so it had been 3 years since my last bite outta the BIG APPLE...and trust me...i was gett'n hungry!
i'd been chatt'n with this guy Jackson fer the better part of 2 years
no...not this one...i don't play with my ouiga board...anymore!
it would be random calls or texts from time to time...
play'n out like a game of ping pong of who's gonna visit who 1st
well i knew in my mind...i was gonna make the 1st move...since i always do...
cuz most "close encounters" i've encountered over the years...are waaay to passive to keep me interested
plus i hadda wait til my piggy bank was ready to be butchered before i could go anywhere
so flash forward to a couple a weeks back...
when i was book'n my broomstick ride to the BIG APPLE
as always...i end up gett'n booked in the back of the plane...
this time next to some ancient chinese secret not in the right place...
and it was no SECRET...she wasn't BFF's with Mr. RIGHT GAURD either!
to my surprise...the jewardess on duty that day...
offered to bump my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist ass up to 1st class accommodations...i mean WHY NOT!
so i gave up my seat to madaam butterfly and scooted my A double snakes to where they ought to be! after all...i
as i made my way to the heaven's gates of the airplane...
i was greeted at the gates by some ape with an attitude who informed me i had to sit right behind 1st class...i was sooo close to 1st class fer the 1st time in my life...i could almost taste the ample leg room and complimentary cocktails
a mutual stalker i barely know just happened to be enjoy'n the Robin Leechness of sitt'n in 1st class...and he spoke with the ape about bump'n me up 2 seats to his palatial arena
i mean come on!...we're about 10,000 feet in the air...it's not like anyone else was gonna come'n aboard anytime soon to buy the damn seat...
but ya know what...i get it...it's yer job...but maybe if some were just a lil bit more pleasant about deny'n access to "heaven" to a pay'n passenger...
after they were already granted a pass from another co-worker...Richard Reed would'a never tossed an attitude...i'm just say'n!
a minute later...the ape had summoned me to the very front of the plane...
and gave me a screwdriver
(though i'd rather have the driver to screw...hey...this is my story!)
then he flipped over the sands of time and said i only had 20 minutes left to live in the lap of luxury...then i would have to be banished back to bein' folded up like a suitcase
as i was chatt'n with my friendly stalker about mindless babble..we were rudely interruppted by some happy hour homo behind us...
look'n to feel important...or at the very least...tell his possee back home he gotta shoot the shit with thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illisionist of her own universe...i mean really...who wouldn't?
anyways...where was i?...oh yea...
so the bottle of Gin Mary behind us...consumed our space fer the next 20 minutes...which was fine...he was entertain'n the small masses of 4 in 1st class...make'n a complete ass outta himself...then suddenly...i hadda reliquish my throne (i didn't think ape was bein' serious) but why rock the boat...so back to my seat i went (which was seriously 2 seats away) and watched from afar...but at least i wasn't back in nose bleed city!
it was like a booze ballet...as Gin Mary leaped from seat to seat not so effortlessly...make'n friends the old fashion way...by force'n his drunk ass upon them...
the ladies and my stalker didn't seem to mind...that much...and it helped roll out this blog actually...but all i wanted to do was land at JFK and get my vaca on that i so desperately wanted and very much deserved
an hour later...as the booze ballet was gett'n it's final curtain call...i heard the muffled sounds of the cockpit inform'n everyone to get their trays in an upright position as we were gett'n ready to land into Laguardia (LGA)...
and though everyone else had followed instructions to a tee....
Gin Mary decided to do one more encore plie'...until the ape scolded him
but then it hit me...apparently...my dyslexia kicked into overdrive
LGA?...OMG!...WTF?...not JFK?
i had told Jackson i would be land'n at JFK and to meet me out there...so i scrambled to get my dino cell phone turned on immediately and tell him to...
well...by the time i had deplaned and walked outside of gate 2...Jackson said he was already wait'n fer me at gate 8....OOPS!
mother nature was not cooperate'n either...as it was already over 90 degrees...with humidity as thick as H-E-double hockey sticks out...and needless to say...he was not a happy camper...but what ya gonna do right? (apparently LGA and JFK aren't next door neighbors...who knew?)
i told him i'd meet at him Grand Central...as i was search'n fer the train to GC...i was summoned by my stalker to help him babysit Gin Mary...who was now ready to book a room at the drunk tank hotel!
can you believe ALL this happened to me...BEFORE i got my vaca started? (well you'd have to be pretty stupid since i already told you it did...blow by blow...and unfortunately...i wasn't even a recipient of one yet) on the good side...this was like a prize at the bottom of my cracker jacks box...i had an even bigger blog story unfold'n before my eyes!
oh H-E-double hockey sticks no!...let the drunk fucker sleep it off with the rest of booze town i said...i'm off the clock...but then i folded as they promised me a car service to GC with them...
and who can't resist bein' carted around in style...so i broke down and played his other crutch thru the airport...and the fun never stopped!
and don't you hate when this happens...TO ME?
as we walked thru LGA hell...Gin Mary stumbled and fumbled his pirouette's thru-out the airport...gett'n anyone in his way...to pay attention to HIM...(a spotlight i am not accustomed to)...until he decided to take an intermission...
and "empty his tank" in the drink'n fountain...but i guess in NY it's just another day...as no one paid any attention
by the time we had reached the car service...which seemed like an eternity...there would be no white gloved servant open'n the doors...
it turned out to be just a fuck'n orange cabbie...but what'dya gonna do?...it was a free ride...and i hadn't had one of those in a long time!
so as we all piled into the part time slovakian vendors orange pinto blow-about mobile...off we went to the bright lights of the BIG APPLE...and of course Gin Mary went from drunken ballet dancer to mr.octopussy...with his tentacles try'n to latch onto any part of my anatomy
a short 30 minute ride later...i bid a hastily "au revior"
to my stalker and the in flight entertainment
and waited patiently outside GC...and with only $34 in my purse...
i started feel'n like Madonna on her first trip to the BIG APPLE...minus of course...all the ambition and will power to make it on my own...so i waited nervously patient fer further instructions from Jackson as to my next assignment
tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock...hmmm...no text
as the heat climbed...so did my anxiety...did my dyslexia with the airport's 3 letter abbreviations...ruin a 2 year connection?
i have never been a fan of wait'n fer anyone...PERIOD!...and of course..my mind immediately thinks the complete worse thing has happened...
or worse yet...he was just a figment of my outrageous imagination...and i never really chatted to anyone but myself fer the better part of 2 years...
i'm think'n...hey...is schizophrenia the new black?
wait...did i just say that? HA!
hey this is how my mind works...when i'm not think'n about myself!
FINALLY...after like 37 minutes (i'm guesstimate'n here) he called to say he was in the subway and had no way of send'n my directions to his apt...
and that he was terminally ill after spend'n half the morn'n head'n to a terminal that he didn't need to be at...i tried to convince him to meet me outside GC...but it wasn't happen'n...so he texted me with further instructions to his addy and told me to take a cab there and if i chose this mission and he wasn't home by the time he arrived...i was to wait fer him at the pizza joint next to his place...and wait fer a guy with a glass eye and a peg leg humm'n "like a bridge over troubled water"
(ok i might'a embellished that last part a bit...but i'm tell'n the story!)
do i make it to the pizza joint in one piece?
does the man with the glass eye and peg leg hum the wrong song?
can i pull a squirrel outta my hat and make things better with Jackson?
find out next week..in the excite'n conclusion of "the BIG ROTTEN APPLE"
now get off my dress
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