SARAH problem?...NOPE!

can you believe it kittens?...it's been almost exactly 30 years to the day 

(and 4 months actually) that i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...stood in line with my BFF (at the time) fer the midnight show'n of WARREN BEATTY's colorfully crimed cartoon caper brought to life on the big screen "DICK TRACY" where i would recieve a free DICK tee as a promotional appetizer while wait'n for the movie to begin...

only to have it shredded into kitty confetti by a friends cat 2 days later..

BUTT...in every therapy session...

i'm one step closer to become'n whole again and forgett'n that i always wanted somethin' i never really cared to possess!

with the most hallowed of evil days slowly creep'n upon us...and no i don't 

mean the upcome'n election...that in itself is a creepfest i don't even wanna fuck with (well not this week anyways) no...if yer look'n fer somethin' to sink yer yellow stained veneered fangs into this wicked season...i can't stress ENOUGH to binge on the next doom and gloom psychological installment in the RYAN MURPHY universe

served as a sadistic spinoff prequel to the 1975 mentally disturbed master

piece..."ONE FLEW OVER THE CUKOO'S NEST" starr'n JACK NICHOLSON ..."RATCHED" finally sees AHS alumni SARAH PAULSON where she belongs...front and center as the perfectly polished...brilliantly cunn'n...

impeccably dressed...quintessential NURSE MILDRED RATCHED who convincingly slithers her way into a position at the Lucia State Mental Asylum to help her adopted foster brother escape after bein’ commited for murder

play'n MILDRED's mentally incarcerated brother is another of AHS alumni

and my personal fav-o-rit "happy place" hero...FINN WITTROCK as EDMUND TOLLESON

the steel blued eyed beefcaked...sexually frustrated murderous mancake...who desperately wants someone to play pattycake with his throat plunger and FINN fits the part to absolute purrrfucktion!

the head nurse of Lucia Hospital...NURSE BETTY BUCKET...as the

dastardly devious...hard nosed yet hopelessly romantic spinster...played by the brilliant JUDY DAVIS...who i personally would like to see...at the very least...get a support'n nod at next years emmy's fer her portrayal 

(just throw'n it out there academy)

the colorfully majestic scenery and RYAN's impeccable attention to detail...from wardrobe to locations to the cinematography...is an absolute gorgeous smorgasbord fer the eyes...filmed along the oceanside in beautiful unincorporated Lucia...Big Sur and Calabasas California with the actual asylum interior built on some back lot

you can even rent a room at the beautiful cliffside motel...the Sealight Inn...built in the 1930’s...though this ain’t no typical Motel 6 to take yer Adam4Adam.com hook-up to cuz it’ll cost you a pretty penny anywhere from $225 to $375 a nite

the biggest surprise...that if you haven't yet binged RATCHED at this point

then i implore you to STOP read'n IMMEDIATELY and go wash yer nana's precious chatchki's or somethin' cuz i ain’t stopp’n

golden globe and emmy award winner with many many many other nods

fer her act'n abilities in countless films to her name...screen siren SHARON STONE pulls up the plot lines by her support hose by brilliantly support'n the latest dark MURPHY franchise with her act'n chops and trust me...SHE DOES NOT disappoint...follow'n in the foot steps of other A-listed dynamic dames...

 like JESSICA LANGE...KATHY BATES and ANGELA BASSET

SHARON stars as eccentric monkey love'n mother LENORE OSGOOD 

 who's spoiled son has had an unfortunate operation render'n him useless and completely dependent on his mother who also has as many family secrets as she does diamonds...SHARON looks absolutely "breathless" of course...so how could one not wonder who the make-up and hair was inspired by fer this role...

i mean...do the math kittens...that's all i ask

SEX AND THE CITY star CYNTHIA NIXON plays the very determined

GWENDOLYN BRIGGS...campaign manager and press secretary to the governor who makes the asylum the cornerstone of the governors re-election campaign

along with ROSANNA ARQUETTE who is no longer “DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN” but instead NIXON’s affection (though technically i don’t believe the act of lesbianism was invented yet durin’ this time frame so do yer own research fer clarification kitten) plays the sympathetic caseworker who fudges the paperwork to look like RATCHED and EDMUND were biological sibs so they could stay together

with a dazzle'n accomplished ensemble cast and 2nd season already

 ordered fer this psychological thriller series...one can only anticipate more twists and turns are to follow and i fer one can't wait to go along fer the ride!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

HANNIBALS & GRRRANIMALS

i think it was Miss Stevens who said it best in 1965 with her sultry purrr

teach me tiger...i would kiss you...wa...wa...wa...wah

show me tiger...i would kiss you...wa...wa...wa...wah

take my lips...they belong to you

but teach me first...then...teach me what to do!

known as the more subservient pussy cat of the jungle...the tiger has had 

it's fair share of the spotlight thru-out the ages...fer instance...as the flamboyantly limp wristed butt buddy of the whimsical bear Winnie...TIGGER always flounced and bounced his way thru Poohville...tip toe'n thru the tulips by the end of his tail

another famous ferocious feline from the forest was He-man's personal 

uber from the Masters of the Universe galaxy...BATTLE CAT...who was the mild mannered cowardly Cringer by day...with his deep emerald fur and cascade'n marigold stripes...this was one puss you didn't wanna piss off when her claws came out to fight

with his overly jovial presence in every bowl of frosted flakes...proclaim'n 

therrrrrrrre GRRRRRRREAAAAAT!...TONY THE TIGER was every child's coolest cat to start the day off right...with just a simple cherry colored kerchief wrapped around his thick neck as his only accessory to accent his cheeto colored fur while point'n towards the sky shout'n out his corporate mind numb'm slogan...the S&M community knew exactly what code Tony was try'na sell to his kinky frosted followers (google it kittens) it's absolutely frighten'n when i found out what it exactly means

BUTT...there's another 

with the CO-VID 19 runn'n rampant thru-out the unisver as i currently type 

i thought i'd try and calm my frazzled nerves from all those long lonely days & nites i've spent alone fer the past 10 days...incarcerated in my 2 room shit box (i mean my quaint lil 2 room shit box) that's made me feel like a trapped schizophrenic gerbil...by find'n somethin' to occupy my queerless quarantine along with my mind...then literally just at that very moment i received a frantic text from a friend suggest'n that i immediately check out the latest MUST SEE mini series on Netflix

i figered...why the H-E-double hockey stix not...i needed to take a break

from edit'n the neighbor's debut on PORNHUB after i had secretly replaced my binoculars with a zoom lens just the nite before...so i sauteed some styrofoam chips on a bed of grilled card board cut-outs and lightly sprinkled 'em with papaya sea salts & decided to grab my Blanche Devereaux tiki glass from the collection that Peetrinella will surely pick up fer my 50th this fall by click'n here (hurry...supplies are limited) and filled it to the rim with sparkling clean ice cold "himalayan mountain" water

 

don't worry...i don't use that blue rinse in my tidy bowl anymore kittens!

i was not expect'n the experience i would be privy to...but was pleasantly 

pleased at the trailer park train wreck i was witness'n from the moment i pressed play...it was like heroin...i couldn't stop til there was nothing left...but it kept me desperately want'n more...starr'n root'n toot'n redneck'n bleach blonde bi-level'd prince albert'd mid life crisis and Mr. Zuba 1998 thru 2017...the one and only TIGER KING...JOE EXOTIC...owner of G.W. ZOO in Wynnewood Oklahoma

and his diabolical arch nemesis...the cunning lioness...with the killer...ummm...golden locks...CAROL BASKIN...owner of the BIG CAT RESCUE...a sanctuary fer battered and neglected big cats...located near Tamps FL

now...since the show is still fairly new...and we still got roughly about 2 to  

3 ill fated months ahead of us with this deadly invisible apocalypse bullshit (hopefully no more than that) so i won't give away ANY spoilers in this batshit crazy series to those that have not yet seen it...but i never want this trailer park car crash to end...do you understand me? so there for...i will be send'n this blog in a letter form via the pigeon messenger service to creator of thee best serial killer series on tv today...Ryan Murphy

who desperately needs to fulfill my deathbed wish if i should happen not to make it thru all this crap alive...i've already took it upon myself to cast the cast from previous seasons to keep the continuity flow'n (cuz ya don't need a call from the actor's union reps) and to have the season showcased exactly how i intended it to be viewed by the viewers

 (FYI...i'm sorry but this is non negotiable Ryan)

DYLAN MCDERMOTT of course would return to play the lead JOE EXOTIC (since they closed down his online "pay per view" performances...after that unfortunate "itchy outbreak" he experienced by himself a few months back...or so i heard ) he's sooo grrranimal already...obviously it's like a total no brainer...besides...ya don't wanna piss off yer picky pansies that tuned in fer the last 9 seasons

and no one would kill it more than FRANCIS CONROY portray'n cat lover CAROL BASKIN...enough said!

anyone read'n this that hasn't yet watched the series...LEAVE NOW!

cuz i have to reveal the rest of the crackhead castaways...so don't go call'n yer senators or moan'n to yer mayor about it if you didn't...cuz you've been warned...with that said...Joe's 3 husbands...YES...and did i happen to mention...they're all "straight" (yea...but really...so is a noodle...til ya cook it and that's a fact jack!) hubby #1 JOHN FINLAY...hubby #2 TRAVIS MALDONADO & hubby #3 DILLON PASSAGE

in order from above...JOHN shall be played by hot toddy EVAN PETERS cuz he deserves the most air time if i'm bein' honest here...TRAVIS will go to FINN WITTROCK cuz i am confident he can kill his portrayal...and DILLON will be portrayed by GLEE alumni DARREN CRISS
(grrrrrrr...am i right kittens?) 

reality producer and professional crack smoker since his days at INSIDE EDITION (a lil birdy tells me) RICK KIRKHAM is almost the perfect doppelganger fer DENIS O'HARE

store owner and FBI informant...JAMES GARRETSON...is the role absolutely made fer the impeccably perfectionist KATHY BATES (hey...we gotta cater to the gender fluid crowd so they don't start another damn protest parade)

zoo keeper and Miss DumbShit Amputee 2013...KELCI "SAFF" SAFFERY will of course go to the brilliant character actress SARAH PAULSON...it may be small but still a very important pivotal role none the less...i'm predict'n an EMMY award right here

sidewinder and swindler of the the G.W. ZOO out from under Joe...JEFF LOWE will be covered by the bedroom brown eyes of one ZACHARY QUINTO (i want him to play it authentically...so make sure he gets baby blue contacts Ry)

after answer'n a craigslist ad...ERIK COWIE became the "head" keeper...and we all know that CHEYENNE JACKSON has plenty-o experience in both those departments!

and while yer at it Ryan...why not get the writers of Avenue Q on the horn

and have'em pen the Broadway smash hit of the season...just in time fer the Tony's cuz the actors will be look'n fer a meaty role to sink their teeth into after this virus thing passes...and i know this will be THE ONE they'll all be clammer'n to be apart of...with musical score by BOY GEORGE of course 

hey...the TABOO musical and especially the soundtrack was absofuck'nlutely brilliant...that anal wart Michael Riedel was bein' a complete cuntruffle towards BOY's talent that year...just cuz he wouldn't autograph Michael's personality

(that's all i'm say'n)

stop down to yer local drug store (at a socially acceptable distance of course) and pick up yer copy TODAY...it's totally worth it just fer the free poster alone...plus

it'll help balance out yer room decor...displayed proudly next to that autographed Ralph Machio poster you still refuse to get rid of since the 80's...that you never knew what just signed by yer aunt Orlene!

of course there's a few more crackheads i fergot about...but trust me

you will too (meeeouch) now GET OFF MY DRESS!