page'n dr. quack

so there i was...shoot'n the shit with my best friend's mom...

as old man winter decided to bitch slap us with 8 more inches 

(and i ain't talk'n about the neighbor down the street...this time) 

decide'n if ambrosia salad tastes better with coconut flakes or mini marshmallows...

whether or not Miley was gonna have a meltdown and shave off her muffin on stage as some sorta "art" instillation piece...

and if Justin Beiber would ever run fer prezzie once his musical career ended in 2029...ya know...just stuff ya talk about when you're done with the proverbial BS chatter

when all of a sudden the conversation segued into that annoy'n weezy cough i'd had since last november and  she informed me to go in and get it checked out cuz it might be mold in my lungs...since i am live'n in the shithole Lavern and Shirley apt in the Wedge area of the Minne-Apple...

to which she says if ya do...means BIG BUCKS!!

the next day i headed to the local doc's office...

to get my complimentary anal exam lungs checked out from the crypt keeper on staff...who looked like he'd rather be eat'n a bowl of enema's and watch'n a Matlock marathon than deal with my issues...

so he made me unbutton my blouse and huff and puff a couple of times...but as i huffed and puffed...i knew i was in no shape to blow anyone's house...mind or anything else down fer that matter...so he sent me down fer my very own glamourshots session of my inner'ds to see what was goin on

as i took that long walk down to the x-ray room...

i was greeted by none other than some Doogie fuck'n Howser MD...i shit you not...again bein' asked to remove my blouse...i might add...without even offer'n to get me a cocktail first...so as he put down his color'n book and was asked to huff and puff and hold it in as he snapped me fer my close-ups...then sent me back upstairs

as i waited in the upstairs lobby to hear my name bein' called outta the corral of other impatient patients...i thought i'd search on line fer the closest CANDY CRUSH ANONYMOUS meet'n in the neighborhood...since i couldn't get past level 16 fer the past 3 weeks and was gett'n extremely annoyed...
thanx to my current failure

i could'a ripped the head off a over grown illegitimate asswipe Betsy Wetsy doll

finally...my name is called and was led back to the doc's orafice...

and told to have a seat...hmmm...this never sounds good when yer TOLD to have a seat...

well unless of course...yer deal'n with a hot dominant verbal top...BUTT...such was not the case

as i sat wait'n fer the inevitable news...i thought...hmmm...

could this be thee adverse side effects from bein' a governmental drug bunny back in my early 20's finally catch'n up with me...or perhaps i took too much antacid in the 90's...i didn't know

the crypt keeper kept silent fer a few seconds...

i thought...ummm...can ya puhleez do yer nom-yo-ho-ho-ren-geng-ki-o another time?...then i thought...OH GREAT!...why wasn't i on the P-I-L-L?...then i remembered...oh yea...i hadn't taken a hot poker up the jaxie in the past 9 months to warrant that alarm...so what could it be?

well...apparently this doc had gotten his degree from the bottom of some cracker jax box...cuz when my x-rays finally showed up on screen he asked me... 

"what do you see?"

he did not just ask me...what did I SEE?

ummm...thing is doc...i'm a beauty school drop-out...work'n in a bank...with a master's degree in detect'n bullshit...and come to think of it...what i don't see...is any of those fancy schmancy glorified framed pieces of paper in yer lil orafice here...so why don't ya fake it like yer wife's orgasms and quit play'n 20 ?'s with me...make'n me take off my blouse with out the sacrificial cocktail and just tell me what i'm suppose to see or not see...OK?

well...he said everything looked good and prescribed me my meds...

and told me to come back in a couple of weeks if the cough hasn't gone away and he'd consult with a specialist

the experience just left me sorta unsure...even though i was insured...

so i just paid fer my pills and scampered home to a "BREAKING BAD" marathon...and not that i'm one to promote the use of any sorta of narcotic...and apparently i'm 5 years behind the times...i get it meth heads...I'M HOOKED!

by morn'n...i had reread the instructions...

on my bottle of destruction that this "pill" was suppose to do fer my cough...but somethin' inside me said wait til ya get to work and look up the side effects...and thank CHER i did!

the governmental drug of choice you ask?

it was prednisone...used fer a merried of problems...with a handful of adverse side effects...the most common one bein' of MOON FACE from what i read and heard from past users of this medication

needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...

so i decided to get a 2nd...more reputable opinion!

after consult'n with the stars...i decided to throw caution to the wind and break the meds in half and see what happens...but if i come outta this...

look'n like some bloated beauty queen unable to slip into my Gloria Vanderbilts any longer...there will be H-E-double hockey stix to pay...guarenteed

now get off my dress!