many years before become'n the unintentionally internationally unknown
perform'n illusionist of my own universe that you've come to ignore on occasion...i was half of thee most pivotal and highly influential sound of the late 80's on the west end of town in Winona, MN
with my dear friend Dr Bob...as singer in the band ASTRO PUSSYCATS...with our #1 hit "DEATH IS JUST A FAIRYTALE TO ME" and "DEADLY LILITH" slowly race'n up the HOT 1000 hits in our heads...our open'n nite ended with a somber cover of Patsy Cline's "CRAZY" and trust me...the audience was...we'd have to travel with doppelgaggers to throw off our scent and carry a cattle prod in our back pocket in case we were spotted...seriously...we couldn't go ANYWHERE without some stalker consume'n our space...
eventually we hadda get outta town and had planned on astro project'n our astro asses on tour to open up fer greek goddess NANA MOUSKOURI at the Vienna Opera House...
BUTT...of course
our tour manager had no long lost relative who had kicked the bucket that year...leave'n either of us with some untold ungodly wealth...so instead we decided to disband the band and live off the profits from open'n nite...of which there were none!
so get a ticket to the catch-up train and click here fer
once the year 1989 had rolled around...i would once again make a mini
pilgrimage back to the Twin Cities...this time to it's sister city St Paul to see that baddest british bum shaker GEORGE MICHAEL out on his own at the CIVIC CENTER durin' his "FAITH" tour...with nothin' but $30 i had saved from collect'n cans all over town...my undie'n love and an EPT test (hey...you never know what'll happen at these shows kittens...i was only 18 at the time after all)
after purchase'n a tour book and a small diet coke...i was left with $2 and had zero clue on how i was gonna get my A double snakes back to my cuz's apt in the Minne-Apple so as the nite fell deeper and deeper into darkness and all the frenzied fans had left the stadium...i sat at the entrance of some ramp behind the venue contemplate'n how in the mother fuck i was gonna get back and literally 25 minutes later as it got chilly as fuck out...a gigantor bus slowly emerged up the ramp and made it roughly 100 feet away from me before it stopped and the side door opened and out popped my high school orgasm GEORGE FUCK'N MICHAEL...who simply said in his very british accent..."oy mate...do you need a roid?"
I NEARLY DIED! and apparently completely lost my fuck'n marbles eat'n that brain tumor fer breakfast that morn'n...cuz my brain was say'n "yes GEORGE MICHAEL...i wanna have yer baby...i mean...can you run me to my cuz's 25 miles from here pretty pleez?" of course the messenger in my brain couldn't run fast enough down the steps to my voice box with this message cuz i was BEYOND star struck and outta luck after he patiently waited roughly 10 seconds fer my reply before leave'n me in his dust...i completely lost out on bein Mrs MICHAEL that nite
by the mid 90's...my friend Jacoba Ainsley (as she was goin by at the time)
said she had a small cameo in the latest MARIA MCKEE video "I'M GONNA SOOTH YOU" and she could get us back stage to meet MARIA after her First Avenue gig we both were attend'n...of course i figer'd she was make'n it up...
until the next thing i know we're both on her tour bus doin goldschlagger shots with her and the band until me...Jacoba...MARIA and her whole band decided to scamper to the Gay 90's to watch the drag show without anyone have'n the slightest clue that they were in the presence of a major record'n artist
with her 4 octave range proclaim'n "GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN"
ever since the 80's...i've had the pleasure of bein' in the presence of CYNDI LAUPER nothing short of 7 times in concert...but durin' her "HAT FULL OF STARS" tour at First Avenue in 1993 was the 1st time i actually was up close and personal with her (and roughly 10 other freaks) who had waited outside to get her signature and some personal time with her...my good friend Faedre lucked out and got her autograph along with 2 others...unfortunately she hadda bid adieu cuz they hadda long bus ride to Oprahville plus you could tell she was under the weather when she was sing'n on stage so i was not gonna press her fer one...
of course leave it to some over grown asswipe to bitch slap CYNDI by yell'n "FUCK YOU CYNDI...you wouldn't be her if it wasn't for yer fans!"
after salivate'n to the mezzo-soparano songstress TORI AMOS many a
time in concert...me and my friend Karen (NOT to be confused with the basturized versions referred to unfortunately these days as "karens") decided to meander behind the concert hall at one particular preshow and wait in line with the other rabid AMOS ants desperately plead'n fer a peak at TORI up close and get her john hancock...i personally never seen all the hoopla about TORI's signature...as much as i love her voice...but it would be nice to see what she's like out from behind the piano...and just as one would imagine..she was an absolutely stunn'n gem and gracious to us all
though the blubber'n stalker before us had a total breakdown in front of TORI proclaim'n the song "ME & A GUN" was ripped right outta her own personal experience...TORI silently nodded...gave her a hug and moved on (i mean pleez people...like her boss at whatever burger world drive-thru she was work'n at really had any more time to invest in her lifetime movie of the week breakdowns much less TORI)
indie rocker SUZANNE VEGA stole my soul when i 1st heard her sing
"my name is LUKA...i live on the 2nd floor" back in the late 80's...but by the time i had finally met her 15 years later...i wasn't really concerned what floor she lived on anymore...now i wouldn't say she gave me a lil 'tude when i met her after her show but when she asked me who to sign the cd to...i just said " oh you can just write thanx Mattress" with this perplexed look on her face...she replied "why don't you just go by Matt?" so i firmly but politely exclaimed "why don't you just go by Suzie?"
it would be sometime before i rubbed shoulders with another sing'n
sensation,...though this time it would be virtually along some non heterosexual informational highway site one nite chatt'n while i was visit'n the BIG APPLE with the break out star of "SHORTBUS" the amaze'n JAY BRANNAH who fancied me fer a few minutes until i realized who he was (i had just watched the movie and fell in love with him months earlier) and inquired if that was really him...apparently i pushed the wrong buttons and was immediately blocked...don't worry JAY i totally get it! there's no hard feel'ns (though you still make me absolutely...FYI) i absofuckinglutely j'adore yer voice
in fact...the only celebutude that i've had the unfortunate pleasure to deal
with...was when LENNY KRAVITZ stopped by the target center durin' his (insert yawn here) tour in the late 90's that i hadda check in at the front door...who unfortunately (like all celebs who stopped in while in town) got a free day membership to use the gym's facilities to their like'n as long as they signed a waiver of liability (as if they couldn't afford the $15 day fee...i mean PUHLEEZ!) in any case...when the Lenny popped in with his big tortoise shelled bug eye glasses...try'n be all PRINCE like with his kmart version of DIAMOND & PEARL (that's not a knock mind you...just an accurate observation) and i had asked him to sign the waiver...he refused to say A THING...instead opt'n to give THE LOOK at his tag-a-long cookies...to which one of them said to me "Mr Kravitz would like me to sign on his behalf!" sorry charlie...but it ain't "gonna go yer way" yer john hanncock means absolutely NOTHING to me...
besides...yer mom was a bigger star in my eyes anywho'zll'ding so sign it or yer not gett’n in!
there ya go kittens...my time rubb'n shoulders with those that have made it
just keep in mind the next time you run into one of yer fav-o-rits...we all sacrifice a meatloaf to the porcelain god just like everyone else...so calm yer tired tits down and GET OFF MY DRESS!
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