these last 2 years have dragged on about as long as the delusional circus line of aluminum foiled tv dinner conspiracy crackheads in Dallas, TX last month (no shame to SWANSON dinners) who pathetically think that hot to trot DEMOCRATICALLY DELICIOUS JFK JR is runn'n as VP on that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FER LIFE TWICE anal warts ticket in 2024
cuz apparently they think that his swan dive off Martha's Vineyard in 1999 was all just some complete elaborate hoax!
BUTT that ain't the only thing that's scary as fuck!
tis'n the season fer no damn reason but to follow some archaic tired ass
tradition depend'n on what vomitous voodoo rituals yer regurgitated religion forces you to succumb to is just a bit redundant when you get to reach a certain age especially when yer not even on yer family or friends radar all year long however are expected to come together & enjoy a hot cup of i'vebeensooobusy/kissmyass and all is supposed to be forgive'n fer their complete & utter absence by years end and you don't even end up gett'n those sassy cha cha heels you so desperately deserved as some sorta penance on their part…so if yer plan this holidazed season is to get holiglazed fer no other reason than to cuddle up on yer davenport and spray glitter the dog shit you plan on send'n those fergetful fuckers via yer fast pitch thru their front window...may i suggest these hell-a-day flix to get you in the right spirit with that bottle of booze and biscuits by yer side
if yer look'n fer a psychological mind fuck to warm that cold hardened soul
hop in yer delorean and set it to the year 1980 fer this classic chiller thriller about a toy factory work who's been scarred since childhood after he found out (spoiler alert) SANTA IS NOT REAL! and suffers a mental breakdown thanx to the relentless taunt'n from his co-workers and goes on a yuletide slash'n...dash'n thru the snow in "CHRISTMAS EVIL"
if that don't put a damper in yer pampers...maybe you need some groovy
dasher slasher to help keep that fire burn'n in this holiday horrorfest starr'n the likes of 70's master of mayhem JOHN CARRADINE and WARHOL staple CANDY DARLING that centers around some dude who inherits his family's estate only to find out it was once an insane asylum in a small but unimportant New England town where a handful of mysterious murders occur in "SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT" trust me...the jacked up hair alone is well worth the watch
before MARGOT KIDDER tried seduce'n 70s hot to trot CHRISTOPHER
REEVES as the bumble'n news reporter LOUIS LANE in SUPERMAN...KIDDER plays BARB a sorority maxi pad along with her 3 other maxi padders who receive menance'n phones calls from a deranged stalker that eventually plucks them off one by one durin'n the new fallen snow in this horrify'n 70's cult classic simply titled "BLACK CHRISTMAS" and lemme just say...if this movie doesn't make yer skin crawl...it's on too fuck'n tight...oh yea and PS don't even bother waste'n a moment search'n and watch'n the shitty remakes like i unfortunately did!
you better watch out cuz you can bet yer gonna cry when you find out
you pissed yer pants watch'n this new tale of terror from those creative canucks in 2015 that involves 4 interwoven stories told by radio dj WILLIAM SHATNER that'll surely make you shatner in yer shorts in "A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY"
though not technically focus'n on the holiday genre per se...it does revolve
around a treacherous snow storm so that's close enough fer me "FROZEN" (ps this IS NOT yer disney production) stars the sizzle'n KEVIN ZEGGERS from "TRANSAMERICA" fame that follows 3 adventurous 20 somethin's who decide to scam a mini ski vaca on the fluffy slopes only to be fergotten by the staff at close'n time and who won't be back fer 5 days nonetheless they must try to survive from freeze'n to death on those blister'n cold dark nights stuck on their ski lift 500 feet in the air all while escape'n from a pack of hungry wolves that awaits them down below in this 2010 freak out fest
remember how KIRBY the elf desperately wanted to be a dentist instead
of work'n fer that diabetic daddy at the north pole? well in this horror romp those lil unapologetic slaves that have been over worked and under paid no longer give 2 shits about that bumble'n bowl of geriatric jelly in this 1989 killer "ELVES" starr'n ol' GRIZZLY ADDAMS himself DANIEL HAGGERTY as mister claus when a group of menstrual cramps perform an anti christmas ritual but accidentally drop blood on an ancient demonic elf and all hell breaks loose under the mistle toe
of course no xmas would be complete without a nite view'n of this 1984
hackfest cuddled up by an open fire "SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT" has spawned 5 merry murderous movies with a brand spank'n new remake due out in 2022...though nothin’ beats the original which revolves around a boy named Billy who suffers from post traumatic stress after witness'n his parents bein' murdered on xmas eve by that fat ass in the red suit and with his abusive upbring'n in a brain washed voodoo orphanage eventually Billy continues to repeat his past as the murderous merry ol' man
well hope these cheerless flix do their heartless trix and you don't end up
choke'n on yer candy cane...make someone else do it fer a change...now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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