my own private i-da-ho

not sure how things are taught now in lobotomized class catholic school...

but back in the day when i was but a pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...forced to participate in the voodoo rituals in a classroom full of coma-toasted Catholickers...very lil was told about the tingle'n sensations that were race'n thru our milky fresh pre-pubic nubile bodies

my sex education classes consisted of 2 basic rules :

#1  it's against CASPER's law and absolutely deplorable...

to involve yerself in ritualistic monkey love with someone have'n the same nibbley parts

#2  it's against CASPER's law and the #1 cause fer blindness...by...

"play'n with yer Pee Wee Herman"

"yank'n yer Yoda"

 

"make'n yer pogo stick puke"

or the hundreds of other nicknames referred to as "wake'n yer nibbley's from their nap"...plus many unscientific studies have proven this was the

main cause for mental retardation in most future political closet cases

well...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...cuz the endless hours i used to spend above our garage...once fingers found flesh...after rummage'n thru my cuz's garbage and meticulously remove'n
the gerber servers from back issues of beaver hunt and leave'n me with the pile of tonsil ticklers as visual aids fer my numerous exploratory expeditions

as my body began to change...so did the electricity surge'n thru my veins...and then one day it FINALLY happened...when i was have'n...

"my own private i-da-ho" moment...that the gates of Lucifer opened wide like the nuns spoke of...

and i gave myself my very first "pearl necklace"...which was very traumatize'n at the time...cuz i believed this was a punishment from CASPER thanx to those non fuck'n nuns...so i figered i had to rid my body of this obvious enjoyable evilness...sometimes at the rate of 10-15 times a day until i gave my one eyed willy serious rug burns and could no longer rub one out...

this of course would'a been alot less painful had i know about lather'n up in lubrication while perform'n self-fornication

it wasn't until i joined in on a weekly ritual with the chain wang gang a group friends "patty cake'n their baker's man" above another friend's garage...

that i learned heaven truly is a place on earth...or at the very least...in a buddies garage...they know who they are so i will forgo mention'n any names...besides...they wouldn't fit into my E true hollyweird story anyways

though i am reproductively retarded...i know now as a full grown wanker spanker...this is completely normal and natural act of release'n stress...and there's absolutely nothing wrong with "toss'n yer salad" from time to time...

though these days i just lay there like a dead hooker and let my informational highway speeders do the the duty fer me...i mean i am an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...just make sure at the very least...there's a bucket of crisco near by

recently...a friend told me of how she'd been runn'n thru vats of hair conditioner like it was goin outta style...and with only birth'n 2 moochers...

each of the opposite sex...there was only one simple pimple solution to her conditioner dilemma...without embarrass'n the guilty gusher...i suggested she simply purchase stock in the merried of lubrication's on the market these days and slip it under his pillow...no words will ever need to be exchanged...as this is NOT a topic typically discussed between mother and child...and MOST  non homosexual fathers have penile denial when it comes to teach'n the topic of "spank'n the monkey"

of course there are those CASPER crusade'n parents out there who are vehemently apposed to the touch'n of any tingly parts with their children...

that they would have to chastise for...so is yer lil Gabriel try'n to "blow his horn"?

perhaps Bethany is become'n a blasphemous bad girl by "sinn'n underneath her linen"?

well don't fret my insane brain dead color'n book correctors...

thanx to the makers at Control Toys...yer prayers have been answered...

save yer son's soul by strapp'n him into this easily assembled cross fashioned after Mary's unbiological mistake from a one nite stand with CASPER...with comfortably adjustable canvas straps to help yer child control his urge to purge himself of the evilness within...until he is old enough to walk thru the pits of hell down the aisle...with his annoy'n tax write off...comes in 2 confessional colors...baptismal blueberry and deliver me from evil red

deliver yer daughter's from those evil dances with the devil...by buckel'n her into this blasphemous free jacket...made from 100% pure salvational cotton...completely hand washable with just enough wiggle room fer yer child to stop and think before they touch their purgatory palace...comes in many fashionable designs...or download yer own pentecostal design to shun them from their friends

have kids that just can't seem to purge that undeniable desirable urge?...

no problem...have we got a camp fer YOU!...sigh em up and send em on their way down the righteous path to positive purity and a blessed life free of those impure thoughts and lobotomized fun the whole family can enjoy!

so there ya have kittens...hopefully my insight into the naturally sinsational demonic lifestyle of  "spank'n the monkey" will make you think twice...

the next time you feel the need to "she bop"

or start "turn'n japanese"

now get off my dress!

some like it hot

oh what a weekend it was...from fireworks...to some pieces of work...

the spirits were high and flow'n in every direction...and though the rhubarb crumble was a smash hit...apparently i never got the memo that crack was make'n a comeback...and some spirited sideshow mother fuckers were a smash crumble'n apart from bein a bit high on some illegal spirits...

move'n on!

when i think of flames...alot of things are conjured up in my mind...

the yester years at summer camp with my brothers and sister...

roast'n marshmallows over an open flame

durin' the holiglazed season...images of ol' Bing Crosby dance in my head

of him sing'n about roast'n chestnuts on an open flame

of course...who can forget this petrified comedic classic

the original non heterosexual glitter bomb'n flame

and when i think of holier than though...A double snake holes....

i think of this folically challenged anti anal creamer Father Gordon "chaps my ass" Klingenschmitt

i guess Gordon hasn't  finished his spotlight dance with the devil makers...

and his obsession to rid the world of designer labels...cake decorators...and tea bagg'n competitions

must i REALLY have to break down yer book of fairytales AGAIN Father?

maybe i'm miss'n somethin' here...but haven't we evolved a bit over rules and regulations over the past 2000 years to fit our current times?

fine...we can play by yer RULERS rules for arguments sakes...

but that means NO cherry pick'n...so in case ya missed a couple of pretty important rules...you yerself...are probably not pratice'n...i thought i'd give ya a lil refresher course...of course

Leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves...both male and female...
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations...a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans...but not Canuks across the border...

can you clarify pleez...why can't i own Canadians?

Exodus 21:7  states it's ok to sell your daughter into slavery...

what do you think would be a fair market price for her in this day and age?

Leviticus 15:19-24 states that i can't have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness...or i to shall be very uncleansed...

problem is...how am gonna know?...most just turn into a bitch if you make any assumptions

Leviticus 1:9 states that burn'n a bull on the altar as a sacrifice...creates a very pungently tastefully pleasing odor for the RULER's o factory senses

only prob is...my neighbors claim the odor is not please'n to them....shall i smite them?

Exodus 35:2  states clearly that they should be put to death fer work'n on the sabbath...so these next door neighbors kids insist on sell'n lemonade on hot summer afternoons...7 days a week...even after i read them this rule

am i morally obligated to kill them myself?...or should i ask the police to do it for me?

Leviticus 11:10 states though eat'n shellfish is a total abomination...it's a lesser abomination than bein' a flamer like my buddy says...i don't agree...

can you settle this tough one?...are there different levels to abomination?

Leviticus 21:20 states that i can't approach the altar of the RULER if i have a defect in my sight....i just started wear'n read'n glasses cuz of astigmatism

does my vision have to be 20/20...or is there some wiggle room here?

Leviticus 19:27 states it's totally forbidden that my male buddies get their hair trimmed anywhere on their nubile bodies...even around their temples

how should they die?

Leviticus 11:6-8  states touch'n the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean

can players still play football if they wear gloves?

Leviticus 19:19  states that those plant'n two different crops in the same field...are clearly violate'n the law...which my brother who owns a farm has done fer the past couple of years...and as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread with her cotton/poly blends

do i need go to the trouble gett'n the whole town together to stone em'?

couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair?

like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws...so says Leviticus  20:14

i know you have studied these passages religiously and therefore are considered an expertise in above mentioned matters...so i'm completely confident Gordon...that you can help sort out these sticky situations

if yer gonna live by the sword!...you must die by the sword!

or just die...a-w-a-y!

so there ya have it kittens...keep in mind...like i've said before...

i could really give a rat's ass what ya wanna believe in...you think a certain portion of the population will not be able to enter the kingdom of Casper?...that's fine...no worries...i'll be there serve'n cocktails til the cows come home i guess then...but seriously...if yer that concerned of my well bein'...practice what you preach...or get off my dress!

pick yer poison

i like many chosen single non heterosexuals...have a merried of  "drugs" to choose from...when we're choose'n a potential failure as a runn'n mate...

and by "drugs"...i mean options!

listen up kittens...i listened to Nancy in the 80's when she simply said...

"JUST SAY NO"

"if i wanna get high...i'll add another inch to my heels"...P-E-R-I-O-D!

so put that in yer crack pipe and smoke it...or better yet...learn to control yer destruction...so you can function at this junction

thee only drug i want any future failure to O.D. on...is ME!

the latest and most damage'n "drug"...to my cochlea's and my cornea's...

is this ol' bat in the peacock hat...if you missed...or just miss...Miss  Sarkisian 's tour...there's still a chance

but i digress...

in your 20's...you were judge...jury...executioner...defendant and plaintiff on how you looked and what you wore when you went out with yer gaggle of gays and the one token fag hag who felt like the luckiest bitch on the planet

the dollars bill's would flow like a whore with halitosis at any given bar on any given nite of the week...it was all about cover charges and cock!

i somehow inevitably would become some sorta surrogate therapist...

to some meals on wheels look'n fruit basket who happened to be environmentally delayed...just cuz he paid fer my drink!

eventually i would turn down my reason not to have another doctor...

 prescribe me a cure that would take 3 to 4 weeks to cure...and instead...i opted to rummage around for the leftovers at any bar close...fer someone close enough to the top of the food chain...OR

stroll fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park fer a ride home...

and don't you whores start point'n fingers...i wasn't there alone

by the time i hit my 30's...i knew i was goin' to become a romantic wreck...

or deemed a tragedy in a tiara if i wasn't involved with a mate to date fer more than 24 hrs...and so the clown show began  

not once...not twice...and by the third time...i was no longer a laydee...but i did it anyways...just cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before...

plus...eat'n fer one is never really fun...and cuz i was too lazy to commit suicide!

well...20 years later...and into my late early 40's...i feel like i'm back in my early late 20's and look'n like my middle 30's...but with alot less hope...alot less hair and alot less tolerance fer find'n a potential failure in my own age box...don't take that the wrong way though...i've learned to accept my new role...without all those unsightly stretch marks...or awkward family reunions

i'm just not that desperate to settle fer sangria and sausage links for breakfast anymore

being hit with the on goin recession to our non existent piggy bank...

it's made a HUGE impact on the way we 40+ single non heterosexuals go about conduct'n our "free time"

no one can afford the $10 covers...or feel that we should have to anymore

nor do we want to be bothered by some anal antiseptic past his ambercrombie due date with a $200 8-ball...who refuses to give up their crown as disco queen...show'n off their personally trained abs...under an over priced GUCCI tank to a bunch of twinks and tweekers

and for the most part...the only choices out there are between meth heads or manic depressants who've replaced their overhead lamps with dollar store tea candles in hopes you don't notice that they had to cancel their...

gym membership...cuz they're still try'n to pull off their tailored look that they wore 20 years ago...only now...they look like a bloated blood sausage ready to burst at the seams at any moment

and yer lucky if you will ever get to meet the photo-chopped fucker...

on the other end of the informational highway anyways...cuz the botox bar has been raised so high

that when ya finally do...they're usually try'n to recreate the image they sent ya by pose'n like some sorta age defy'n egyptian hieroglyphic anyways...

at least in person...you have a chance to start a conversation....online...it's just delete...delete...delete!

and speak'n of my own experiences...it's no surprise that viagra sales are soar'n thru the roof when all the things that make a date with a new mo' interest'n these days are reduced to a simple formula of boredom n regret

and ps...btw...they ought to be personally erect'n a life size crucifix with my name on it...cuz 20 years ago...i was one of thee original governmental test bunnies who got that pill approved fer their erectcreational pleasures

so they to could be energized til the wee hours of the morn'n

well...not too long ago a while back...i received an email from some online porker with an ax to grind with me...who i never had met...that i can recall...

from 10 years ago apparently...i thought...oh...what perfect time'n!

lett'n me know that i looked like (and this is a direct quote) "a moron wear'n your shades" thru the downtown mousetrap systems on my daily breaks...

cuz non verbal communicative passive aggressive behavior is so much more effective and an easier form of communication to understand these days (and annoyingly acceptable i might add) with almost everyone...than actually have'n to say face to face "ummm...wanna fuck?"

don't EVEN get me started on unreturnable texts in a timely manner

and you know it's sad...when some green mile look'n change collector...

scouts you out in the skyway on yer afternoon break look'n fer enough coinage to get him and his 3 made up kids back to some made up home far far away...but cuz it happens on a daily basis from a merried of other story tellers...yer just conditioned to ignore his request...only to be belittled and berated as you keep walk'n by...but fer once it almost makes you wanna run to the closest atm as he caps off his exchange  with "oooiiie...fer a white boy that's some fine ass...i'll tap that any day!"...it's like the biggest compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can

basically...it breaks down like this...

online meet-n-greets are like stars from the 2nd cast of Designing Women

no matter how funny Jan Hooks and Julia Duffy were...they would never be able to live up to the originals...

cuz they were no Delta Burke or Jean Smart

                                         

meet'n face to face is much better than try'n to read a wreck wait'n to happen!

i may have unwillingly surrendered to the online hook up these days...

but i refuse...let me repeat that fer the kittens in the back...REFUSE to surrender my heels...so get over it already!

so it looks like i will need a new kinda "drug"...since my preferred method...

apparently is...get this..."ILLEGAL"...plus it gets a bit spendy and is too much trouble try'n to guess the ratio to body frame 

it's human nature...we all possess that undeniable animal instinct...

if you want it...just ask...i just might...if not...don't worry abod' it...but puhleez...get off my dress!