backwoods barbie

ah...labor day...a great time to ferget about think'n about nothin' that you fergot you weren't  think about in the first place

float'n in yer boat to catch that one last STD of the summer...

it's a metaphor you dirty whore...i'm talk'n about a super tasty dogfish

and take'n that one last dip along the lake shore

before ya have to pack away yer bikini bottoms...

and start pack'n on the pounds fer that winter wonderland that lies ahead

of course we all know the history of the great labor day massacre and how it all began...right kittens?...but fer those who are unfamiliar with it's origins of this workless freebie...i'll give ya a ticket to the catch-up train...so hop aboard cuz i'm only gonna tell it to ya once...2 times

it was a terribly terrible bloody blood mess...pierce'n screams

that sounded like 1000's of restless mongolian warlords try'n to do the watusi

sweat pour'n like a monsoon from every open pore available...

nails scratch'n against metal like Freddrick Krueger... 

ready fer a feed'n fest

the roast beef curtains flew open...and down the fallopian slide arrived

thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

or somethin' like that...hey you don't like my version...

make like Michael and BEAT IT!

so my very dear hair repair doctoress from back in the day...

we'll call her K  to keep her anonimity private

and her equally homolessly active bf T's right arm

and their uncontrollably mangy eyesore of a mut named...

Mr. Puss

decided to kidnap me durin' this non decorated holiday fer an out-of-town excursion...into no-man-of-mine's land...to their cabin 2 hrs outta my safe place into northern MN...and since i didn't wanna sit home and count the countless unreturned texts from my ungrateful stalker...i said...SURE!

so off we went...and instead of borin' you with somethin' you could care less about since you weren't there...i'll just give you the unsalted highlights

we arrived before the attack of the outta-town rush hour was about to hit the fan...and as we drove into the drive away of this modestly humble cabin

you call THIS a CABIN?...ya right...it's the f*ck'n South Fork of cabin's...

i was wait'n fer Sue Ellen to walk out any minute and served us freshly chilled lemonade

turns out...it belonged to their non heterosexual neighbors

we 3 were all bunk'n in this shit shack...i mean...quaint lil shit shack

i found my center zen and stuck with it...it was after all a free vacation from the bright lights and loud noises that i have so comed to love fer the past 22 years fer peace and quiet...and i would eventually learn to love peace and quiet that is actually quiet peaceful!

from the outside it looked a bit cramped...but as the front door opened

i could see we had enough leg room to move about

the air was fresh and clean...blow'n off the tranquil lake waters

like an early morn'n kiss from mother nature's lips

all was calm and peaceful...not a care in the world...and really...i didn't care about nutt'n or nothin'...which was a good change...fer a change

i was out on their snappy speed boat one afternoon...when it was 80 out

after i slipped into my bathin' suit of course (who knew we'd see moose toe)

lounge'n in nothing but my birthday suit...sun block and cocktail nearby

and YES...sorry i couldn't get Herb Ritts to capture this moment...but he's dead kittens...i only have a dinosaur flip phone to capture these mellow moments of my life...deal with it!



all was well...that is until day #2...when Mr. Puss...who apparently was given some hallucinogenic drugs in his puppy chow by these 2 lovely kidnappers 

cuz he thought he was a bubble bee...buzz'n around the lake try'n to pollinate with those poor defenslessly loveable himalayan dogfish that i was so desperately try'n not to disturb...in their natural habitat

well…my duration of my backwoods vacation was a true gem fer the most part…and of course my excursion wouldn’t be complete without the follow’n accessories…1 umbrella...1 bottle of 1000 unscientifically unproven sun block fer the boat ride and and 1 non think'n think'n cap that i borrowed

I felt like Jane Seymour in “somewhere in time”...but without the Christopher Reeve moments

the bars alone were there own seperate experience at nite...with one crypt keeper bartender even give'n me the "wonkie eye" one nite...yaaaaa right!

come up fer air diver dan...i moved outta desperadoville a looong time ago!

but as day turned to nite...and nite into dazed...by day 4...I had hit my threshold of booze…bugs and bad hygiene afternoons

T tells me at 8 am on the 5th day that morn’n…we’d have to stick around til around 5pm fer the installers to install their central air unit

remember when a trip to the woods was just a simple place to lay down at nite... 

and bein' watched by some psycho along the shore line was acceptable?

OH NO! not fer these 2

I of course said nothing …since I was along fer the free ride...but i was ready to install my own unit into someone's central location 

you know what i'm talk'n about...dont'cha kitten?

alas...there would be no Bobby wait'n fer me in the shower

 if my head could speak...i would be convicted of accimental homicide

but there would be no "who shot JR" moment

and it really didn't have anything to do with K or T's hospitality...cuz they were the perfect host's....while they gorged on a lavish feast of...

imported meats...a pleathra of exotic fruits and vegetables...freshly hand picked by peruvian whistle children...and carefully sipped wines from around the world...

they served me a beautiful assortment of leftovers in a simple carry'n case

from Ancient Chincese Chicken Shack down the road and a simple mint leaf float'n in my glass of unimportant water

i just had too much on my mind gett'n ready fer a HUGE surprise i'm host'n very soon kittens...i can't reveal much yet...all i can say fer now is it'll...

"make you feel like a queen on a throne"

luckily...T just wanted to see my reaction…it'd only be a few hours…

and thank CHER we did stick around!  

cuz 1 of the 3 stooges that came to the cabin that morn'n to install the central frigid air unit...i swear just stepped outta some boom chickie wow wow adult educational fornicational flick...i no longer cared if i ever returned

he was a total backwoods bumpkin with a gluteus maximus that looked like 2 of the most perfectly round scoops of mint chocolate ice cream

(hey i just bought that reference last nite at the store...deal with it!)

i of course was buzz'n around like some love starved homo hummin' bird

ready to ruffle my feathers any way i possibly could

i...as the author...will leave you with yer dirty dirty lil imagination as to what happened next...and let you finish the story as you see fit!

would i ever gone outta town with these 2 non homosexuals again?

H E and add in a couple of hockey sticks YES!!..i always enjoy hang'n with these 2...but on much smaller time frame and after they figer out a way to move the gravitational pull of the ultraviolet rays away from my milky white skin fer an extended period of time so i don't have to put on my bathin' suit again...(it's so hard to be me...isn't it kittens?)

even though i might be some backwoods barbie...

who's no fan of bar bee q's and buck toothed patrons...at the very least...the backwoods bumkin...at least...i will always love you...in a non loveable way

so big thanx to K&T..fer the R&R...even if i didn't get any C&A

now get off my dress!