GOOD GOIN' STRANGER

imagine if you will...the brilliant glow'n lights of the Emerald City...

tagged in a kaleidoscopic casserole of graffiti art...

throw in a bored suburban housewife...

with an irresponsibly vunerable...adventurous con artist...

toss in some stolen earrings and a killer jacket...

and you have the make'n of the breakout 1985 classic...

"DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN"

released on april 12th in 1985...also known as my lil brother's birthday

this screw ball masterpiece is still is as fresh as a summer breeze today...

set in the concrete jungles of the BIG APPLE...starr'n ROSANNA ARQUETTE as "ROBERTA" the unsatisfied new jersey homemaker...and like most 'burban bitches in heat...desperately longs to change her mundane marriage and begins a quest to find herself and her desires in the big city

and introduce'n a fairly unknown at the time...MADONNA as "SUSAN"...a street savvy con artist live'n off of everyone...on the crumble'n pavements of the east village...with a fantastic sense of style...ferocious survival techniques...and full of sexual flirtation

also starr'n Laurie Metcalf  of pre-ROSEANNE fame...as ROSANNA's nosey nancy sis-n-law Leslie Glass

and Aidan Shaw as DEZ...the hot-to-trot movie theater projectionist just barely scrape'n by on his good looks and generous soul

ROSANNA beat out a bevy of beauties considered fer the role like...

 DIANE KEATON,,,GOLDIE HAWN and BARBARA STREISAND

MADONNA barely snagged the role from seasoned actresses like...

MELANIE GRIFFIN...JENNIFER JASON LEIGH...KELLY McGILLIS and ELLEN BARKIN and even songstress SUZANNE VEGA

 AIDAN was practically given the part as DEZ...

since KEVIN COSTNER and DENNIS QUAID  thought it was beneath them to play 2nd fiddle to 2 strong lead'n ladies

considered a chick flick that was only liked by women and gay men only...

it took a while to find a studio that would pick up the script...but eventually ORION studios gave it the green light and was directed by SUSAN SEIDELMAN 

who made her directorial debut with the 1982 cult classic "SMITHEREENS" 

and went on to make her mark in tvland history as director of 

"SEX AND THE CITY"

durin' the production when MADONNA was bein filmed on the set...

initially she was mistaken by lookie-loo's as CYNDI LAUPER...

but once MADONNA dropped her "LIKE A VIRGIN" album...

they needed security on the set...

(it's a good thing i was prepare'n fer my low life in high heels at the time with my paper route money...or i'da been sleep'n it off in the clink myself)

shoot'n fer this production began in the fall of '84 and wrapped up...

by thanksgivin' and with almost no post production and disastrous audience previews...the studio wanted an early release date...cuz they assumed MADONNA's career would be over before the movie came out

original ideas fer the poster were gonna have MADONNA on a toaster and ROSANNA on a slice of toast popp'n out of it...or another thought was to have MADONNA stand'n against a brick wall with ROSANNA peep'n over it

these insane ideas of course were thought up by a bunch of uptight middle aged std donors who didn't get the film at all...nor had much enthusiasm fer the release of the film...but thankfully they used famed photographer HERB RITTS photos in the end...and though the flick cost a measly $5 mill...

with the release of the movie's unstoppable dance hit theme song 

"INTO THE GROOVE"

and the market'n genius of BLAISE NOTO who created pins...lace gloves and rubber bracelets to buy...the movie ended up rake'n in a cool $27 mill once it hit theaters...and catapulted MADONNA into MEGA-STARDOM

30 years later...the movie is a sorta time capsule of what lower Manhattan used to be like that no longer exists...how the QUEEN began to rule the world...and gave women the empowerment to make it on their own...

happy 30th b'day to "DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN"

so "GET INTO THE GROOVE" kittens...and puhleez...get off my dress!

HANDS SOLO

oh the 80's...what decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high fashion...very high hair and a very high life

but fer me though...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find'n the best...

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenage years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs...when my parachute pants would get "tight" many many times durin' the day...which...without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a new mean'n to the word "carpet burns"...that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger (or perhaps lung remover) of them all...JEFF STRYKER...with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "dancing with myself" "in the midnite hour"...enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "cool rider" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S"...Maxwell Caulfield is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in GREASE 2...play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer Michelle Phieffer's affection...and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury in the south to own all yer own teeth...

not a specific requirement...thankfully though these 2 "good ol' boys" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County...and though they weren't kiss'n cuz's...they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time,,,just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when Michael Schoeffling...played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in the cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...but the cherry on top of his career...(that i secretly wanted to be on top of) was have'n condoms named after him....it was grrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes when it came time to spank the monkey

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...you knew it was time to start turn'n japanese pleez!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic HE-MAN appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"...

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 season...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST"...with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T...was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane...now if you would...excuse me while i huff and puff and blow someone else's house down fer a change

so puhleez...GET OFF MY DRESS!

double trouble

there are many powers possessed by have'n a true to life doppelganger...

comes in handy when yer market'n fresher breath...while secretly promote'n chemically enhanced tooth decay...

 want'n to freak the fuck outta an ax weild'n homicidal maniacs family...

turn'n yerself into a bucket of water...or the form of a hysterectomy pad...

ALMOST become'n every non heterosexuals wet dream fantasy...

or actually become'n ALMOST every non heterosexuals fantasy

i've even wondered what it'd be like to have another carbon copy of my...

unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe self...it sure would help when i wanted to take a break from bein' mercilessly stalked by my fan...but then i realized...no one can steal my dimly lit spotlight...even if it is just another me...there's only room fer ONE OF US...and i'd end up just scratch'n her eyes out in the end anyways

unfortunately...sometimes see'n double...just leads to moronic trouble

case in point...these 2 CASPER crusade'n cankersours...the Benham brothers

so these allegedly non pole puff'n...worshipers of the bible that color'n book...tried desperately to whore themselves out fer yet another house flipp'n reality show on HGTV...puhleez...we need that as much as...

we need another season of  "the 700 club "

"this ol' bat shit crazy crypt keeper in da house"

but HGTV wasn't gonna pander to their paganistic propaganda

so here's a lil back story of these 2 allegedly non cock-suck'n crusaders...

brother David believes that "non heterosexual marriage" would cause every build'n constructed since 2012 to topple if we try to redefine "marriage"...which will cause moral destruction of our society...

but reality game shows corrall'n members of the opposite sex (ewww...that's so...you know...just ewww) i mean...desperate fame riddled whores who never got enough hugs grow'n up by their parents...in hopes they'll marry someone within 10 episodes fer a rate'ns bonanza...is perfectly acceptable and exactly how their creator delusional entity intended it to be

and of course Jason...(who might have a slight edge in the hot factor)

proved how religious persecution is at a all time high...when he likened the christians CASPER crusade'n cankersaurus's...to that of the kilt wear'n klansmen in the movie "Braveheart"...

only thing is...compare'n yer faith to an antisemitic drunk is probably not the wisest choice to make yer case...fyi

but it gets even better...when durin' that very same speech...

he says that the non heterosexuals and their "agenda" are like nazi bullets..."there are cultural bullets fly'n all over today...especially religious liberty and what's happen'n right now is many spiritual leaders...they are runn'n from bullets...but there's a remnant of people that are ready to stand and say... i'm not runn'n from those bullets any more!"

hmmm...so who's "agenda" is really kill'n who's boys?

especially when you have one of yer cracked out crusaders try'na pass a political hot potato as a sign of peace 

not to be outdone by his brother...David compares today's Casper crusader

to those that have been beheaded by ISIS
"the weapon of choice for the agenda in the middle east is a sword,,,but the weapon of choice for the agenda in america is silence...ISIS is filled with rage...they are empowered by a demonic blood thirsty spirit that needs to be confronted and dealt with...not tiptoed around the tulips...the plot to silence the beliefs of christians in this nation...thank god it's not thru a sword...it's just in the form of silence!"

thing is David...sometimes ya gotta stop and smell the tulips...before ya go open'n yer 2 lips...dont'cha think? don't answer that...just think about it!

of course no is to blame fer this immorally lustful meringue pie more than...

Lucifer himself...who's the obvious choice as the mastermind behind all those devilishly delicious acts of fornicational faggotry...cry'n "satan is a big phony...he's a counterfeit...he's always gonna attack sex because sex is the goal of life...it's life in your marriage...it's physical life with children...it's offspring...and the devil is make'n war against the offspring of the woman...which means that the devil hates life...jesus came to bring life...the devil says...i come to destroy it!"

hmmm..."physical life with children"...i don't mean to over analyze things here mister....but yer start'n to sound like yer 1 lollipop away from the pedophile parade...time to pull back the religious rhetoric kitten!

"words are like weapons...they betray"

besides...satan has always been portrayed as a sorta HOT commodity...

and what self-loath'n...narcissistic...over blown "str8 act'n and appear'n mo" with a "hidden agenda" does'nt like that?

listen kittens...sometimes i've been mistaken fer satan...

and other times i've looked like a saint...

but broadcast'n yer comic book beliefs on national telio-vision...you ain't!

now get off my dress!