Rotten to the Core pt. 2

i swear to fuck'n CHER...that anytime i go on a temp vaca all by myself

it always ends up somehow as a demonic twisted and tawdry saturday nite special from satan's lair...that i never really wanted...nor cared to star in...so before you go any further kittens...get yerself a ticket to the catch up train fer a quick flashback to where it all began in pt. 1 here...before you pull outta the station

are we all on the same page now?

well...buckle up cuz it don't get any better i'm afraid...kick back and pop a prozac and enjoy the torment'n continuation to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE

i finally landed with all my senses in tact at Laguardia airport...look'n impossibly fresh faced and innocently naive and gitty...like a young fantastically spastic Valarie Bertinelli (hey i'm tell'n the story...so put that finger of judgement where the sun don't shine)

i contacted my bnb host as to the quickest (and let's be real...CHEAPEST)

 route to get to my temporary palace and he informed me unless i packed my broomstick or ruby slippers...that the best mode of transportation would be a shuttle to port authority cuz he was blocks from there and it would be approximately 40 min...

hey...i may be a bit anal...but i work best on a time table

little did i know...i was gonna be accompanied by a gaggle of castaways...

that i just wanted to cast away from my shuttle...goin on a damn 3 hr tour practically around the airport and then the city (well it was only 1 1/2 hrs)...but you feel my pain...don'tcha?

as i was the 2nd to the last bein dropped off...i took a deep breath and

 finally deshuttle'd at the port authority and text'd my host Elliot (fer security purposes...Elliot will be played by hollyweird heartthrob Matt Dillon...well cuz he had that Dillon villain quality about him...you'll understand soon enough) plus...after my russian host had canceled on me with no reason a week before i was to fly out...Elliot was the perfect runner up...looks wise anyways...cooooome on...it's shallow...i know...but you live fer it!

so he texted me to walk 6 short blocks and i'd be at his place...ya right?

S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y...does he not know that i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...where there ain't nothin' short about the blocks in NY...plus...i already had completed my calisthenics before i left the Minne-Apple

i mean...i wasn't expect'n Morgan to meet me at the port authority...but would'a killed Elliot to meet me half way...that's all i'm say'n!

by now it was almost 10 minutes til my next nervous break down....

so i dropped off my shit as we gave each other the proverbially welcome'n shoulder hugs and crotch tugs...then it was off to his friends bar directly across the street so i could drown myself in my ritual cosmo and endless banter and bullshit with the locals...

this would continue fer the next 5 hours and some countless minutes after the next...from bar to bar...east of Hell's Kitchen to the West Village...and of course bein' my 1st time in the BIG APPLE fer PRIDE...i expected it would be packed as all H-E-doule hockey stix out...with the many different flavors of faggotry and faggotry hagess's...

but with the high humidity the city was experience'n that nite...it was more like sweaty salami and sardine city

by 2:30...Elliot ran into his x at whatever bar we were at...where i wanted 

to seriously barf...not cuz of the booze intake mind you...but cuz of the bad stench...we're talk'n vomit valley...so decide'n to call it a nite...we all 3 skipped to my loo...to my new boo's bunker...well...cuz nature was call'n me off the hook fer like the past hour or so...and i wasn't about to take a number in line at the bars...when i was about ready to drop a couple of em off myself!

back at my home sweet home...i was ready to bust like a baboon in june

little did i know that once i pulled up my culottes and returned to the mini party in the other room...that i would be give'n the chance to audition fer the apparent stage production of breaking bad!

WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

i was sooo damn tired at this point...i wasn't in any mode to point the finger of judgement at anyone...let alone my host and his half naked henchman

i just respectfully declined and started count'n sheep in the other room with one eye open and dreamt of some sugar daddy that would take me away from all this by morn'n...unfortunately...it would never come to fruition

by morn'n...i contacted my fav-o-rit filthiest bitter blonde and international

 youtube sensation MISS SHERRY VINE...(who i once had the pleasure to work with years back in the Minne-Apple at the Varsity Theater in Dinkytown and a moment in time i shall never ferget...now that i wrote myself a lil note here) to find out when and where i could catch one of her many PRIDE productions and was told to meet her at Intermezzo...so i wrapped my freshly showered nubile body in a simple full length Gaultier knock off from the bottom bins at the salvation army...

but quickly found out...i was just a bit over dressed fer the PRIDE weather when i got outside that morn'n

once i rearranged my DNA from the puddle i had become...i made my way to the SHERRY show...and trust me...she DID NOT disappoint...like so many others pretty much everyone i've ever worked with in the past back home

after the show...i met a local on the street who was put under a spell by...

 the billboard that i was apparently display'n on my noggin...and he'd become my partner in crime fer the remainder of the day...into the wee hours of the morn'n

it's always nice to get serviced from the boys in blue...

and of course no PRIDE would be complete without a visit to where it ALL began!

my day was full of 1st's...my 1st trip to the Chelsea Piers...my 1st PRIDE parade in the Big Apple...my 1st throat plunge'n proposal in some seedy bathroom bar in the West Village...my 1st attempt at gett'n pick pocket'd...

all the 1st's i'd always never expect'd...but glad i got to fulfill...unfortunately though...the ONE crucial 1st that i really deserved...and longed for...was never delivered in today's episode...

so i'm sorry...but you will not be hear'n about me sail'n away with some all mighty seaman/semen (explore the possibilities with that one on yer own) or swabb'n some almighty deck/dick (here we go again)..and though i still had 2 more days to fulfill my 1st's (well on this trip anyways...don't judge kitten!) i thought i could end it here...but i just can't cuz there's sooo much more...besides...i'm famished...and i ain't gett'n paid to write this shit...so come back next week fer the annoy'n conclusion to: 

ROTTEN TO THE CORE

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Rotten to the Core pt.1

we all wanna have those stylishly cultured chatter box'n bff's that can

slay you with their "attempt" at humor look fer that perfect picture to "remember when" moments when yer reminisce'n with that colostomy bag bunk'n next to you as the staff changes yer sheets fer the 3rd time that day...while serve'n ya jell-o 3 times a day at the home (even though yer posse always ended up look'n more like a gaggle of throat plunge'n whores show'n off yer oral skills)...while yer on vaca atop a hot tin rooftop...on a hot summer day in the BIG APPLE...sipp'n sangria's and choke'n down cosmos til the cows come home...or at the very least...

til the cops are called to tell you to come down...even though you know yer rights...that you were entitled to 1 phone call and a strip search...but secretly...you knew you had no one to call...except hopefully him in the morn'n...cuz you remembered to wear yer Versace knee pads

it'd been some time since i had explored some far off city on my very own

last time was the early late 90's in merry ol' England fer the 1st time...London always felt to me like my kindred home...that i was supposed to be born in...in another dimensional universe and time...though who am i kidd'n...my whole purpose of said vaca was to hunt down the BOY and make him my own personal love slave (in a non slave sorta way of course...slavery is not fun kittens...just a lil FYI) that i could call at a moments notice if my electricity was cut off...due to insufficient funds...and i need a place to crash fer the next year or 10

a month before i left my job...i seen MISS GRIFFIN was finally goin out on

 tour after the whole humorously 1st amendment debacle with her hold'n a severed head FUCK'N MASK DRIPP'N IN KETCHUP of our unfortunate mentally deranged lie'n sack of pigshit currently disgrace'n the oval orifice in DC...

i'd never been to Carnegie Hall in NY and i knew it was gonna be an EPIC take'n down so this show was one I DID NOT WANT TO MISS!!

so i booked my flight...in the process...i found out a couple days earlier was NY PRIDE...and decided to check it out fer the 1st time on my own...why not!

hotels were thru the roof this time a year...and pay'n over $800 just to...

 shit and shower was frankly not part of my piggy bank budget...it crossed my noggin to save some coins and check out a hooker hotel...but even if Miss Kitty was host'n at her brothel...i just couldn't convince myself that it'd be worth it...

after experience'n my last mistake try'n save some coins in 2003 when i was in town to see the fantastically brilliant BOY GEORGE musical "TABOO" on broadway...return'n to my "hotel" at 3 am to make a quick run down the hall to the lil gurls room...

i would be greeted by some butt ass naked break'n bad bitch on the floor...slumped over the bathtub who started shoot'n the shit with me...while shoot'n up shit in her arm...that one could assume was her din din...and offered me an offer'n...to share just a small but polite portion...wave'n me down to pop a squat next to her "hey baby...yeh all goo'...come'on in"...hey at least she's wasn't a typical selfish shooter...so i give her props fer that...but with a twitch of my nose and the snap of my phalanges...

i was outta there!

chatt'n one nite on-line to the NY mo's to let them know that my presence

would be permeate'n their city soon and to please roll out the red carpet upon my arrival...well...one particular poker suggested to me that i should go AIR BNB route...i'd save myself many coins and get a more fulfill'n experience...so i researched the link he sent me fer the next couple days til i found the perfect "piehole"...i mean host with the most rate'n

and ended up find'n the purrrrrrfect russian body builder trainer...with high scores...and trust me...his went thru the roof after read'n his profile...his daily rate was cheaper than than a cut and color at Fantastic Sam's so i booked him out fer the duration of my vacation...a full month in advance cuz i didn't wanna take a chance...only to have him cancel on me a week before i was to fly out...

luckily...i found someone within the same cut-n-color price range that had even a higher rate'n...that was a bit closer to where i wanted to plant my A double snakes...so i contacted the host immediately and ironed out plans to occupy his pad

it would almost be 24 hours before i would be whisked off to the airport...

so i popped into my pubic library (and yes that was no freudian slip...cuz if you seen the island of ritual bathers i have'ta deal with on a daily basis where i write you this inquisitive and highly informative and motivational blog after all these years...trust me...you would agree) to print out my ticket...but unfortunately couldn't find the email

i've done my fair share of charity...more than i care to count...thank CHER fer those penicillin shots though!

after a mini melt down...i recalled see'n the Delta Delta Delta can i help ya help ya help ya symbol...so i immediately contacted the airline only to find out i had bought a one way ticket to the BIG APPLE...thought i love love love NEW YORK...i had no seriously plans of not return'n back to my shit box (unless i got the right lotto numbers from the nite before)

i frantically rushed home to call my sister to order me a return ticket home

and though it was more than i wanted to pay...this was no time to pinch those pennies in my nana purse cuz i was goin to NY come hell or high water some how...so i said just book it...only to get a return call from my sis 15 minutes later...well cuz she booked me a flight from the Minne-Apple to the BIG APPLE on my return date....

after another mini meltdown...i poured myself a major metamucil martini...in a BIG GULP and all was good in the hood once again
(thanx sis)

the day had FINALLY arrived fer me to get outta dodge fer a few days...

and as always...i packed light on those heave fly days...goin thru security was easy and breezy fer a change without the proverbial gynecological exam...everything seem to be tick'n along like clockwork orange...that is...until we hit the runway gett'n ready to taxi off...and all of a sudden on the over head speaker...the captain says so patiently..."sorry folks...but we seem to have a glitch in our system...and we radio'd the the tower fer maintenance to run out here quick fer a check up before take off"

well..only a short 10 minutes would go by and i could here the engines start'n back up again... minutes later we were ready to taxi down the runway...but we only make it roughly about 100 yards or so and another announcement from the captain could be heard "again i apologize folks but we are gonna be delayed a bit longer cuz there's too many planes land'n into laguardia at the moment...we should be in the air in about 40 minutes or so...so feel free to get up and stretch"...i hesitated fer a moment but figer'd there's no point in gett'n all bent outta shape like the anal wart behind me...since my broom stick was broken...when finally took off down the runway...i thought to myself...well...it can't get any worse...

or can it?

tune in next week fer the torment'n conclusion to:

ROTTEN TO THE CORE

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

PRIDE!

with the PRIDE faggotery of festivities come'n to a close around the globe

brand new confectious infections are inducted into the STD halls of flamers...as the malignant muscled mary's shake off the remain'n glitter embedded into their over priced barely there underwear...

and HOME DEPOT gives birth to a new crop of cantankerous crop tops

and i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...settled down into funky town to turn someone's frown upside down...or at the very least...to my amusement

very late...one uninterested summer afternoon undelight...in the world of fornicational follies known as SCRUFF...i found myself flipp'n thru the fuckage from around the globe and came across a long distance unfair love...who would simply be known as DA to me...and was only a few short 225 miles away...inquire'n what i was doin...to which i simply replied...

hey...they were the first peeps to pop into my mind at that time...this one particular afternoon...i mean...why wouldn't you have these established and accomplished melodic ma'ams and ma'amesses in yer dvd collection?

apparently...my long distance sperm worm wanted to make a sacrificial facial in my honor...so he didn't particularly appreciate my humorless response and decided to toss me some 'tude...

really?...HOW RUDE!...

but then the mayor of hornyville...mr. paddy caker...thought about it fer a minute and decided...hmmm...perhaps i (mean'n he) should'a been a bit more specific...too which i could only come up with one suitable answer...i think you would agree!

needless to say...he wasn't too damn happy to get this news...

and summoned the kracken from within the depths of his desperately empty soul...and blocked my A double snakes fer eternity

well...i'm just here to tell you how fuck'd up i am about the whole damn situation...

but i'm sure i'll find a way to get over this with a lil "spirited medicine"

now get off my dress!