just a lazy saturday afternoon...with nothin' better to do but get everything done i couldn't get done durin' the week...like groceries...slap the ol' pickle tickler around fer couple minutes...target run fer ass wipe...
and don't ferget to poop!
instead i opted to hitch hike along the informational highway and complain to the electronical world we've created fer ourselves known as FB
(side note...to the delusionally perverted out there...remember when FB used to mean "fuck buddies"?)
but where was i?...oh yea...
so i sign into FB and made thee 1st earth shatter'n post about how miserable life is cuz it's so fuck'n cold out here and i can't find nothin' to do accept check my post every 10 minutes to see how many people "liked" my post and how many had made a sympathetical comment to my plight...so i
could feel alot better about my miserable self...3 hrs or so would pass before i would finally scrape my ass outta bed and crawl into the kitchen to eat some science project that was grow'n in my frigid box...cuz well...i was too lazy to remember i told myself to get groceries the nite before...1st thing in the morn'n...
so to calm my uncontrollable urge to make another utterly and total...
pathetically sympathetical post...i decided i needed somethin' to wash down the science project i mistakenly swallowed and since i'm pretty sure orange juice should actually be the color of orange...i decided to grab my ice pick...throw on my parka and go on an expedition into my freezer to see if there was any thing that i could rescue...and too my surprise i found buried under a foot of freezer burn...a 1/5th bottle of pomegranate Smirnoff my friend Greta left behind when we had a camp out in my live'n room last summer
so i made myself a shitty pomegranate and stale unfizzy seltzer water cocktail...poured in some MN misery...a splash of resentfulness that i didn't win the POWERBALL...a pinch of the terribly untolerable 2's and Dr. Kevorkian's number...and i had made the perfect pick-me-up to go along with my shitty outlook on the day
after i choked down my swill...i decided to make some calls...
but the suicide hotline decided to put me on hold!
GREAT!
luckily fer me though... there's only a sheet of solid ice between me and the store and the weather was a balmy 5 degree's above frostbite...and the buses were runn'n their usual 20 minutes behind their actual posted times...otherwise i would've been a complete bitch about the current state...
i was in!...i had 2 choices...either have a complete meltdown...which actually might have helped clear the fuck'n sidewalks of the lazy fuckers that lived next door so i didn't have to climb over the hills of HOTH...then i remembered...i didn't have the power to breath fire...and since my tauntaun wasn't insured...i could just keep on course...so i did...of course...and hopped aboard the metro transit 45 minutes later
oh joy!
once i reached my destination...everything in the past 4 hours that felt like heavy chains on my chest...were now no longer aggravate'n me as i stripped off my layers of regret and threw away my bitch blouse to feel comfortable...that is until i was hunted down by some store greeter...
"SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"
s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y...after what i just gone thru to get here...I...
thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...is bein' asked fer I.D. to shop fer some groceries?
na-uuh...she DID NOT just say that to ME!
and once again i hear her say... "SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"
ummm...no...i think what you need Bessie is a good dietitian and that trough yer use'n as a kitchen table take'n away immediately...(i was think'n it only kittens...i have plenty of pleasantly plumpers i consider my closest friends)...but i didn't wanna argue...so i handed her my I.D. without any back hand comments...though i had plenty lined up!
as i walked around fill'n up my cart with anything that would calm...
the restless natives beat'n the hunger drums in the pit of my stomach...i wondered...waid'a'minute!...why did i give her my I.D.?...so i marched up to customer service to speak with the mgr on duty
out walks this hefty hideaway gal...who wasn't really hide'n anything...
so i explained to her why was it i needed to give my I.D. to the bloated stegosaurus with the bad bi-leveled oglivie home perm greet'n people at the front door...and she calmly said in her best Bea Arthur voice that she shouldn't have
i'm think'n ok...this deep fried trough tail gator spotted me as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and just wanted proof to post on her FB page...i get it!
(it's so hard to be me sometimes!)
(it's so hard to be me sometimes!)
ummm...i don't think so...the gloves of reason'n were off
the manager got on the loud speaker and said politely...
"Martha please come to the customer service desk"
after Mrs. Dumptruck explained in that typical phoney corporate response as to why she took my I.D. to her manager...she had pulled it out from her tent pockets and handed it over to Bea
Bea looked at it once...looked at me...then held the I.D. closer to her face and looked closer at my face...then all of a sudden they both started smirk'n til they both broke out in complete laughter point'n their claws at me...HUH?
ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?
well i usually hold back my mouth dam...but i'll be damned at this point...
i was gonna let em have it with both barrels...so i grabbed the loud speaker and said..."shoppers...today's blue light special is in customer service...but they ain't so blue...and they most DEFINITELY ain't so light...
but they sure are purdy special...so you'll have to read to 'em r-e-a-l slow...
come gaze at these 2 backward barn yard Miss Piggy mutha fuckers...but please refrain from feed'n them as they hadn't had their feed'n yet today...and you might just become their main course"
i grabbed my I.D. and ran out the door into the freeze'n cold once again...
without any mouth water'n morsels to fill my fuck'n gut...though i wanted to gut anyone that crossed me now cuz my mouth was as dry as the Tatooine desert and my breath was seethe'n like a rage'n bi-polar monkey slut in sunday school
then i woke up
WTF...it was all just a dream?....eh!...time to make some breakfast...
as i opened the fridge...i noticed nothin' but some strawberries wrapped in last season's faux fur
OK!...this ain't happen'n...so you betta get off my dress!
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