suits were all the the rage on the big screen when flirt'n with the enemy then subsequently have'n many afternoon rendezvous' with said ringed finger that you would unfortunately have to teach their tike how to make bunny soup with the family pet when you get ignored in "
FATAL ATTRACTION"
while on the small screen 2 single bi-leveled dickslingers somehow ended
up raise'n their one nite stands teenage daughter not know'n who's daughter it really is after the mother's death on NBC's snorefest series that included thee worst POS theme song ever in the history of theme songs "
MY TWO DADS"
and the best butt shaker in the biz from the biggest duo of the 80's group
WHAM! lead singer GEORGE MICHAEL had finally decided to come outta the closet (sorta speak) into yer bedroom...shake'n his money maker all the way up the charts with "I WANT YOUR SEX"
and i finally discovered the full glorious mean'n of what "chipp'n yer teeth"
really meant when a classmate who sat behind me 2 rows back in my type'n class was introduced to me thru an old bff (i'll just refer to as KR fer anonymity purposes) who worked with him at the news plantation in my hometown (i'll just refer to him as BT fer anonymity purposes of course since has been over 30 years after all)
so fer a lil back story on BT...he was just yer average non descript raven
haired girbaud jean wear'n teenrager like most back in the day from my recollection when i first locked eyes on him who never really stuck out like an over active STD to me in the slightest (like most of the unfuckable jocks and cheerlead'n whores at the time)
and since i was already beginn'n to lay the payment on my road to become'n the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...he was zero threat to me...
though i would eventually find out that BT was obsessed with PETE BURNS from the british electro pop group "DEAD OR ALIVE" so he finally was a blip on my radar which only meant he had had some tolerable taste (since i was just as obsessed with PETE myself that year)... who i found out had lived on his very own already just a block and a half from my shit hole and though we never really crossed paths in school much...i faintly remember feel'n like i was bein watched by someone as i made my way thru the gen pop in the cafeteria on any given day
a few months would pass and me...KR (my bff at the time) and BT would
hang out cause'n non destructive chaos when we could with our counter parts Trii and Jaq and though BT started to grow on me...it was only cuz he was work'n on my last nerve...anytime i had said i wanted this or that...he went out and got it (to his credit...he was work'n at the time and i was not) it all came to a screech'n halt when i blew up at him one nite when he showed up with the exact PETE BURNS hair extensions that i told him i wanted but couldn't afford which left him runn'n down the middle of the street back home...
well...unfortunately somethin' had awoken in me and it was at that very point that i knew i had gone a bit too far with my acid tongue and needed to rectify the situation asap!
BUTT...move'n on!
a year later as the leaves would begin to dance in the air...i was no longer
under the restraints of the school yard assholes and airheads since it would finally be my 18th bday and i wanted to completely ferget about the last year of torment and torture i had suffered thru so i decided to drop outta school and shortly after BT asked if i wanted to get a movie one nite to watch at his place however i invited KR as my buffer so i didn't have to suffer thru any more awkwardness...i asked KR to borrow his mom's jalopy and pick up our non mobile asses and drive us to the video store downtown so i wouldn't have to Almira Gulch it all the way
while KR decided to wait outside...me and BT went inside the video store
aimlessly meander'n thru the aisles like narcoleptic zombies...up and down the indoor outdoor carpet pick'n up video's with interest'n covers on them before loose'n interest and return'n them back to their rightful space on the shelf til we had finally reached the end of the store and came across the infamous holy grail double swingers at the very hidden back of the rental shop
we both looked at each other and without say'n a word we both decided
to push our way inside together as if we had just discovered the tomb of the lost souls and though the back room was occupied by only 2 aisles with both sides covered in the filthiest perversions i had ever seen on a plastic VHS coffin...
we both locked eyes like the millennium falcon caught in a tractor beam on the very small section at the very end of the room up against the wall that had about 5 mini shelves of non heterosexual penile propaganda...
and we both ended up agree'n with "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (cuz who doesn't love a good horror dick flick?) starr'n buff blonde bad ass JIM CASSIDY who gets seduced by the powers of voodoo priest BRIAN JOHNSON...a full on interracial facial like i'd never seen before
as BT went to the counter to discretely pay fer our unadulterated purchase
i went outside and jumped in KR's jalopy and practically memorized the floor lay-out plan fer him of the swing doors and all it's contents behind them (he wouldn'tve been able to go inside anyways since he was only 17 at the time) and once BT hopped in the back seat we stopped by the local grocery store in the heat of the nite to get some liquid replenishments and a couple of microwave safe bags contain'n lightly buttered Orville...
what's porn with out popcorn i ask you?
once back at BT's...he had laid out a bean bag from his bedroom atop the
house he was rent'n from fer me and went back to the "kitchen area" of his live'n room and began to pop the Orville as me and KR discussed how pervy we were bein' until i had read on the box that you had to be 18+ to view...
so like any responsible sexually starved merchant i had informed KR that he was to slip on his penny loafers and leave at once cuz he wasn't old enough to view this pervy production and i wasn't about to be held responsible if the porn police some how showed up knock...knock...knock'n on BT's door (well needless to say KR was miffed and didn't talk to me fer like a whole 24 hrs)
and i mean literally fer the next 60 minutes we both sat in our respected
seat...choked on our salted and lightly buttered kernels of pillow corn and watched intensely the plot of this perversion without say'n a word to each other and when it was all over BT invited me to just crash at his place since it was gett'n late...i told him "ummm i can walk home weirdo i just live down the street" he insisted and drug out a pillow and bed sheet fer me to sleep on next to his front window as he adjourned to the bedroom
a few hours later as i fell into a deep REM sleep i had dreamt that i was
slipp'n deep down a slide of slipperiness until i suddenly was awoken to find BT give'n me what i guess most would consider a BJ (my very 1st) so like any sexually awkward teenrager...i figered i hadda do my due diligence until our sky rockets went all over the place and trust me when i say...
after our teenrageness that nite...i needed to turn on the wipers in order to see where the H-E-double hockey sticks i had laid my dignity and dungarees (which once found) i immediately jumped into them without say'n a word and skedaddled my plump A double snakes a block and a half home...
and continued to brush me teeth over and over and over like a power washer at a monster truck rally until i had practically wore off all the enamel on them and even though i always knew i was a tulip sniffer since the tender and very supple age of 5...
flipp'n and pre-dripp'n my days thru the underwear ads of JIM PALMER in the holy bible of fashion at the time (the very massive JC Penny's catalog) back in the early 70's...this was however completely NOT AT ALL what i had envisioned it would be like (the nuns from catholic school years earlier had warned us somethin' would happen as a result from man lay'n down with man and i stupidly believed that this was what she was referr'n to) i knew i was destined to be a pole puffer i just didn't think BT was "THE ONE" (i would have to go back the next nite of course to R-E-A-L-L-Y test this theory...and then again bi-weekly fer the next 4-5 months there after and it turns out...HE WAS)
roughly a year later BT informed me that he would be move'n above a bar
on the east end of town and goin to WSU fer a photography class and wanted me to be his "muse" since i had gone from a raven glamourpuss to a platinum blonde boytoy (it was all soo MARILYN MONROE of me)
at our 1st session i was just an innocent onlicker (i mean looker) wait...no
i don't...we had been doin the hokey pokey and turn'n ourselves around fer months at this junction in the road so i figered this was BT's way of switch'n it up a bit to keep the roller coaster roll'n and not fall'n off the tracks...and i was ready fer the ride...
though it started out with just close head shots and endless hours of sett'n up the damn lights fer that old hollywierd glamour look he was so desperately try'n to achieve...
eventually it was less and less lights and less and less clothes...which seriously did make me nervous at first (hey i hadda think about my future before it even began and what it would do to my all to soon failed career) then i thought...
hey it never hurt MARILYN's career...
MADONNA managed to make it her mantra fer the masses...
ROSEANNE didn't seem to blink an eye about it...
even faith healer TAMMY FAYE tried hopp'n on the bus the best she could (though she didn't quite understand the assignment)
i figered since these were my strongest famous female role models durin'
the 80's that i absofuckinglutely adored and they could do it...two tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it...SO CAN I!
once i went full on birthday suit fer the very 1st time in front of all the
bright lights and fer the happy snappy voyeur behind the camera...all my inhibitions went out the window...that is until BT breathlessly told me after our photo session that he wanted to pop my cherry...somethin' inside my deep seeded religious upbring'n (ok even i'm laugh'n as i type that last statement) all of a sudden i said STOP! do you have any rubbers?
this was the height of the ongoing AIDS crisis after all and unfortunately my spidey senses would deny him entrance even though he asked me numerous times...
i just told my horny Hubble that i wanted to keep the things just the way they were!
roughly 3 months later my world was rocked when BT would ask me to be
the best man at his wedd'n? UMMM WEDD'N? WTF??? i was absolutely shocked and had zero clue he was a teeter totter throat plunger (apparently i was just his sexual experiment) needless to say we drifted sooo far apart after his outlandish request that i had moved to a completely new area code to erase any memory of him
with the birth of FB...20 years later i would get a request outta the far far
far left field from my snappy happy photographer who was still married to the same person and now informed me he had added to his family and was live'n in TX...i was no longer miffed at him since i had had many numerous failed flings since him and told BT it would be cool to meet up if we ever crossed paths again fer cocktails...little did i know (but not surprised) he suggested that we "revisit" the old days once again if we ever happened to be in the same city and he sent me his personal cell number to keep in contact with him
now listen...i'm not one to play judge or jury into anyone's relationship
issues or non issues...however...i canceled my subscription to mine a long time ago and had zero desire to renew it fer another year or more (though secretly who doesn't wish at times that they owned a delorean to do things a lil differently?)
randomly me and BT would have tawdry text'n back and forth fer the next
4/5 years off and on then things just went back to the way it once was after he married which i was just fine with it to be perfectly honest (it was always one sided anyways and i didn't need another reason to get carpal tunnel) about 5 or 6 years or so later i would receive a text from a friend outta the blue recently inform’n me that BT had suddenly passed away...way too soon!
though you spend yer whole life try'na find a sympathetic ex that you can
at the very least be civil enough with fer communicational purposes from time to time until you find another excuse to fill that void...you WILL NEVER forget yer 1st! now GET OFF MY DRESS!
and of course who couldn't ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's
smacked lips...were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip of fish fly fecal matter and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned by my sharp split ends (i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)
i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps ma's gold lamae colored pinto blow-about mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car...to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come
we found somethin' so much more delightful than what we had thought we would EVER stumble upon...
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
