TSSS TSSS TSSS...AHH AHH AHH!

ever get that not so fresh feeling...like yer being watched? and i don't 

mean that in some twisted wicked cuntruffle from the west end with a dozen flying monkeys and a dollop of Dorothy Gale cream fill'n kinda 3way way...

nor do i mean that in a Jeff Stryker should have his own zip code fer his middle portion kinda way either kittens...well not today anyways!

so you know how very deeply i'm into gangsta rap BOY GEORGE right?

well...this has nothing to do with the follow'n events...i just thought i'd let ya know BOY and the boys from CULTURE CLUB are back out on the road fer a mini US tour this summer to entertain the masses with their asses that will surely sell out so click here to find out what city you can catch em at...cuz the BOY is like buttah these days!

BOY...if yer read'n this...and i know in some parallel universe you are...

i want you to know..."THE NEXT THING WILL BE AMAZING" at the "CHURCH OF THE POISON MIND" and that "TIME CLOCK OF THE HEART" won't give me time as i look fer my "KARMA CHAMELEON" look...now i'm gett'n flaklempt! talk amongst yerselves...i'll give you a topic...GEORGE is no longer a boy nor was Culture ever a club you could personally pay a membership fee to join...discuss!

so there i was a couple months back...a few years ago...chatter'n amongst the lost lonely souls along the informational highway look'n fer fornicational pleasures at the easiest and apparently...the most polluted and diluted...i mean the most "popular" informational highway rest stop...

out there...GRINDR...strictly as a sexually charged starved observationalist of course

well truth be told...i actually loathe non verbal communication completely...

about as much as i loathe sushi...Belushi...phoney's and flakes...and definitely anything deep fried on a stake...the socially retarded...the chemically dependents...and what is up with all these emotionally delayed defendants?

i think it was the one Miss Macgregor's nipples who said it best sing'n...

"torn between two lovers...feel'n like a fool...lov'n both of you...is break'n all the ruuuuules!"

bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...i seriously don't have time to be bothered with

play'n the proverbial text game of cat and mouse...i mean come on...i'm a pseudo sorta somewhat star in my own mind after all...i don't have to put up with that shit!

so unless i'm totally engaged in a deep conversation of yer boredom...i just throw my contact number out there like candy to the depraved non heterosexual kittens with a pulse...in hopes fer some human inter"action"

when ya think about it really though...text'n is sooo impersonal...it was

much more romantic when our ancestral indian mo's used to send smoke signals...granted you never knew back then if it was fer a hook-up...or they just needed a bucket of water cuz their tee-pee was on fire...but just like smoke signals...9.5 times outta 10 (and trust me...that .5 helps) they rarely ever call back anyways...cuz aggressive passiveness is sooo much more attractive...don'tcha think?

well on the occasion that the one half that actually do decide to do voice on voice connection...i do my best to try and weed out their intentions within the first 5 to 15 minutes...and make my call if it's gonna end up bein' a terrific nite on the town...or just a tea bag party after the sun goes down

and if the latter is the case...i do my stretches and make sure to lay out an assortment of spermicidal jams and jellies...i am a safety gurl after all

one even'n while i was pump'n my pecs...i received a text from an out of 

my area code  unknown number and to make a short story a lil longer than needed...if yer name ain't in my cellular device...you either lost my interest or didn't bring me any canned goods! such was the case i guess with said texted man but i'm all about give'n it up to charity (when a quota is needed) so i requested from him to send me a pic to remind me why i didn't wanna be bothered to log him in my phone in the first place cuz now perhaps maybe i do (one never knows right?)

minutes later...i received a text look'n like the guy work'n out next to me...

now...i can neither confirm nor deny that said picture above is the texter in question so play along with me on this one...at first i thought SCORE! i was so ready to hop on board his gravy train after all!

though as i looked closer to the picture it was my back stand'n next to him

hmmm? now this text was turn'n more into like the call is come'n from inside the house!

i immediately put down the dumbbells and pulled up my leg warmers...and skedaddled the H-E-double hockey stix outta there...as i was head'n out... 

my good friend Faedre called and i was tell'n her about this phone freak who took a pic of me work'n out and not that THAT was so unusual...it was more the manner that the pic was take'n as it was take'n thru the window of the gym

my 1st OFFICIAL stalker! now i know what it feels like to be MADONNA

well...minus the gazillion dollars in my piggy bank...a hot bilingual conalingul to read bed time stories to and a posse of A double snake kissers every where i go to do my bidd'n but at least we now have a common thread to talk about over beluga caviar...carrot strips and some kabbalah on the side...if the situation should ever happen that we meet...again

BUTT...that ain't all!

by the time i had made it home i started gett'n dinner ready and noticed another text from him...by now i decided that this cat and mouse game had gone on way too long enough so i deleted it without even read'n it however a minute later another text had made it's way thru unfortunately HOWEVER this time with a pictorial that looked awfully familiar to me...

CUZ IT WAS THE BACK OF ME LEAVE'N THE FUCK'N GYM!

seriously kittens...this was now gett'n a lil to "i will not be ignored!"

and i was in no mood to sit down to a bowl of bunny soup that even'n!

about 3 hours later as i was O.D.'n on S.A.T.C. since i wasn't have'n any...

a call came thru with no name...but i was so strung out like some junkie whore on the show...that i picked it up without think'n...they said they were Jay and that we met a while back...hmmm i did meet a Jay in chicago over market days that was from the Minne-Apple that wanted to "hang out" so i said sure come on over however only if you wanna swap stories and not split you like a caramel sunday only cuz i was gett'n ready to count sheep

30 mins later a text popped up say'n he was here so i threw on my smurf jammies (why not!) and headed fer the back door (lil side note...contrary to popular belief...that is my door of choice...i gotta tattoo above mine that says exit only...unless you gimme a ring) but any who'zll'ding...as i finally

reached the top of the steps i could see some odd guy peer'n thru my back door window though this was not the Jay that i had previously met in Chicago...have'n said that he hadda sorta Colin Farrell cum fuck me look to him (well...if i had early onset dementia and glaucoma of the eyes)

 in a Charles Nelson Reilly sorta way...

i had zero clue who he was and was in no mood to play 20 questions so i 

opened the back door and asked him who he was and unbeknownst to me unfortunately it turns out...HE WAS MY STALKER!

as he paced back and forth in the park'n lot try'n to get me to let him inside...i wondered....hmmm....how did he ever find me?...then i thought wait!...i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist 

i let him say his peace cuz he was not gett'n any piece of me...besides i wasn't wear'n my explosive deflector jammies that particular even'n

he pretty much rambled on...hop scotch'n from random story to random story...how 95% of non heterosexuals lie on line about themselves (can't argue with him there unfortunately)...how i was good look'n (again...good point!) but looked like i'm pretentious (hey hold up a minute there...i'm not conceited...just convinced!)...then he went off the deep end about if he ever had kids and the stove was on how he would let them touch it and they would learn their lesson and how no one ever wants to hang out...

with him...and how he has an IQ of 110...A-N-D...time to go P-S-Y-C-H-O! 

i told him it's been lovely meet'n him and thanked him fer play'n then he

went home with some beautiful part'n gifts...a phone number to a "friend" of mine who works with the "lollipop guild" society and some unused turtle wax i had left over from my price is right winn'ns back in '87...and made my way back inside my shit box...

i racked my brain over and over how he found me as i applied my St Ives mint julip mud mask...turns out a friend i had called said that any picture's that i may have take'n in my own lil shit box i call home and sent out to the universe...can easily be tracked by GPS from my phone

DOH! i knew upgrade'n my dino flip phone to a smart phone was gonna be the death of me...my dumb ass would never figer out all the tricks and triggers and chaos's it could cause...it's a trilogy of terror i could live without!

3 days later...i received a call from yet another unknown number...and like an idiot think'n it could be a call from Ed McMahon tell'n me i had won the publishers clear'n house bullshit...(before i realized he's dead) i picked up!

he wanted to know what my name was...i said "WHY?"...he said...
 "cuz i wanna know who i'm look'n at!"

well it has been 4 years since my stalker left me...but i know he's out there...watch'n...wait'n...want'n more...of me...well why the hell not?

but i'm in no mood have'n to get my number changed once again fer fuck's sakes...i can barely remember my ABC's let alone my STD's...so until we meet again and i'm sure we will...celebrate yer alive!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BAD TO THE BONE!

have'n grown up as the 2nd oldest gen X'er in a large all american irish catholic family as thee ahead of my time pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe durin' the 1970's...

 it was not all that uncommon fer families like ours and many others in small communities scattered like a lawn sprinkler across the country to gather together for sunday morn'n mass...secretly cheer'n in yer head as the local tulip sniff'n town drunk in the bejeweled dracula cape had finally finished sing'n "hallelujah" to his lobotomized congregation off key once again just so you could get a snack at half time... 

as you waited impatiently stand'n in a single file line with the rest of the zombie apocalyps to play the communal game of russian roulette with the metallic slurpee cup full of stale berry flavored kool-aid represent'n a middle eastern dead man's hemoglobin (allegedly) in hopes that the blue rinsed hemorrhoidal prune with the uncontrollable gingivitis issues who lived down the street from you had take'n her prescribed meds as prescribed that day

recite'n that tired hymn with him "how great thou art (as i cupeth thy fart)"

 hey kitten...ZIP IT! every kid with a canker sore back then wanted to be the next greatest Emily Dickinson or Suzanne Somers 

perform'n yer useless jedi mind tricks towards the head of the household

just so you could personally hand over a donation of 10% from their weekly earn'ns in the form of an understated pale blue check in order to take credit in hopes of earn'n a few more extra credit points as a future CASPER crusader and solidify'n a golden ticket inside the pearly gates when they passed the collection plate made outta a mini wicker basket gorilla glued to a toilet plunger rod they had purchased from Pamida's after christmas everything-must-go sale...

so proud to be a part of the pathetically phony though ritualistically cathartic catholic charity charade parade that would eventually help pay for the many sexually abused alter boys therapy and their shopp'n spree's at Hermes and Gucci later on in life

as bread winners spent endless dollars fer you to spend endless hours 

with a happy meal box riddled with pointless air holes (but a genius market'n scheme you have to admit) in hopes it would teach you how to care fer a lifeless solid mass of minerals pray'n they wouldn't pro create

though we all had gallantly geeked out fer the galaxy far far away...

secretly however...a large portion of the gen X population cheered gleefully fer Leatherface...

and who couldn't help but not fall in love with Michael Myers...the babysitter was our only kryptonite from ruin'n the nite while rule'n the nest from yer siblings beneath you

BUTT...that ain't all!

once the 1980's had rolled around...we were completely bored with our 

breathless pet and just wanted to see how fast and how far we could skip that worthless chunk of a shitty xmas prez across the lake to it's graveyard as we skipped school while chugg'n down on the 5th can of our fav-o-rit chemically enhanced communal wine 

by summer you were told in a stern voice to "get the fuck outta the house" 

when the Culligan man showed up mid morn'n on any random unannounced day of the week and under no circumstances explicitly told not to return til dinner was ready...after they gave one of you a 5 spot to run to the across the street to the Nasty Habit and buy them a box of Virginia Slims ultra lights 

even though secretly you knew better than to give a shit what they were up to by not return'n home until well after the overhead lamps were dance'n in the streets

oh and lest we ferget...if we ever got teased or the live'n shit kicked outta 

us or even shot in the leg by a bb gun from some EPT test bunny that lived down the street from yer bff grama's house at the time...we were told under no uncertain terms to “suck it up” or “kick the fucker where it counts” and my most memorable “don’t think i’m pay’n for this shit!”

and though we were still gallantly geek'n out over the galaxy far far away...

we desperately yearned fer Jason Voorhees as he callously though meticulously hacked his way thru titty city at the Crystal Lake camp grounds...

and screamed in sheer ecstacy as Freddy Krueger finger fucked his way thru our teenage dreams!

Even though we had to suffer through countless bags of bullshit that only trickled down to the majority of the minority from that senile geriatric jelly 

beaned junkie repuglicunt in the big house who completely ignored the world's biggest health crisis at the time which caused 89,343 deaths under his watch alone

yet we all collectively still managed to make it thru those tumultuous and terrify'n pimple parade years to get that all unimportant waste of parchment paper without turning into a slice of swiss cheese!

with the unfortunate but not all that surprise'n incident from the lone star

state in the city of Uvalde that happened last week...create'n 22 more caspers from Robb Elementary school to roam freely about the earth...

as terrified tikes tried desperately to contact their inept Roscoe P. Coltrane cavalry who waited roughly an hour outside the chaos before control'n the stand-off as they swiped left or right on their cell phone or checked to see approximately how close they were to their next STD (presumably) bring'n the grand total number of mass murders up to 214 in 2022 alone and it's not even the 4th of july yet!

of course leave it to just 50 rectally reprehensibly and religiously right

winged regurgitated repuglicunts in the senate to stand in some sadistic 3rd reich formation to care more about their power than they do about their people by completely stay'n silent on H.R.8 even though the democrats in the house had passed the the bill in 2021 after the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary that created 28 caspers just 10 years earlier

they wanna pass bills that will arm teachers to be imperial stormtroopers 

yet they don't trust them to teach kids unredacted history facts...ignore all lgbt issues and ban books that don't have the playboy bunny on the cover

they wanna overturn bills turn'n vaginal curly slides into their live'n vessel

yet they don't wanna help raise the results or lift them from hardships and squalor that those results reluctantly most likely will become accustomed to...where a majority of them will just end up make'n bongs during bible study as the others graduate with honors from pole dance classes by the 6th grade...so one has to wonder...why would they NOT want to pass a simple slice of legislation that is for the good of their constituents keep'n the casper count down since roughly 80% of the country has been on board now for years... 

while the other 20% earned an online degree crush'n their fav-o-rit malt beverage can against their forehead

one has to wonder WHY? WHY is this still happen'n? WHY once again?

i don't know...do you care to take a shot in the dark and guess?

now GET OFF MY DRESS!