest stop to get any relief without repercussion

the hypnotize'n sounds of the constant click click click of  the cd cases...

 as you flipped thru row after row to find the latest or yer greatest musical act with KRYSTAL KLEER crystal clear quality...cover art and lyric sheets that taught you the correct pronunciations of the songs...so you didn't look like a total ass on karaoke nite...have been die'n a very slow miserable death...

thanx to these guys

what once gave us gen X'ers and those before us...

headaches after spend'n endless hours flipp'n thru the yellow pages (and i don't mean the ones that some wino wee'd on in an alleyway) try'n to decide which categories like pizza or porn were listed under...is no longer with us...

thanx to these bitches take'n the brain power outta the new kittens on the block

remember when the only way to pay yer mortgage or telephone/cable

 bills...or that babysitter off with hush money...so you could get off...just to swing yer hammer and show yer almighty power if they pissed you off by place'n a stop payment on their ass...or that elderly incontinent parent marinate'n in tea rose perfume who sent in a yearly donation of $2 to whatever charity of choice...think'n she was pay'n fer their front row seats into the kingdom of Casper...

 have been all but replaced as a form of payment by these bastards or online bill pay

carpal tunnel was all the rage thru-out the ages...

thanx to all those hand written notes that once showed you cared enough to send yer deepest most inner thoughts by putt'n pen to paper and spend'n yer pocket change to purchase a stamp to prove you really cared...whether it was regard'n love...sympathy or just a simple "how ya been?"

have been totally replaced by free phony forwarded messages of hope or regret on FB by people who've post the pass'n of a loved one...only to figer out if the 1000 likes were because they're sad or glad fer yer lose...and wrongcards.com 

so in conclusion kittens...though i may be age'n myself by complain'n...

about "how it used to be in the good ol' days"...by capture'n those kodak moments to last ferever...or til his cheat'n ass breaks yer heart and you rip him outta yers ferever...there are some advantages to try'n on these new generational gap jeans...especially when it comes to photoshop...

cuz now i now can always look like a fetus in a wig (or no wig at all) with Paulina Porizkova smackers and porcelain skin...without all those chemically enhanced injectibles!

now get off my dress!