get off my dress: relation-ships that pass in the nite

who in the H-E double hockey stix says we need one to feel any worth these days? i wanna know who out there is make'n all us single ladies...
and not-so-gentle laydee's...feel shitty about ourselves all over again?

the agenda isn't beauty or ugliness…that’s…all your idea!

~~a mutual friend~~ a reason not only that abortion should be legal...

but mandatory in some cases...was whine'n recently about how they were have'n a hard time bein' able to find their (insert vomit bucket here)
"soul mate"

history has proven that they never really work out...for example…

David…a simple israelite in a tunic and berkinstock sandals…aaaaand...

Goliath was about as str8 act’n and appear’n as a gigantic water buffalo

in manolo blahniks with a chip on her shoulders

the size of Donald Trump's ego

unable to confess his true love to David...cuz society deemed it to be...

"unnatural" and "immoral"...so Goliath made fun of David’s peeps...until one day David went all Lorena Bobbitt on his A double snakes...

and chopped of Goliath's head...or so we’re lead to believe

get this...if you tell someone your “widowed”...

they tell you to either pop a prozac like a normal person or simply…

kill yourself!

but if you tell someone you’re a "divorcee"…

well…that’s just tell’n em there’s a party in yer pants and there ain't no cover charge!

i myself have even dabbled in a relationship from time to time…

fer the right dime...my longest last'n 4.5 years…(the .5 means so much more don't it?) i remember it as if it were yesterday…

he used to affectionately refer to me as his "wonderboy"…

always wonder'n what deliciousness i'd have cooked up for us next

and i would in turn...affectionately refer to him as my...

heart-break'n-two-time'n-cock-suck'n-ass-fuck'n-pig-slut'n-trailer-trash-piece-of-geriatric shit who could run a boat show thru his A-hole...unfortunately...he's dance'n with the devil in the pale moon light these days...so suffice it to say...learn from yer mistakes and hold no grudge

if you truly feel that revenge really is alot better than christmas...

may i suggest a lot less invasive...but alot more persuasive approach...by simply give'n yer hairy bear...a deep full body massage based on swedish techniques (which means absolutely nothing i know)...from head to toe...with botanically infused creams to disguise the harsh chemicals...let them marinate in it beyond the recommended time frame...before dump'n their pathetic ass once you find out they strayed with some slut...it'll make them think twice once they get outta the shower...trust me

or perhaps fill'n out a year's subscription to multiple women's magazines to mess with their masculinity...but make sure to X out the "bill me later" option...so you have enough time to change area codes

go ahead...be creative and committed when end'n yer commitment though...but and try not to pull a Farrah...if you can help it...it doesn't really look good on yer relationship resume

i've done my fair share of the "scary"…the "mary"…and the delusionally

"str8 act'n and appear'n" charitable acts of the week more than i care to count on fer any sorta non committal attachment

i've marched along side the pity parade of pansies…

most of them being either emotionally unavailable…

blatantly socially retarded...

or chemically dependent!

human nature can be so cruel!

i've never really understood this breed of "boys"...whether it be in the bedroom or on a bored walk...trust me kitten...ya ain't fool'n no one…

you might "act" all Colin Farrell on the streets...but yer the 1st ones who've got their legs stapled to the ceil'n when we hit the sheets...before i can even get the front door shut...

so get off yer huffy bike and deal with it mister sister…cuz you know who you are

i’ve cancelled my subscription to those "issue" years ago…

let's leave the "act'n" to the professionals...shall we?

even though i think about of all those who haven't come fer me yet...i still reminisce about all of those who've came before me…after all we've been thru a lot together and cuz i'm much bigger than hold'n onto any grudge

trust me…much BIGGER!

and though i'd like to get banged like a screen door in a tornado…

these days…i’m looking more for someone intelligent enough to chant my name...

while jump’n off a cliff

i'm not suggest'n in the slightest that relationships are bad...but don't start whine'n at the top of yer lungs when things don't go yer way...i'm merely point'n out the fact that you don't need one...to make yerself worthless...