well over a year since the whole cluster fucked pandemic paralyzed the planet...everyone's gotten a lil stir crazy at the drop of a hat lately and ready to bust loose once again so thankfully we've slowly started to soften the restrictions on life as we once knew it thanx largely in part to the current positive political climate and of course all the medical staff roll'n out the covid shots while most of us are still follow'n CDC guidelines
and with the school year finally come'n to a close right around the corner
it's that time once again to start think'n about whether to corral the kiddies and shipp'n em off to some cautionary summer camp with their fav-o-rit counselor to take care of em...
to become one with nature once again...enjoy'n blissful canoe rides goin outta bounds down the serene boundary waters of the Catskill Mountains
or take that long ass journey across the state lines dragg'n that colostomitic in-law who insists on dictate'n the entire journey from the back seat to some over priced eye sore themed park
BUTT...this isn't fer everyone!
if neither of these seem like viable options to you due to yer budgetary
constraints or yer worried about the socially retarded anal wart that doesn't know how to socially distance themselves properly on vacation...i've take'n the burden off yer weary lil wallet and scoured the informational highway fer some far less known but highly educational options fer you this summer
up first on my list of vacant vacation destinations is from a teeny tiny town
of insignificance in the middle of nowhere...smack dab in the southwest corner of some corn whack'n county in Iowa...made popular by the Hulu original movie "THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA"
starr'n the late Conchata Ferrell of "ERIN BROCKOVICH" and "TWO AND A HALF MEN" fame
the "VILLISCA AXE MURDER HOUSE" became famous in 1912 after a family of 6 and their 2 dinner guests were hacked up like summer sausage by an axe wield'n homicidal maniac allegedly cuz of the goulash hotdish served that even'n was miss'n the top coat'n of string beans allegedly that IS STILL UNSOLVED to this very day and haunted by the families tormented souls!
so whether yer feel'n like a family full of sleuths...
or just a gaggle of gays and their beards want'n to dance the nite away in a haunted house....make yer reservations today before everyone starts to turn this mystery murder house into an overall overkill!
if the midwest murders aren't exactly yer cup of tea...may i suggest move'n
out east to another infamous farmhouse that dealt with the occult that inspired the 2013 cult classic "THE CONJURING" and the multiple "ANNABELLA" spin-off''s
loosely based on the Perron family from the 70's that occupied this paranormal palace in the sleepy town of Harrisville Rhode Island that you can now book if yer really want'n to experience wicked wonders from the other side
my number 3 home on the list of somewhat hidden gems hidden away
deep in the majestic town of Perryopolis, PA that was featured in the 1991 psychotic thriller starr'n academy award winners JODIE FOSTER and ANTHONY HOPKINS...
that belonged to the fictionally brilliant psychotic serial kill'n transsexual Buffalo Bill was finally purchased in 2016 and eventually turned into an air B&B that you can now book fer overnite stays if you dare to immerse yerself into part of movie history...
no word if you'll be greeted by the original occupant of the residence however make sure to visit the gift shop to purchase yerself a lil sexy skin wrap fer those chilly nites and slather up in the many scents of Buffalo Bill's intoxicate'n lotions to keep yer skin from dry'n out
if the macabre is not part of yer restful repertoire...perhaps a fireside chat
as a sleuthful sodom and gomorrah with the local salacious salamanders meander'n within a 3 block radius on Grindr fer all those single laydee's who wanna live a day in the life of everyone's fav-o-rit 80's incontinent detective JESSICA FLETCHER from "MURDER SHE WROTE"
may i suggest spend'n a nite in the rustic seaside town of Mendocino Village CA (though Jessica's actual fictitious place of residence was in Cape Cod, MA) you now can book a bed at though it'll set you back a pretty penny but it comes with a bottle of wine if you happen to choose to give up on yer sobriety...so YAY!
last and the least of all places to plunk down yer hard earned covid cash
that won't actually cost u a dime except fer the petrol...caffeine and corn nuts on the way there only cuz this abandoned "ghost town" which is more like a "ghetto town" of tacky McMansions
that only popped up after the crash of the 2008 house'n market in Branson, MO that seriously is only really worth take'n a bunch of cool selfies at...play'n beer pong with yer buddies or just make'n yer porn debut!
well there ya have it kittens...so fuck the house of mouse this summer and
ferget about the hogwarts hideaway...try somethin' a lil different this year and GET OFF MY DRESS!
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