fool'n school'n

well...after doin my annual fall clean'n of all my dirty filthy unsalted ...

adulted emails and such...i came (well...NOT this week yet...but there's still hope) across a blog i was write'n fer the last school season...so i figer'd there's no reason...to wait...since i'm have'n brain tumors fer breakfast this week and can't think of a fuck'n thing to write about...without hemorrhage'n my cerebral cortex over the twitter shit storm...

 created by our lie'n sack of pig shit disgrace'n the oval orafice...on a hourly basis these days...LORD fullofshiticus and his band of despicables...thanx to those fuck'n dwindle'n family friendly deplorables who defend and applaud his every word...in regards to the recent cali fires...use'n the military as chess players at the border and try'na bitch slap the supreme court judge...just more distractions to try and take away from the presents Santa Mueller will hopefully be deliver'n this holiday season!

 BUTT...i digress!

though many might wish that their high school years was just a plethora...

of musical diddys and dudes...goin from a beauty queen to a bad ass

we all have had our own cross to bear in the trenches of high school...

whether we were just bein' the pin-up or the pinata

some of use where lucky enough to be both 

Molly was the painted saint fer all of us misfit Gen Xer's out there...

make'n millions off the pain of bein the most popular princess of our teenage angst...who secretly...we all wanted to be...or at the very least...have her as our very own personal BFF

but once the tantrums have faded...along with yer looks...only then...at the 20 year reunion...you only wish'd you'd done everything on a much more grandioso scale...(well not go all Columbine mind you) so you could turn yer experience into some major bank account and get outta yer current 

dead end job...i'm still contemplate'n my book/movie deals with the mucky mucks of tinsel town about my scandalously sordid school experiences...i'm think'n mine probably could be titled somethin' like "football'n flakes" or maybe "locker room liaisons" or how about "screw u2"...now... though these might sound more like porn titles...than pulitzer prize winners...hey...it's my story!

in the mean time...here's the list of my all time fav top 10 high school melodrama's that'll help you create yer very own million dollar box office smash hit you can start penn'n today and skip all that useless therapy

#10 even though this was originally released in 1982...

"CLASS OF 1984"

is the saturated punk classic with a hideous theme song by one Alice Cooper (that's pretty much a  pooper) but it has all the rough and tough tales of survive'n the inner city schools...

starr'n 80's hot daddy Perry King as the hot-to-trot teacher teacher and 50's ferry Roddy McDowall...if that ain't enough to scare the shit outta ya...

then Michael Fox (before the J) in his Dorothy Hamill do...will do...i swear it

#9 sometimes bein' teachers pet is just not worth the hassle...

"HARD CANDY"

especially with the easily accessible non verbal world of titillation at yer finger tips...this dark tale of on-line chat room chatter...turns the table...and the fable...about a lil red hood and the big bad wolf of a teacher

#8 live'n in burbville sure ain't all what it's cracked up to be...

"THE VIRGIN SUICIDES"

picture it...it's the 1970's...ABBA is everywhere and yer bein' brought up in an overly protective and religious household...(i can't even imagine)...but you can when you check out this brilliant dark drama starr'n Kristen Dunst...Kathleen Turner...James Woods aaaaaaand

Minnesota's very own mayor of McHotville...Josh Hartnett

#7 well beyond my graduational years...the sleeper hit of 2001

"GHOST WORLD"

made me wish i was back in high school fer just one more year...a quirky flick starr'n neo emo Thora Birch as Enid and her BFF...a very young Scarlett Johansson as Rebecca and her next door nerdy neighbor Steve Buscemi as Seymour...Enid can't graduate without her art class...but gets classed in art by Seymour...all while become'n teachers pet

#6 not everyone feels the need to feel pretty in pearls and perfume

"WELCOME HOME ROXY CARMICHAEL"

the 1st of my 2 pix fer best high school flix by the ever talentedly beautiful Winona Ryder...as Dinky with her antisocial attitude in check and the odd ball out amongst her peers...she anxiously awaits the arrival of her birth mother that she thinks abandoned her as a baby...while build'n her ark of misfit animals

#5 "plug it up...plug it up..."plus it up"...need i say more?

"CARRIE"

as if that first time when Flo comes to town ain't hard enough...if this De Palma classic with Miss Spacek as the telekinetic teenage terror taught me anything about high school...is that you NEVER fuck with the quiet ones...PERIOD!

PS...SPOILER ALERT...FUCK THE REMAKE

#4 how a total crush can really totally crush you to bits

"WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE"

from 1996...being a middle child is never easy...but bein a middle Weiner sux...especially when yer stuck between a nerdy dweeb fer an older brother and perky C-U-Next-Time fer a lil sister...but Dawn manages to find a purpose fer all the electrical circuits rage'n thru her nubile body 

#3 what teenager doesn't feel like their life isn't a fuck over moment?

"DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD"

Christina Applegate as Sue Ellen thinks her last summer before graduation is a free fer all when her mom decides to take a trip down unda...only to find out her mother hired a nanny cam marinate'n in ben-gay and orthopedics to keep the clan in check

#2 try'na be the most popular pupil can turn out to be deadly...

"DROP DEAD GORGEOUS"

is fairly unknown black comedy masterpiece in my mind...filmed in my state of the Purple Paisley yoda...stars a slue of cool funny bold broads from Alley to Ellen...Denise to Dunst...tell'n the tale of a bevy of mid-western wanna-be beauty queens vy'n fer that ultimate meal ticket to become'n the town tramp...I mean that coveted crown of diamelles molest'n yer AquaNetted head and not lett'n anyone step in yer way...or on yer culottes that you hand stitched from the pattern section in yer grannies McCall's catalogue

#1 "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like Mother Teresa?"

"HEATHERS"

my 2nd and ULTIMATE high school trama drama by Miss Winona Ryder as Veronica Chandler and high school hard-on material Christian Slater as the incredibly hot psycho ...is  the masterpiece that was the complete ripped off road map fer the movie "Mean Girls" ...about how to deal with peer pressure and pansy asses...litter'd in classic one liners from beginn'n to end like

for a lil extra credit...i even got one fer those drop-outs

"STRANGERS WITH CANDY"

a prequel to the gloriously slap-stick'n series than ran fer 3 hysterical seasons on Comedy Central spoof'n the after school specials of the 80's...centered around Carrie Bradshaw's publicist...this is the story about a Jerri Blank...junkie whore runaway who dropped outta school 32 years ago...who was a boozer...a looser and a user...but goes back to school as a 46 year old freshman to pick up right where she left off

so there ya have it kittens...don't try to remake history...just make it!

now shake a tale feather and get off my dress!

gluten free punishment

well kittens...there's plenty to be thankfully for this gobble or gobbless

week...now that all those annoy'n...blood suck'n connoisseurs of no conscience are completely gone fer the year...no i ain't talk'n about Nosferatu or the Living Dead...heavens to betsy no...

i'm talk'n about ALL these brain dead...blood suck'n GOP'ers that lost their morals...along with their mouth power this past midterm

BUTT...in the end

with the holiglazed season in full swing...just a simple reminder that 

 nothing tastes better and helps soften that stool...when you'll drool over yer aunt Orlean's oral fix'ns this european invade'n small pox day...that yer kids will absolutely go batshit crazy for at the din din table...than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...even though it may cause a slight involuntary chain reaction to yer bowel movements...and a lil bitta weeze'n in yer breath'n...nothin comes closer to loos'en yer lunch and those pesky pounds than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...so pick up a can today!

there is yet another more ruthless...and frankly...a more devastate'n evil... 

that once destroyed millions...from Europe to Russia to the Middle East in the 14th century known simply as the Black Plague

thought to have been completely eradicated over a 100 years later...has unfortunately been resurrected into the 21st century...and has maimed and caused way more devastation by kill'n millions of consumers

 kindness's...now has simply morphed into another gestation known as BLACK FRIDAY!

this time honored tradition started in 1961 in the city of brotherly love...at midnite...as these everyday...mostly kind consumers...who simply wished to fulfill their everyday lives and their households while save'n a couple a benjamins on the latest and greatest technological wizardly after a very deliciously fullfill'n sit down dinner with the entire family...IS NO MORE!!!

as the turkey...ambrosia salad and candied yams just barely have time to settle in their stomachs...the beast inside them all...will awaken once again and turn them into these rabidly unconscious parasitic patrons of gizmos and gadgets to consume their miserable existence...before Tommy even has time to shove the leftover cranberry sauce down lil Timmy's trousers...or Tammy has time to finger the fix'ns again in the frigid air box 

thanx to the all mightyness of corporate greed...these salivary savages want'n the best deal...no longer have to wait til the stroke of midnite any longer to purchase the "MUST!HAVE!NOW!" crap off the latest assembly runway line carefully crafted by lil Ping Ming...Ding A. Ling...Ah So and Kung Po...so you...the shopp'n fucktard...can save some measly benjamins...what would take their entire family work'n around the clock...a lifetime to make...as the madness begins at 6pm on turkey day...and in some cases EVEN SOONER!!!

SAY IT ISN'T SO!...are the weather reports out yet? dear lord what will i wear? is the "real housewhores of whatever county" even gonna be on s-a-l-e? someone! ANYONE! PUHLEEZ!...OH GOD...thou for art have forsaken me...i beg of you to have mercy on my wretched whorish selfish lil impetent soul and give me the strength to make it thru this madness...but just in case...Bobby Marie and Betty Andy....fetch me my pocket kitchen cattle prod and shopp'n shank!

as the family gathers together in dad's "secret room" behind the staircase...the babysitter finishes gett'n dressed while dad lays out the

blue prints to each and every store section with the best sales within a 5 mile radius of their home...so they can accumulate the best buys fer their buck...and hands everyone a walkie talkie to alert everyone of any pop-up sales...cuz you know that can be a complete fuck over moment if you miss one of those!

dressed in their best pressed camouflage...so the bodies are easily identified in case they don't make it out alive...mom makes sure to pack enough liquid replenishments fer everyone so they can hit the sales...

and hit'em hard...pile'n into their hell on wheels...dad completely fergett'n to empty grama's colostomy bag so she can o.d. on a Matlock marathon and her box of sparklin' Franzia in peace...the family burns rubber to the first destination of happy helpers at Wally World on the "tour of discount destruction" 

Bobby Marie teams up with mom and hit the electronics...as Betty Andy and dad try to find the perfect gift to keep mom's trap shut come xmas 

morn'n..."daddy deez are pritty...and mommy's always say'n how cood her feet are." Betty Andy exclaims "how 'bout we git her some of deese"...dad distracted by an income'n text says "wha? huh? yea sure...here's my card...sorry kitten...daddy's gotta take this call...it's the babysitter  office want'n me to come in"

over to mom and Bobby Susan...crouched down and hunt'n like unbathed mongolian savages in the jungle...look'n fer the best deals at the bottom...

when Bobby's eye's lite up like a christmas tree...

"oh mommy P-U-H-L-E-E-E-E-Z! CAN-I-CAN-I-CAN-I?...i will do ALL my chores fer the rest of my life and stop play'n with Betty Andy's power saw and ratchet set" Bobby Marie whimpered

like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gives him

some extra cash she had earned in the "back park'n lot" earlier but told Bobby to never tell dad until he was old enough to move outta the house

and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which in turn...caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break 

today...so off to the Golden Arches they went...undaunted by the lack luster service with their corporately plastered smiles...the 2 ordered the double stacked coronary burger with 2 slices of orange colored drainage squares...large french coma induced potatoe spears...a sugary coated crusty cardboard pouch filled with pipe'n hot apple flavored sludge and a refresh'n 2 liter cup of diet coke to wash it all down...

(both very conscious of their caloric intake)

as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n

 cold...so they tallied up their receipts and carefully deducted 10% from their save'ns...and decided to donate to the red bucket charity that has been a time honored tradition that help's ALL without ANY sorta question or conditions...which always makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside know'n that they are part of the anti-bacterial self-sinn'n and grinn'n society 

3 hrs later...after pack'n the caravan with all of their preciously purchased
treasured belong'ns  crap...dad had decided to make one more final stop...

to stock up on a year's supply of head cheese...a vat of mayonnaise...a crate of reprocessed meats and bleached flavor crackers...and a barrel of spermicidal jam

but instead dad was greeted with the most perplex'n sign of all...

"sorry but we're closed...enjoy your holiday"

from the top of his lungs...dad whaled out...

 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIIIIIT?...it's my one fuck'n day off...and i had a whole weekend planned with my "buddies" at the cabin"

"Harold...watch yer mouth...the kids" Dureen said sternly

"WHADIDYASAYBITCH?...you want me to fry ya up another back hand sammich to eat today?" 

"KIDS...git odda the car! mommie needs to remind daddy that his "secret room" also has "secret" camera's"

40 minutes later...as the snow flakes began to dance like fall'n pirouettes against the navy blue sky...Harold and Dureen came to an "understand'n" as Bobby Marie and Betty Andy pleaded to be let back into the car...so mom unlocked the doors and the kids piled back in and homeward bound they went

as the last shopping bag was brought into the garage...the family reflected on the events of the day as they went off to their own miserable rooms...

Bobby Marie was thankful that his secret was safe with mom...fer now 

Betty Andy was thankful she got to finish putt'n up the panel'n in her bedroom

dad was thankful the "help" stuck around

mom was thankful she could still see outta one eye as she poured herself into a merlot coma decide'n what to do next...

and grama...well...no one really heard a peep outta grama all nite long

the moral of this mess...be thankful you have yer health...some don't...

don't let corporate market'n turn you into ax weild'n homicidal maniacs

now get off my dress!

the WINNERS take it all!

just like that jilted love affair song so eloquently goes...

"the winner takes it all...the loser stand'n small"...by those poly blend'n saucy Swedes many disco balls ago

this years midterms were like a proverbial Muriel moment fer the dems

"now my life is as good as an ABBA song" now that we've take'n back the HOUSE

with roughly 100 estrogen replacement contestants winn'n many seats

in congress...and many of them bein' 1st's as well...like the 1st muslim women ever elected...MN's ILAN OMAR and MI's RASHIDA TLIAB...to the 1st ever native american women elected...KS's SHARICE DAVIDS and NM's DEB HAALAND

include'n my personal fav...MN's AMY KLOBUCHAR...who kicked ass recently...grill'n the future date rapist of the Supreme Court...and kudo's to the many many others i can't unfortunately picture  (well cuz yer attention spans aren't that long kittens...plus there's google if you need more names)

BUTT...

 lets not ferget there's somethin' about mary...CO's JARED POLIS...bein the 1st open non heterosexual governor...along with 149 other openly lgbtxwzpdq candidates...gett'n a chance to have a voice fer the masses...of course there's some religious asswipes in the state that aren't gonna be all to pleased about this 

and thankfully they won too...cuz they thwarted off the many evil diseased

riddled caravans of terrorists and rapists that were moments away from invade'n our protected boarders all the way up to til the nite of election...so congrats to you all!

though...it's NOT all about winn'n...we can't ferget the losers stand'n small

fer starters...the biggest of them all...kentucky's unlucky Miss Split Ends 2018 and righteous rectal wart hog...Kim Davis...who caused all that uproar over break'n the law in 2015...by stand'n her hypocritical grounds believe'n marriage is between a woman and her many men...by deny'n DAVID ERMOLD and his husband a marriage license

and then of course there's cheddar head-up-special-interest-ass and anal suppository spokesmodel Scott Walker... who can't even ask fer a recount to a too close to call race...cuz of a law he thought would benefit him in the END (pun obviously intended)

and even though Nevada's bunny ranch'n pimp...Dennis Hof...beat out dem hopeful Lesia Romanov...he unfortunately will never get to serve one CHER damn day in office...well...cuz the horny 72 year old bunny fucker did one too many fireballs durin' his bday celebration a couple of weeks earlier...and ended up kick'n the can...(side note though...it takes a special sorta stupid to vote fer a dead man...dont'cha think?)

and lastly of course...is our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit who's practically use'n the bills of rights as his own personal ass wipe...just cuz with the dems FINALLY took control of the house...and with more women and non hetro's that he'll have too kiss their collective asses if he wants to even look presentable to his base...he's shitt'n bricks and break down in front of the camera

and with his most recent attacks on the report'n media amplify'n...

by pull'n press credentials from accomplished long time WH reporter and parttime George Clooney stunt double...JIM ACOSTA

as well as belittle'n other accomplished political reporters...like APRIL RYAN...YAMICHE ALCINDOR and ABBY PHILLIP...are ya start'n to see a pattern kittens?

if not...google search it...and get off my dress!