the secret ingreedients

when it comes to suffer'n fer the sake of the bake...

Betty Crocker is right up there with all the fake bakers thru-out the land

there's ALOT to be said about expensive tastes when it comes to

just desserts...fer instance...the NOKA chocolates...made from the finest of pedigreed cocoa beans...hand plucked by many Peruvian whistle children of Borneo...from the highest mountain tops of Ecuador...Venezuela and Trinidad...can set ya back over a cool $850...PER POUND!

i'm sorry...but the only cocoa i'd be dropp'n that kinda benjamins on is one Miss Peru

(but no more than $85 w/a meet & greet and perhaps a complimentary "paddy whack" from the barback...in back)

if chocolate ain't particularly part of yer palette...maybe perhaps

a golden opulence sundae on a saturday nite from New York's Serendipity 3 restaurant might make yer taste buds dance until dawn...cost'n you a pretty hefty handful of pennies...10 million to be exact (that's 1000 benjamins fer you slow pokers)

but if i'm gonna spend $1000 on somethin' opulent...it ain't come'n in a glass bowl...it'll be come'n on my face

perhaps choke'n down on $14,500 worth of mouth water'n artistry...

complete with a bejeweled 80 carat aquamarine and served with a side of mango and pomegranate compote...is more bang fer yer buck...you can purchase this sweet treat at the Wine3 Fisherman Stilt restaurant in beautiful downtown Sri Lanka...tell em the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe sent ya...ya might get a discount...ya might not!

of course personally...i think yer better off sign'n up fer dance classes at the funny farm if yer gonna shell out those kinda coins fer some confectionary delight



but the pinnacle of pastry perfection to wet yer whistle will set you back

just a measly $135,000...or lack there of in this case...and you can find it in the wetlands of...Gresham Oregon?

well that's only cuz of these 2 CASPER crusade'n crocodile tear'n crustaceans tried use'n their "religiously held buffoonery voodoo beliefs" to regretfully make cake...

fer these 2 love'n pie-eat'n parents of 2...who were plann'n a wedd'n 4 days after it was legalized in Oregon back in 2014...just cuz Aaron decided this same sex couple were "abominations" and that is a direct quote he told one of the the mothers of the couple who returned 2 days later to reason with these religiously rectal wipes

the cankerous couple tried desperately to contact their voodoo...

voice of reason...unfortunately...CASPER had other pressing matters to worry about...

like whether or not Paris Hilton really was the reincarceration of veteran caricature actress Joan Van Ark at the golden globes last nite...

or whether OPRAH has a snowballs chance in H-E-double hockey stix to defeat and humiliate #45 for the WHITE HOUSE in 2020 (if he ain't been locked up by then)...so their annoy'n calls went straight to voicemail and were never returned... 

luckily fer everyone with a ounce of dignity and respect for the chastised couple...they were forced to close their callous cakery permanently 3 years later...due to their religiously held stupidity...and told to pay their dues

if there is a lesson to make from this very expensive lesson kittens

it's this...make'n the fuck'n cake or post a sign in yer windows that states yer a total lobotomized  cherry-pick'n asswipe...it'll make it so much easier on everyone else in the end...kapeesh?

now get off my dress!

ps...my good friend and co-partner who gave me my first taste of fame in the late 80's with our band ASTRO PUSSYCATS...Dr. Bob...made a kill'n between both online and in person benefits from his house fire on NYE morn'n...over the weekend...haul'n in over a hefty $17g's in 5 days...so thanx fer all who helped him and his fam out


the last EH!

it has been a long enough time ago...in a theater not so far far away...

so if you haven't seen the conclusion to the most talked about trilogy x3 (also referred to as milk'n a dead horse) in the universe of film by now...well then fuck off and go before you read any further...

bein' one of the originals that actually seen THEE original with my dad...

 and 5 sibs at the time...back in 1977...all i can say from what i don't even remember from that time period any longer...outside of the few remnants that i had managed to save in my desk at school a couple years later...was that this was thee most imaginationally magically delicious film i had ever witnessed in my life...and still to this day!

though i can say...after see'n the finale fer the 2 1/2 times...it's s-o-r-t-a

grow'n on me...but lemme start with the coolest visually stimulate'n character in the entire film...and this petrified apricot leader with an attitude of the unexplained First Order...WAS NOT it!

although...i did quite fancy his imperial chamber...it had this sorta ala galactic kool-aid blood clot motif thing happen'n...which was very minimalistically slick and presentational...

think Ming's palace...without all that clutter

no...the 1st new character to command my cornea's attention was his eye popp'n Praetorian Guards...decked out in sleek cherry red armadillo armor...ripped right off the runways of fashion week in Tatooine (i can only assume)...with it's peek-a-boo side slit to show off those match'n shiny patent PETA approved knee high gogo boots...

made their functionality envious of all other guards thru-out the galaxy...especially their distant cousins...the Royal Guards

award fer the most annoy'n waste of screen time goes to...

 these bloated weeble wobble rats with wings...sold to the audience as Porgs (or more appropriately titled "design us somethin' we can market to milk the parents of all those lil whiney basturds that'll go apeshit over them") i don't think i need to inform you that they were just a complete waste of technological magic

sorry Charlie...but yer only spinn'n crap outta gold...no matter how hard ya try

after 40 years of fly'n from planet to planet thru-out the galaxy...

Skywalker goes from dream date...to undominant daddy...seriously?

after he checked into Shady pines on the breath take'n and majestically beautiful island of Ahch-To...you'd think he'd kick back and relax by the Ahch-To sea sipp'n on sangrias and solve'n galactic crossword puzzles...but OOOOH NO!...someone needed to check their attitude...along with their cape...at the door...Luke was such a crotchety colostomy bag thru-out this film...

but...in his defense...i guess you would be a pain in the light-saber to deal with to if you hadda depend on yer turtles in waiting constantly serve'n you a metamucil martini...when you know you specifically ordered a manhattan on the rocks

and believe me when i say...i'm all about memorable corny lines ...

from intergalalatic space chatter like  "will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way? (among many many others)

but that whole "can you here me now?...i'm on hold" bullshit between Poe make'n a person to person  intergalactic ship connection with General Hux durin' the first 30 minutes of the flick...try'na just stall fer time so the Rebels could jump into light speed...gimme a fuck'n break!

that's like discretely try'n cross sell MADONNA's new album when you find out that she was originally supposed to be Kylo Ren's love interest on the planet of Jakku...hey...she's just a hard work'n mother of 6...

work'n hard for the money!

and speak'n of Kylo Ren...who knew what was underneath all that evil apparel...grrrrrranimal!...he's all so grrrrravy on my mashed potatoes!...call me anytime Kylo...i'm wait'n!

i'm all about a gal try'n keep up appearances with a new galactic quaff

 every now and then...to feel fresher than an Ewok on Endor and all...

(stormtrooper) BUTT...

H-E-L-L-O...where in the sam H-E-double hockey stix did Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo find a QVC on Gatalenta with L'Oreal #34 Lavender Bliss?...cuz i could'a swore i read somewhere that the Imperial Senate banned all chemically enhanced pigment sales since 3653 BBY (that's Before the Battle of Yavin...do yer research kittens!)...and besides...

she just looked like Effie's aunt from the Hunger Games...AND...not to mention...

all i kept see'n the whole damn entire time durin' the duration of the film was Dr. Ellie Sattler...thank LEIA...she finally jumped into light speed
(and trust me...it wasn't soon enough!)

as far as make'n it a family affair...i get it...sorta...(i really don't)

but it was awfully nice that Miss Fisher could pull some strings with the force to get her daughter in the film...but what's up with that name...Lieutenant Connix?...quiet frankly to me...she just sounded more like an STD...and ok F-I-N-E...i get the homage to yer mother's iconic cinnabuns from the beginn'n of the franchise...but come on kittens (wait...no don't actually...that's not nice) that's just a sloppy beauty school drop out style at best...cuz they're more interested in who's hitt'n em up on Tinder/Grindr durin' hair & make-up

and as much as i luved me some Leia through-out the entire series...

(and i truly did) when that ship...MC85 Star Cruiser...that she was try'n get to the closest galaxy gas station before they stalled in space...ended up gett'n blown up by storm troopers...cuz her son Kylo lost his evil balls...Leia was the only one to survive the destruction as she floated thru space like some intergalactic mary poppins...to the new ship because of the force?...ummm...if that's the case...

then can someone explain to me why oh why did poor Obi Wan die when he was sliced in half by Vader 40 years earlier...hmmm?...what...was the force a bit prejudice against raisin ranch'n hermits perhaps back in the 70's?

of course there was plenty of staple fight scenes of good versus evil...

though visually stimulate'n on the big screen...the battle of Crait...where Luke succumbs to the same faded demise as his jedi master Yoda...

is completely blanketed in salt...seriously?...Leia can survive float'n in space without any sorta breath'n apparatus...(thanx to the force of course)...but the force couldn't save Luke from breath'n a highly toxic sodium intake?...you wanna hide out in a planet full of salt...then you check with yer doctor first...that's just a simple pimple tip from yer unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own galaxy!

btw...i do totally wanna own one of these crystalline wolf/fox/dog/linx thing-a-ma-jiggers though...i mean...why not!...they were pretty cool

all in all...i was glad i went to THE LAST JEDI...notice i said G-L-A-D...

 i'd be an idiot not to...unlike the prequels when i actually was...and of course i will buy the dvd just to complete my collection

to sum it up...the franchise will never end...now that the goddamn

 mouse house owns it...let's just hope that they don't bastardize thee entire galaxy fer US originals (and YES it's ALL about US who were there from the start)...i'm sure the follow'n one will be called somethin' like:
STAR WARS: HEY GUYS...COME BACK...WE FOUND ANOTHER JEDI

i am ABSOLUTELY psyched to see "SOLO" next may...but if they fuck up my grade school crush...i'm out!

now get off my dress!


ps...a good friend & genius puppeteer who's entertained countless kids thru-out the mid-west for the past 20 years from high school (and his kids) lost everything on NYE morn'n to a house fire...if yer a great supporter of the arts...Dr. Bob would be beyond grateful...thanx!
click here to donate

over it!

sometimes death becomes her...

and sometimes...it SIMPLY does not!

much like most of my feel'ns to give'n a rat's ass about gett'n romantically involved with any sane non heterosexual in particular...we've buried alot of very important things this past year

from democracy...

to decency

from the wonderful world of entertainment...

a 70's hearth breaker...to a 70's heart throb

a super hero...to a super freak

but most of all...the best damn neurotic hat tosser from the Minne-Apple



outside of all these familiar famous faces in the entertainment field...

this new crop of kittens simply known as the instant oatmeal generation...who've never broken a sweat to get what they want...thanx in part to touch screens and downloadable apps...we've lost sooo much more than just mortal stars...many many things that were once a useful tool...have fall'n off the face of the earth since this new crop of up and come'n kittens have taken over

the main one bein' the art of verbal communicado...

our ancestors spent thousands of years design'n and perfect'n the verbiage system into many many different flavors of communication...

but thanx to devices like the internet...call wait'n...text'n...

Helen Keller...

George Orwell's prophecy is turn'n the entire world into a huge pile of non verbal communicative paranoid mashed potatoes and take'n the brain work outta bein' human...fuck'n up millions of years of social interaction

i think Weeza said it best when she said...

"i smiled at the son-of-a-bitch before i could help myself"
there was no misinterpretation to be had then at all...but technology has turned societies up and come'n majority into lobotomized bags of unfeel'n fucktards by turn'n this lost art into a communicational cluster fuck of alphabetically coded messages like LMAO...LOL...TTYL...WTF? that their ancestors are left to decode

but also join'n them in the graveyard is...

the VHS tape along with their plugged in pimp machine that used them til they were busted and broken...murdered by those who were too unkind to rewind...so very very young...i hope yer happy!

1-900-phone sex lines that once helped pave the careers of many...

stay at home mom's and just as many unattractive out-of-shape homo's who built their self esteem up...

 by cut-n-paste'n some tall dark built grecian piece of man flap as their own...under the pseudo name of  Dirk or Dusty...or Mr.Pus...have been replaced by...

but on the flip side...

self esteem sessions and prozac prescriptions have gone thru the roof

hot spots like B. Dalton and Borders bookstores...

that once housed the latest and greatest novels by Jackie Collins or Suzanne Somers...

 which also had their very own built in meat-n-greet conventions thru-out the midwest and beyond...are no longer with us...

thanx to amazon.com...and e-readers...now all those married suburbanites have been forced to find online love that is not to be spoken of at the dinner table and forced to travel half way across town in the middle of a cold rainy nite to some desert highway rest stop to get any relief without repercussion

the hypnotize'n sounds of the constant click click click of  the cd cases...

 as you flipped thru row after row to find the latest or yer greatest musical act with KRYSTAL KLEER crystal clear quality...cover art and lyric sheets that taught you the correct pronunciations of the songs...so you didn't look like a total ass on karaoke nite...have been die'n a very slow miserable death...

thanx to these guys

what once gave us gen X'ers and those before us...

headaches after spend'n endless hours flipp'n thru the yellow pages (and i don't mean the ones that some wino wee'd on in an alleyway) try'n to decide which categories like pizza or porn were listed under...is no longer with us...

thanx to these bitches take'n the brain power outta the new kittens on the block

remember when the only way to pay yer mortgage/telephone/cable bills

 or that babysitter off with hush money...so you could get off...just to swing yer hammer and show yer almighty power if they pissed you off by place'n a stop payment on their ass...or that elderly incontinent parent marinate'n in tea rose perfume who sent in a yearly donation of $2 to whatever charity of choice...think'n she was pay'n fer front row seats into the kingdom of Casper...

 have been all but been replaced as a form of payment by these bastards for online payments

carpal tunnel was all the rage thru-out the ages...

thanx to all those hand written notes that once showed you cared enough to send yer deepest most inner thoughts by putt'n pen to paper and spend'n yer pocket change to purchase a stamp to prove you really cared whether it was regard'n love...sympathy or a simple "how ya been?"...

have been totally replaced by free phony forwarded messages of hope or regret on FB by people who've post the pass'n of a loved one...only to figer out if the 1000 likes were because they're sad or glad fer yer lose...and wrongcards.com 

so in conclusion kittens...though i may be age'n myself by complain'n...

about "how it used to be in the good ol' days"...by capture'n those kodak moments to last ferever...or til his cheat'n ass breaks yer heart and you rip him outta yers ferever...there are some advantages to try'n on these generational gap jeans...especially when it comes to premature age'n...

now i can always look like a filthy fetus with have'n to go under the knife!

now get off my dress!