BANNED IN THE USA

there has been a long history of persons...places and things that were 

considered a huge NO NO in this country...date'n back to the beginn'n of time...fer instance...

1 million years B.C. (that's before caucasions fer you tiktok'ers since most of you want to exploit almost everything for yer unhinged insane agenda) woman was not allowed to wear any poly blends due to extreme temperatures since feminine hygiene products would not be readily available to the general public fer roughly a million years...instead forced into cover'n their unhinged unmentionables with cheap but functional tyrannosaurus hide...

as not to upstage the true dames of the dessert durin' the divasaurus period!

BUTT...ain't it a shame

by the time the 1920's rolled around...unhinged alcoholics everywhere

were gett'n their knickers in a knot cuz the US government decided to ban the production...distribution and consumption of ALL alcoholic sales known as the BETTY FORD clinical trial era (or "the prohibition period" to all you Alex Trebek twats) that was until the revolt 13 years later in 1933 when all hell broke loose and alcoholics everywhere stumbled and fumbled and were proud to show off their sclerosis of the liver badge

however by 1963 hot to trot president and Marilyn Monroe's afternoon

 delight JFK decided to get in a piss match with the president of Cuba over whether or not Lynn Anderson's "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" hit should'a included Cuba in the lyrics or somethin' like that i think so he decided to impose travel restrictions to his country

in the 1970's baltimore's own filthiest person alive....drag super legend 

DIVINE had not one but 2 of her films banned fer 25 years from movie theaters due it's sexually depraved content (though both were easily available in the 80's once the home video crazy began)

when the 1980's popped up on the map...those heavy metal alcoholic 

wives known simply as TWISTED SISTER fronted by maybelline madman DEE SNIDER found himself in the middle of a musical shit storm due to their "offensive lyrics" that was spearheaded by future vice presidential 1st lady TIPPER GORE the prudish whore of the P.M.R.C (Parade of Moralistically Regurgitated Cunts) 

that bitch slapped ANY record'n artists with these blasphemous labels that had any kinda questionable lyrics in their music that fortunately only helped catapulted the artist into sell'n a shit load more 8-track tapes...the record industry thanx you TIPPER!

now fast forward to jan 6th 2021 and F-I-N-A-L-L-Y after the insurrectional

attack on the US capitol in DC incited by the former mentally deranged IMPEACHED TWICE FER LIFE sociopathetik sack of vomitous shit has-been joke who ran the country into the ground fer 4 unfortunate years...media giants FACEBOOK and TWITTER continued with their bitch slapped ban fer continue'n his tirade about how the election was suppose to be stolen from PRESIDENT BIDEN cuz he was still collude'n with the Kremlin and try'n to incite more of his baseless bullshit to his dwindle'n light socket lick'n brain dead reTRUMPlicunt dipshitters...

like this gem over the weekend...

who knew JR's new nickname was Medina?

he had originally sent out this text but Baron told his shitbag father everyone will think he's incriminate'n himself BIGLEY!

of course there will be those who scream bloody murder of  "free speech"

bein' trampled on...however those fucktards are the same venereal diseases that think the Duck Dynasty has been around alot longer than the Ming Dynasty...in either case...though i'm all fer free speech...i...along with most of the rational planet with at least one function'n brain cell couldn't be more pleased as punch that the walk'n mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE TWICE corrupt coffin never gets back the bullhorn to spew his bullshit!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

HUNGER GAMES pt.2

it's totally laughable to think as a tender teenaged terror that you know

how the world is run and that you can never be fooled 

 just like in all those deliciously bad and utterly tackilicious Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on in part 1 of HUNGER GAMES before move'n on

and now the exhilerate'n conclusion to HUNGER GAMES...

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our taste buds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags of monetary value...ummmm SCORE!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps ma's car

and hatched a plan...completely ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies...as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth!

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of hair dyes cuz we were all die'n to change our luscious locks to a completely different shade than we had previous to our life of crime (see...this is where Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked it up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a brassy burgundy if anyone asks

next up was to purchase one way tickets to some foreign country...

at the time i thought Ottumwa Iowa seemed quite quiet plus i could hang with Radar at the local soda shop and talk about his time in the trenches...hey...i just figered if we layed low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

i wouldn’t have to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin...then we could all meet up at some undisclosed rendezvous point but after we figered there was no way Big Lipps wouldn't get his ass kicked if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work...he just dropped me off at home and went on his merry lil way to his

Joan Crawford was gone fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in Virginia

so it was me and my 3 older brothers that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs and by the time i finally made it home that nite i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...turns out...i had 2 full bags of quarters and devised a plan to cash them in but that would have to wait til morn'n

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their morn'n stomach fillers... 

and transfixed onto their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program to keep the lil monkeys quiet while i tried to figer the best way to cash in my loot

i went down to the basement and grabbed a handful of mason jars from

 Joan's cann'n collection and completely filled up 4 of the large jars to the brim so i packed them neatly in my pack back 

and off to the bank i flew before they would close by noon and too my surprise i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamin's to my name...that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old since my paper route only paid me 38 benjamin's a month to deliver the Winona Shopper

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth...so i called Big Lipps up to see what he scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamin's in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamin's fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's & Gen Z’ers will never really appreciate the 1000's of click click click's of cd cases like us gen X'ers)

once inside...i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me right in the face...at the simple low low cost of $7.50...how could i go wrong? this was totally an omen cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck with my co-conspirators i would most likely never have went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was meant to be

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps dropped me off at home

but my younger sibs were once again gett'n restless since the saturday morn'n news was come'n to an end so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store and find somethin to keep the monkeys tap dance'n fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered try'na figer out how to wisely invest my new found windfall

after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted 

fer the feel good flick about some abandoned bungee turd from outer space and if i remember correctly...a lil unknown but equally important cumm'n of age foreign flick "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (but that was fer my own personal view'n with some of  my friends)

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new dark lavender Culture Club wallet contain'n my $355.50 i had left in my back pocket where i kept it...so  frantically i ran thru the rental store like a tasmanian devil with turrets...however...after 10 minutes or so of not find'n it i figered i probably dropped it somewhere in the house so i huffy'd my plump and oh so supple A double snakes back home as fast as a hornet from Havana...flipp'n my entire bedroom upside down...i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly felt like the princess trapped in H-E-double hockey stix with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store

to ask the 2 town whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

waid'a'minute!...i never said what kinda wallet it was at ALL!

the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro's who weren't play'n around so not ONLY did i forgo the video rentals fer my sibs (and that one video nasty fer me and my friends) i also didn't get to relish in my new found wealth any longer and worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDER HOLY GRAIL!

and i'm pretty sure not even Indiana would've been able to solve this mystery 

moral of this story is...karma is more than just a chameleon from the 80's

and that twinkies are not the chemically treated deliciousness that we were lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can possibly be charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream i fergot to not remember...ever!

HUNGER GAMES pt.1

there's nothing like wake'n up at the ass crack of dawn to drive 27 minutes

approximately just to play patty cake...patty cake...please don't puke on my Prada pumps with some precious lil puke bucket in rush hour traffic...

only to be greeted by a military parade of about 10 armored franks in tanks in front of yer apartment build'n...however that's exactly what happened this particular morn'n

BUTT there it is...

so close yer eyes and picture it kittens...this time let's just go with the 16th

century...why not! scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a witty acherist fox with his band of merry men who could shoot an arrow that could dance thru the air like the precision of a russian ballet that stole from the rich and gave to the poor...

awwwwwwwwwww!

now let's hop in our delorean and fast forward to 3 centuries later...shall we?

where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...

thanx in part to thee most famous duo and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...

no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde...and their bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously...i'da give'n em a pass if they had...banks are FDIC insured fer that sorta shit anyways!

and of course who couldn ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's

i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...

back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "don't you forget about me" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine

totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "CRAZY FOR YOU"

although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "WE ARE THE WORLD" even if the song was fer a good cause...plus i just felt Miss LaToya was lyp-sync'n thee entire time

BUTT...again? F-O-C-U-S

anywho'z'll'ding....let's get back to the story

so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...

gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r (even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)

he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomniatic issues...in acid wash jeans (hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) you remember he called me up frantically one even'n in the summer of  '85 and told me to high tale my plump and supple A double snakes out to his place...like pronto!

feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom

and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola...but totally cool lip smacker due to the fact that my lips were dry as fuck that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air...or lack there of (i think) winged out my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...

and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red) and flew like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer which was approximately a leisure 20 minute bike ride though i knew he wanted me there yesterday so i hadda pump up my cardio fer the even'n and fly thru the bike paths around lake Winona like a bat outta hell...

which...anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite in Winona knows NEVER to bike around the lakes unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of fish flies

once i reached the other end of the lakes...my entire bonnie bell uncola 

smacked lips were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies each harpooned by my sharp split ends (i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)

by the time i reached my final destination...i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's...i mean Xavier's driveway...his mother "Matilda" (more on her in another post) rented the upstairs of her house to a guy who worked fer the local vend'n machine company and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors of his vend'n truck

 were locked....so Xavier...always bein' a bit of a snoopy snop that he was...found out the renter fergot to lock the back doors of his truck...and when we opened the doors...we hit the mother fuck'n load of confectionery delights...

it was like a diabetics dream house inside!

thought my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...

what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone 

as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer

to him as Big Lipps from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck in the still of that dark humid july nite...

i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps ma's gold lame' colored pinto blow-about mobile to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come that we of course planned on use'n as our get-a-way car 

once Xavier had assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight...

he couldn't believe his eyes cuz we found somethin' so much more than what we thought we would EVER expect to...to all our surprise...

tune in next week fer the excruciate'n conclusion to HUNGER GAMES...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!