it's all goin down south

sorry about bein a day late...but it was presidents day after all...

so i did my bast way to honor the ol' bastards

with the award season already in full swing...

i figured it was time to dust off my hernia heels and febreeze my regret in a simple full length blood clot table runner by Issey Miyake...made from 100% pure silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children...notice how the barely exisitant waistline exposes my ample and perky A double snakes

 hey M ain't the only one who can pull it of...you got it...YOU FLAUNT IT!

and since i'm on the subject of M...

though her music has had a bit of an incontinence issue a couple of months back just cuz of some fucktard decided he would rather not pay fer 3 square meals and rent on his own...M blew the competition outta the water at the GRAMMY's last week with that exit!

with the globes over and the 87th annual oscars right around the corner...

i figered it was time to honor those worthy of a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win...and WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the members of ISIS

 the limo's are pull'n up...so let's see who's made the cut this year...

of course leave it to Kanye to make an A double snake of himself...

is anyone surprised really these days?...i'd like to say i'm surprised...

but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore...his baloney has a first name...and it's Kim...hello...mr. narcissist spotlight hog...there's a room all ready fer ya in desperadoville fer you and that Kankersoreus cling'n on to the spotlight

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford

and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer rush'n the stage during BECK's much deserved grammy win...sit yer ass down fool!

wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?

yer so cute and pokeable

wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those yugoslavian children do such 

impeccable work...dont'cha think?...there...now i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?...you'll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?

oops...my bad...it's  presimental winn'n loser Mike Huckabee...

UGH!...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board...and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...the show's about to begin

welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards

tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia...

cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!

let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n

Kim Kankersaurus...
oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to ya kittens...over exposure is not a good thing...oh well...move'n on

and the nominees are :

Floridian republicant senator Marco Rubio...

that i'll even admit under the right mood light'n...is somewhat sorta kinda hot...

 in a Jamie Brewer kinda way...but with alot less brain cells...and no hope fer the Florida's future

fer waste'n time and tax payers benjamins on a very insanely lost battle

hello?...Marco! Polo!...heed some simple advice from Jon Stewart

judges in the greatest banjo bang'n state of cross breed'n...

fer defy'n the law set up by them thar damn yankees in them thar black table clothes... 

eternally constipated chief justice A double snake hole Roy Moore fer not allow'n ANY ALABAMMERS with a chromo-homo-zone the right to marry...even if it's to yer own kin folk

just a hop...skip and moon shine still away...

past thee ol oak tree up on holler crick ridge in Arkansas...where they believe "hangman" is now the politically correct term to use instead of "lynch'n"...to get away from all those unconscionable stereo types of the yester years...by fire'n ya based on yer usage of base...lip gloss and eyeliner

those bed sheet boogie men clowns from Mississippi..

fer gitt'n their testicles in a twist over the equality law passed in their neighbors yard...but really was there EVER a time that they weren't absolute fucktards?

hmmm...politicians and the lack of a good dental plan seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year...oh well what'dya do?...on with the show kittens...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

Mike Huckleberry Finn...fer his real reason'n why non-heterosexuals should not marry

WOW...you must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...

you make Deputy Cletus seem like a reliable presidential candidate!

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on kittens...it's fine to have one...it's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public

and start wave'n it around like some light saber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that don't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their skanky bitches...

take these words of wisdom from the all mighty incontinent crypt keeper himself

and just let it go!

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n

then you should take another guess...

cuz if you think that yer unscathable...

well then...you betta get off my dress!