Monday, January 9, 2017

unfortunate things

"well you're the real tough cookie...with the long history...of breaking little hearts...like the one in me...that's OK...lets see how you do it...
put up your dukes...and lets get down to it"

remember when this was just the bridge lead'n to the chorus line to that 1979 smash hit by operatic stick turned rocker chic Pat Benatar?

and when collect'n  yer fav-o-rit magazines...
consisted of  these

and not THESE!

unfortunately though...no one puts up their dukes any more...
instead of shoot'n from the hip these days...

instead of rehash'n tired old headlines that turn the mental cases into movie stars of the week...i thought i'd substitute nonsense fer knowledge
case in point...

of all the carnage that's happened from Columbine to Connecticut...and everywhere else in between over the years...the past and the present

what's the ONE thing people in history remember the most?
HITLER

STALIN

GACY

BUNDY

oops i mean this one

the list goes on and on...and it's pointless to escape it...cuz that's ALL the media...the schools...the news...the net and water cooler conversations
consist of when a tragedy happens...give'n the relatively small amount of the unstable...somethin' they're able to cling to

today's fame is as easy as a packet of instant oatmeal...
 everyone will be talk'n about them!

outside of maybe...at max...the national/local paper...the nightly news and the plethora of craptastic entertainment "journalists" identify'n the victims by name in whatever gruesome attack that has happened at the moment...
while serenade'n the audience in slow motion moments of the victim's life
molested by the current top 10 pop or r&b slow jam (depend'n on the color of their skin)...just to pull at yer heartstrings long enough...until they warp yer think'n cap and trap you into the mind of endless stories about the killer...perpetuate'n the depraved and unstable minds of others out their that want to be the next best and hopefully bigger headline that everyone will be rave'n about

i was recently give'n someone's opinion on the 2nd amendment rights as an american during the holiglazed season and i'm here to tell ya...i'm over hear'n stories about people's 2nd amendment rights....PERIOD!
when the 2nd amendment was written...OVER 200 YEARS AGO kitten...it took someone roughly 20 seconds to load their kill'n machine and they could only get...at max...3 rounds off in under a minute

and though i wasn't around durin' those times...there are very few cases (outside of war and maybe a shoot out at yer local piggy bank)...
 where someone went batshit crazy on a bunch of non suspect'n victims

and even if there had been...given the artillery available at the time...they still wouldn't have created the same amount of devastation that's been readily available these days...at yer downtown gun shops...gun shows...
or at yer local big box kill'n machine store

thanx to groups like the NRA...
 (Non Remorseful Assholes)

and gun manufacturers hide'n behind their bedroom doors...have'n the wildest 3way with the 2nd Amendment on all 4's take'n it from both ends

but fine...for arguments sakes...let's use the 2nd amendment as a right

i grew up in a house of 10...my dad was a hunter with his hunt'n buddies
that's my dad far right and my older brother Jim next to him...and my 3rd cuz Sean in the high waters...and i guess he'd be my great uncle Frank (though i don't remember gett'n any gifts from him so he couldn't have been that great...and umm ps...insert laugh here any family member that may not take my humor with grains of sea salt rimm'n yer 'rita) behind him and 2nd cuz Hugh

i'm sure i was gett'n a mint julip facial mask and pedicure by my cuz Carey and Shelly durin' this photo op

anywho...where was i?

oh yea...so my dad had a simple hunt'n rifle or 2 and bb gun

the rifle was only used to put food in our enormous trough..
while the bb gun was used fer that unfortunate pesky waskily wabbit that would try and visciously steal the family crops fer his own selfish gain

we had the fortunate luxury of never live'n thru a home invasion...
or being held hostage...though my star wars cards suffered a different fate at the hands of terrorists (known as my brothers)...and i would have to deal with hostage negotiations fer their safe return

i've seen many a movies back in the hay day...
with the extravagant display of the lasers and the bullet ballet shread'n bodies into swiss cheese in seconds

from the age of 6 thru today...and yet i've managed to never pick up a single loaded weapon to make a statement...in front of alot of people
bigger than a blush brush!

well...outside of one time as a teen at summer camp in '83...where i was under supervision and give'n a bb gun fer target practice only...
and then in '86...one bullet (well ok...it was a BB...but fer dramatic effect and to pull at yer heart strings) turned out to become best friends with my knee cap...thanx to my best friend's girlfriend at the time...who says she just wanted to "mess around"
 (anyway ya look at it...it still fuck'n hurt like H-E-double hockey stix)

after that devastate'n incident...TO ME...i vowed i would never pick up another loaded gun fer the rest of my life...and i haven't to this day...
well at least one's that weren't attached by the grace of inception to the hips

so fast forward to the past present...where mentally unstable or

insane incidents make'n the headlines

sensationalize'n the unsensational...turn'n maniac mortals into movie stars over nite...leave'n behind those left behind

lett'n irrational national society club members...
 become national finger point'n spook models...is a pain in my plump alabaster A double snakes

and fer all the spook'n the GOP made up...OBAMA never took ONE away
listen...i am all fer own'n a gun to hunt fer food fer those whose chose...i am all fer own'n a gun fer personal protection and use'n it when it's demanded...i'm even fer those who own guns as their collection pieces to showcase...but if that's just the real sole purpose to collect piles of them...then why have stock piles of ammunition fer them?

if yer so desperate to own some guns...then try join'n a gym perhaps...
these weren't designed to gun you down...only designed to get you to get down...on yer knees...and pray fer daylight....meeeouch!

like Boy George sung so boldly back in 1984...


unfortunately...unfortunate...excruciate'n...painful events will always happen


thoughts and prayers sent out on social media won't stop a bullet...hollyweird flicks or video games aren't to blame nor will they stop a bullet...nor will conservative pundits preach'n on their soapboxes about their 2nd amendment rights...so get yer head outta yer pancaked A double snakes and get off my dress!

Monday, January 2, 2017

it's clear and present danger

listen up...it's simple kittens...i am gonna make this very short...
BUTT
bitter sweet (since i'm on vaca this week)
i will not waste my breathe fer the next 4 years...justify'n nor ever accept'n a unqualified silver spooned mentally psychotic loose'n 12 year old tweet'n narcissistic sloth and his cabinet of equally brain dead anal warts...it's just not in my nature
the only number you need to remember...is not 867-5309
it's 2,864,974

and though there are 65,844,610 that actually have a brain and a conscious fer their fellow americans...this is for the 62,979,636 desperate reality bitten deplorables who need to remember that number every time things don't turn out the way they expected!

now get off my dress!

Monday, December 26, 2016

one more for the road

i'm sorry to say...but fuck it...i'm gonna say it...2016 was not a good year

but just as bad was the fact that Grimmy decided to clean house...royally!
by bein' an absolute asshole this year & steal'n the GEN X'ers musical royalty right out from under us that defined our generation!
first up...you blind sided us with a right hook by take'n our 2 toned eyed starman
then...as if yer appetite wasn't satisfied enough...you pulled a left hook and hadda take our very own lil Purple Paisley Man 

months would pass til you decided to give us a good bitch slap...with PETE BURNS from

and just when i thought he had enough and would adjourn to his coffin fer the year...since the year was just about up...he decided to steal one more of our greatest gifts and thee best A double snake shakers of our generation...by robb'n us of the great GEORGE MICHAEL on xmas
thanx alot asshole!...GEORGE was my secret high school hard on that i almost got a ride from on his bus at the St Paul Civic Center in 1988 on his "FAITH TOUR" after leave'n his equally fantastic band WHAM!...true story

but with the impend'n doom and gloom fer the new year we shall all reap
Mr. Reaper...though he may be music to the GOP & deplorables minds...he is not a musical genius in ANY respect...well...cuz he has no respect fer anyone but himself...may i suggest that we receive just ONE MORE visit from you before the clock strikes 12 on new years eve?
and if yer feel'n a lil more generous and wanna clean out his cabinet...i won't object!

now get off my dress!

Monday, December 19, 2016

HELL IS FER CHILDREN

ahhh...the merriest of reason to stock up on xanax this holiglazed season
is finally upon us once again...where parents start loose'n it...and begin booze'n it...just cuz all hell will break loose if they can't get their crippled claws on the latest fad fer their special lil ones reason why they have a cottaged cheese ass...while dear ol' dad goes an extra 100 miles outta his way just to take the "babysitter" home every nite...so they alternate that tired old excuse either #1 ol' Red Fat Ass was systematically busted once again fer drive'n under the influence on Christmas eve nite  or #2 they ended up on Santa's shit list again this year...as to why certain lil kittens wouldn't be gett'n that special lil gift that they've been bitch'n and begg'n fer all year long
in the 50's...every lil lassie went ape shit if dear old saint what's-wrong-with-his-fuck'n-memory...fergot to get them the much sought after hula hoop...so they could pratice the proper way to twerk their tush to keep their future pathetic excuse fer a marriage from fall'n apart by play'n that dreaded "my rocket fell into her socket" game
by the 60's...every lil girl and girlie boy wanted that bearded booze hound to leave them an easy bake oven so they could create their own personalized "baked" goods...just so they could drown out the screams of ma & dad after cocktail hour with the neighbors
once the 70's rocked on...everyone was pett'n somethin' on someone...but fer those unfortunates souls that never got asked to the prom...or even to their high school gang-bang...they always had their pet rock to keep them miserably happy til it was time to see Krusty Kringle the follow'n year
in the 80's...parents were pick'n out their plots if they couldn't get their hands on the bloated Barbie delightfully insane cabbage patch doll that that fruitcaked fellow was suppose to set...beautifully wrapped...under their coke flocked xmas tree
by the 90's...every child would shank a skank if they woke up xmas morn'n without their very own personalized speak'n furby from Papa Noel...which was really just the bastard child as the result of a gremlin and a pickled owl  nite of inbreed'n
and once the new millennium rolled around...it was all just a CROC of shit fer old Saint Dick!

though now a days...unfortunately...in some corners of the globe...

so remember...sometimes yer lil kittens should just be grateful that they live where they live

now get off my dress!