TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH pt.2

picture it kittens...it's 1997 and everything just seemed to go from bad to 

deteriorate'n disastrously...from the people's princess's fairy tale life gett'n snuffed out in an instant zoom'n away from the paparazzi thru the pont de l'alma tunnel in Paris that she herself had foreshadowed after her divorce

bein unable to escape the gravitational pull of MISS DION's sappy song that just kept hemorrhage'n on and on fer 16 weeks at #1 til i wanted to wrap a glimmery shimmery Harry Winston cinder block around her neck and toss her into the atlantic myself

which was the catalyst to keep a movie about some ill prepared boat afloat at the box office fer 15 weeks and just like the movie my sanity was break'n apart at titanic proportions...click here fer pt. 1

though we exchanged words in his truck afterwards on the way home

we managed to move past the pettiness of it all until i was invited to his friends party weeks later and was introduced to his X maxi pad which i had zero intentions of stroke'n the fires of contempt again though i got the distinct impression he wanted me in a rematch with her of which i politely declined and left without incident once i realized i had become a bit tuned up and was used as his pawn

the next few months would become increase'nly frustrate'n fer me cuz

my biological clock was tick'n away since we had been sleep'n together on the same futon after i had moved in...he in his crisp bvd's and me in my holly hobby nite gown with the butt cut out...nonetheless we never once did the hokie pokie we just turned ourselves around as we drifted off to snoreville the entire time even though he gave me every indication in my head that that's where it was goin cuz i had told him up front before move'n in that i no longer desired to live with another roommate situation after my past disasters nonetheless with that said it would take rehearse'n the lyrics "you only see what your eyes want to see...how can life be what you want it to be...you're frozen when your hearts not open" to MADONNA's haunt'n hit "FROZEN" that i would perform at some seedy homo nite in the warehouse district to give me the wake-up call i so desperately needed

eventually i would move myself outta his bed into my own posturepedic  

and would become some lonely LUKA live'n on his 2nd floor all cuz his friends started give'n him grief about me always answer'n the phone that was next to my side of the futon or have'n me as his plus one when we met up with them and as i very much missed my bi-weekly paychecks...i was no longer fond of live'n with this reclusive bi-lateral space case i had give'n up my independence for and learned to deal with the present sticky situation i put myself into the best way i could fer the time bein' that is until one day i was served with papers by some unfuckable process server

oh H-E-double hockey stix NO!

my once midnite cowboy was now turn'n into some treasonous tacky tick

try'na shake me down fer roughly $1900 which was akin to the 9 months back rent in his eyes even after E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G i had done fer him all cuz apparently i wouldn't bow down to some fairly attractive maxi pad he brought up to introduce to me one nite which completely blind sided me before they would go off with their muskrat love date and eventually we would come to the crossroads with curse words with no one back'n down 

and i was more than ready to take a stand on the stand!

BUTT it ain't over...oh no!

i was now without any income completely and had no plans of sell'n off

the little of my possessions i had acquired thru-out my stay and after everything i've gone thru before i've learned how to get myself outta "tricky/sticky" situations to survive so this situation was no different though with inflation on the rise so was i

apparently a public perp walk to the guillotine stalls were no longer legal 

durin' this period in time so i decided before the shit would eventually hit the proverbial fan that i would throw my very 1st murder mystery party of which he was not invited to in order to get other more non death penalty options from my invitees

over a lovely bowl of potato soup prepared by my lovely aunt Ellen along with some adult refreshments and other nibbley's

about 2 months later it would be the 1st time we would see each other 

again face to face however this time in a court room instead of his bedroom and though i had no high priced Johnny Cochrane to get me off i wasn't about to let him get off with a pay day from my empty pig bank either so after 2 pow wows with a mediator per his request...the mediator of course tell'n me i was gonna loose this case each time if i didn't settle outta court as he would shave a measly $100 off the top each time we gathered to chat in the conference room cuz he said that i was not a battered nor a pregnant women...a minority nor an environmentally delayed adult...HA! lawyers and their hocus pocus dialogue  

i basically told this delusional diaphragm that i had absolutely zero

intentions of settle'n outta court and that i would have the last word of which i did after we went before the magistrate...the plaintiff got to speak first and lay out his case that i have to admit seemed quite compell'n if he hadn't left out one very specific detail...then the judge gave me the floor to speak to my defense and i basically said "well here's the thing Judy...may i call you Judy? i'm enjoy'n that doily wrapped around yer tender throat...i'm think'n about bein you fer halloween next year but here's the thing...we met at my place of work...he asked me out then to move in with him a couple months later and we slept in the same bed fer roughly 6 months without doin any matrimonial polka dance so we were pretty much in a common unlawful awful marriage (at the time) and with that i won my case without have'n to give him a damn dime though i was only give'n a week to move from the premises instead of the 2 weeks that i had requested

not a word was spoken as we enter the elevator together and trust me that was the most uncomfortable ride in the history of not ever ride'n him

luckily it would only take me a week to figer out my new live'n situation 

thanx a mill times over to my charismatically infectious godmotherly aunt who was my save'n grace that had just purchased a condo in the burbs and offered me free live'n quarters in her biz a few blocks away from my tension trap in exchange fer a few weekends a month of work to cover the kitchen and clean'n duties cuz she was irritated that her other "biz partners" rarely would lend a help'n hand so her and my uncle could get outta dodge of which i was more than happy to oblige and it worked out perfectly til the biz closed it's doors fer good 4 years later

move'n day had arrived and the defendant had already left to work

fer the day so i contacted my brother who helped me move what little i had with me to my new location and once i had completed my usual OCD checklist fer the 100th time...lock'n the front door behind me and place'n the keys in the mail box along with a lil cynical note of encouragement "have a nice life" scratched in pen on a used paper towel i noticed my grama's vintage property that i now owned was no where to be seen in my brother's car 

i knew he must've hidden it somewhere in the bowels of his fortress 

when i wasn't look'n which was sorta tricky now since i knew his portion of the house was booby trapped with trip alarms but no matter how i'll be damned if he was gonna keep this as his gift without purchase...luckily fer me i had remembered and hoped he hadn't changed the alarm code as time was tick'n out before he would soon be home from his work day

i really didn't need to add a trespass'n charge to any future documentary about this situation cuz it wouldn't make me look so sympathetical but more diabolical 

after a frantic sweep thru the entire house i was about to loose my ever 

love'n shit that is until i finally found it buried underneath the basement steps behind a bunch of his paint cans which was obviously premeditated on his part so i grabbed the sew'n machine and escaped without any paralyze'n incident

it would be roughly 15 years before i would run into my built bicyclops

again at my new gym and by now his high lights had become low lights much like his personality however his evil grin had still remained as we temporarily crossed eyes as i was doin my cross fit...i had ridden my bitter psyche of all that we once were years ago nonetheless i had no reason to research a friendship ever again and also learned to N-E-V-E-R E-V-E-R get romantically involved in ANY other teeter totter biways along the highways (though that don't mean i haven't tip toed thru their 2 lips fer a lil bit of lactation from time to time)

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH pt. 1

did you know that one of my all-time fav-o-rit fairy tales from my ancient

non sexual non heterosexual period in life was not about felines at all kittens...OH NO! it was actually about those 3 lil oinkers with glandular issues

2 of them have'n issues with their home owners insurance...

while one of them solidified the walls around them so tough that no one could get to him...unless of course he wanted them in!

just like that fairy tale taught me about the worthless and those not weak

i could easily compare each one of those lil piglets build'n skills against my own personalities thru-out my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career that it made me reminisce about this one particular bulky bilateral twisted teeter tottered train wreck who i became engulfed with in some distorted kamikaze livin' arrangement fer roughly 9 months one afternoon as i was rummage'n down the beverage aisle between the chitter chatter'n jitter bugs and diet cokeheads try'na find myself some energy drink to get my buzz on

let's go back in time to 1997 when i was work'n as the sportshop manager

and periodically the front desk check in chick to cover fer breaks at some popular downtown fitness center which technically anyone who worked the front desk in the 90's anywhere in the downtown area hadda deal with their fair share of cuntankerous "karen's" years before the current crop popped up durin' today's pleasant pandemic

well on this one particular even'n when i had happened to be check'n in 

and check'n out the meaty packages while try'n not to cringe at the camel toes i was desperately ignore'n who were arrive'n fer the last spin class of the day after most of the downtown workers had scattered like diabetic cockroaches in their moderately priced highly stylish honda accord back to their costco comfort zone of the burbs when this one particular steroidal package who looked the spitt'n image of PETER DINKLAGE (plus a foot and a half) with his miami viced hi-lites and his evil grin caught me off guard when he asked me a few weeks after check'n him in and me check'n him out if i wanted to go grab a slice of pizza and beer sometime to which i nonchalantly muttered with a smile "sure thing" think'n it was all just small talk as usual 

now i have never been a big fan of fortune cookie predictions or any kinda

astrological prophecy's...unless someone hypothetically threw a cement block directly at my throat i would be completely oblivious that someone had ANY sorta interest in me beyond scann'n their card at the register or front desk though on this particular even'n even my assistant boss at the time picked up on it and secretly said to me as Peter walked away "ummm...do you flirt much?" i was gobsmacked that that my co-worker not only picked up on it but told me to go fer it (everyone at my gym were gossip gurls back then and we ALL knew which side everyone's bread was buttered on that we worked with)

BUTT wait there's more...

flash foward to roughly 2 or 3 months of hang'n out with Peter after our

first slice at a downtown popular pizza joint late one nite then usually every other week at a different hidden low lit location thru-out the city when one day he asked me at the gym to maybe hang out at his palace and watch a movie which was roughly 5 miles from my quaint lil shithole i was live'n in at the time and i had agreed to his more intimate invitation

i was without motor transportation at the time and he had just gotten

home from a rough day at work however i didn't wanna bother him to come scoop up my plump A double snakes so i packed my over nite bag with all the essentials...vcr (he mentioned he hadn't had one) with some deep think'n brain dead vhs starr'n Bruce Willis and Richard Queer...my apricot facial scrub...some jean nate' after bath body splash...the greatest hits of ANNE MURRAY…why not! and some spermicidal jams though i may have been a bit presumptuous...by now i didn't wanna be caught off guard just in the off chance he wanted to "HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT"

as i trudged thru the 5 miles in the darkness of the nite from my comfort 

zone to crackville avenue where he was live'n i hoped i wouldn't be confronted by some big bad drug wolf or street skank look'n fer a cheap wank when i finally felt flutterbies in a frenzy flapp'n around my innards as i nervously approached what i had hoped was his front steps cuz my only communicado durin' this time period was via a telephone attached to the wall which i only hoped he’d give'n me the exact directions and not sent me on some wild loose goose chase

as i made my way to the front steps i noticed the door was ajar and as i

popped my head inside call'n out his name i heard his faint reply from the back part of the house to come on in so i opened the door all the way and there below my feet was a miniature trail of tea candles all lit and laid out like breadcrumbs fer me to follow to find my flirtatious fellow

as i followed deeper and deeper into the house i was reminded of the last

fizzled out fuck that i had gotten too wrapped up into by their inactions and was way more apprehensive to think anything more of this than just some twisted scavenger hunt...however as i reached the end of the trail which lead me to his bathroom door there he was marinate'n in a bath full of mr. bubbles cover'n his indiscretion with his hands so i did what any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do and plopped down on the porcelain god and asked how his day was

round about 2 months later he had asked me to quit my manager position 

where i was make'n bank fer the first time in my fitness career and join his paint'n biz...oh and also break my lease to move in with him which at this point i was absolutely shocked and frankly amazed how fast everything was goin then i firmly stated without any mixed messages that i did not want to live with another roommate scenario to which he reiterated how he wanted me inside…his home…nervously i decided to throw caution to the wind and turned myself into some gaggy giddy maxi-padder on prom nite as i fulfilled his every request even though we had NEVER consummated our "join'n of the assets" outside of give'n him nitely back massages after a hard work out at the gym

he pretty much took care of everything from expenses to groceries and all 

i was required to do was to cook his 3 meals daily...keep his house spic and span of which he got lucky since i had already possessed the JOAN CRAWFORD gene deep within me fibers and feed his cat all of which i thought was a completely fair trade off and had zero issue fulfill'n since i was now take'n a deep nose dive with my bi-weekly checks i had become so accustomed to

one nite we were invited to my bff  PEETRINELLA's house party and i was

more than happy to finally come to one of her fantabulous soiree's as a plus one fer a change where we mingled amongst the crowd sipp'n on sangria's nibble'n on her tasty buffet that was of course an almost perfect nite…however…thunder began to clash as i pulled off my sash of most popular party guest all cuz of some pompous pussy in boots that i'm pretty positive were prada knock-off's...a pale blue blouse unbuttoned down to his non existent chest and cheap cream colored chino's marinate'n in fahrenheit by Dior that drug out the the WENDY RICHTER within me as he decided to callously spray come hither compliments towards my new plus one

 which would eventually turn into some WWE match in PEETINELLA's kitchen as the rest of her unsavory party guests began encompass'n us in a circle as we each death stared the other down throw'n verbal snarky barbs back and forth until i quickly shut down the entire smack down by bein’ politely pissed off suggest'n to him "have you ever tried pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers?"

tune in next week fer the concussion of TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

I AM WOMAN...HEAR ME ROAR!

picture it kittens...it was the spring of 1999 when diabetic hopeful TESS

WEISHAUS represented the beautiful city of Bundy MN try'na balance the world's largest ball of twine atop her head while try'n to snatch the title of MISS MINNESOTA in the hysterically dark indy comedy where the beauty pageant turns deadly and becomes all to crystal clear (H-E-L-L-O) when someone goes to any length to win in "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS"

if you have not seen this flick then run and rent it/buy it/stream it...whatever you gotta do...it's a fuck'n hoot of what real award shows should be all about!

BUTT anyways....

it's that time a year when all of hollyweirds glitzkriegs and glamour toads

plump up their non existent pout and tout their tired tush and waxed bush down the red carpets from the INDIES to the OSCARS to give another vomit indulgent acceptance speech and squeeze out a single tear to thunderous applause then grab as many free fancy schmancy swag bags as possible in case their last movie bombed and the studio heads make a stop payment on their check

though personally fer me...it's really all about after so many uninvited invitations lost in the mail i’m sure that i will be able to F-I-N-A-L-L-Y attend the view'n party at my fav-o-rit rest stop fer some mouth water'n olive tapenade sunbathin' on some deliciously rustic italian sourdough bread and wash'n it down with a slightly chilled glass combo of champagne and chambord with a couple of plump raspberries pirouette'n gallantly at the bottom amongst an array of other deliciously orphaned frost bit nibbly's chipped outta the freezer from the previous holiday soirée thru-out the vote'n process...this of course is non negotiable so tick tock PEETRINELLA...T-I-C-K-T-O-C-K!

however somethin' more my cup of award tea is really just on the ROCKS!

more specifically THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME where we can make or break some bad ass with their pipes place in the musical archives of history!

and trust me...this years nominations HAVE NOT disappointed me EVER!

though it can only come down to 5 inductees so lets start with my 1st and fav-o-rit...born PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI who became a classically trained mezzo-soprano with her 4.5 octave range however was itch'n fer the wild side of the stage so PATTY quit her bank teller job who transformed into the bad ass bosom ballet rocker PAT BENATAR debut'n in 1979 with her album "IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT" that included the smash tinder swindler anthem "HEARTBREAKER" and the JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP cover "I NEED A LOVER" who went on to sell over 35 million records world wide...release'n 10 more albums...snatch'n 4 grammy's thru-out her amaze'n career and made it to the top of the charts with her take no shit from no one anthem "LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD" from her "LIVE FROM EARTH" album

though it's worth the honorary mention to mention another legend since 

this 70's songbird has decided to respectfully withdraw her name fer consideration this time around the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME has decided to keep her a permanent nominee which goes to prove the sheer impact MISS PARTON has had since the beginn'n of her career...born in a one room rustic shack along the banks of the Little Pigeon River in Tennessee in 1946 the 4th oldest of 12 sibs...DOLLY REBECCA was born to perform and by age 10 she did just that on "THE CAS WALKER SHOW" release'n her 1st sugar coated single "PUPPY LOVE" at 13...by 1967 the world would be introduced to the country legend known as DOLLY PARTON after bein' discovered sing'n her ditzy ditty "DUMB BLONDE" then was invited to co-host with country's blonde pompadoured PORTER WAGONER on his tv series "THE PORTER WAGONER SHOW" though she was seen as the sing'n pariah from the conservative audience cuz DOLLY ousted former co-host NORMA JEAN (no NOT the MARILYN one) fer 7 years until she decided to break out on her very own however not before release'n her farewell resignation song to PORTER "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" in 1973 (that had somewhat moderate success i heard from the rerecorded version in that Costner flick back in 1992) with 52 albums under her jacked up to jezus do's contain'n smash singles like "JOLENE" "COAT OF MANY COLORS" and "BETTER GET TO LIVIN'" to name a few from the 5000+ she's penned thru-out her illustrious career also share'n the stage with friends KENNY ROGERS on "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM" and BOY GEORGE "YOUR KISSES ARE CHARITY" among many many others over the years also fiddle'n the theme songs on her acrylic nails from "9 TO 5" to "STRAIGHT TALK" with her over-the-top attributes and act'n abilities DOLLY is country music's #1 most successful songstress in history 

next up comes a duo from across the pond who began in the lil unknown

band "THE TOURISTS" from 1977 until 1980 when the band split before have'n modest success cover'n DUSTY SPRINGFIELD's "I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU" in 1979

3 years later the duo consist'n of  ANNIE LENNOX and DAVE STEWART would form the euro synth pop sensation who branded themselves as the "EURYTHMICS" and with ANNIE's gender'n bend'n style and army approved orange julius buzz cut ANNIE's voice would rule thru-out the 1980's thanx to their 2nd album release of  "SWEET DREAMS (are made of this)" with the album title break'n visual barriers and boundaries fer a new way to experience their music thanx to the age of MTV become'n one of the biggest songs of 1983 among many other glorious tracks like my fav-o-rit leopard printed madness of "RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE" also duet'n with the queen of soul ARETHA FRANKLIN on "SISTERS ARE DOIN IT FOR THEMSELVES" then decided to take a 10 year break from record'n before they released their 1st single the beautifully somber hit  "17 AGAIN" off their last album "PEACE" EURYTHMICS would release 7 more albums accompanied by 33 staple singles before the new millennium began when they decided to hang up their towels to begin their respectable solo careers

follow'n in the footsteps of absofuckinlutely fantastical sweet songbirds 

from the 70's who began her career by team'n up with her sister LUCY in the group the "SIMON SISTERS" in 1967 release'n 3 albums with the moderate hit "WINKIN' AND BLINKIN'" until  LUCY decided to leave the group cuz of her girly parts act'n up i think (listen kittens...i don't really care to invest that much research into her since she's not nominated kapeesh!) and CARLY SIMON would take the 1970's by storm winn'n a grammy fer best new artist in 1971 with breezy confessional hits like "ANTICIPATION" and "HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN" and release'n the biggest mystery in pop music history about the song's narcissistic lover on the track "YOU'RE SO VAIN" that in 2003 CARLY would sell to a buyer fer $50,000 under the provision that they NEVER reveal who the narcissistic lover was although she would reveal in 2003 that the song was about 3 lovers...WARREN BEATTY bein only one with the 2 others unnamed to this very day...by the 1980's CARLY would release her 9th record with my all time fav scorned lover's diss with "JESSE" and continued to record release'n 24 albums in total 

and last but certainly not the least of them all...cousin to the late and great 

MISS "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" HOUSTON born in 1940 DIONNE WARWICK was a singer...actress...tv host and goodwill ambassador that began her career in a gospel group called the DRINKARD SINGERS until her solo career took off in 1962 when she was discovered sing'n back-up fer THE DRIFTERS and released her very first single "I SMILED YESTERDAY" with many accolades under her glittered belt include'n 6 grammy's and a lifetime achievement award to name a few by 2019 DIONNE is best known fer the sooth'n cool stylish hits like "I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER" (that she even dueted with the BOY years later on SOLID GOLD) and "WALK ON BY" and the classic 80's over dramatic cardio vascular ache'n anthem "HEARTBREAKER"

so there ya have it kittens my top 5 nominees with a well deserved place 

in musical history...VOTE BY CLICK'N HERE fer yer fav's from now once every day until april 5th

now GET OFF MY DRESS!