CRACKVILLE CHAOS pt 3

it's been a long ass week now that i'm a work'n gurl back in the type'n pool

so i can't be bothered on educate'n you with the low expectations you've come to deserve so if you need a lil refresher course on what the H-E-double hockey stix is goin on with this mess of a story...click here fer pt 1 and click here fer pt 2 and now (you guessed it kittens) pt 3...give yerself a pat of the back and nibble on a nilla wafer if no one helped you out on that one (cuz as sure as shit on shingle) i ain't hold'n yer hand thru it all over again...kapeesh!

a few months would go by until i would finally have my judgemental judy

day in court...which was all such a new concept fer me since i was now the derelict defendant (when i was used to play'n the pretty plaintiff in my E true hollyweird story like i did back in the late 80's) so of course i hadda ask fer outside council with me bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and all it would hurt my head too much try'n to figer it out on my own...i would have absolutely zero clue as to what should i expect? what should i say? what sorta cocktails were they gonna serve with the complimentary buffet that i assumed would be there since it was in the afternoon after all and most importantly what should i wear? 

my all time fav-o-rit french designer Jean Paul Gaultier...who i almost had

the opportunity to model for back in '91 when i went to some cattle call the week before Jeffery Dahmer was busted fer munch'n on mo's marinate'n in marmalade in Milwaukee...

well any who'zll'ding...JEAN PAUL had some really tasteful silhouettes...fancy fringes and beautiful braid work done that season but would i be give'n the red carpet treatment as a legitimate litigant if i upstaged the jury or Judy?

the nite before all the hoopla over my non murderous court case would 

begin...i had decided to stay over at some unmentionable's house whom i was involved with at the time (cuz i was too lazy to commit suicide...umm insert laugh here) to calm my nerves before my big day and so of course he took it upon himself late in the nite to use me as his personal tickle me elmo doll...of which i 100% loathe (trust me) i'm like a piranha outta water if you try and tickle me cuz yer probably gonna get a boot in yer ass just so i can breathe...well finally after minutes of plead'n with him to stop...i finagled my legs underneath his chest... 

and projectiled him clear across the room like one would when taste'n gefilte fish spread on a peppercorn triscuit fer the first time when you clearly asked fer the olive tapenade...however...unfortunately fer me (in the process) my unsuitable suitor scraped his sasquatch elbow across my almond shaped eyes and by the time i had composed myself and took a breath...my left one was throbb'n (unlike the other portions of my nether regions that should'a been that nite) so i went into the bathroom to rinse of anything that may have gotten into my eyes durin' the scuffle...threw on my winter muumuu and marched out the front door back to my bed on the corner of crackville avenue and hooker junction

as dawn would break i scraped my A double snakes outta bed...my face 

had felt like it had been run over by a steamroller in the nite and as i switched on the bathroom lite to jump in the shower...i took a quick peek in the mirror and noticed that apparently my left eye had tried to use its socket as an escape hatch in the middle of the nite as it was considerably larger than his twin on the right....i looked like a fuck'n cartoon character watch'n an anvil fall out of the sky 

so i pillaged thru my pile of muumuus in the closet look'n for my emergency headgear but someone apparently stole it from me and cutt'n 2 holes in my egyptian 1000 count threaded cream colored bed sheets was not gonna be an option anytime soon so luckily my roommate at the time had an eye patch i could slip on

only problem was i looked like PETE BURNS with alopecia issues from

 80's super pop euro dance group DEAD OR ALIVE and felt like i was spinn'n around like an anxious record in the courtroom await'n fer my judgemental judy moment which inadvertently worked to my advantage i guess cuz once my case was called...turns out that the hot cop had lied to the courts say'n he breathalyzed me at the scene and not the station (MN laws anyways) and i was let go on a $50 fine instead of the $1000 to $3000 fine i had heard i was look'n at gett'n

though i was warned under no circumstances could i drive my vehicle fer the next 6 months cuz just one simple infraction and i was gonna be thrown in the clink fer 90 days to think about my actions

on top of that mess...i swore the lady i had to report to fer AA classes that 

very afternoon was already 3 sheets to the wind herself when i came into her office...she had started the conversation all casual like with me to make me feel at ease then asked me how many drinks i had per day...which at the time was 5 bottles of diet elephant piss (Miller lite) at max (on any given weekend only) she slurred to me and said "eh...yer not a real alcoholic then!" and she signed off on my order that i didn't have to step one foot into that sad sapped sobriety sorority again

BUTT that ain't all...

a few days later i would see an eye surgeon to have an operation on my

damaged eye (since the eyedrops i was o.d'n on weren't of any help) turns out i caught an infection from my tickler terrorist when he scraped my eyelids...which my left eyelid had flipped over via his arm and some of the sweat trickled off his chewbacca like hair follicles which had sliced open the inner part of my eyelid (purely accidental i would agree) nonetheless...cause'n me great discomfort so the doctor sliced open the underbelly of  my damaged eyelid...washed it out with some citric acid i swore and sent me home with roughly 20 days of antibiotics and a $600 bill since i was uninsured at the time (yay fer me!)

the first morn'n when i awoke to take my antibiotic pill with some hotdog 

soup (which consisted of cook'n a package of hotdogs just to drink the juice) which i learned this most precisely precious delicacy from the late great petite flower...giver goddess...aphrodite of the accordion...fashion-plate saint...queen of candy pants...princess of panty shields...empress of elvis impersonators and the buffer of bunions Miss JUDY TENUTA

turns out though i was allergic to the fuck'n shit so instead of choke'n down

 another pill my roomie let me pay my rent with the remain'n pills that month which was fine with me and i tracked down the tickle terrorist and told him he owed me at least half of bill...which to be perfectly honest...in a perfect world he would'a just paid it all outta his own damn pocket since he caused this predicament in the first place...so of course he took my request fer half of the bill as some sorta shake down since he had just sold his house and never ponied up a penny to me so i never got a new set of antibiotics which unfortunately had me stuck with the fuck'n scar that i have to cover up everyday to this very day so i don't have to deal with morons ask'n me on the daily what's wrong with my eye 

though many years and many failed nutri systems later...the tickler tried to slither his way back into my life one nite at the bar to which i completely ignored

i would only make it a full month before i was tempted to turn the keys

to my car and meet my aunt Ellen in uptown fer some nibbleys and nonsensical cocktails...however...i was in no mood to deal with a 2 bus transfer at the time so i figered i'd take all the side streets and be in and out in under an hour at max...only prob was i would only make it one block thru the alley of my roomies residence before i was spotted by a set of christmas lights...

and leave it to some Roscoe P. Coltrane to scold me with the riot act without even hear'n my reasonings as to why i so desperately needed my vehicle at that very moment...instead he just told me how i was goin to be sleep'n on cement fer the next 90 days with my stupid choice

luckily fer me though fer some reason he gave me a get outta jail free card

if i could get someone to pick up my car at that very moment (cuz he either didn't wanna do the paper work or perhaps wanted to get with the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe on a later date...who knows) luckily my roomie was home and Roscoe made me do the walk of shame back up the alley to my place and with the hands of judgement warned me he didn't wanna see me on the streets fer the next 60 days or it wouldn't be so good fer me next time...to which i whole heartedly agreed...

life is a mystery...everyone must stand alone...Lourdes-Marie-Veronica-Ciccone-Leon and all that shit...who cares i was saved!

though most of the residents live'n on the corner of crackville avenue and

hooker junction i had no issues with per se...there was one residential rodent in particular who had some sorta elephantitus of the right leg (it was extremely larger than the left...call it what you want) that lived directly across the street from me (where my roommate would buy his drugs from on occasion...hey i don't judge...it's yer life do what ya want!) that i would see perched on the 2nd floor porch every day i would get off the bus from work and he would never say a word to me...just simple eye contact as i passed by until i got in my roomies house...it felt cringey and definitely creepy at first but eventually i figered he was just act'n as my own personal security guard and i left it alone

finally the day would come where it was my 59th day in non mobile hell

and my box of franzia friend Sallie Mae Day Hat offered to pay me a chunk of change to come pick her up at her home in Brooklyn Park roughly 20 minutes away and go down town to celebrate have'n the shackles of my self imposed torturous life removed from my portfolio...only problem was...i still had 6 more hours to go...however...don't ever tell me the odds...cuz odds are i will do the complete opposite which of course i did that nite

we made it downtown in once piece without incident and after an hour

or so of lift'n my spirits with some spicy spirits...i decided to leave Sallie on her own accord and once again took to the back roads and byways back home...unfortunately just when i thought i was in the clear with only 1 block away from my live'n quarters...i once again was see'n christmas lights in my read view mirror and it was only 20 minutes before midnite

as this Roscoe had me pull over to the side then ran my plates...he came  

back with that judgmental puss on his face and i knew right then and there that i would not be gett'n another get outta jail free card...so as i was ready to receive my complimentary pat down before bein' escorted back to jail fer the next 90 days...Roscoe received a call on his cb regard'n shots fired somewhere else apparently and told me "dude you don't know how lucky you are right now...leave yer car right here and pick it up in the morn'n and don't be stupid fer the next 20 minutes" and once again...

life is a mystery...everyone must stand alone...Lourdes-Marie-Veronica-Ciccone-Leon and all that shit...i was saved!

4 years would pass and i decided it was time fer me to move on from the 

corner of crackville avenue and hooker junction that i'd become so accustomed to and back to civilization in uptown to which i did...though remember my security guard across the street from me from 4 years earlier with elephantitus of the leg? well kittens...literally 2 days before i would depart as i was gett'n off the bus and passed him on my route as usual...he finally opened his mouth and let out a murmur like he'd been gargle'n on lighter fluid fer his entire life and simply said "F-A-G-G-O-T!"

i decided not to play into his imbecile hands and just kept on walk'n home

and by morn'n i told my roommate about the incident over a steam'n cup of Sanka about the perched guy on the 2nd floor balcony from the nite before to which he informed me that the guy had died last nite...hmmm...i stopped fer a minute to process it all in but all i could muster up to say was "well...he shouldn't have called me faggot then i guess!" and i left to work...2 days later i had moved out!

ps Sallie May Day Hat wants me to mention about the one time i was a bit

tuned up on one of our many spirited nites out and he was stay'n over at my roommates house fer the nite however decided to lock me outta my rental like a drunk mental (which was no big surprise when she's tuned up) minutes later i seen him puff'n his marlboro lights on the 2nd floor balcony so i called his cell to fer him to let me in...he asked where i was call'n him from...i said "oh geez Sallie...look to yer left...i'm in the fuck'n tree" i had climbed up the birch tree on the side of the house to the 2nd floor 

and trust me when i say...she was not named Luka nor was she live'n on my 2nd floor so he yelled "oh my god yer fuck'n crazy...go home Sallie May!" (that's our nicknames fer each other in case yer lost) and he went inside lock'n the porch behind her (even though i already was home) so i broke a branch off the tree and jimmied the lock open thru the cat door...the end!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH pt.2

picture it kittens...it's 1997 and everything just seemed to go from bad to 

deteriorate'n disastrously...from the people's princess's fairy tale life gett'n snuffed out in an instant zoom'n away from the paparazzi thru the pont de l'alma tunnel in Paris that she herself had foreshadowed after her divorce

bein unable to escape the gravitational pull of MISS DION's sappy song that just kept hemorrhage'n on and on fer 16 weeks at #1 til i wanted to wrap a glimmery shimmery Harry Winston cinder block around her neck and toss her into the atlantic myself

which was the catalyst to keep a movie about some ill prepared boat afloat at the box office fer 15 weeks and just like the movie my sanity was break'n apart at titanic proportions...click here fer pt. 1

though we exchanged words in his truck afterwards on the way home

we managed to move past the pettiness of it all until i was invited to his friends party weeks later and was introduced to his X maxi pad which i had zero intentions of stroke'n the fires of contempt again though i got the distinct impression he wanted me in a rematch with her of which i politely declined and left without incident once i realized i had become a bit tuned up and was used as his pawn

the next few months would become increase'nly frustrate'n fer me cuz

my biological clock was tick'n away since we had been sleep'n together on the same futon after i had moved in...he in his crisp bvd's and me in my holly hobby nite gown with the butt cut out...nonetheless we never once did the hokie pokie we just turned ourselves around as we drifted off to snoreville the entire time even though he gave me every indication in my head that that's where it was goin cuz i had told him up front before move'n in that i no longer desired to live with another roommate situation after my past disasters nonetheless with that said it would take rehearse'n the lyrics "you only see what your eyes want to see...how can life be what you want it to be...you're frozen when your hearts not open" to MADONNA's haunt'n hit "FROZEN" that i would perform at some seedy homo nite in the warehouse district to give me the wake-up call i so desperately needed

eventually i would move myself outta his bed into my own posturepedic  

and would become some lonely LUKA live'n on his 2nd floor all cuz his friends started give'n him grief about me always answer'n the phone that was next to my side of the futon or have'n me as his plus one when we met up with them and as i very much missed my bi-weekly paychecks...i was no longer fond of live'n with this reclusive bi-lateral space case i had give'n up my independence for and learned to deal with the present sticky situation i put myself into the best way i could fer the time bein' that is until one day i was served with papers by some unfuckable process server

oh H-E-double hockey stix NO!

my once midnite cowboy was now turn'n into some treasonous tacky tick

try'na shake me down fer roughly $1900 which was akin to the 9 months back rent in his eyes even after E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G i had done fer him all cuz apparently i wouldn't bow down to some fairly attractive maxi pad he brought up to introduce to me one nite which completely blind sided me before they would go off with their muskrat love date and eventually we would come to the crossroads with curse words with no one back'n down 

and i was more than ready to take a stand on the stand!

BUTT it ain't over...oh no!

i was now without any income completely and had no plans of sell'n off

the little of my possessions i had acquired thru-out my stay and after everything i've gone thru before i've learned how to get myself outta "tricky/sticky" situations to survive so this situation was no different though with inflation on the rise so was i

apparently a public perp walk to the guillotine stalls were no longer legal 

durin' this period in time so i decided before the shit would eventually hit the proverbial fan that i would throw my very 1st murder mystery party of which he was not invited to in order to get other more non death penalty options from my invitees

over a lovely bowl of potato soup prepared by my lovely aunt Ellen along with some adult refreshments and other nibbley's

about 2 months later it would be the 1st time we would see each other 

again face to face however this time in a court room instead of his bedroom and though i had no high priced Johnny Cochrane to get me off i wasn't about to let him get off with a pay day from my empty pig bank either so after 2 pow wows with a mediator per his request...the mediator of course tell'n me i was gonna loose this case each time if i didn't settle outta court as he would shave a measly $100 off the top each time we gathered to chat in the conference room cuz he said that i was not a battered nor a pregnant women...a minority nor an environmentally delayed adult...HA! lawyers and their hocus pocus dialogue  

i basically told this delusional diaphragm that i had absolutely zero

intentions of settle'n outta court and that i would have the last word of which i did after we went before the magistrate...the plaintiff got to speak first and lay out his case that i have to admit seemed quite compell'n if he hadn't left out one very specific detail...then the judge gave me the floor to speak to my defense and i basically said "well here's the thing Judy...may i call you Judy? i'm enjoy'n that doily wrapped around yer tender throat...i'm think'n about bein you fer halloween next year but here's the thing...we met at my place of work...he asked me out then to move in with him a couple months later and we slept in the same bed fer roughly 6 months without doin any matrimonial polka dance so we were pretty much in a common unlawful awful marriage (at the time) and with that i won my case without have'n to give him a damn dime though i was only give'n a week to move from the premises instead of the 2 weeks that i had requested

not a word was spoken as we enter the elevator together and trust me that was the most uncomfortable ride in the history of not ever ride'n him

luckily it would only take me a week to figer out my new live'n situation 

thanx a mill times over to my charismatically infectious godmotherly aunt who was my save'n grace that had just purchased a condo in the burbs and offered me free live'n quarters in her biz a few blocks away from my tension trap in exchange fer a few weekends a month of work to cover the kitchen and clean'n duties cuz she was irritated that her other "biz partners" rarely would lend a help'n hand so her and my uncle could get outta dodge of which i was more than happy to oblige and it worked out perfectly til the biz closed it's doors fer good 4 years later

move'n day had arrived and the defendant had already left to work

fer the day so i contacted my brother who helped me move what little i had with me to my new location and once i had completed my usual OCD checklist fer the 100th time...lock'n the front door behind me and place'n the keys in the mail box along with a lil cynical note of encouragement "have a nice life" scratched in pen on a used paper towel i noticed my grama's vintage property that i now owned was no where to be seen in my brother's car 

i knew he must've hidden it somewhere in the bowels of his fortress 

when i wasn't look'n which was sorta tricky now since i knew his portion of the house was booby trapped with trip alarms but no matter how i'll be damned if he was gonna keep this as his gift without purchase...luckily fer me i had remembered and hoped he hadn't changed the alarm code as time was tick'n out before he would soon be home from his work day

i really didn't need to add a trespass'n charge to any future documentary about this situation cuz it wouldn't make me look so sympathetical but more diabolical 

after a frantic sweep thru the entire house i was about to loose my ever 

love'n shit that is until i finally found it buried underneath the basement steps behind a bunch of his paint cans which was obviously premeditated on his part so i grabbed the sew'n machine and escaped without any paralyze'n incident

it would be roughly 15 years before i would run into my built bicyclops

again at my new gym and by now his high lights had become low lights much like his personality however his evil grin had still remained as we temporarily crossed eyes as i was doin my cross fit...i had ridden my bitter psyche of all that we once were years ago nonetheless i had no reason to research a friendship ever again and also learned to N-E-V-E-R E-V-E-R get romantically involved in ANY other teeter totter biways along the highways (though that don't mean i haven't tip toed thru their 2 lips fer a lil bit of lactation from time to time)

now GET OFF MY DRESS!