you can make a glow'n headdress look like you spent a million bux on it (with only 5 actual benjamins) by purchase'n 10 feet of fiber optic tube'n and a can of spray glitter glue from yer local craft store...just make sure not to store it in a hot steamy closet without ventilation dur'in the summer months in MN cuz of the high humidity...
or it'll melt into some sorta unrecognizable science project and ruin yer fav-o-rit pair of A-double snake hugg'n acid wash girbauds that you've been carry'n around with you fer the better part of 10+ years...just cuz yer hope'n you can squeeze yer very plump and supple A-double snakes back into em some day (true story)
in case yer a late comer (of which i am not privy too) catch up here kittens
and now the excite'n conclusion to "thanx fer CHER'n" pt 2
as i was gett'n ready to leave the RITZ that nite...i was stopped by
a presence that i hadn't felt from my forcefulness in some time...this guy just sitt'n outside enjoy'n a chilled glass of "give it to me" with the floral bouquets from the urine soaked streets of Hell's Kitchen permeate'n the air...completely stopp'n me in my very tracks once we made visual contact and said gentleman caller started chatt'n me up...H-E-L-L-O!...why not!
OH OH OH...no..WAIT a CHER fuck'n minute...i'm gett'n a head of myself
(and i don't even know the 1st thing about auto felicito...though seriously...i'm about ready to sign up fer some seminar somewhere...so anybody out there read'n this...send me yer thoughts) before i move on with this never end'n sordid life of mine...i gotta tell you about how i met STEVIE FUCK'N NICKS at the RITZ...well...it wasn't the actual real STEVIE NICKS...it was more like some fabulous impersonational reflection...but they actually sang her live at the "a nite of a 1000 STEVIE'S"...i was introduced to fellow performer by Dr Octopus earlier...and though he was a dash of stand-offish at 1st impression i thought...(well...to be fair...i WAS under the influence of jim beam or johnny walker...i can't remember)
(as most are when they are in the presence of an unintentionally internationally perform'n illusionist of their own universe...it's the name of the game i've had to relish in my entire dimly lit career)...she impressed the fuck outta me by gett'n me killer seats to "the CHER SHOW" in seconds on my cell...so i will be ferever grateful fer his kind gesture (plus...he hadda certain jena se quois about her i couldn't shake) so anywho'zill'ding...back to the presence outside
the rain had somewhat subsided...so i decided to pop a squat and shoot
the shit with my newly adopted AA partner in crime as Dr Octopus decided he'd had enough fer the even'n...and after a few medicinal cocktails...turns out my new partner was a stylist to the stars...most notably...Miss Wind Machine...excuse me...i mean MARIAH SCAREY...among many many others...i was completely transfixed on his sordid stories and felt so dirty on all the titillation he was serve'n up...like an STD on any give'n hook-up site...
a few hours later we ended up chatt'n biz chatter over more tasty cocktails and over priced munchies at some tasty restaurant around the corner...where we met a lovely aussie fam complete with child...on a mini vaca from the land down unda
as the clock struck past my prime hour...it was time to start count'n sheep
so he gave me his cell number...his work number...his email...his undergarment size...his next of kin and a sperm sample and we said we'd stay in touch...since we decided to collab on a secret project togetha (that DIDN'T involve the exchange of bodily fluids...you pervie) and i meant it!
by morn'n...i was pissed...well cuz mother nature decided to piss on my
parade with a non stop down pour all morn'n...and i was in no mood to become more a puddle than i already was...at least i had "the CHER SHOW" to look forward to later on that afternoon before my former vice prezident of my fan club would make his way from Montauk to meet me after the show
after 3 hours held up in my sweet suite on the 5th floor over look'n the
soulvaki vendor from down below...i decided to pull up my britches and stop bitch'n about the rain...as clearly mother nature wanted to continue to fuck with me fer the entire day...so i ventured out to locate the theater i'd be occupy'n later...and luckily fer me...turns out it was only 5 simple blocks away
mother nature decided to take a lil siesta...thank CHER...so i popped into
a quaint lil hospital that just happened to be adjacent to the theater...and i thought i'd fill out a couple of my much needed prescriptions before all the madness would begin
2 hours later...and 40 minutes stand'n in line while mother nature decided
once again to empty her fuck'n bladder all over the anxious crowd gather'n around the theater doors...then BAMMM!!...the doors finally opened up like a hooker on holiday and i was inside wait'n patiently fer the house lights to go down in my kick ass seats (10th row a lil off center...fer half the cost) that "STEVIE" had gotten me from the nite before
i don't wanna spoil it fer ANYONE plann'n on make'n their way to the BIG
APPLE to see it...cuz even if yer not a CHER fan (and why wouldn't you be anyways bitter betty) this is one show NOT TO BE MISSED seriously!...the costumes...the drama...the music...when the world ends...it is completely true what they say...that the only things left will be cockroaches and CHER...she has survived sooo much...suffice it to say...
i was left completely and absofuckinglutely BLOWN AWAY by thee entire cast...(and fer once...it's cuz of the cast AND NOT by someone stowed away under my chair kittens)
though i could'a done without the damn fossils ferment'n in ben-gay sitt'n to my right...that kept chomp'n on a bag of cool ranch dorito's like a couple of damn rude schizophrenic chipmunks who'd never seen a broadway production in their entire fuck'n life...luckily by act 2 their oxygen tank needed to be recharged or somethin like that...so i was no longer tempted to punch em in the throat and sell their pearly whites to the highest bidder on ebay!
an hour later i'd meet up with my former vice prezident...but not before
popp'n in next door once again to replenish my medicinal drip and rave to the doc behind the counter about how much i absofuckinglutely loved the show and slamm'n down a couple more cast'n call cocktails
never mind the rest of the shenanigans that happened fer the remainder
of my mini vaca kittens...i'll just leave you with this...don't ever try and fool mother nature!
though...mother nature never stopped piss'n on my parade the rest of my
vaca...i was a bit grateful fer her showers...cuz hours before i hadda head to the airport...me and my co-pilot gotta full service send-off from this gentle and completely grrrrranimalistic gigantic hot tamale @ POSH BAR & LOUNGE on 405 w 51st st in Hell's Kitchen (pop on by if yer in his
'hood...tell em Krystal sent ya)...who seriously had me reconsider'n an offer to switch my flight til the next day...BUTT alas...
(and trust me when i say...he had THAT...and a HELLUVA LOT MORE)
unfortunately i just left with a terrible terrible tooth ache...cuz her was just sooo super sweet!
(if yer begg'n fer more...and wanna go south of his border visually speak'n of course...& i know some of you pervie's out there are just die'n to...you can follow him on instagram @ sanpedronyc)
of course thee above mentioned vaca was to prep myself fer the 4th fab
farewell installment of CHER's "HERE WE GO AGAIN TOUR" that i would attend a week later...and just like the last 3 farewells tours...i was on a magical trip down memory lane once again...
BUTT...once again...
i would get stuck sitt'n behind another damn headache...this time by some screetch'n ovulate'n owl past her expiration date thee entire damn concert...it could just be that cuz i'm in my prime time of my dimly lit career...that i no longer appreciate a rusty rake bang'n against my ear drums fer 2 straight hours like i used to at past live events...but i'm here to tell you one thing when sitt'n in the nose bleed section...CHER DOES NOT CARE WAY UP THERE!...she already has yer coins...that's enough!
plus have'n to spend $15 on a pretzel shaped teethin' ring made from an old leather couch that Greg Almond left behind on Cher's tour bus from their time together...sprinkled in chunks from a salt lick & a frozen dixie cup of urinal cake flavored lemonade didn't help me out one bit!
though in the end...CHER was there fer me from the very beginn'n & i'll be ferever grateful fer her connection to my dad
now get off my dress!
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